Sith Academy-Cleaning Day
By Katherine the Art Chick
Disclaimer: Darth Sidious, Darth Maul, and Obi-Wan Kenobi belong to Lucasfilm. No copyright infringement intended. This story © (copyright) Katherine the Art Chick, 1999.
Darth Maul sat on the couch, hunched over, wearing only his white boxers, playing his latest favorite, Jedi Tomb Raider III. Oh, yeah, Darth Lara Croft, a babe that kicks ass! Beside him, on a pile of dirty laundry, his cat stretched lazily. Her foot landed in some ketchup in a precarious pile of dirty dishes, and, in vengence, she kicked the pile onto the floor and tracked ketchup on the dirty clothes before cleaning her paw with an expression of distate. Maul was oblivious.
"Maul!" Sidious yelled. Maul jumped, made a noise of dismay as he lost his game. "I've been calling you!"
"I'm sorry, Master. The game is very involving."
"So I see. Perhaps I should revoke your gaming priveleges."
"Please master," Maul said, kneeling humbly. "I apologize for my inattention. Please do not take my favorite diversion."
"You are kneeling in your pizza," Sidious observed. "You are an unspeakable slob, my young apprentice."
"They say cleanliness is next to Jedi-hood, my master," Maul sneered.
"True, but the appearance and smell of your living quarters offend me." Sidious picked up Maul's Sony Play Station, disconnecting it from the television. "No more games until your apartment is clean. I will return your toy after inspecting your apartment and finding it to my liking."
"Does this anger you, Maul?"
"Then perhaps you should rise up and strike me down. Or are you afraid your toy will break in the fight?" Sidious cackled evilly. Maul stood, and his lightsaber flew across the room into his hand and ignited in one smooth move. Sidious held the play station in front of him as a shield and snickered. Maul glared.
"When the day comes that I strike you down, I will enjoy it mightily, master." Maul switched off his lightsaber. Sidious turned and walked towards the door, Maul's beloved Play Station still in his hands. A lamp sailed towards Sidious' head, and Sidious turned and with a wave of his hand sent it into the wall. A second wave caused Maul's throat to contract in warning.
"Don't forget to clean up that lamp," Sidious smirked. "See you at sunset." Sidious cackled and left.
Maul looked around the apartment in sudden despair. Cleaning! Gah! the horror! He looked down at the cat.
"You are my apprentice. Perhaps you should clean!" The cat meowed and waved her paw, and Maul obediantly went into the kitchen and opened her the can of tuna he was planning to use for his own lunch. When he realized what he had done, he snarled and reached down to take the tuna off the cat's plate, but she meowed again and waved her paw and he left the apartment. At last, she could eat her tuna in peace!
"I charge sixty republican credits, and I don't do windows!" Maul agreed amiably, thinking that he would kill this grouchy old woman as soon as he had paid her. He opened the door. She trundled in with a mop and broom, and stopped dead in her tracks in horror, causing Maul to walk into her from behind and almost knock her over. She waved the mop and broom around wildly to catch herself, causing the cat to hiss at her.
"I don't DO this kind of thing!" she said.
"What do you mean?"
"This place is filthy!"
"Yes, and you are a cleaning woman. Clean."
"I clean the houses of respectable people. Not bantha sties!" She turned to leave. Maul lit his lightsaber.
"You WILL clean, old woman, or you will bitterly regret it!"
"Are you threatening me? I don't think so. You try to make me work under threatening conditions and I'll do a terrible job. I might even ruin your carpet!" She smirked evilly.
"Are you threatening ME, old woman? I shall take days slicing you up! You will die in agony!"
"Now, now, there's no reason to take that tone with ME, young man! I'll tell you what, I'll do it." Maul switched off his lightsaber. "For two hundred credits."
"Two hundred credits! Are you mad?"
"Take it or leave it." Maul looked at his watch, then allowed his shoulders to slump in defeat. "And you provide all the cleaning products... you DO have cleaning products, don't you?"
Maul snarled, but a sudden thought struck him. "Wait here," he said. He stepped out on his balcony, then climbed over onto the balcony of his neighbor, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Using the force to unlock the door, he rummaged under the sink, and filled a trash bag with all of Kenobi's cleaning products. Locking the door behind him, he carried his haul back to his apartment. "Will this do?" he asked, presenting the cleaning woman with the bag. She grunted assent.
"You're in my way," she grumped. "You can wait on the balcony. Take your animal with you." At this, the cat hissed and launched herself at the cleaning woman, claws flailing. Maul caught her in midair, and gently carried her outside. He used the force to bring her food, water, and litterbox with him. She curled up on his lap and fell asleep.
"Why do birds suddenly appear, everytime you are near? Just like me, they long to be, close to youuuuuuuuuuuu." Maul put his hands over his ears and moaned at the cleaning woman's taste in music. The cat flattened her ears, then jumped down from Maul's lap and leapt over to Kenobi's balcony to nap. Maul jumped over to join her.
"...Good times, bad times, you know I've had my share, but my woman left home with a brown-eyed man and I still don't seem to care!" Could it be? The Jedi twerp had cool taste in music? Perhaps Kenobi was not irredeemable. Perhaps he could be turned to the dark side! Maul nodded along with the music. Kenobi danced into view in his underwear--tight little white briefs. At the sight of Maul on his balcony, he stopped and blushed sheepishly. He pulled on a robe, walked over to the sliding glass door, unlocked it, and asked, "I'm sorry. Was my music bothering you?"
"Hardly. Led Zeppelin kicks ass!"
"Thanks! Can I offer you something? Pepsi?"
"No, sorry. Master Qui-Gon doesn't like it when I drink. He says it brings out my dark side." Maul smirked. Obi-Wan pulled out some carrots and started chopping. "I hope you don't mind," he said. "You're welcome to stay and talk, but I need to finish dinner. Master Qui-Gon is bringing friends over for dinner."
Maul sniffed, and his stomach started rumbling. Where could he get himself an apprentice who could cook? Suddenly, he realized that he hadn't eaten in about 18 hours. Too much Jedi Tomb Raider. Kenobi, hearing the sound, stopped chopping and offered Maul a pepsi and some freshly baked cookies. "That was quite a rumble!" Kenobi said. Maul devoured the cookies.
"Join me, and together we will slay my master and rule the universe together! He will be no match for us!"
"You want me to be a Sith? Never!"
"Bah! I guess good taste in music means nothing!" Maul leapt back to his own balcony.
"Yeah! What you said!" Kenobi shouted after him.
"I'm finished. Where's my check!"
Maul turned to see dirty windows and thirty bags of trash in an otherwise immaculate apartment. "What do you mean, finished, old hag?" he snarled.
"I don't do windows or trash. You're just lucky I did your toilet!" She shuddered.
"If you wish to be paid, you will do windows and trash."
"I'm old and tired and my back ain't what it used to be. I'll do the windows, if you do the trash."
"Agreed," Maul said.
"No fee is worth this!" the cleaning woman muttered as she rummaged around in the bag of cleaning supplies looking for window cleaner. Maul opened the sliding glass door and leapt over to Kenobi's balcony. No sign of Kenobi, but the dinner was on the table. It was lovely. Salmon, turkey, fresh vegetables, home-baked bread... Maul's stomach began rumbling again. And then a brilliant thought struck him. Opening the door, he sent Kenobi's dinner floating into his own apartment, and his bags of trash into Kenobi's. He piled the bags on the table, where they formed a mountain reaching up to the ceiling. He chuckled quietly.
"This will teach you to spurn the dark side!" he said, and locked the door behind him.
"I have to admit, I'm impressed, my young apprentice," Sidious said, taking another slice of salmon. "Not just a clean apartment, but also dinner." Maul grabbed an entire turkey leg and grinned.
"Noooooooooooooooooooo!" The wail of dismay travelled through the wall from the neighboring apartment. Sidious looked up curiously. Maul smirked.
"Your check bounced."
"What did you do? race directly to my bank? I was going to obtain the funds!"
"I thought I might take my neighbor prisoner, get him drunk, and whore him in bars."
Darth Sidious was full to the brim with dinner, but not so full that he couldn't fall off the sofa laughing. Still chuckling, he waved a hand in the old woman's direction. "You'll just run the check through again in the morning."
"I'll just run the check through again in the morning," she agreed. Maul shut the door in her face.
"That mental image was worth 200 credits, my young pupil," Sidious said, pulling out some bills and handing them to Maul. Maul beamed. Sidious smirked and handed Maul his Sony Play Station. Maul kissed it.
"I'll hold him down for you, my master!"
"Don't push your luck."
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