Sith Academy: Darth Maul Plays Well With Others
by Treska Cole
Treska_Cole@brown.edu

A clawed hand on his shoulder interrupted Maul's concentration just as Darth Lara Croft was about to swing down from the generator platform to the door. His thumb twitched and she fell screaming into the pit. Snarling with rage, he whirled around to come nose-to-nose with the wrinkled face of his master.

"Don't you know how to knock, Master?"

Sidious waved his hand airily. "Knocking is for sissy Jedi. The Sith have no need of social convention. Turn off that game, and get some pants on. I have an important mission for you."

At last we shall reveal ourselves to the Jedi, Maul thought. At last we shall have revenge.

"Is it an assassination, Master? Or perhaps you wish me to infiltrate the Naboo Royal Guard and sow the seeds of dissension and rebellion? Go to Dagobah and plant some ragweed and poison ivy? I am ready Master. We will rise and defeat the Jedi. I will not fail you."

"Calm down, my apprentice, it's nothing like that," said Sidious impatiently, holding his robes up as he picked his way over the filth-strewn floor to the kitchen. He poured a saucer of milk and placed it on the floor before continuing.

"I have an important meeting with some senatorial contacts. It is vital to my plans for galactic domination that everything goes smoothly. This is where you come in."

"Do you need me to kill someone for you, my master? Or destroy some property? Bodyguard status would be a bit demeaning, but I suppose I could endure it."

Sidious sighed and rolled his eyes. Maul watched in fascination as the pupils seemed to get lost in his master's wizened sockets. Perhaps this is a Sith trick I can learn, he thought. The gross factor is undeniable and could surely help me along on my path to dark power.

"No, my apprentice, nothing like that," the old man said "Their babysitter canceled at the last minute. I need you to watch their children."

Maul gaped in astonishment and horror. He understood that the road to becoming a Sith was a harsh one but surely this was beyond reasonable. He really is a sadistic bastard, Maul seethed. One day I will rise up and strike him down. After this little stunt I think I'll make it a slow, painful death.

"Your time will come, my apprentice," cackled Sidious, "but in the meantime you need to watch these children. Their names are Ani and Amalia and they are ages 6 and 4. Your job is to keep them safe and happy. Oh, and try and turn them to the Dark Side if you can. It's always more gratifying to corrupt the young and innocent."

Maul continued to gape.

"You'll need to clean up this place,"Sidious continued, "I don't want them getting gangrene or tetanus. Their parents would never forgive me and that would make negotiations trickier. And take down that thing, it's filthy and inappropriate."

Maul gazed longingly at his poster of Darth Lara Croft posing with little more than a blaster and gun belt, defying gravity as only she could. "But, M-Master..." he stammered.

"No whining, do it now, they'll be here in an hour. And put some pants on. Wear those nice black jeans I just bought you. The tight pair with the button fly." Sidious leered appreciatively and then breezed out the door in a swirl of black robes.

***

An hour later, Maul collapsed on his couch and surveyed his newly-cleaned living room. That pestilent pit of evil Sidious better appreciate this, he thought as he glowered at his cat, who had spent the entire ordeal basking in a pool of sunlight by the window. Without warning, his door burst open and two short, noisy entities tumbled inside.

"What's on your face? Did you forget to wash it?" said the girl child, whom Maul realized was probably Amalia.

The boy child, who must then be Ani, wandered over to the windowsill where My Apprentice was calmly sleeping. "You have a cat?" he said, reaching towards it, "That's so wizard! My mom won't let me get one because she says they stink up the house. But Mr. Sidious says your house is already stinky, so I guess it doesn't matter." As he seized My Apprentice, she erupted into a cloud of hissing and clawing. The boy cried out in pain and dropped her.

Very good, My Apprentice, Maul thought. Reach out with your rage and destroy these pesky little creatures. Or at least draw some blood.

The boy wailed for a while and the girl joined in too, apparently as a show of solidarity. Maul reveled in their pain and despair, hoping the rest of the afternoon would go as pleasantly. Then he remembered Sidious's command to keep the brats happy and started to panic. As he struggled to think of how he could stop their crying, the boy abruptly turned to Maul.

"Are those horns real? Can I touch them? Can I have them?" Despite Maul's protests, the boy reached out and seized two of the horns in his grubby little fists. As Obi-Wan had discovered earlier under markedly different circumstances, the area around a Zabrakian's horns are perhaps the most sensitive part of his body, certainly they boast a high concentration of nerve endings. Ani's rough touch was the very antithesis of the padawan's tender caresses and Maul howled in agony. Lashing out with the Force, he hurled the boy against the couch, which toppled over from the impact, sending child and cushions sprawling across the floor.

I've done it now, Maul thought. They're going to go crying to their parents and everything will be ruined. Sidious is going to chain me to a chair and force me to listen to Yaddle's cover of "Natural Woman" until I am no longer capable of coherent thought. My career as a Sith Lord is effectively over.

There was dead silence in the room for a few long seconds, then Ani's head poked over the couch. He was grinning.

"Do it again"

"No, my turn" cried Amalia, hurtling herself bodily into Maul. Before her hands could reach his horns, he sent her flying across the room to land in his inflatable Jar Jar chair which Sidious had purchased for him in a fit of insanity. She squealed with delight and both children converged on Maul with fiendish intent. Alarmed, he sent them flying into the far wall, but soon they came bounding back.

"Do it again, do it again!" they cried in unison. Over and over Maul flung them around the room, hoping they would grow tired or at least receive some form of incapacitating injury. But their endurance and resilience seemed inexhaustible. Eventually, he collapsed on the floor, gasping for breath. The children crawled over him like vermin, begging him not to stop. What was Sidious thinking, calling these monsters innocent? he thought. Or is this another lesson I'm supposed to learn?

"No more, please, no more," he begged as he tried feebly to keep their hands away from his tender skull. "Isn't there something else you want to do, somewhere we can go? Just stop touching me!"

"Can we go to the park? Can we go to the park? Can we go to the park?" they yelled as they bounced around the room.

"Sure" gasped Maul, thinking anything was better than this insanity.

They cheered and went flying out his front door. As Maul turned to go he looked around for his apprentice. She was cowering on top of a bookshelf and refused to come down. You are a wise one, he thought as he followed the children down the hall.

***

This place is truly a wretched hive of scum and villainy, thought Maul as he surveyed the teeming throng of children roiling over and around the playground equipment in Valorum Park. Then his heart sank as he spotted a familiar tan-and-brown clad pair over by the swings.

"Push me higher, Qui-Gon!" chirped the pimply-faced padawan as he pumped his legs for all he was worth. "Gosh, I just love swinging!"

"Patience, my young apprentice," said the older Jedi with a patient smile.

"Higher! I wanna jump!"

Qui-Gon smiled indulgently and gave him a good shove. At the peak of the arc, Obi-Wan let go of the swing and flew forward. He tucked into a neat somersault as he soared through the air. That little goody-two-shoes showoff, thought Maul with a sneer. He thinks he's so hot just because he's got the best ass in Coruscant. I'll show him.

Reaching out with the Force, Maul gave the Jedi a shove. Obi-Wan was knocked to one side and landed on the ground in a tangle of limbs. He began to wail and Qui-Gon rushed to his side.

"Oh, you poor darling, let me kiss your boo-boos" said the Jedi Master as he cradled his apprentice in his arms. "Where does it hurt?"

"Here, master. And here. No, lower"

"Obi-Wan, there are children present! I'll kiss it better later, when we have some privacy."

Maul sauntered over, having had enough of this display of affection. It looked like the Jedi were cheering up and that just wouldn't do.

"Oh, hello neighbor," said Obi-Wan much too brightly. "Do you like the playground too? Do you want to go on the see-saw with me later? Say, those are really nice jeans. Are they button fly?"

Darth Maul did his best to ignore the twit's searching eyes and his own rising temperature and turned instead to Qui-Gon. In his most suggestive voice he murmured, "Senator Palpatine sends his greetings." The Jedi blushed deeply and tried to hide his face. Maul smirked and sauntered away, just as Obi-Wan's lower lip began to tremble.

His smooth exit was marred by Ani and Amalia rushing up out of nowhere and grabbing his legs. They were apparently upset because some of the other children had gotten ice cream from a vendor and they wanted some too. Maul searched his pockets, but there was no money there. The children refused to let go until they had secured a promise of treats.

"Why don't you just go and take it from some other children?" Maul asked.

"We can't do that, that's not nice" said Ani soberly.

"The Dark Side does not care about nice. Feel your hunger, use your rage, strike them down and take their popsicles. I sense much anger in you, my children. Utilize it to get what you want."

"But Daddy says the Dark Side is bad. He told us we should be good like the Jedi."

Maul rolled his eyes. "The Jedi are terminally uncool. Look at what they wear. Is tan cool? The Dark Side is badass. Sith wear black and get to eat ice cream whenever they want. Do you want to be a wussy Jedi or a badass Sith?"

"Sith! Sith" cried Amalia, clearly the more vicious of the two. She darted up to a young boy and slugged him in the stomach. As he doubled over, she neatly snatched the popsicle out of his hands and skipped off.

"Look Ani, I've got ice cream and you don't. You must be a loser Jedi" she sang.

Ani's eyes began to fill with tears. Maul sighed in exasperation. "Come on Ani, I feel great potential for the Dark Side within you. You know you want to give in. Your sister is already one of us. Do you wish to be alone, with no ice cream? Is your sister braver than you are?"

"No!" cried Ani, defiantly. "She's a baby!"

"Then reach out with your rage and hatred and take what is rightfully yours. These other children are weak and should be crushed beneath your boot heel. Stop your whining and let the anger flow."

Ani grimly set his jaw and marched towards the crowd of children gathered around the ice cream vendor. Upon reaching them he exploded into a flurry of kicks and punches which left several children crying on the ground. Ani returned to Maul beaming proudly, an ice cream sandwich in each hand. "The Dark Side kicks ass!" he said, "I want to be an evil Sith Lord and take over the galaxy. Did you see how I knocked those kids down? This is so much fun. I'm going to tell all my friends to join the Dark Side."

"Patience, my young apprentice. That was a good start, but you have much training to undergo before you can be a true Sith Lord. Why don't you stick with bullying for now? Take your sister and establish your dominance on the playground."

A few hours later Maul relaxed happily on a bench. His charges had established a reign of terror on the playground and had all the other children under their thumbs. He was in awe of their creativity and capacity for cruelty. Truly, he thought, my master was wise in forcing me to take on the care of these children. The capacity for the Dark Side is great in the young. Glancing at his Sith Invaders watch which he had got by sending in ten boxtops of Wookiee Krispies he realized it was time to bring the children back.

They were quite reluctant to leave. Ani pouted and Amalia threw a tantrum. Eventually Maul was forced to use the Mind Whammy to convince them that they wanted to go. As the three of them made their way out of Valorum Park, Amalia proudly raised her hand to display a long, ratty braid. "I just ripped it off a sissy Jedi" she said smugly. Maul's lips curled into a cruel smile as he picked up the sound of Obi-Wan's wailing.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! My beautiful hair!"

END

(6/24/99)

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