The Darth Maul Halloween Special
by Anna Brogan
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Star Wars is Lucas's, The Sith Academy is Siubhan's, Maul is mine, oh wait, that was just a dream...
"Maul, what on Coruscant are you doing?" Darth Sidious stood halfway through Maul's door, his hand still on the knob, staring at his apprentice. His apprentice, who was kneeling on the floor, hitting himself repeatedly on the head with what appeared to be an ordinary 2x4. Wood chips were flying everywhere.
"I seeeee..." Sidious slowly came the rest of the way into Maul's apartment, ignoring the snarling take-out box that strained at the end of its leash. He wasn't sure whether to be impressed or disgusted. Before he could ask the obvious question, Maul spoke up.
"Every Friday you come in here (thwack! thwack! thwack!) and make me dress up like some boytoy. (thwack! thwack!) You send me out to hone my hatred (thwack!) and I end up in bed with my neighbor, drunk or not!!!" (thwack!thwack!Thwack! Thwack!)
The 2x4 snapped in half and Maul fell over backwards. Sidious regarded him for about a second before he burst out laughing. He cackled, he crowed, he guffawed, he slapped his knee, he pointed. Maul just lay on the floor, glaring up at the double image of his master. The double image finally stopped laughing and wiped its eyes.
"Oh, Maul, my life would be so humdrum without you in it." He tittered once more and shook his head. "But self-mutilation does not count in the honing department. And anyway, I wasn't going to send you anywhere. In fact I wasn't going to hone your hatred at all tonight. You deserve a break."
Maul stood up slowly. He looked over at My Apprentice. She was staring at Sidious with her tongue sticking out, seeming to have forgotten her hind leg, which was sticking straight up over her head in her favorite ballerina-with-dirty-butt pose.
My Apprentice, I'm having the weirdest dream... Maul thought to her.
She turned her ear his way without taking her eyes off the Sith Master. Me too... She answered without her usual sarcasm.
"No Maul, this isn't a dream. It's a holiday. The only real Sith holiday. It's Halloween. Ask the handbook." There was a riffle of agreement from the top of the bookshelf where the Handbook was hiding from the take-out box.
Maul hesitantly picked up the remaining piece of 2x4. He looked at the Handbook. He looked at his Master. Experimentally, he tapped himself on the head with the board. Yep, he felt it. It was not a dream.
"Umm, okay. So it's a holiday. Why didn't we celebrate it last year?" he asked.
"Oh, we did," Sidious answered, he bared his teeth in an evil grin. "You have merely... blocked it out."
Actually it wasn't that bad. In fact, as holidays go, this one was pretty cool. And if the rest of the world called it Halloween, and thought it was cute, so be it. Maul knew the truth. It was Sith Night. The object was to terrify the local children, to render them into quivering masses of submissive fear. This was, he thought, not for the first time, hot shit.
And his master left him alone.
"Oh I'm sure you can manage to frighten the kiddies on your own. Have a good time. There's a party at my place later of course, but until then you may wreak havoc as you see fit." With that he turned off his Happy Apprentice Warning Pager (Dartha Stewart Inc.), reversed his robes into Palpatine mode and left. Maul went shopping, dragging Obi-Wan along with him.
Walmart had been displaying Halloween merchandise since July of course, so the pickings were slim. Maul pushed his wobbly cart down the aisle buying as much chocolate as the cart could handle.
And its all for the kids right? came a sly feline voice in his head.
Shut up My Apprentice!
Make me, you fat cow. And get me some tuna!
Maul scowled as he reversed direction. But he didn't put back the chocolate covered peanut butter pumpkins.
"You know, Maul if you really want to get these kids going..." Obi-Wan said, sauntering up and dropping a six pack of Guinness into the cart. "you should give them chocolate covered espresso beans."
Maul grinned and pushed the cart to the gourmet aisle.
He and Obi-Wan were loading his cart with the beans when the padawan was suddenly smacked in the ankles by another cart.
"Oops! Oh, hi Obi-Wan! Sorry about your ankles."
"Who are you?" Maul asked. Obi-Wan sneered.
"Maul, let me introduce you. This is Jon-Tra Vol-Ta. He's Mace Windu's padawan. He lives down the hall from us. He's a 'friend' of Qui-Gon's." Maul shuddered. Jon-Tra blushed.
"Jealous?" he returned, batting his eyelashes.
Obi-Wan burst out laughing and gestured at Maul. "Ya think? Shite boy, do the comparison!" he sneered, winking at Maul who puffed out his chest. The tiny voice in his head stood up to state the obvious but as it opened its mouth, Maul whipped out a fly swatter and beat it back into its corner. He made himself breathe normally. Jon-Tra glared then glanced into the cart. He gasped.
"You're not going to give THOSE away for trick or treat are you?" Jon-Tra's voice rose into canines-only range. Maul winced.
"What is wrong with chocolate covered espresso beans?" he demanded. Jon-Tra shook his head prettily, tossing his braid. The bow in it was black and orange. Of course.
"They're terrible for children! You should do what I'm doing! I'm giving out organic granola bars and environmental awareness pamphlets."
Of course you are... Maul thought. And how typically Jedi to ruin a good holiday.
"That way, kids can lower their cholesterol while learning how to save our precious natural resources!"
Where do they find these guys? Maul thought to himself as Jon-Tra prattled on about rain forests and spotted Ewoks.
"Yes, yes, Jon, that's very nice. You're not going to Sidi-I mean, Palpatine's party tonight with Windu are you?" Maul asked. Anything to change the subject from Save the Lichen. Obi-Wan had resumed putting the beans into the cart.
"Maybe... Or Qui-Gon was going to take me trick or treating." Jon-Tra Vol-Ta giggled with a witchy look at Obi-Wan.
You mean turning tricks and treating Jedi Council members... Obi-Wan broadcasted on the All Force Mental Net. Maul snorted with laughter and steered the cart around the fuming Padawan.
"Bitch," he said affectionately.
"He was asking for it."
Maul checked himself out in the mirror one last time. After dropping off Obi-Wan he had put on his whole uniform and warmed up the Glare. He turned around and surveyed his apartment. Yes, it was suitably scary. In other words he had left it exactly as it was. Instead of a pumpkin in the window, he had a humanoid skull with the word 'Jedi' scrawled on its forehead in ketchup. He had given the take-out box a spiked collar with a tag that said "Dirk Syde". The thing had been alive long enough Maul felt it deserved a name.
Oh, yeah, especially one that sounds like something from This Is Spinal Tap! My Apprentice sneered. Maul ignored her. Everything was ready. Almost.
My Apprentice was now curled on her back, playing with a piece of string. She was chirping and purring and rolling around. It was, in fact, her cutest, most un-Halloween pose.
Stop that! You are supposed to be a really scary Sith cat! Maul growled.
She fluttered her eyelashes at him. Tuna.
The doorbell rang.
My Apprentice, stop that!
She put on her best Hallmark kitten face.
"Fine. Fine! Let me get the door!" he snarled.
"Trick or treat!"
"Diiiiiie!!!" Maul roared as he tore open the door. He activated his lightsaber and turned up the Glare. My Apprentice hissed and arched her back for effect. The take out box growled and frothed.
The small boy in the Power Rangers costume blinked.
"Oh, that is SO lame." He declared.
"GRRROOOOAAWWWRRRRR!!!" Maul tried again, showing as much of his chocolate covered teeth as possible. My Apprentice tried a more open-mouthed hiss, adding the Breath O' Death for good measure. Dirk howled and snapped his little cardboard lid as threateningly as he could.
"Whatever. Do you at least have any candy?" the kid yawned. Maul lowered his saber and looked at My Apprentice who shrugged. The take-out box sat back on his haunches, panting. Without a word Maul handed the boy a bag of espresso beans.
"Happy Halloween!" the boy called and scampered off next door.
"What just happened?" Maul demanded of the room. My Apprentice began bathing, ignoring the question. Dirk just lay down and whined.
The doorbell rang again.
"OK, one more time. Maybe the Glare wasn't warmed up enough." Maul said. He focused on thoughts of his Master until he felt sparks coming out of his eyes. The Glare was ON. My Apprentice put on her best Midnight Crazies face. Dirk made his metal handle stick straight up.
"DIIIIIIIIE!!!!" Maul roared again, this time actually slashing out with his lightsaber, cutting a hole in the door. Dirk foamed nicely. My Apprentice let out her best Super Yowl of Imminent Death.
"Oh brother..." The little girl said. She had flaming red hair and was dressed like a princess, right down to the cinnamon bun hairdo. "Was that the best you could do? Hasn't anyone told you the Sith have been extinct for a millennia? Give me some candy you loser! Even Yoda is scarier than that!"
"Well, I just don't think a pink leather corset would fit me!" Maul shouted. He threw her a bag of beans and slammed the door shut. Fuming, he threw himself onto the couch. Dirk whimpered and lay down in the corner. My Apprentice sighed and tried to remind Maul about the tuna.
"Not now My Apprentice, can't you see I'm upset?" Maul snapped.
See? Yes. Care? No. Tuna. Now.
Maul got up and fetched her a can.
Your problem is the media. TV, video games, the news... My Apprentice said between mouthfuls.
"What are you talking about?"
All these kids are numb to horror. What's so scary about you compared to say, The Dagobah Chainsaw Massacre? Or Jedi Roadkill? Or Nabooan supremacists dragging hapless Gungans to death behind their speeders? Let's face it. The fear element of Halloween with its witches and spirits and Sith (oh my!) has been superseded by the daily horror of children's lives. You may some day oppress the galaxy but what is that to someone who might be blown away in elementary school? Face it--you just aren't that scary. My Apprentice, Social Activist, continued. Maul was about to reduce her to vapor when he paused and shrugged uncomfortably.
"You're right. Nothing would scare those kids." He sighed, leaning back in the couch.
True to a good plot, JUST THEN the would-be scary folk heard a commotion from down the hall. Maul leapt to his feet, a wide grin on his face.
"I hear children crying!!" The two and a half Sith leapt out the door, heading for the sound of the cries. Halfway down the hall, the Princess and the Power Ranger were crying their eyes out. As soon as they saw Maul they ran and hid their faces in his cloak. Maul looked up. It was only Jon-Tra, and he was dressed like a...
Dirk ran back to their apartment yipping in fear. My Apprentice just laughed. Sat right down and laughed. Maul was trying not to be sick. Just then he heard footsteps behind him.
"Obi-Wan! Check out my costume!"
"You're a-" Obi-Wan gulped.
"I'm a FAIRY!!"
"Well, yes, of course you are..." Maul said trying not to look at his leotard. It just made his back look even hairier.
My Apprentice, I'm having this terrible dream...
"He tried to EDUCATE us!!" howled the little boy through his tears.
"He gave us things to READ!!" the little princess joined in, glaring at Jon-Tra accusingly.
They both burst into a new bout of tears. Maul felt, well, a little sympathetic. Obi-Wan was grinning like he saw a joke nobody else saw. Hastily Jon-Tra hid the granola bars behind his back.
"OK, OK, just don't tell your Dad! Obi-Wan, will you give them some more candy?" Jon-Tra asked then beat a hasty retreat into his apartment. Maul frowned.
"Who exactly is your father anyway?" he asked. Obi-Wan shook his head, he knew...
"MY daddy is Supreme Chancellor of the Republic. So there." The boy said, sticking out his tongue. Maul grinned at Obi-Wan who shook his head.
"I dunno Maul, that sounds like a route to the Farm..." he said. Maul shrugged.
"I'll do it. It's on me." Obi-Wan shrugged and Maul went to get the rest of the espresso beans.
A few hours later Maul was chilling at his Master's residence. He had a glass of scotch on ice and was feeling pretty good. It was a little trippy to be in uniform in public, but not as trippy as seeing his Master in full Darth Sidious mode, also in public. Mace Windu sauntered up. He was wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase. He had this greasy curly-haired wig on and had been making some speech about furious anger half the night. Now he sidled up to Sidious.
"How cute! You two match! What are you supposed to be?" he asked Sidious who bared his teeth.
"I am Fear, I am Death, I am Sith and your imminent doom, Jedi scum." He snarled. Windu burst out laughing.
"Wow, that's great! It's so real, you almost look like a real Sith!" All the other guests laughed except Yoda who frowned thoughtfully in his ladybug costume. He had a strange moment of sobriety... and a bad feeling about this.
"Chancellor Valorum so sorry you can't stay. So many of your supporters were counting on your presence." Sidious was trying hard not to laugh.
"Senator Palpatine I'm sorry. I have to get these kids home. They're-" Valorum looked frazzled, his hair was sticking up all over and he had dark rings under his eyes, visible even through his Tatooine Moisture Farmer costume. He left, dragged away by his vibrating children.
Someone sidled up to Maul and he felt a hand slip around his waist.
"What will you give me not to tell the good man it was you who fired up his kids?" a soft voice whispered in his ear.
"Obi-Wan, you do that and I'll tell him the whole thing was your idea." Maul snarled. He looked over at his neighbor.
"Do you like my costume?"
"What are you?" Maul asked. Was the boy taking those pills again? The padawan had on a fake gray beard and was dressed like a Jedi, a decidedly scruffy Jedi. He hadn't seen him in regulation uniform in ages.
"I'm a hermit!" Obi-Wan said, grinning. "A Jedi hermit who's been hiding somewhere sandy."
"Okay, and this came from..."
"Dunno, it just sort of came to me." Obi-Wan shrugged. Maul grinned.
"Is that what you want to be when you grow up? A hermit?" he asked. Obi-Wan gave him a flat look.
"And give up clubbing? I'd rather have my own padawan turn to the dark side and murder me!" he sneered. Long ago (1977) in a galaxy far, far away George Lucas suddenly sat up and began typing excitedly at his computer.
Maul shook his head.
"Did you know Halloween is actually a leftover from when the Sith last conquered the galaxy?" Obi-Wan continued, popping a candy corn in his mouth. Maul froze and tried to act casual.
"You wouldn't think so to look at the Council. They seen pretty into it" He said by way of diversion. "And what is Qui-Gon wearing anyway?" he asked. Obi-Wan shrugged.
"He's a pansy."
"Well, yes but... Wait. What?"
"A flower. He told me."
"Okay, see now that is actually very funny." Maul laughed and tossed back his shot. He indicated the door.
"Let's go to the Gray Side. It's Friday."
"Never mind." Obi-Wan said, "Lead the way."
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