Darth Maul vs. Divine Oscillations
by Darth Ha'lo K'tee
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Inspired by Good Vibrations, Toys in Babeland, and the memory of a very dangerous boy who was convinced hot foods made him muy macho. Thanks to Siubhan, for giving my evil perversity a place to stay!

Maul growled menacingly as he dragged himself up from his twisted, horn-ripped bed sheets, which were so filthy you could hardly see the daisy motif (he'd stolen them from his idiot neighbors' laundry basket when he realized he no longer had any pillowcases without gaping holes in them). My Apprentice ignored the Sith's complaints and lifted an elegant white-socked paw in Maul's direction, and soon he was staggering sullenly towards the kitchen. He grabbed a can of Fancy Feast Bantha with Liver, cursed when the stupid pull-tab broke one of his best flesh-rending nails to the quick, and emptied the can into My Apprentice's dish (the only truly clean thing in the apartment).

As the cat abandoned herself to pleasure, Maul, preparing to do the same, headed for the pizza-box laden sofa and rooted around for the remote. He knew the damn thing was down in there somewhere... He felt something cold and hard. My Master's heart! I shall destroy it, and all will be MINE! No, it was the jar of Corellian jalapeño peppers he'd been snacking on last night while he played Darth Sid Meier's Hideous Violent Collapse of Civilization with Extra Destruction Module. Eating the fiery peppers was an idea he'd come up with all by himself, to hone his rage -- plus, they were really tasty, in a uniquely dark-sidish way, and he'd heard somewhere that chicks are impressed with guys who can eat hot foods. Unfortunately, the Sith had foolishly rubbed his eyes with pepper juice still on his hand, and ended up shrieking in agony. "I will deal with you LATER, traitorous plant life!" Maul hissed at the remaining peppers in the jar. His left eye still hurt, and he knew it was probably going to look funny all day.

Ah, there was the remote, under the "Sith Lords Kick Ass" needlepoint pillow Sidious had insisted he stitch to build his patience (and more rage -- These girly crafts are a lot harder than they look, Maul mused). He turned toward the TV, anticipating an afternoon of mindless entertainment -- then roared with rage as he saw the note his Master, Darth Sidious, had taped to the screen. "Gone to a Senate Decency Committee meeting. Please pick up the following items for me at 668 Coruscant Way." Maul scowled -- the address was in the Hipster District, just a few doors down from the Gray Side of the Force -- probably some adorable little boutique, probably picking up some kind of nauseatingly cute party favors as Senate bribes. He ripped the note from the screen and prepared to set it on fire with his focussed rage (something he'd seen done on the Arts and Entertainment channel the night before, and thought would be a really cool Sith trick). Then he noticed the items on the list, and brightened -- finally, his Master was sending him on a real errand, a SITH's errand!

- Leather flogger (ask at the counter -- I ordered this one specially)
- Nipple clamps
- Unflavored lubricant
- Butt plug (preferably black, but whatever looks really good)

A munitions shop, obviously! A particularly sordid munitions shop, the kind that sold torture implements -- just the sort of place he'd been looking for. Maul wasn't exactly sure what nipples clamps were, but he immediately began making a mental list of people he knew who badly needed flogging; that Twit Apprentice next door, for one. The Master must want to clean and oil his blaster with that lubricant -- Maul hadn't heard of FLAVORED gun oil before, but the place probably catered to Jedi, and they'd buy anything that smelled pretty or came in bright colors. As for the butt plug -- the Sith apprentice couldn't remember his Master's weapon having any place on the butt to plug things into, but maybe he hadn't been paying attention to that part. It must be some kind of accessory -- and when Maul rose up and slew Sidious, that blaster and any and all of its accessories would be his, all his! For once, an errand for Darth Sidious would be a pleasure to carry out.

Maul showered and dressed -- the painfully tight black leather pants this time, and the really scary boots, the better to impress these munitions dealers. He stuffed the note into his back pocket (it just fit) and headed out, as My Apprentice leapt onto the couch and started pawing at the remote. She gave a kittenish sigh as she anticipated an uninterrupted afternoon of watching Animal Galaxy. She nursed fantasies of making Fluffi-Wan, that overly-confident hamster next door, the star of the next episode of Vet Emergency Room...

Maul hoped nobody saw him get off the bus down the block from the address on his Master's shopping list. Nothing made a bad impression on munitions dealers like not having your own transportation, but he'd accumulated so many parking tickets on the Infiltrator that the local authorities had put the dreaded Coruscant Boot on it, and he wouldn't be driving until he could pay them all off. The Sith Apprentice swore to the Dark Side itself that once he had his vehicle freed from its bonds, he'd put a hologram of himself on the dash to whammy any meterdroids out of ticketing him. Maul had seen this done on an episode of The Dukes of Tatooine, so he knew it would work. He walked in as menacing a fashion as he could possibly manage in such tight pants (and it must have been really menacing, because from the corner of his eye he saw two waiters at the darling sidewalk café across from the Gray Side whispering and glancing in his direction) toward the address the note must refer to -- but could it be? He pulled out the note and looked at it, then looked at the storefront again. Sublime Oscillations? What kind of name was that for a weaponry shop? It sounded more like a place to get disco outfits, particularly considering the curly, almost feminine lettering on the door, not to mention the large Jedi Academy Discount decal on the front window. But the address was the same... either his Master had sent him on a wild Gungan chase, or these weapons dealers didn't want to draw too much attention to themselves. Maul, considering what Sidious was likely to do to him if he didn't complete this errand, decided to assume the latter, and warily pushed open the door to the little shop.

A little bell rang as he entered the store. It was tastefully lit, and a light scent of potpourri filled the air. As Maul gazed about, a hideously familiar, Muppet-like voice rang out from behind the counter.

"To Sublime Oscillations, you are welcome! Help you, may I, hmmmm?" Maul's eyes confirmed what his ears already knew -- sashaying out from behind the counter was the hideous, froggy little creature known to all on Coruscant as Master Yoda (except on karaoke nights, when he was better known as LaToya).

"What -- don't you work at WalMart?"

"Tired of that job I was, and piss-poor the pay. Good the economy is, and his own ticket a being with decent cash-handling skills can write!"

"Congratulate you I do on getting out of the discount-store rut." DAMN! That nasty little organism always got everyone talking like him. "My Master, Darth Sidious, has sent me on an errand to buy him certain implements of destruction. I believe his order has come in -- a leather flogger, he says here?"

"Ahhhh! Nice piece of handwork that is, straight from Naboo it was sent. A lot of twisted fucks those Nabooans, but fine leather goods they make. Many of their whips and floggers have I purchased lately, my employee discount thanks to!"

Is it as hard for him to structure his sentences that way as it is for me to figure out what the hell he's saying? Maul mused. "Let's see this flogger."

The squat, greenish Jedi Master raised his hand, and a box came floating from behind the counter. He opened it and pulled out the black leather implement. "Quite a welt on your ass this baby will raise, hmmm?" leered Yoda, waving the flogger and perking his great donkey-ears forward in interest.

Refer to my ass, will you? I'll launch you into orbit with my lightsaber as a retro-rocket, you creepy little... Maul caught himself before his rage erupted -- Yoda was a disgusting little toad, yes, but useful, especially if he was selling quality imported weapons. "Yes, yes, very good. My Master and I will humiliate our enemies prior to their slaughter!"

"Not very consensual does this sound!" scolded the tiny Master with a chuckle. "Your kink is not my kink, but a safeword I would recommend in such a scene! Anything else may I get you, hmmm? A sale we are having on certain anatomical adapters, the convenience of those who desire the physically incompatible for! Gungan to Corellian, a tasteful commitment gift could make!"

Utterly stumped by Yoda's grammar, Maul grunted. "Around I will just look." DAMN!

Never the Gungan to Corellian adapters will we unload! Yoda mused sourly. Miniscule the demand is!

The Sith Apprentice picked up a shopping basket and stalked around the cheerful, brightly-lit shop. What a load of exotic weapons -- why, he'd never seen anything like most of them, unless you counted his PlayStation's joystick! He picked up a particularly large, bright-red latex wand of some kind -- how you made the thing shoot he had no idea, but it certainly felt good in his hand! Perhaps it was more of a club? But a club made of rubber would be useless... maybe for interrogations? Unwilling to make himself look ignorant about the latest in weapons by asking Yoda about it, Maul was just setting the thing back down on the shelf when he heard another familiar voice, one that set his hideous teeth (among other things) on edge.

"Hi, neighbor!" Oh damn oh hell oh FORCE, Obi-Wan the Twit Apprentice himself was just down the aisle. The Padawan next door was wearing a sunny smile, an Imperial Public Radio T-shirt (absolutely free when you pledge $75 credits to "This Coruscan Life"!) and a pair of cut-off denim shorts that probably fit when he first came to the Jedi Temple. "I can't believe you caught me shopping here!"

"When you want a weapon, you go where the best are sold!" Maul growled, hoping to give the impression that he'd been in this place a thousand times.

Obi-Wan laughed and squeezed Maul's shoulder (inspiring a physical reaction the Sith Apprentice hoped wasn't too visible in his leather pants). "That's one way to put it, I guess! This is such a nice store, anyway. Not all dark and sordid like the places down in the Industrial District, and they have better merchandise here, too. I'm mostly just shopping for zines today, but who knows! What are you getting?"

"Just picking up a few things for my -- errrr, for ME, of course!" It wouldn't do for his neighbor to think he was just running an errand -- let Obi-Wan think he was stocking up on weapons of terror for himself! "What I really need is a... butt plug!" Maul quickly recalled the item on Sidious's shopping list.

"Really!" A blush crept over the Twit Apprentice's face (Maul fought down the unbidden thought that it looked awfully nice there). "Well, they've got plenty of them right over there. What kind are you going to get?"

Maul pondered the question. He had no idea, to be honest; the lava-lamp shaped gun accessories displayed on the closest shelf seemed to come in quite a wide range of sizes, not to mention colors. "I suppose I need one that corresponds to my Master's weapon."

"Well, that could be anything! How big is that, ahhh, weapon of his, anyway?"

"I've never actually MEASURED it. Why, how big is YOUR Master's weapon?"

Obi-Wan turned an alarming shade of red, and seemed actually to smirk (not something Maul had seen a Jedi do very often). "Oh, it's pretty big, believe me. He's actually sort of famous for it!"

"Really!" Why hadn't Maul heard about this formidable weapon? The Jedi Master's lightsaber looked pretty much the same as everyone else's. The only thing Qui-Gon Jinn was famous for, as far as Maul knew, was making a hell of a lot of noise when he visited his Padawan in the apartment next door.

"Oh, yes." Obi-Wan glanced down at the floor, smiling shyly and self-consciously twisting his rat-tail braid. "It's tremendous. In fact, the first time he showed it to me, not one day before my eighteenth birthday of course, I was so astonished that I fainted dead away! He had to strip me naked and sprinkle Rigellian rosewater all over me to revive me. I'm still a little afraid of it sometimes, even though I've handled it a million times by now. I can barely get my hand all the way around it."

DAMN! This Jedi brat hadn't even seen a weapon before he was eighteen? It's a miracle he has any idea what to do with one! "Well, I'm not sure Sidious's blaster is quite that size, but it's certainly impressive. He only has to take it out, and a lot of people are ready to surrender."

"Ooh, I can imagine. Of course, your lightsaber is nothing to sneeze at, believe me. And you really know how to use it, too!" Was that a flirtatious smile from the Twit Apprentice, or was Maul's imagination playing tricks?

"Well, I've been practicing with it for years, of course," the Sith boasted. "No one ever gets good with a 'saber unless they spend hours alone, learning exactly how to wield it. And someday, when I'm good enough, I'll rise up against my master and--"

And then he saw it, across the aisle of the shop, in what seemed like a place of honor on a lighted glass shelf. It was especially beautiful, with swirling streaks of red and black winding their way around a tall, proud shaft, a gently swelling head, and just enough of a curve to make things interesting. Maul knew he'd seen it before... It looked incredibly familiar, in fact. What exactly WAS that thing? From the front of the store, where Yoda was counting out his cash drawer, came a tiny tinkling sound as a penny dropped.

This wasn't a munitions shop. Oh, no. It wasn't a munitions shop at all. Maul seethed. DAMN that Sidious! He's sent me to... to... a sex toy boutique! The Sith's rage swelled at the humiliation of being sent on such an errand. I will strike him down and kill him and feed his extremities to My Apprentice in lieu of Pounce treats! (My Apprentice, back at the apartment and always attuned to the force, suddenly felt obliged to gag up a hairball; she restrained herself until she could find some clean laundry.)

"Look, this one is really pretty," interjected Obi-Wan, holding up a blue and white swirly-patterned butt plug. "It's not that big, but I bet the little bumps are a lot of fun--"

"Give me that!" roared Maul, determined to finish his hideous errand before anything worse happened. Dark Side only knows what Sidious will do to me if I don't complete this assignment. I could be coaching the Little Jedi Soccer Club or something. "And where are the nipple clamps, anyway?" At least they sounded painful; this might be something the Sith apprentice could enjoy picking out...

"Over here, by the handcuffs. You need to look out for these ones, though, they're AWFULLY pinchy!"

"I'll show you pinchy, you feeble excuse for a --"

"Is that a threat, or a promise?" murmured the Jedi apprentice, and bit his lip.

AAAUGH!!! Totally unacceptable ideas about testing out half the shop's stock on his neighbor came leaping up from Maul's brain like colorful poisonous frogs. I must get OUT of this place! He spied the last item on his shopping list on a nearby table: the lube. "How the hell am I supposed to know which kind to get, anyway?"

"Oh, Maul, it's nothing to stress about. As long as it's water-based, it'll work just fine with anything. And see? Some of it's flavored, so it's all yummy! And the wookieemint kind sort of tingles, if you know what I mean."

A hideous idea dawned on the Sith apprentice. "Tingles, huh? You like that?"

"Well, sure, sometimes." Again Obi-Wan looked shyly down at the floor, twisting his little braid; again Maul fought down inappropriate thoughts.

"Why don't I make you some up, special? You know I can cook, and I've got a lot of different flavorings at home in my kitchen."

"Wow, that would be so NICE of you, neighbor!"

"You could even pretend YOU made it, and give some to Qui-Gon as a present!"

"Oh, gosh, that would be SO cool! Oh, DO it!"

"Believe me, I will." Maul tossed a couple of bottles of HyperGlyde into his shopping basket and headed for the front counter. "An opaque bag, please, Yoda."

"Embarrassed you should not be. A natural part of life sex is, for most beings!"

Yeah, like you know anything about natural, you twisted little Muppet. Maul grunted, and handed over Sidious's plutonium Imperial Express card to pay for the whole mess.

"Neighbor, do you need a ride home?" called Obi-Wan as Maul headed for the door.

Maul shuddered. I can endure many things in the interest of honing my rage, but I WILL NOT be seen riding in a melon-pink Miata speeder with JEDI-TOY license plates! "No, I'm fine. I'll see you later with that special present!" He rushed out before he had to endure the sight of his neighbor waving bye-bye.

The public speeder trip home seemed to take forever; Maul was sure everyone could see exactly what he had in his shopping bag. Yoda might think sex was a natural part of life, but Yoda didn't know Maul's sex life. Thank all demons for that! If he couldn't figure it out himself, the last thing he wanted was the Jedi Master commenting on it in his fractured syntax.

Maul was relieved when he was safely inside his apartment, without the bag breaking or anything falling out and rolling down the aisle of the bus. Rummaging around in the cupboard, he found the juicer Sidious had given him when the Sith Master had tired of the stupid juice-diet fad. Now, where are those jalapeños?

An hour later, Sidious made his usual dramatic entrance; as usual, it was somewhat marred by My Apprentice's tripping him up. "Did you run that errand I asked you to?"

"Oh yes, Master. It was particularly humiliating. My rage is rising to a boiling point, and soon I shall be ready to strike you down and --"

"Never mind that right now. I'm late to a, uh, night meeting of the Senate Modesty Caucus. Just give me the things you bought and I'll be out of here!"

"My pleasure!" Maul handed him the implements of lust, which he'd transferred into a completely transparent plastic shopping bag for maximum impact. Sidious raced out the door. Like his ass was on fire. Just wait...

Five minutes later, a gentle knock alerted him to the fact that his neighbor was at the door. "Come in!" Maul sang out. "I've got a present for you!"

"Oh, yay! Thanks! You really are the nicest neighbor in the whole galaxy!"

"I worked really hard on this, now, so be sure you use it while it's fresh."

"Oh, we will, believe me." Another intensely pretty blush swept over the padawan's face. "What flavor is it, anyway?"

"That'll be a surprise! You're going to pretend you made it for him, right?"

"I don't know... Lying is just so totally against the Jedi code."

"But so is cheating at dice, and pretending to be 500 years old when you won't see 800 again, and whammying people for movie discounts, and I know Jedi who do things like that all the time. This is GOOD lying, LIGHT side lying. Think how happy you'll make Qui-Gon!"

"You're right, I guess."

"Don't you worry. Now you scoot home with this stuff and surprise him."

Obi-Wan smiled delightedly, snatched the little plastic bottle from his hand, and practically skipped out the door with it. "Thanks!"

Maul grinned evilly. This is going to be an interesting night he thought as he settled onto the sofa with his PlayStation, his faithful kitty, and the last remaining jalapeño. I'll give them about fifteen minutes...

"NOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!" Right on time, the almost inhuman shriek ripped through the wall separating the two apartments as if it were paper. "Noooo noooo noooo nooooo oh eeek NOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!"

Maul sighed contentedly. It doesn't get any better than this he thought, then corrected himself -- Oh, yes, it does! -- as an even louder shriek echoed in the distance from the direction of the Senate chambers.

END

(7/20/99)