Darth Maul Goes on a Date
By Katherine the Art Chick
Disclaimer: Darth Sidious, Darth Maul and Obi-Wan Kenobi belong to Lucasfilm. No copyright infringement intended. This story © (copyright) Katherine the Art Chick, 1999.
And with a thank you to Siubhan for the story suggestions.
Sidious let himself into his apprentice's apartment as usual, and was dismayed to see Maul playing another violent video game.
"Maul, you're pathetic!" Sidious exclaimed. "Did you learn nothing from my commanding you to get laid?"
"I'm not sure I wanted to learn that my neighbor was good in bed," Maul sneered.
"That's it. In punishment, I am commanding you to go on a date. And Maul, taking your Sony Play Station to the drive in does NOT count as a date with Darth Lara Croft!"
Maul looked up at Sidious in dismay. "But there are none worthy of me! There are only two, a master and an apprentice, and I prefer women!"
"Oh, no, Maul, it's a poor idea for Sith to date Sith. Did you think I was keeping my hands off you out of respect for your avowed heterosexuality?" Sidious cackled at his student's naivete. Maul wondered where he had put the pepto bismal; he was suddenly nauseous. "No, no, you're not ready. But you're wrong about the lack of female Sith--well, she's not really a Sith, but she may be some day. Remember that young woman who appeared on Jerry Springer with you? I've been keeping an eye on her. In fact, at one point I considered killing you and taking her as my apprentice--she's much more powerful with the Force than you--but she lacks drive."
Several thoughts collided in Maul's head... Killing me... replacing me with... my hatred is complete! I will find this woman and together we will kill this sadistic prick! And more powerful than the Force than me? I think not, but we could have hours of hot, Force-driven sex...
"Where can I find this woman?"
"Oh, forget it, Maul, you're not ready."
"I will find her, and I will date her," Maul vowed.
"Why don't you do yourself a favor and do things the EASY way for a change and ask out your neighbor? you know that under your denial you want him..."
Maul blushed under his tattoo. "It was just sex!"
"What? you think I want you to fall in love?" Sidious sneered. "Have you learned nothing? Fine, I will teach you the lesson you are so anxious to learn. She is working at a strip bar called 'Sithly Vixens.'"
Sithly Vixens was one of the hottest Gentlebeing's strip clubs in the area, and apparently Mary Sue was the headliner, Maul realized as he drove up at half-past nine. He figured he might enjoy catching her act. Nothing quite like seeing your date naked before you take her out, he thought.
"Excuse me, sir," the doorman said. "There's a fifty-credit cover."
Maul waved his hand and said, "I don't need to pay a cover."
"You don't need to pay a cover."
Maul wandered in and found a table just as the announcer said, "And now, for her last performance of the evening! everyone give a big hand to Darth Mary Sue! performing to Sandy Springfield's 'Son of a Jedi Man.'" Maul felt a powerful disturbance in the dark side of Force.
"Obi-Wan was a Jedi's son, and when his daddy would visit he'd come along..." The audience was transfixed, and even though Maul knew perfectly well that Mary Sue was manipulating the Force to increase the lust of the viewers he was transfixed as well, powerless before the flood of horniness that washed over him. He shook his head to shake off the whammy. This woman was powerful with the Force! She was worthy of his bed!
Mary Sue bumped, ground, and took her clothes off. All too soon, the song was over. Mary Sue waved her hand, and said, "Thank you. You will all now give me enormous tips." The audience rushed the stage, waving money, which Mary Sue cheerfully collected. She then stepped backstage to grab a robe. She approached Maul.
"You're Sith, aren't you? Oh, come on. I could feel you fighting me. And you didn't tip me."
Mary Sue smirked. "When?"
"I'm not quite off work yet," she said. "I need to work the floor. It's in my contract."
"Work the floor?"
"Yes, I need to make some of these horny losers buy me expensive drinks." She shrugged. "But after work, we'll date. Think of something interesting for us to do." She walked to the table next to Maul. "Hi, Bill."
"Wow, Mary Sue, you're such a good dancer," Bill slurred drunkenly.
"Buy me a drink, Bill."
"Here, let me buy you a drink."
"Only two hundred credit champagne is good enough for a girl like me."
"Only two hundred credit champagne is good enough for a girl like you! Waitress! A bottle of your best! Gee, you're a swell girl, Mary Sue. Will you go home with me tonight?"
"No. Open your wallet and give me all your money. You can pay for the champagne with your credit card."
"Here, take my money! I can pay for the champagne with my credit card. Are you sure you won't go home with me tonight?"
"No. I have a date. With him." Mary Sue pointed at the fascinated Maul. "Do you have an ATM card?"
"Yeah. Mary Sue, I'll buy you an Ewok fur coat if you go home with me. Or how about if you just lapdance for me?"
"I don't like Ewok fur. Here, drink this bottle of champagne and another Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster... after you empty out your account in that ATM machine over there and give me the money." Bill obediently leapt up and trotted over to the ATM, champagne glass in hand.
"You are powerful with the dark side!" Maul said, impressed.
"It's even easier when they're drunk," Mary Sue said. Bill came back with an enormous wad of bills, which he handed to Mary Sue. "Thank you, Bill. Now, drink up, like a good boy, enjoy the show, and remember nothing."
"Yes, Mary Sue," Bill said, and slurped down a glass of champagne. Mary Sue moved on to another table.
"Hi, Tobba. How you doing tonight?" The Wookie roared something back. "Great. Buy me a drink? ...How much money do you have? ...Okay, buy yourself a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster and give me the rest." Mary Sue moved to another table, out of Maul's earshot... especially with the loud music and that drunken fool shouting...
"I love you, Mary Sue!" Bill called drunkenly, bottle of champagne in his hand, as he got up to follow her.
"Sit down, Bill." Bill kept his butt parked in his seat but continued to bellow.
"I love you, Mary Sue! I love you! I love you! I love you, Mary Sue!" The bouncer moved towards Bill, but Mary Sue shook her head and sat down at Bill's table. The bouncer moved off to let Mary Sue handle it.
"You're drunk, and your presence offends me," Mary Sue told Bill. "Take a cab home, and come back when you have more money." Sadly yet obediently, Bill went to take a cab home. Mary Sue leaned over Maul's table, giving him a good view. "So, my Sith friend... my face is up here... I'm going to change, and then we can leave. Wait here."
They left the club, having to step over Bill, who was passed out on the ground next to the door. "I hate that guy," Mary Sue said. "But he's loaded. Would you believe he owns a major technology corporation?"
They stopped next to Maul's old, beat up vehicle. "THIS is your car?" Mary Sue asked scornfully. "I thought you were a Sith. We'll take mine." She led him to a sporty hoverconvertable with the license plate "SITHLADY."
"No, not really."
"Yes, you do," Maul said with a wave of his hand.
"No, I don't," Mary Sue insisted. Maul blinked.
"Yes, you do," Maul said, waving his hand again.
"Give it up, horn-man, you're not going to whammy me into bed," Mary Sue exclaimed, rolling her eyes. "Where to?"
Maybe Sidious had a point about her powers. And about Sith not dating Sith.
"Your apartment is disgusting!" Mary Sue exclaimed.
"Why don't you clean it for me?" Maul asked with a wave of his hand. Mary Sue snorted.
"Yeah. Right." She reached down to give Maul's apprentice a head scritch, then looked up at Maul and smiled. "Your cat told me she was a Sith Master. Gullible me, I believed her for about forty-eight hours... until that creepy guy showed up at the Vixen. You know the one." She sent Maul a mental image of Sidious. "I felt his mark on you." She stood. "So, what do you want from me... aside from sex?"
"He commanded me to date," Maul sneered. "Only you are worthy."
"And you want to kill him." Maul blinked. "I have to admit mixed feelings on that one. It WOULD begin my training, but I'm not sure we're ready, and he would kill us if we failed. Well, that, and I'm not sure which would be worse, being your apprentice or his apprentice," she sneered.
"Perhaps we should spar together," Maul said. "Exchange knowledge."
"Yeah," Mary Sue said. "Even if we don't kill creepy guy, we'll both improve."
"You fight like a girl," Maul sneered scornfully, and rolled his eyes. When he was looking away, Mary Sue kicked him in the balls. Maul doubled over.
"I AM a girl, and I've never handled a lightsaber before. You wanna drop that lightsaber and go hand-to-hand? I can do hand-to-hand."
"Point taken," Maul gasped. "I will not underestimate you again." He raised his lightsaber in front of him. Mary Sue mimicked him, with an expression of intense concentration.
Maul struck out. Mary Sue parried clumsily. "No, no. Don't think. Feel your hatred, and strike out at me."
Mary Sue struck out with several vicious, beautiful blows combined with acrobatic leaps. Maul switched off his lightsaber and stared. "You cheated! You are striking out with MY hatred, not yours!" Maul gasped.
"It worked," Mary Sue said, petulant.
"It won't work against a Jedi," Maul said.
"Point taken," Mary Sue sighed. "Maybe I should just think about the time Bill groped my butt. Or those sucky temp jobs I had before I learned to use the dark side."
"You are not accessing the Force through your rage?" Maul asked.
"No, I find it easier to use my baser instincts. But greed and lust don't really help one fight, do they?" She sighed, and Maul felt an adjustment in the Force as she reached out to the Force with her rage. "Okay, come and get me, horny boy!"
Maul bared his teeth. Mary Sue growled. They sparred.
"Your fighting is much improved. Wanna fuck?" Mary Sue growled and attacked him viciously.
Hot and sweaty, they sat on Maul's filthy couch drinking beer. "Really, Maul. This apartment. You ought to do something."
"Tell me how you access the Force," Maul demanded, ignoring her.
"To use your baser instincts to access the dark side, you need to be in touch with them," she smirked. "I sense you are repressed."
"I am not!" Maul exclaimed.
Mary Sue stood up, and peeled off her sweaty t-shirt and threw it at Maul. "Surely a true Sith is not afraid of his desires," she taunted. Maul felt another wave of desire. "Better. But don't fight it. Be it, and shape it."
Maul stood, and removed his sweaty t-shirt. He reached deep into his lust. "Wanna fuck?" he asked.
"No, not really," she taunted. "But that was better--it would have worked on someone drunk." She sighed. "Eugh, I need a shower." She wrinkled her nose.
"You want me," Maul said, sending another whammy.
"Worse," Mary Sue said. "You're not in touch with your desires, are you, Maul?"
"I will kill my master and rule the universe!" Maul said.
"And until then you live here?" Mary Sue retorted. "And drive that car?" Maul's eyes widened in understanding.
"I want a sports hovercar! A wildly expensive shiny black sexy hovercar!"
"Give in to your desires and go get it," Mary Sue taunted. "Shall I drive you to the dealership?"
"Yes!" Maul exclaimed. "I have always wanted a Carminium, and now I have one!" He ran his hands over the car with a gleam of maniacal lust in his eye. "It was easy!"
"Are you going to have sex with it?" Mary Sue taunted.
Maul sent his lust for the car into a Mary Sue whammy. "No, I'm going to have sex with you."
"Better," Mary Sue admitted. "But you're supposed to make me want to screw you, not the car," she quipped. "I think it's time for more lightsaber sparring, horny boy."
Maul handed Mary Sue a lightsaber, then turned around to take a swig of beer. "Sure you wouldn't rather screw?"
There was a strange disturbance in the Force, like a thick, black fog of hate filling the apartment. Slowly, he turned around. Mary Sue's face was contorted into an insane snarl of hate, her mouth frothed, and her eyes glowed red.
Mary Sue ignited her lightsaber. "NO I DON'T YOU HORNY LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed in a primal howl of rage. It was all Maul could do to get his lightsaber in between them as she attacked him. Her speed, her violence... it was stunning. Maul fought valiantly but Mary Sue knocked the lightsaber from his hand and stood over him, ready to deliver the death-blow.
Maul heard cackling, and looked up to see his master standing beside Mary Sue. "Excellent! Excellent, my little apprentice. Now strike him down and take his place at my side!"
Maul thought Mary Sue had never looked so beautiful as she did in her victory. Like an avenging goddess, or a lovely demon. Truly she was worthy of him. Suddenly, he understood, and sent Mary Sue all his lust for her in her glory.
Mary Sue blinked.
Maul felt Mary Sue fight him, but he persisted, whammying her again as he admired the curve of her bicep as she held the lightsaber over his head ready to whack it off. You are hot shit, he thought. You kick ass!
"Cut him down!" Sidious demanded. Mary Sue stared fixedly at Maul, eyes starting to glaze over. Sidious looked from Mary Sue to Maul, and back to Mary Sue.
You, thought Maul, are MUCH hotter than Darth Lara Croft. The thick black fog turned red.
"I think I like Horny Boy or something," Mary Sue said, dazed, trying to clear her head.
Sidious was obviously disappointed. "I see you rallied, Maul. Congratulations."
Sidious sat sullenly on Maul's balcony. He supposed the outcome wasn't that bad--Maul was obviously the better pupil, but if anything happened to Maul Mary Sue would make an excellent apprentice. But he had hoped to play them off one another in order to improve one of them, not get Maul laid again. Of course, Mary Sue HAD improved Maul. He had known HE couldn't appeal to Maul's baser instincts. Perhaps he should encourage Maul and Mary Sue to date and train together BECAUSE it was a bad idea. Those stout little black hearts could never cooperate enough to strike him down and eventually one of them would rise up and slay the other.
Maul wandered out on the balcony in his boxer shorts and smirked at Sidious as he lit a cigarette. Sidious eyed him lasciviously.
"I'm glad you won, Maul," he said. "You're much prettier." Maul's lip twitched in disgust, but he merely took a big drag on his cigarette.
Mary Sue wandered out onto the balcony. "Could you please put that disgusting thing out?" she asked Maul sweetly. Maul, seeing the reasonableness of this request, threw it onto his neighbor Obi-Wan's balcony, where it landed on some of Obi-Wan's laundry, burning a cigarette hole in some of his white cotton briefs. Mary Sue smirked at Sidious over Maul's head. Sidious repressed a smile.
"As you know, my dear," Sidious told Mary Sue, "there are always two and only two--a master and an apprentice. If anything happens to Maul here, you'll be my first choice, but until then you must quit calling yourself a Sith."
"Half the strippers in this town call themselves Sith!" Mary Sue complained. "Surely you can't object!"
Sidious gave Mary Sue a warning glare. "I don't object to the stage name, my little acolyte. I object to your telling your landlord, your cleaning woman, the car salesman, the kid at the grocery store register, and cute padawans you're trying to pick up in bars. It's too close to the truth now."
"Busted," Mary Sue admitted.
"I also advise you not to take that tone with me in the future. I realize that you're totally untrained and don't realize this, but there's a reason I'm the master."
"He's a sadistic prick," Maul said.
"Flattery will get you everywhere," Sidious countered.
Email the author
To the Chronological Story Index
To the Author Story Index
Return to the Sith Academy Homepage
Back to Siubhan's House of Horror