Lysithistrata
by Katherine the Art Chick and Darth Ha'lo K'tee
artchick@geocities.com, [No valid email address]

Disclaimer: Those Star Wars people belong to Lucasfilm. No copyright infringement intended. This story © (copyright) Katherine the Art Chick and Darth Ha'lo K'tee, 1999.

Thank you to Joan, Brian, Laura, and Siubhan for the betas.

"Hey, Obi-Wan! Over here!" Obi-Wan blushed furiously. First Maul was catching him shopping at Divine Oscillations, and then his sister. She was sure wearing a lot of leather lately, he noticed. "Damn, Obi," Mary Sue observed, looking her brother up and down and squashing thoughts unsuitable to a sibling, "isn't there an ordinance against shorts that short?" He blushed harder.

"Everyone's been catching me shopping here lately. Not that I'm planning on staying away," Obi-Wan said, shyly glancing up through strawberry-blonde lashes.

"Well, I'm glad I did, because I need your advice," Mary Sue said. She indicated a row of dildos. "See, I was wanting to use one of these on our common boy toy, but I was uncertain about his size preferences." She glanced down at the floor to see what her brother was finding so compelling, then continued. "Maybe if you just pick one out that's about your size... I mean, he can take that, right?"

"Ummmm," Obi-Wan said, staring at the floor and toying nervously with his braid.

"Awww, don't be shy, Obi... help out your sister," Mary Sue coaxed, encouragingly.

Blushing furiously, he looked at the row of toys. He bit his lip and pointed quickly at one.

"Wow, that's pretty big," Mary Sue observed. Obi-Wan stubbed his toe into the carpet, staring at the floor, and wondered if there was such a thing as lethal blushing. "Does he have any trouble handling that?"

"Well," he said, glancing up shyly, then quickly dropping his eyes again, "he did make some funny noises, but I don't think he exactly COMPLAINED..."

"But, Obi, you DID take a while to get him ready, right? Tongue and fingers and that kind of thing? You didn't just -- "

"Augh! Squick! Teminal embarrassment!" he exclaimed, hiding his face against a shelf. He beat his head against the shelving for a second, then looked up. "Sorry. It's that whole play-by-play-to-my-sister thing."

Mary Sue rolled her eyes. "You men are sooooo squeamish! Sometimes a girl needs to swap tips with her buds, you know?"

"Yeah, but..." he looked down at the floor again, blushing and squirming, "...you're my SISTER."

"I just want to know from your experience whether our shared boytoy can comfortably handle a certain diameter, that's all." She patted his shoulder reassuringly, and noticed that his blush was really just dangerously cute.

"He seemed comfortable to me..." Obi-Wan said, with a slight smirk. Mary Sue felt some evil big sister urge come over her...

"You know, I'm not so sure comfortable is exactly the right word here..."

"Mary Sue!!!!!" Obi-Wan exclaimed, burying his face in the shelving again.

"Okay, okay." She patted him on the shoulder again. "Sorry. I couldn't resist."

"That's okay," he said. "Ordinarily I wouldn't tell anyone these things. You know that, right?" She nodded. "You know I only tell you these things 'cause you're the only one I can really TALK to. Actually, I think you're the only one who actually looks at my FACE when I'm talking..." He sighed pitifully. Mary Sue sighed angrily.

"Gee, maybe I should buy an uncomfortable size for Maul."

"I don't mean him. Well, okay, he does it, too, but..." his lower lip trembled, and he sniffled, "I expect better from... oh, never mind."

"Do I need to kick Qui-Gon's ass?" Mary Sue grumbled.

"Please don't. I LOVE Qui-Gon." Mary Sue tried to resist the big blue puppy dog eyes her brother was shamelessly nailing her with, failed, and sighed again.

"Gee, Divine Oscillations doesn't have a punching bag, does it?" she grumbled. "Look, men are like puppies... no offense," she added, as Obi-Wan looked up at her, startled. "I just mean, you can't give them positive reinforcement for bad behavior. And their favorite positive reinforcement is the old joystick. No nicey, no nookie." She smirked evilly. He sniffled hopefully.

"You think that would work?"

She grinned evilly. "It works for me."

He sighed sadly. "I don't know if I can hold out. I love sleeping with Qui-Gon."

"So, buy yourself a nice dildo about his size for the siege."

"I don't think they make them that big..."

After a moment's respectful silence, Mary Sue suggested, "So, we'll go to a lumberyard and get you a big thick log."

"Mary Sue!" If there WAS such a thing as dying of embarassment, he figured that he would expire at any moment. She laughed and hugged him, and kissed his cheek.

"Help you I can, hmmm?" Mary Sue and Obi-Wan looked down at the source of the voice. Was it her imagination, Mary Sue wondered, or did the counter gnome have a suspicious edge to his voice?

"Oh, no thank you, Master Yoda," Obi-Wan said, blushing. "We're fine." Mary Sue plucked the dildo off the shelf and grinned at her brother.

"What else do I need?" she asked.

"Got any lube?" he asked.

"Yes, but I could get some more..."

Yoda shook his head disapprovingly. He wondered if Qui-Gon knew about this.

***

Qui-Gon was writing up the final papers for the rebuilding of the temple when Yoda came in and smacked his leg with his staff. "Your padawan I saw today. In Divine Oscillations, with a GIRL, he was!"

"Obi-Wan?"

"Thought I did that you knew not! Much hugging and kissing and teasing I saw! Much blushing I sensed!" Yoda poked Qui-Gon with his staff. "Dildo and harness and lube, they bought!"

"But Obi-Wan doesn't like girls!" Qui-Gon exclaimed.

"Mind your padawan, or seduced to the heterosexual side of the Force he will be!" Yoda said. "Special bond between them I sensed. My finger upon it I cannot put, but feared at once she would steal him from you I did."

"I have a dinner date with him tonight," Qui-Gon said. "I'll talk to him."

"Do that you should!" Yoda said, and left.

***

"Hi, Master!" Obi-Wan chirped, hugging Qui-Gon. "Dinner's almost ready..." He trailed off when he realized that Qui-Gon felt stiff and angry in his arms, and looked up in confusion.

"I hear you're... expanding your tastes," Qui-Gon said, cautiously.

"Huh?" Obi-Wan asked.

"Master Yoda saw you and some girl buying a dildo today."

"That's no girl, that's my..."

"Oh, don't bother to lie to me, Obi-Wan. Did you think Master Yoda would keep your secret for you?"

"First of all, there's no secret. Second of all, even if I WAS seeing someone what do you care? We're not exclusive, and it's not like you're not off with Master Windu and Senator Palpatine--MY FATHER--all the time..."

"Padawan..." Qui-Gon rumbled threateningly.

"Not that it's any of your business, but I'm not sleeping with her. I don't like girls, and even if I did I wouldn't..."

"You expect me to believe that?" Qui-Gon interrupted. Obi-Wan went into a world-class sulk.

"Believe what you want," he pouted. "Would you like me to pack up some dinner for you to take with you?" he asked, pointedly.

"No!" Qui-Gon yelled, the antithesis of Jedi serenity. "Feed it to your girlfriend!"

"If you don't believe me when I say you have nothing to be jealous about, well..." Obi-Wan sighed sadly. "I don't think I can sleep with someone who thinks I lie to them."

"Why don't you just admit that you've gone straight?" Qui-Gon snapped.

"Because I haven't. But I am going to go get my neighbor Maul and feed him YOUR share of dinner and then FUCK HIS BRAINS OUT!" Obi-Wan regretted losing his cool there at the end, but it had felt so good...

"Whatever," Qui-Gon said coldly, and stormed out.

Yeah, whatever. Obi-Wan went next door and knocked.

***

Maul was close. He could feel it in his fingernails and toes. He was playing his best "Jedi Tomb Raider 13, the Swimsuit Edition" game ever, and would have this game licked... so to speak... in no time.

He ignored one knock. He ignored another, louder knock. "Maul?" Kenobi's voice called, as he knocked even louder... NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! So much for Darth Lara.

"WHAT?" Maul snarled as he flung the door open.

"I had a fight with Qui-Gon, and now have some dinner that needs to be eaten. Of course, I thought of my favorite neighbor..."

"Go away," Maul snarled. He started to slam the door in the padawan's face. Obi-Wan stuck his foot in the door.

"'No thank you, I'm not hungry' would suffice," Obi-Wan complained.

"Didn't I tell you to leave?" Maul frothed.

"I shouldn't have come," Obi-Wan said. "I'm in no mood to put up with your being a wanker. Talk to you later." He left, slamming both Maul's door and his own behind him.

Damn, Maul thought. Who gave Kenobi the spine transplant? Curiously, he went next door and knocked. Obi-Wan answered the door with an air of annoyance.

"You said something about food?" Maul asked. It smelled pretty good, and grumpy-one Kenobi was hot.

"Sure," Obi-Wan said, rudely. His lips said sure, but his eyes said fuck off and die. "Get it out of the oven. Help yourself."

"Wanna fuck?" Maul asked.

"No, I'm on strike," Obi-Wan said pleasantly. "And I'm up here. Help yourself to dinner, but neither you nor Qui-Gon are getting any out of me until you apologize."

"Me? Apologize? NEVER!"

"Yeah, whatever. Do you want dinner or not?"

Well, this was an unexpected turn of events. The twit sounded like he meant it! Not that Maul thought he could do it; the padawan was a little perpetual boink machine. Not that Maul would be that put out if he COULD; after all, he still had Mary Sue. But he kind of admired the determination in the padawan's voice.

"Sure," he said.

***

Well, Maul thought to himself, that was annoying. Obi-Wan had sat sulkily on the couch watching him eat a plate of lasagne, drinking beer and scowling. Any attempt at seduction was coldly frozen out. Which was really a shame, because Maul liked Kenobi better with a spine--except for the not getting him into bed part, of course. So Maul had eaten his plate of food and returned alone and unlaid to his apartment.

He fired up Jedi Tomb Raider 13 again. He still had Darth Lara. Heck, he still had Darth Mary Sue. Maybe after a few games he would show up at her place and ask her if she wanted to fuck. Yeah. After a few games, to unwind.

He heard Kenobi leaving his apartment and smirked. Probably going out to the Grey Side of the Force to get laid. Probably if he showed up later when the padawan was really drunk he'd end up waking up in his bed tomorrow morning. But perhaps he should go to Mary Sue's instead. Aw, screw it, he'd decide after the game.

***

After whammying the door man, Maul found himself outside Mary Sue's apartment. He knocked loudly, to drown out the loud television he heard inside.

Mary Sue opened the door. She was wearing an oversized "Callisto, Warrior Queen" t-shirt and nothing else, from the looks of it. "Hey, bro! look what the cat dragged in!" she announced.

Obi-Wan wandered into view, wearing cutoffs, his "Jedi Academy Phys Ed Department" sweatshirt, and bare feet, holding a bowl of popcorn. He threw a handful at Maul, saying, "Boo, hiss." Mary Sue giggled.

Maul peeked inside the apartment wondering what alternate universe this was. An empty lasagne dish sat on the coffee table with several empty plates and a large, half-eaten dish of Godiva chocolates. "Pretty Woman" was blaring on Mary Sue's big screen TV.

"Oh, that's so sad!" Obi-Wan exclaimed sarcastically. "They won't let her shop!" He threw another handful of popcorn at the screen.

"You stole that line from Romy and Michelle," Maul grumbled.

"You got a problem with that?" Mary Sue asked, getting in Maul's face. Maul blinked.

"Wanna fuck?" he asked.

"No," Mary Sue said, "I don't cross picket lines. At least, not when my brother is the picketer. I guess you'll have to do without." Obi-Wan giggled.

"You tell him, sis!" he cheered. "Awwww, they won't let her shop! Boo hoo! I smell Pathos!" He threw another handful of popcorn at the screen. "Nothing like the smell of Frying Pathos!"

"Hey, save some popcorn for me!" she said. "We have to pelt Richard Gere but good when he gives her his I-never-treated-you-like-a-hooker speech." She looked Maul up and down. "You're still here." He snarled. "Come back sometime when I don't have plans already." She slammed the door in his face.

Maul stared at the door and felt his rage building. It felt good. Seething, he knocked again.

Mary Sue opened the door. "Go away! This is girls' night out!"

"So to speak," Obi-Wan said. "But yeah. You're the enemy. All boyfriends are the enemy. No enemy allowed. How are we supposed to plot against you if you hang around?" Another handful of popcorn struck Maul in the face. He growled.

"I'm not your boyfriend!" Maul snarled. Obi-Wan sighed.

"I rest my case," Obi-Wan grumbled.

"It's just sex!" Maul protested lamely.

"Whatever!" Obi-Wan snapped, flopping down on the couch and staring fixedly at "Pretty Woman."

"My feelings exactly! It's just sex!" Mary Sue announced cheerily. Maul scowled--he preferred to think of Mary Sue as his girlfriend. "So since we're just your casual sex partners, and therefore interchangeable with any other casual sex partners, why don't you just go to the Grey Side and get laid?" Mary Sue suggested. "Do you not think you can get lucky?"

"I can get lucky at the Grey Side of the Force any time I like!" Maul announced.

"Prove it. Go do it." Then she slammed the door in his face again.

Maul considered breaking the door down and killing both of them, but then whom would he screw? One of those losers at the Grey Side of the Force? He thought not. Damn. Grumbling obscenities, he left.

***

Maul downed another Hamster Death Gulp and looked around the Grey Side of the Force. Ugh. They were all so unworthy of his bed. He was a Sithlord, dammit! he could do better than this crowd of pathetic geeks...

"Where's your boyfriend?" the bartender asked.

"He's not my boyfriend," Maul snapped.

"Oh, no! you two broke up? But you're so cute together!" Maul gave the man The Glare, then looked for somewhere else to sit.

Qui-Gon? Alone? Sulking at a table by himself? Where was Maaaaaace Winduhoohoo, as Kenobi usually pronounced it? Maul couldn't resist.

"Where's your boyfriend?" Maul asked, sitting down at Qui-Gon's table.

"Go away," Qui-Gon sulked. Maul felt a sudden surge of rage.

"This is your fault!" he snarled. Qui-Gon looked up, surprised. "He's not even mad at me, but I have to suffer for it!"

"You're saying you think I drove him to it?" Qui-Gon asked, radiating hurt. "You may be right." He sniffled into his sarlacc pit. "I could be nicer to him. I just never thought he would..." He put his head down on the table and sobbed. Maul scratched a horn, but soaked up the Jedi Master's misery anyway.

"After that Happy Farms incident you had this coming," Maul accused, and was rewarded with a delicious wave of misery. "Not to mention his birthday. Did you think he didn't know you were spending it with his brother?" Oh, the guilt! the despair! It was better than sex! Qui-Gon sobbed hysterically into the table. Maul looked up and saw Mace Windu and that horrid little green gnome Yoda entering the club. Yoda was wearing a corset and boots and lipstick? Maul shuddered.

"I'm sorry!" Qui-Gon sobbed.

"Looks like your other boyfriend and that horrid little muppet have arrived. Maybe you should tell them all about it. They might actually care," and left, hoping to avoid Yoda hitting on him again.

***

Maul was awakened by his phone ringing. "Hello?" he croaked.

"Hi, Maul," Obi-Wan's voice purred seductively. "What are you wearing?"

"Just my boxers," Maul mumbled sleepily, half-awake.

"I'm not wearing anything at all," the padawan purred. Maul found himself slightly more awake. "I slipped off into my sister's bathroom for a wank and was wondering if you wanted to join me."

"Uh, sure," Maul said, now thoroughly awake.

"Too bad," Obi-Wan giggled, and hung up.

Okay, that did it. Hot lay or not, Kenobi had to die. He slowly crushed the phone with his bare hands in frustration.

***

"That was fun!" Obi-Wan told Mary Sue, giggling.

"You need to torture Qui-Gon more," she smirked. "That's why I had you warm up on Maul. Try to keep him horny and on the line for as long as you can before hanging up on him."

"I'll do my best," he smirked, and dialed his cellphone. Mary Sue ate another chocolate-covered strawberry.

***

"Hello?"

"Oh, Master Qui-Gon, I miss you so much! How can I start the day without the special way you usually wake me up? Do you know what I'm wearing?"

"Why don't you be a good little padawan and tell me?" Qui-Gon asked hopefully. Maybe he DOES still want me, he thought.

"Just that green silk g-string you bought me that you seem so fond of. But hearing your voice it just doesn't seem to fit very well. It's getting kind of, well, tight... Maybe I should take it off." Qui-Gon's only answer was heavy breathing. "Do you think I should take it off, Master?"

"That sounds like it might be a good idea," Qui-Gon said hoarsely.

After a pause, Obi-Wan continued, "That's much more comfortable. What are you wearing, Master?"

"The usual..."

"Far too much!" Obi-Wan exclaimed. "Maybe you should lock the office door and, you know, take care of that little problem..."

"Obi-Wan..." Qui-Gon growled.

"No? Then maybe you have some special orders for me, after all, I AM your padawan..."

"It sounds to me like you have something in mind..."

"Well, I was just lying here all alone missing you, and looking at the footlocker at the foot of my bed..." Qui-Gon gasped. Obi-Wan grinned evilly, and continued, "I just thought that if you weren't here to fuck me, maybe I should, you know, do it myself... wanna listen?"

"Yes," Qui-Gon breathed.

"Too bad," Obi-Wan said, and hung up.

Qui-Gon slowly beat his head on his desk. Bad padawan! Very bad!

***

Maul, back at the Grey Side of the Force, horny, unlaid, and on the prowl AGAIN, looked around and sighed. Sure, he was horny. Sure, he needed to get laid. But they were all so UNWORTHY. The pathetic geeks prowling the Grey Side all ran together in his mind, much like the nights he had spent prowling here alone. At least Qui-Gon looked like shit, he comforted himself. The Jedi was pale, and his eyes were red and sunken. Mace Windu was patting him on the shoulder comfortingly, but also looking boredly around the bar. An evil thought struck Maul, and he gave Windu a "come hither" look. Windu immediately came to the bar and ordered more drinks while casting Maul a sidelong "come hither" look of his own.

"Maybe you should ditch your weepy friend and take me back to your place," Maul suggested. He pondered with glee how much this would vex Qui-Gon.

"If only I could," Windu said. "He's having a rough time. Give me your phone number?"

Phone number, shmone number. How was Qui-Gon supposed to find out about that and be vexed? "How about a quickie in the men's room?" Maul suggested. Windu licked his lips and looked around. Qui-Gon had noticed them, and was giving them a dirty look. Windu wondered if he could get away with it.

"Come on, you know you want it," Maul said.

"Yeah, I know I do. If I hang out with my pal over there all night I'm sure not getting any--he's too depressed." He looked at Maul, who hid his glee at the news that Qui-Gon was too despondent to screw behind a leer, and the men's room door, and visibly wavered for a few seconds, then sighed.

"I can't," Windu said wistfully. He looked Maul up and down appraisingly, and purred, "Maybe if I'm lucky you'll give me a raincheck sometime."

"Maybe," Maul growled flirtatiously. Windu was pretty hot, for a Jedi. And it would annoy the crap out of Qui-Gon. Windu winked and left.

He watched Windu carry the drinks back to Qui-Gon, checking his butt out as he left. Damn, he thought. Another Jedi? What am I thinking? I must be really horny!

And then the club came to a complete halt.

Maul felt a powerful disturbance in the Force. The lust of every being in the club focused on... he turned to see... Obi-Wan and Mary Sue, in their hottest clubbing clothes. They immediately hit the dance floor, doing the most suggestive moves in their repertoire. And they were both strippers. They stopped short of groping each other, but Mary Sue was lust whammying the entire club into wanting both of them. Maul was filled with a deep and soulful craving for a threesome that not even chocolate could help. He reached out with the Force and felt that Qui-Gon had some deep and soulful cravings of his own. He smirked and tried to focus on Qui-Gon's suffering rather than his own.

It didn't work, of course. Soon he was impelled to interpose himself between the siblings. Obi-Wan grabbed his hips, and ground up against him from behind, then ran his hands over Maul's chest. Mary Sue humped his leg and pulled him in for a kiss. Oh, yeah! he thought, before lapsing into incoherence.

Hey! Wait! Where the hell was Kenobi going? He turned. It was that bitch Qui-Gon pulling Obi-Wan off Maul, of course. Maul growled and moved to fight Qui-Gon to the death, but Mary Sue grabbed him, pulled him back, and put his hands on her butt as she grabbed his butt with both hands and pulled him closer, rubbing their hips together. Dazedly, he watched over her shoulder as Obi-Wan pulled Qui-Gon into a kiss while humping his leg. Qui-Gon moaned loudly and groped Obi-Wan's butt.

The song was over, and the deejay, who was staring slack-jawed at the performance on the dance floor, had let the music run out. In the silence, Mary Sue asked Obi-Wan, "Ready?"

"Yeah," Obi-Wan said. "Let's blow this popsicle stand." Maul and Qui-Gon watched, frozen in horror, as the terrible two left. Overcome with lust, Maul and Qui-Gon looked at each other speculatively, then shuddered at the thought. Maul stalked to the bar and demanded a pitcher of hamster death gulps. No matter how desperate I get, I will NEVER be desperate enough to do that aging hippy! Maul thought.

Qui-Gon stormed to his table, scowling. No matter how desperate I get, I will NEVER be desperate enough to do that tattooed freak! Qui-Gon thought. Then Qui-Gon wondered what Obi-Wan saw in the tattooed freak. Then Qui-Gon burst into tears and collapsed into Windu's arms.

"Told you I did!" Yoda announced. "The girl that was!"

"Her?" Qui-Gon demanded. "That was the girl you saw him with at Divine Oscillations?"

"Yes! Bond between them, you sense it too, hmmm?"

"You MORON!" Qui-Gon shouted. Windu almost dropped him in amazement. "That's his SISTER!" He stalked to the bar, pointed at Maul, and snarled, "I'll have what he's having." He slammed down half the pitcher, then turned to Maul. "What IS this stuff? It's DISGUSTING!"

***

Maul was awakened by someone banging on the door. He opened it to see Qui-Gon. He scratched his horns in confusion. Qui-Gon shoved him aside and started searching the apartment. "Where is he?" Qui-Gon snarled.

"Who?" Maul asked.

"My apprentice." Maul briefly wondered why Qui-Gon was looking for his cat before he realized that he meant Obi-Wan. "He wasn't next door. He's here, isn't he?" Qui-Gon frothed jealously.

"He's at his sister's," Maul said, and yawned.

"Do you know where she lives?" Qui-Gon asked.

"Sure, not that she ever takes me back there," Maul groused sleepily. "She says my horns are going to screw up her expensive silk sheets."

"I thought from that little performance last night you were sleeping with both of them." Maul yawned and nodded and rubbed his eyes. "Don't you think that's, well, WRONG?"

"Yeah, kinda, but... YOU try telling them that!" Maul considered snorting coffee grounds so he could be properly surly to this overgrown hippy fool.

"You're unusually pleasant this morning," Qui-Gon observed.

"I'm not myself until I have my morning coffee," Maul grumbled. Qui-Gon laughed.

"Obi-Wan never mentioned that you were funny," Qui-Gon said. Maul said nothing, staring predatorially at the filling coffee carafe. He considered removing the carafe and sticking his open mouth under the coffee drip. "Maybe I should spend more time getting to know his friends..."

"Ew," Maul opined. He poured himself a cup of coffee and felt his brain switch on as he drank. "Hey," Maul said, consciousness and surliness returning. "You're one to lecture me about screwing siblings! What about you and Ben-Wa, huh? Don't you think that's WRONG? At least I have the excuse of ignorance when we got involved." He shuddered. "At least I've never done their dad!"

"Shut up," Qui-Gon said, and left. Maul poured himself a bowl of Count Chocula and sat in front of the TV, preparing to enjoy his breakfast in peace. He was interrupted by another knock.

It was Qui-Gon again. "Can you give me his sister's address?" he asked sheepishly. Maul gave him the address, then beat his head against the door frame. Obviously he needed more coffee.

***

Mary Sue answered the knock at the door to see a humanoid figure hidden entirely behind an enormous arrangement of flowers. She sighed. "I thought I told all the florists in town AND the doorman, NO MORE FLOWERS!"

"They're not for you," a voice said behind the flowers. She grinned.

"Hey, Obi! Special delivery for you!" she yelled. "Come on in," she told the man behind the flowers. It was Qui-Gon. Obi-Wan stopped in his tracks and sulked at the sight of him.

"I was a jerk. I'm sorry," Qui-Gon said. Obi-Wan scowled and rolled his eyes. "I was an idiot. A jealous, suspicious, paranoid moron." Obi-Wan visibly softened but stayed on his side of the room. "I humbly and sincerely apologize for being an asshole and not treating you the way you deserve... do you want me to kneel?" Obi-Wan launched himself at his master and covered him with breathless kisses. Qui-Gon held him close with one hand and groped him with the other.

"You two kids need to take this to my guestroom?" Mary Sue quipped. Obi-Wan blushed.

"No, my place," he said. "I mean, you're my sister. We might make noise and stuff. Ew."

"Okay," she said. "We need to do the slumber party thing again soon, though. What do you think? Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion and hot fudge sundaes?"

"We'll decide later," Obi-Wan beamed, dragging Qui-Gon out by the hand. Mary Sue giggled, then stretched and pondered what lucky man was going to have the privelege of cleaning her apartment today. Obviously not Maul, she thought with a snicker. But obviously something HAD to be done about all this popcorn. She just had other plans for Mr. Untidy. She packed up her purchases from Divine Oscillations into her purse while she called up a boytoy to do her cleaning.

***

Maul was close. He could feel it in his fingernails and toes. He was playing an ass-kicking game of Jedi Roadkill 13, the Swimsuit edition, and this was going to be a personal record.

He heard Kenobi's door slam. He ignored it. Then he heard loud moans coming from the apartment next door. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan must have made up. Yes, he could hear the bedsprings squeaking and the headboard thumping in time to the moans. Argh! So much for this game. He beat his head on the coffee table, goring another hole in the surface with a horn.

***

Maul was sulking on his balcony with a Pete's Wicked Ale and a cigarette when Obi-Wan came out on his balcony in a bathrobe with a Guinness. He was glowing. Maul scowled.

"Oh, Maul, I was hoping you'd be out here; I'm dying for a cigarette! Bum a smoke?" Maul scowled even more deeply and handed Obi-Wan his cigarette. Obi-Wan took a long, deep drag and blew some perfect smoke rings. He smiled dreamily.

"Life is good," Obi-Wan observed. He stretched sensuously.

"Qui-Gon apologized," Maul observed.

"Yeah," Obi-Wan said, with another deep drag of cigarette and another dreamy smile. "I love the way he apologizes. We may have to fight more often."

"You've never seen how I apologize," Maul groused.

"I thought you would never apologize," Obi-Wan teased.

"Not verbally," Maul leered. Obi-Wan burst out laughing and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Maybe later," he said, putting the cigarette in Maul's mouth. "I still have company." He winked and wagged his eyebrows at Maul before going back into his own apartment.

Maul grinned evilly in anticipation of what was to come and went back inside to play some more Jedi Roadkill. He'd just switched on the television and the Playstation when he was interrupted by a knock at the door.

It was Mary Sue. In tight leather. Hummina. "So... wanna fuck?" she asked.

"Yes," he growled lustfully.

"You're absolutely sure? Because I don't HAVE to, you know? Just if you really want it..."

"Of COURSE!!!" he snarled.

"You want me to fuck you?" she asked mischievously.

"YES! COME IN HERE AND FUCK ME NOW!!!!!!"

"Ohh-kay!" she giggled, tossing him over her shoulder to drag off to bed.

END

(8/1/99)

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