Sith Academy: Darth Maul Visits the Magic Kingdom
by Lilith Sedai
clmckinn@unity.ncsu.edu

Darth Maul picked up the bottle of beer propped against his crotch and took a deep swig of the cold liquid, his eyes riveted to the screen. Hayley Mills and Hayley Mills in The Parent Trap riveted him with the same horrified fascination a Jedi padawan would experience if he saw his Master impaled before his very eyes. Every time he thought his soul had plumbed the absolute depths of evil, a movie like this would arise and teach him that he had much to learn about the deepest horrors of the universe.

He belched lengthily and grabbed a fistful of Doritos, official food of the Sith (now Nacho Cheesier). Stuffing the Doritos into his mouth, he sneered at the weakling parents on the screen. Soon they would give in to the twin horrors that awaited, and become helpless victims of--

WHAM! His door flew open and splintered against the wall. Instinctively Maul panicked, spraying half-chewed chips all over the TV screen as he lunged for the remote control to hide his obsession with such cute movies, but it was far too late. Darth Sidious stood outside, glaring viciously in at his apprentice.

"Hayley MILLS?" he hissed, his lips curling downward. "You're watching the Hayley Mills FILM FESTIVAL on Jedi Network Television???" Sidious stalked in while Maul was still choking and scrabbling wildly between the couch cushions for the remote. The dark lord snatched up a magazine from the littered tabletop, his lips curling with contempt.

"THE SHIRLEY TEMPLE FAN CLUB???" Sidious was beyond speech; as he stared down at the magazine his lips worked wildly, glittering with spittle, but no words came out. Maul groveled on the floor, vowing to himself that next time he would remember to paste a Biker Babes in Bondage cover onto his fan club newsletter. That should cover his ass--Sidious was more interested in Biker Boys.

At last his Master mustered sufficient control to fling the magazine from him, and it shattered a window. Maul winced; his landlord was going to be pissed. The dark lord started to speak, just as Hayley Mills began to warble "Let's Get Together..." Sidious shuddered violently and pivoted toward the television. A vicious barrage of purple lightning stabbed from his fingers, and the set exploded.

Sidious returned his attention to Maul, who was regarding the smoking television set dismally. Now where would he play Jedi Roadkill IV? There was a long pause that pulsated with tension.

"Come with me!" Sidious's voice was a deadly hiss when it finally came, and Maul knew he was in for it. He snatched his perennial favorite "Sith Lords Kick Ass" T-shirt and yanked it over his head, being careful not to snag the aging fabric on any of his horns. "Bring all your money," Sidious snapped, not bothering to look over his shoulder. Maul trailed along in his wake, cowed down like a whipped puppy. "Today, my young apprentice, you will feel your anger as never before."

***

When they took the Disney World of Coruscant exit, the Sith apprentice knew he was in serious trouble. "Master!" he bleated.

"You sound like that simpering twit Obi-Wan," Sidious didn't let up a bit. "I'll cure you of this little fetish, apprentice, if it takes all weekend!"

Sidious controlled the car with angry, sharp twitches of the wheel, following a maze of exits toward his unstated destination. Maul had momentary hopes involving Disney MGM, but soon that exit was far behind--so much for buying himself an Indiana Jones hat. To his dismay, they also passed up Epcot. He crossed his arms, sulking. He wanted to play on the new NASCAR track!

Ah well, he rationalized. Animal Kingdom had its merits. At least he could torment the other passengers on the safari trams... but his Master veered, forcing a minivan full of screaming Jedi Academy students off into the fetid marsh ditch next to the road, and passed under the sign that read "Magic Kingdom."

"NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

***

They followed a series of lot attendants into the vast parking area. Waves of heat rose in shimmering distortion from the hot asphalt, and Maul gloated for a moment, glad that he hadn't worn his Sith robes like Sidious had. He was grateful for the ratty T-shirt; even though it was black it was well-ventilated. He stuck his tongue out at Sidious while his Master wasn't looking.

"Get out of the car." Sidious's voice could have frozen an Acreoni lava lizard. Maul hurriedly obeyed, and the two Sith lords rushed so they wouldn't be left in the lot by the loading tram.

"Remember where we parked," Sidious advised Maul. The Sith apprentice squinted at the nearby sign. Minnie Mouse Lot B? He felt his jaw lock at the picture of the cute little mouse in the polka dot dress. She had none of the vivacious appeal of Hayley Mills, that was for sure. "Yes, Master," he muttered resentfully.

They were finally permitted to troop onto the shuttle and the Tram cast-member flipped on the PA. In a horribly nasal, flat monotone that never paused and never lost its winsomely cute intonation, he chanted the following mantra. "YouareparkedinMinnieLotBThat'sMinnieLotB Writeitdownbecauseyou'llneedtorememberitattheendoftheday oryouwillneverseeyourcaragain." The passengers laughed dutifully. Maul viciously kicked a folded baby stroller off of the tram, ignoring the remainder of the tirade. He bared his teeth at the young mother as she started to protest. Using the space he had gained, he slouched down in his seat

"Pleasegatherallpersonalbelongingsincludingsmallchildren andexittotheleftofthetram.Thankyouforridingourtramservice wehopeyouhadapleasantrideandenjoytherestofyourdayintheMagicKingdom." Maul and Sidious disembarked and approached the ticketing booth. Maul shoved his way into line, growling at the Jedi students in his way. They were EVERYWHERE; the Republic gave them half-price passes as a perk for joining the Jedi Academy. Whimpering, they scuttled aside. Maul and Sidious quickly found themselves at the ticket booth.

"Two tickets for the Magic Kingdom." Palpatine spat each word at the cheerful clerk. He held out his palm, demanding Maul's pocket money.

"But Master, the Sith Mind Whammy!" Maul whined.

"Fork over the loot!" Palpatine's voice cracked like a whip, and Maul dug sullenly into the pocket of his black jeans.

Two 400-credit tickets later, they were passed through a turnstile. "Sith should not be treated like cattle!" Maul yowled. Sidious shushed him with a gesture.

"We shall ride the monorail to the park, my young apprentice."

***

After two hours of waiting in line, Maul and Sidious swooshed over the broad lake toward the castled horizon. Maul's temper was boiling as he listened to the standees before him banter about their upcoming day.

"I wanna ride the teacups!" Obi-Wan was bouncing, and Qui-Gon gave him an indulgent smile.

"Patience, my young Padawan," Qui-Gon simpered, licking his lips. "I was thinking more along the lines of... Splash Mountain, or the Pirates of the Caribbean, perhaps?"

Maul nearly retched as the older Jedi groped his apprentice's ass only inches from the Sith's face.

"Mmm, that long indoor line, the dark passageways..." Obi-Wan dug his toe coyly into the textured carpeting. "But what I'd REALLY love to do is neck on "It's A Small World."

"You read my mind, young padawan."

Maul couldn't stand any more. Reaching out to the Dark Side, he used the Force to apply a keen pinch to the bottom of a hefty mid-forties matron standing next to Qui-Gon. Gasping, she whirled and bitch-slapped the innocent Jedi Master indignantly and soundly.

"Master!" Obi-Wan bleated, jealous, and huffed into a sulk, turning his back on the elder Jedi. He stuck his lower lip out appealingly, pouting.

Maul just grinned.

"Good," Sidious breathed, basking in the hatred that now filled the small car. "But not good enough. You have no idea of the horror that awaits you in the future!" His slow, low cackle swelled till it filled the entire monorail. When it slid to a stop, the passengers erupted from all possible doors and fled into the park.

***

Maul and Sidious moved down Main Street USA together, using their powers to shove hapless tourists aside. Maul amused himself during the trek by slamming his horns into balloons and popping them. After a few minutes of that diverting activity, he realized that it was damned hot. Wiping sweat from his tattoo-mottled brow with the tail of his T-shirt, he honed his senses to battle-keen alertness and used them to locate an ice-cream vendor.

His mouth watered, but Sidious had kept the change from the ticket booth and spent his last dime on a pith helmet with mouse-shaped ears that he'd plunked down atop his hood. Clearly, Sidious was "getting into the spirit of things." His Master made a truly eye-popping sight, parading down the street in his majestic mousey majesty. Clearly he felt no sympathy at all for his apprentice's hunger pangs. Maul snarled and decided he would wait till lunchtime, but a sudden tremor in the Force made him aware of his arch-enemy's presence.

Obi-Wan Kenobi was counting through his Disney Dollars and purchasing a mouse-shaped ice cream sandwich, giving the vendor a generous tip.

"Just a minute, Master," Maul darted away through the crowd.

"Hi!" The young Jedi beamed at Maul as he shoved his way through the milling throng. "You were on the monorail, weren't you! Nice to see you again."

"You will give me the ice cream!" Maul mind-whammied Obi-Wan mercilessly and without any of the customary preliminary formalities.

"I will give you the ice cream!" Obi-Wan agreed enthusiastically.

Maul snatched the junk-food from the young Jedi's hand. He was hotter and hungrier than he'd realized, and the cold ice cream would taste so good! He bit down on it with all his strength.

"OOWWWWWW!!!" It was as solid as a rock. Maul snatched for his lightsaber. Obi-Wan took one look at the fearsome double blade, let out a terrified "eep," and took to his heels. Not bothering to pursue him, Maul struck out and diced the vendor's cart to smithereens in a glorious flurry of vengeance. Finishing, he gathered the now half-melted snack off the concrete sidewalk, brushed off some grit, and devoured it wrathfully.

"Good, GOOD, my young apprentice!" Sidious appeared out of the horrified crowd, one hand holding the flimsy straw pith helmet jammed down on top of his hood so the hot breeze couldn't blow it away. "Strike out with your hate. Soon you will know the full horror of Disney!"

Maul, hunger sated, looked in the direction his master was pointing with his one free hand and went pale under his tattoo. He lunged for the edge of a nearby bridge, a desperate break for freedom, but Sidious caught the belt-loop of his jeans with one surprisingly powerful hooked finger and stopped him. "Oh, no you don't!" his Master cackled, mocking him. "Your effort has failed, and your fetish for Disney movies will not survive. Oh, I'm afraid you will be standing at my side when Mickey Mouse arrives!"

Maul whimpered as the grotesque costumed figures approached, making jolly gestures of greeting.

Sidious stood by, cackling, while Maul endured the horrors of being hugged by Mickey, sniffed by Meeko, goosed by Donald, jostled by Jafar, autographed by the Genie, and photographed with Pluto. He could sense his apprentice's rage growing by leaps and bounds, and he savored the thought of the bloodbath to come. Soon... Yes...

At last Maul broke free with a roar, throwing up his hand and summoning the Dark Side. The garishly costumed figures were swept across the bridge, through the railing, and thrown into the water. "DROWN!!! DROWN!!!!" Maul leaned over the edge of the shattered bridge, shaking his fist at the floating remains, screaming, and foaming at the mouth.

"Good! A true Sith's tolerance for cuteness should be nonexistent!" Sidious rubbed his palms together with glee. "I think it is time now for the Haunted Mansion." He dragged Maul away from the edge of the bridge and deeper into the park.

The crowd was definitely getting thicker, Maul realized when his blood pressure went down enough to permit coherent thought. And the day was getting hotter. He looked up at the few puffy white clouds in the sky. Not a chance of rain. Damn.

The crowd ground to a halt and Maul plucked irritably at Sidious's robe, whining. "Why have we stopped?"

"We're in line for the haunted mansion," Sidious cackled with glee. "Prepare to practice patience, apprentice."

"A true Sith's tolerance for patience should be nonexistent!" Maul mimicked his Master nastily and failed to duck the resulting Force-Slap on the head.

ONE HOUR LATER

Maul gripped his lightsaber so hard he left dents. The two six-year old brothers standing in line in front of him stomped his toe and banged against his leg for the umpteenth time. The line had moved all of twelve feet. One of the boys knocked over the flimsy restraining chain, and a bored castmember wandered over to right it again. Maul's fist caught in the collar of his shirt. "Bring me an iced beverage!" he growled, not even bothering to do the mind whammy. The pimply-faced boy gulped and scuttled away, returning promptly with pink lemonade. Maul tasted its sickly sweetness and grimaced, then upended the cup and drained it in one long draught. He crunched up a mouthful of ice and scrubbed his arm along his lips, baring his teeth in a sigh of satisfaction.

Suddenly his eye caught on the pimply-faced cast member. "WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?" Maul roared.

"One small lemonade, cup, and straw. That'll be twenty Republic credits, sir."

TWO HOURS LATER

Maul gave a mental sigh of relief as they rounded the first curve in the line and he and Sidious came under the flimsy shade of a decorative tree. A number of people had given up and left the line; Sidious refused to do so. He had also forcibly prevented Maul from interfering in the line's natural progress, stoutly maintaining that if Maul could stand Hayley Mills and Shirley Temple movies, a lousy line should be simple for him to conquer. Maul pointed out that conquering the line was what he WANTED to do.

Sidious merely shook his head and babbled on about subtle political means of domination and the value of knowing when to strike until Maul simply tuned him out. The Sith apprentice occupied his time focusing on the pleasant diversion of conjuring up possibilities regarding what the surgical team would probably have to do to remove his lemonade cup from the windpipe of the hapless cast member who had demanded 20 credits for it. The older boy directly in front of them dropped his outrageously expensive ice cream cone and began to cry. Maul smirked.

THREE HOURS LATER

Maul stood on tiptoe, trying to gauge the remaining length of line. The two brothers in front of him had been singing "It's a Small World After All" for the better part of the last century. One had spilled cherry Coke down the left leg of Maul's jeans, and now the Sith lord was being dive-bombed by hornets and wasps. The other had spent a few aeons trying to play ring-toss with a bent slurpee straw and Maul's horns. A baby was crying directly behind them, and the sun was broiling down on his shoulders with near-lethal intensity.

"Strike me down with all of your anger!" Sidious crooned at him, mocking. Maul gritted his teeth. Sidious was trying to get under his skin, that was all. He wouldn't give the fat old fart the pleasure.

FOUR HOURS LATER

At last. The line still wound its way toward the brick building, but Maul and Sidious were now in the last quarter of the distance, nearly in the home stretch. Things were moving faster now; they were even under a nice, shady awning. Maul limped on hot, aching feet, wishing futilely for a bench. Even Sidious' temper had worsened; the cast member hired to entertain the children in the line had refused to give him a Mickey sticker. Maul gloated with glee, sidling up to his Master so that the Goofy sticker he had obtained shone prominently from its place on the chest of his "Sith Lords Kick Ass" T-shirt. Sure, so the cast member had tried to paste it over the word "Ass." It had been a simple matter for Maul to peel it off and reattach it elsewhere.

"Have you been on this ride before, Master?" Sidious looked down at the wilting pith helmet, estimating the length of his Master's fuse. Probably not much left. He smirked.

"Yes, my young Apprentice! My own Master brought me here many years ago." Sidious mellowed out suddenly, cocking his head as he sensed the Force.

"Focus your rage, student. Reach out to the world around you."

Maul closed his eyes and settled into the Dark Side. He could see the despised presence moving forward like a candle flame against the roiling irritation of the Dark Side, as generated by the twenty or thirty thousand hot, fuming, miserable people jammed into the park. It was a Jedi, gently and tolerantly using the mind-whammy to cut in line.

Maul's eyes snapped open and he glared into the face of Qui-Gon Jinn. "Excuse me," the Jedi Master smiled. "I have friends at the head of the line." Maul suddenly realized the request was imminently reasonable and started to move aside. Sidious kicked him viciously. Howling and hopping in pain as he clutched his bruised shin, Maul nevertheless managed to shove an elbow into Qui-Gon's groin. The Jedi Master folded like a card table as the line swept forward.

In a fit of good humor inspired by Jedi-mangling, Sidious relented and let Maul force through to the head of the line, where Maul was swiftly whisked indoors, forced to leave Sidious in the next batch. Maul looked at the creepy surroundings and licked his lips with anticipation. This was going to be good. He climbed into his coffin-car with glee, sneering as he realized that it was Obi-Wan sitting next to him, whimpering with terror. Apparently that weakling Qui-Gon hadn't lied about trying to join his friends. Typical Jedi weakness.

"If I get really scared, will you hold my hand?" The Jedi apprentice begged.

"If you touch me, I will throw you out of the car and you really WILL be the one passenger who stays in here for all eternity!" Maul vowed. With a rattle, the car inclined and hauled them forwards into the dark.

They inched up a steep incline, and Obi-Wan shrank against Maul's side, terrified by rattling doors and scratchy soundtracks of malevolent laughter. Maul took it all in stride, deeply bored. Then the car leveled out, revealing a view down into a room filled with swirling blue ghosts.

Maul shrieked in sheer, abject terror. The Light Side! The dead Jedi Masters! THE HORROR!!!

"Oh, look! It's Master Drahan, and Master Buo--Hi guys!" Obi-Wan leaned out of the car to wave, beaming.

"Tell Yoda we said hi!" the dead Jedi circled around the car, greeting Obi-Wan with pleasure. Maul cowered, trying not to look conspicuous.

When he staggered out of the ride, his knees were shaking, and he collapsed on a nearby bench to wait for his Master. He was quite shocked when Sidious sauntered up not from within the ride, but from around the corner. "I got tired of waiting in line," the Dark Lord smirked. "Enjoy the ride?"

Maul ground his teeth so hard he heard a molar crack.

***

Three hours in line for the Peter Pan's Flight ride. Two for Snow White's Scary Adventures, which didn't scare Maul at all (except for the outfits the cast members had to wear). Four for the Skyway--Sidious insisted that they ride it six times; he'd developed a fancy for the handsome young cast member in Fantasyland who helped him fasten his seat belt. Maul occupied his time during the six rides trying to spit down young ladies' cleavage. His Master never seemed to tire, dragging Maul from line to line and shop to shop, lingering particularly long inside the Hall of Emperors in Republic Square, muttering something ominous about how they would soon need to add on an extra wing.

Tomorrowland was more Maul's style. Space Mountain was pretty good... since the line was 12 hours long, Sidious let Maul take them straight to the head of it immediately. Maul enjoyed sitting in his car while the roller-coaster zipped around, his lightsaber lit and brandished high in the air. He howled with glee. He rode six times in a row, using the Sith Mind Whammy on the cast members who tried to make him get off, and was only forced to disembark when several Disney Security goons arrived to look for the guy with the lightsaber-apparently he had really showed up on their surveillance cameras. Heading for the exit at last, Maul was in almost a good enough mood to buy himself a pair of the ridiculous mouse ears. By staying on Space Mountain longer than expected, he'd managed to lose his Master in the crowd at last!

His first choice was the Astro Orbiter, and he forced it to the highest pinnacle, steering with vigor. He couldn't overtake the cars ahead of him, though, which bummed him out after the rush of Space Mountain, so to compensate he immediately proceeded to the nearest vendor and went through the better part of his ice cream cart. He'd had the presence of mind to pick Obi-Wan's pocket on the Haunted Mansion ride, and he paid with the padawan's credit card when the wallet was empty of cash. On a whim, he also purchased the contents of the nearest large souvenir store and distributed them for free to everyone nearby who was willing to swear allegiance to the Dark Side.

Click to see larger image. Image courtesy of Crystal

When the store was cleaned out Maul went into the dressing room and changed into a pair of Hawaiian print bermudas and an Eeyore T-shirt he'd held back for himself. It felt good to get out of his coke-stained jeans. He threw them away, cramming his Sith Lords shirt into his new back pocket with Obi-Wan's wallet. It gave his magnificent ass a lopsided appearance, but what the hell... Maul was going all the way. He had not only bought a hat with ears, but it also had a battery-powered fan to keep his horns cool and comfy. Maul smeared purple zinc oxide onto his sunburned cheeks, covering up most of his tattoo, and shoved on an enormous pair of mirrored sunglasses with Goofy ears hanging from the earpieces. Excellent. Thus equipped, he spent a while examining his Disney map as he rode the Tomorrowland Transit Authority, getting set to venture out in search of some real entertainment. "Jungle Cruise" sounded like the best possible place to start.

Maul shoved his way through the line with some difficulty, disappointed to find that the "Cruise" would be taken on tiny chugging boats with red and white striped awnings, none of which had any bikini babes on it at all. However, this place was strong with the Dark Side. He could feel it. Maul observed the cast members carefully. Any one of the boat pilots would have been admirable Sith apprentices. Their reactions were finely honed, their tempers short, their commentary bitterly sarcastic. Stepping up to board a boat, he glanced into the water and drew back momentarily. It was insistently brown. He boarded the boat and sat down, glancing apprehensively at the water again. It hadn't changed, and it had an odd aroma. Hmmm. Maybe it was beer.

Scooping up a cupful, Maul took a cautious taste. Lousy, but better than Budweiser, and he was parched. He swigged it down and got some more. Looking up at the woman who was piloting his boat, he realized that she suddenly seemed quite attractive. If only she had horns... and why was the hideous fake scenery writhing like that? Oh, shit... the WATER...!

That was his last coherent thought for quite some time.

***

Ten hours later, Sidious found him sitting on the arch at the exit of "Pirates of the Caribbean," dead drunk, his shoes irrevocably lost, his arm wrapped around an animatronic sailor who'd been placed there to wave farewell to the guests. Maul was leering at the robot suggestively, apparently trying to pick the droid up. The battery in his fan was dead, his Eeyore shirt stained with a noxious brown liquid and an unidentifiable sugary substance, and he was starting to develop an alarming case of B.O.. In his wallet there was only Obi-Wan Kenobi's credit card, an empty foil condom wrapper, and a card reading "For a good time, call Jar Jar at Naboo 13298761239876-01286."

Sidious dragged him out into the glaring sunlight, which had at last begun to slant in from the horizon, its ferocious heat unrelenting. Maul dragged his sunglasses out of a pocket and fumbled them onto his red, black, and purple-streaked face. "Damn, how long is the diurnal cycle in this place, anyway?" he complained. "It's been the same day for at least thirty-three hours now."

"Night will fall soon," Palpatine promised. "You are allowing the forces of light to corrupt you, my apprentice, but they will not do so for long." His lips twisted upward with glee as he took Maul by one ear and hauled him directly toward "It's a Small World."

Maul spotted the silly little Jedi twit the moment they approached the ride, and was gratified to see that the same security officers who had missed him in Space Mountain had Obi-Wan by the scruff of the neck, dragging him forcibly from the exit of the line.

"But!" Obi-Wan whined. "You can't throw me out of the park just because we were necking in there! That ride's so cute I just couldn't stand to wait!!"

The Disney Security Goon lowered his walkie-talkie and addressed the cuffed padawan contemptuously. "It's not that, sir. It's the clean-cut rule."

"You don't mean his hair, do you?" Qui-Gon covered his impending smirk.

"No, sir, Mr. Jedi Master, sir." The guard shook his head respectfully.

"Well then, what if we agree to a bris in a back room of Adventure Land?"

"MASTER!" Obi-Wan was dragged away, wailing. Maul's leer widened until it nearly touched his earlobes.

They stood quietly, overlooking the peaceful waters, as the clock slowly creaked the hour round and the line moved forward. Maul shifted uneasily, the music starting to get to him. There was no way in nine Sith hells he was going to suggest cutting in line for THIS one.

Sidious smiled paternally at the little Rodian in front of them, who was twisting his Hunchback's head around and around in time with the perky song. "Excellent!" Palpatine crooned as the stuffing began to leak out and fall to the grubby concrete.

The little boy's younger sister wiped snot across from the right nostril to the left and addressed Maul. "Are you from a movie? Can I have your autograph?"

"Yes," Maul broke in before his Master could answer. "I'm the Incredible Mr. Limpet and he's the dad from The Three Lives of Thomasina." The little girl screamed and fled down to the front of the line, where the other children shoved her into the water for cutting.

They rounded the final turn and Maul was seized with a sudden phobia as he caught sight of the interior of the ride. "Master!" he whined. "Can't we skip this one? PLEASE???"

"No, my young apprentice! The entirety of today's lesson has been building to this climax!" Sidious twisted Maul's arm up behind his back and forced him into the queue for the next boat. "I'll teach YOU to like Disney!"

He shoved Maul into the ride, pausing to reassure the harried cast-member. "Cranky children," he explained. "You just have to teach 'em who's boss."

Darth Maul cringed, irrevocably committed to the ride. The boat surged forward into Hell.

IT'S A WORLD OF LAUGHTER

There they were. Little children. Smiling, singing, waving.

IT'S A WORLD OF TEARS

Maul spotted a smiling daisy. It nodded at him.

IT'S A WORLD OF HOPES

Oh, Sith. A happy sun. This was worse than he'd dared fear.

AND A WORLD OF FEARS

And there was a bunch of animatronic brats tending a window-box.

THERE'S SO MUCH THAT WE SHARE

ARGH!!! ESKIMOS!!! Done up in cute little fur parkas! With little squinch eyes!

THAT IT'S TIME WE'RE AWARE

And Spanish children, DANCING!

IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL!!!

The DOG... its TAIL... WAGGING IN TIME WITH THE MUSIC...

IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL

All the WAVING!!!! And the SMILING!!!! And the GLITTER!!!!

IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL

He glanced at Palpatine for support. His Master was tapping his toe and singing along!!!!

IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL

Maul swallowed thickly, terrified. NOT A SINGLE DARK ELEMENT SURVIVED IN HERE!!!!!!!!

IT'S A SMALL, SMALL WORLD!!!

Maul began to breathe easier. The song was winding down. It would all be over soon...

ESTA UN MUNDO DEL...

The song started again. Maul stood erect in the boat and threw his head back, screaming his defiance against the universe.

"AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

Forty verses and twelve languages later, Maul staggered out into the deep twilight, his Master humming that hideous, maddening, insipid tune at his side.

"SILENCE!" Maul bellowed, nearly stripping his vocal cords. Palpatine smirked, refusing to stop. That was it. Maul had to escape. NOW. He snatched Palpatine's cloak and started for the exit as hard as he could go. They made it to Main Street USA before the crowd packed in about them, forcing them to a standstill.

"What's this?" Maul rasped desperately.

"It's the closing show. There'll be music. Fireworks. Tinkerbell." Sidious informed him.

"TINKERBELL????"

"Just look." Sidious pointed upward.

Maul gazed up at the castle in despair, needing to disbelieve... but THERE SHE WAS, the little fairy was FLYING TOWARD HIM...Something deep inside Maul snapped.

"IT'S TIME TO REMEMBER THE MAGIC!!!!!!!!!" he screamed, vaulting a somersault onto a nearby lamp-post and letting fly with his lightsaber. The guy wire snapped, the dummy Tinkerbell falling into the castle moat. Maul threw back his head and bellowed insane laughter. He balanced easily on the lamp-post, fireworks exploding behind him in the night sky, and summoned purple lightning. ZAP! So much for Adventure Land... SIZZLE... that was Frontier Land... FRY... Goodbye, Republic Square! FWUMP, Mickey's Toontown Adventure went up in flames... KABOOM!!!! Tomorrowland was leveled. Maul spared Main Street USA, figuring that if it went, he'd never make it out himself.

"LEAVE!!! YOU WILL ALL GO HOME!!!" he commanded the dumbstruck crowd, and as one, they turned on their heels and started pushing their way from the park.

After an hour, they were nearly all gone except a few loiterers. The ground was littered with confetti, cigarette butts, gum wrappers. A few surviving cast members were staggering about operating street sweepers and closing storefronts. His Sith future sense told him that somehow, by morning the park would resume normal operations.

Darth Sidious approached the lamp post. "Get down from there," he ordered peremptorily, and Maul hopped down. "Put on some clothing becoming a Sith, for crying out loud," Sidious ordered testily. Maul shrugged out his Eeyore shirt and fished out his crumpled black tee. He wiped his face with Eeyore and threw his hat and sunglasses aside. Unfortunately, unless he wanted to go home half-naked, there was nothing that could yet be done about the loathsome Hawaiian print bermudas.

Sidious was gazing about the ruins of the park, a malevolent and approving smile on his face.

"Master," Maul ventured timidly. "This... this... evil empire.... is the ultimate a Sith could ever hope to attain. But how can it be that we do not own it?"

"Don't we?" Sidious cackled. "You have never asked about my teacher, my young apprentice, or my plans for the future of the Republic." Sidious leered at his student. "But in time the Republic will learn that Master Walt taught me well."

"So THAT'S why my Sith Lord paychecks are signed 'Michael Eisner!'" Maul gasped, stunned by the revelation. Palpatine just cackled and started for the car.

END

(6/9/99)

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