by Kristina Johnson
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Disclaimer: George owns the characters, yadda yadda.
Darth Maul awoke with one serious hangover. He had finally beaten his new PlayStation game yesterday, and had celebrated by getting drunk. Final Sith Fantasy. Since any Sith's ultimate fantasy was the destruction of the Jedi, the game had been pretty much the same as all the others, only in role-playing-game format.
Maul groaned, wondering how the rampaging rancor pounding away inside his skull had gotten in there in the first place. Perhaps he had over-celebrated for just that one game. He was contemplating suicide and idly realizing that this was the first time in a while he had awakened both with a hangover and alone, when a familiar voice began screaming his name.
"Maul! Will you get up and listen to me?"
"I'm up, I'm up, my Master," Maul mumbled, wishing Darth Sidious would just let him die in peace. He managed to pry one eye open and peer at Sidious, who was wearing blue velvet Palpatine-attire.
"Good. I've been trying to get your attention for some time. I was beginning to think I was talking to your pillows and you were sleeping . . . elsewhere." He leered at his apprentice.
Darth Maul grumbled, visions of lost drunken opportunities flitting in his mind. "What do you want?" he asked with as much respect as he could muster. In other words, quite rudely.
"Dartha Stewart wanted me to ask a favor of you." A strange look crossed Sidious's face, as if he were asking himself just why he was doing what she had commanded. Maul chuckled evilly. That woman had one powerful Whammy. "She said that her son Ben-Wa's music group has been rather unpopular recently, and he's been in a terrible funk. She wants you to spend some time with him and cheer him up."
"WHAT?" Maul exclaimed. Dartha must be an even bigger sadistic bastard--if that term could be applied to a female--than Sidious. "That cretin's an even more annoying twit than his brother!" And a lousy lover he added mentally. "There's no way I'm spending time with him, unless it's to wring his neck!"
"I'm glad you agree," Sidious said ominously, though there was a hint of maliciousness underneath the ominousness.
Already extremely irritated by the worst hangover he had ever had, Darth Maul fumed at his master. Sidious smiled, basking in his apprentice's fury. Maul snatched up the nearest object to throw at Sidious, forgetting that he'd set his lightsaber on his nightstand last night (he had forgotten much of last night). He had only meant to vent his agitation, not kill anyone (much as that would please him). His thumb, though, accidentally grazed the activation button and one of the red blades flashed to life as it spun towards Sidious. Not expecting an attack, the Sith Master stared down in shock as the blade sliced through his midsection, and he abruptly vanished. The lightsaber smacked into the wall, creating a large hole in it, then clattered to the ground.
Maul's jaw dropped open. Was that it? Was Sidious dead, then? He had just vanished--wasn't that just for Jedi? Though Maul had seen some Jedi die that didn't vanish. Perhaps, he mused, that honor is reserved for Masters that don't sleep with their apprentices.
Whatever the case may be, he had seen the lightsaber blade go through Sidious. He had to be dead. And that made Maul a Sith Master.
His hangover began to fade away as he stared at where his Master--former Master--had once stood. He had achieved an accomplishment far beyond beating any game. He had risen up and slain his Master, just like he had always sworn he would.
"I am hot shit," Maul whispered to himself.
Not long later, Maul contemplated what would be the best way to celebrate this, the victory of victories. The lingering headache made him pass up booze for once. Perhaps boasting to Mary Sue? He had a feeling she would not be too upset at the passing of her father, and might be fairly impressed.
A small furry shape brushed up against his leg, then bonked its head against him with a "meow." Maul was halfway to the kitchen when an idea struck him hard enough to dissolve My Apprentice's food Whammy.
"That's it," Maul cackled. "What better way to celebrate my elevation to Master than to take on an apprentice of my own . . . a real apprentice," he added as the cat glared up at him. "Someone I can torment, just like my former Master tormented me! And I won't be half as nice as he was!"
Maul thought back over the last few months. Evil ran rampant throughout Coruscant. He had probably met hundreds of people he had thought would make good apprentices. The kids he had babysat for, the Gray Side's bouncer, the Disney employees. Probably three fourths of the Jedi would make good Sith apprentices, and they were already strong in the Force. Maul was halfway decided to go give the bouncer a visit when a cheery voice interrupted his thoughts.
"Lightsaber practice?" Obi-Wan Kenobi asked, smiling in through the hole in Maul's wall caused by the killing blow that morning. "Or were you just agitated?"
"Both!" Maul snapped, not wanting to be bothered. Obi-Wan was wearing his traditional beige Padawan outfit, and Maul choked down the sigh of regret he almost let out at the way the clothes covered everything up.
"Oh. I heard voices this morning, and was afraid you had . . . company." Maul felt a wave of jealousy from the other man, tinged with anger. It would be so easy to turn the little Jedi twit to the Dark Side . . .
Maul's face split into a grin as the idea struck him. Why not? All those others he had thought would make good apprentices had probably never even heard of the Force before. And who else would care if he did turn them? However, converting a trained Jedi to the Dark Side would really agitate the rest of the Jedi. It would be a triumph for the Sith.
"What's funny?" Obi-Wan asked curiously.
Darth Maul could not help but to gloat. "From now on," he declared, puffing out his chest, "you will call me 'Master'!"
Obi-Wan brightened. "Kinky," he said with a grin. Maul frowned, replaying in his mind what he had said. He growled.
"I'm not talking about sex," he snarled. He puffed himself up again. "I have risen up and slain my Master," He declared proudly. Sith did not beat around the bush "I am a Sith Master now! And you will be my apprentice!"
Obi-Wan stared at him incredulously for a moment, then gave him the last reaction he had expected. He laughed.
"That's a good one," he chuckled. "Like Qui-Gon would let me become a Sith!"
Maul ground his teeth. "He can't stop you," he grated. "It's your destiny."
"But I already have a Master."
"You can leave him, you know."
"I don't think so," Obi-Wan said with another giggle. "Sorry."
Maul fumed. He was giving up the chance of a lifetime! If he kept laughing, Maul would go see the bouncer. After asphyxiating the twit. "Fine!" he snarled. "But unless you agree to become my apprentice, don't come near me, don't touch me! Ever!"
Obi-Wan abruptly stopped laughing, his face paling and looking cutely hurt. Maul quickly averted his eyes. "You don't really mean that," he whined.
"Don't I? Get away from my hole!" He sent a stream of Force lightning through the hole in the wall, causing the Padawan to yelp and jump back.
"I know you'll be back," Maul sneered quietly after the departed Jedi. "It's only a matter of time."
Though Obi-Wan's forced abstinence from Maul would surely cause him torment--to Maul's delight, of course--that also meant that Maul would have to suffer, too, until the twit gave in. Of course, he hastily assured himself, he didn't need him. And he was used to torment, after all those years being Sidious's apprentice. Besides, he still had Mary Sue. Obi-Wan still had Qui-Gon, of course, but Maul knew he was much better than the old hippie Jedi. There's no lover like a Sith lover.
Maul returned to his usual life of messiness and video games, glorifying in being able to beat games in record time, not having to go on some silly menial task of Sidious's. My Apprentice sulked for a while, being deprived of the person she was most fond of Whammying. And since Maul pretty much never left, she never had a moment to herself. But when Maul was happy--happy for a Sith, anyway--he seemed to be more susceptible to her Mind Whammies, so she eventually simmered down.
The best thing of all was the anguish radiating from the place next door. Deprived of Force-driven Light-and-Dark-intertwined sex, Obi-Wan was miserable. He was even refusing an increasingly-frustrated Qui-Gon, who eventually left to pursue other lovers. Mace Windu, no doubt. Maul glorified in it. Very soon now, the lust would be too much for the Padawan, he would become angry, and his journey to the Dark Side would be complete.
It was probably three days after Maul's elevation to Masterhood that he heard a not-so-polite rap on his door. Grinning triumphantly, he flung it open with the Force, and an enraged Obi-Wan stormed in. He was radiating anger and frustration, and Maul's grin grew.
"Welcome, my apprentice," he gloated. "I am ready to teach you the ways of the Dark Si--"
Obi-Wan sent a wave of the Force slamming into Maul, sending him flying back onto the couch. "Very good!" he cackled, Sidious-like. "Use your anger and strike out at me!"
"I'll strike out at you, my Master," Obi-Wan snarled, stalking over to the couch.
Some time later, the couch in shambles, Maul got up and retrieved his clothes from where they'd been flung. All he could find was one of his fairly new Sith Lords Kick Ass t-shirts--now reduced to tattered rags. The jeans had been completely disintegrated. Fortunately, Maul still had several of the shirts left. He glanced over at his new apprentice, sleeping amidst the carnage of the couch, using his clothes as a blanket. If there was anything better than the intertwining of the Light and Dark Sides during sex, it was the intertwining of two ferocious Dark Sides.
A loud purring caught Maul's attention, and he glanced over at My Apprentice, who was curled up next to the Handbook. She let out a hiss that sounded strangely like a snicker, and batted at the book with a paw. With a chuckle-sounding page-flip, it opened up to a particular page, one particular rule seeming to be highlighted. The one Maul had used so many times to keep Sidious away.
Sith cannot be with other Sith.
Maul almost screamed a "NOOOOOO!" but cut himself off. Hey, who was the Master here? His scowl was replaced by a grin, Maul grabbed a pen and lunged after the book, which was trying to beat a hasty retreat. He Whammied it into immobility, and wrote in "unless they want to" underneath the rule. My Apprentice gave another hiss/snicker, and went to sleep.
Maul retrieved a new set of clothes, got dressed, and went to wake his apprentice up for his first day of Sith training.
"Get up, Darth Obi-Wan," Maul shouted--he'd have to change his name to something more ominous later--startling him awake. "Today we shall perform some menial tasks to torment you and hone your anger, until you are ready to strike me down." He tossed him an extra Kick Ass shirt and black jeans. "We'll burn the Padawan outfit later."
After he was properly dressed, Maul led Obi-Wan out to the Infiltrator, wondering what he should make him do first. A driving test? No, he already knew how to drive. Get a series of degrading jobs? Perhaps find a suitable Sithly pet to replace his hamsters?--no, since he was Maul's apprentice, the Sith cat was now Obi-Wan's Apprentice.
As they prepared to board the Infiltrator, a familiar figure intercepted them.
"Padawan, where are you going . . . with him . . . and why are you dressed like that?"
"I'm not your Padawan!" Obi-Wan snapped. "I'm a Sith apprentice now." He activated his lightsaber, sending his former master scurrying away, crying to himself.
Ah, Maul thought. That will be our first task. Getting a new lightsaber. Blue is so unSithly. Another thought occurred to him. Now that hippie will go back and complain to the Jedi Council, and they'll all know I converted one of them to the Dark Side! Oh, this is too good!
After purchasing a black-bladed double lightsaber, Maul took his apprentice to as many places as he could think of that would hone his anger. He relished the waves of hatred Obi-Wan directed at him as he was forced to perform all the menial tasks and go to all the annoying places Maul had been forced to as an apprentice. And all in one day, too. At this rate, Obi-Wan would be a Sith Master in no time. Of course, that meant Maul would be dead. But perhaps he would meet Sidious wherever he ended up, and be able to gloat about how much better he had trained his apprentice. "That's right, my former Master. He rose up and slew me within days of becoming my apprentice!"
Near the end of the day, after having cleaved a used-car-salesman in two, Obi-Wan turned on Maul. "Are we done for today?" he demanded. "I don't think my anger can become any more honed than it is."
"Be patient, my young apprentice."
"How much younger do you think I am than you? And patience is for Jedi."
Maul grinned to himself. He had done well on this first day of training. It was, he supposed, time take a break. "Very well, Darth Obi-Wan." Damn that sounded bizarre! Perhaps Darth Malice or Darth--man, he looks awfully cute when he's angry . . . Maul shook his head to get rid of his straying thoughts. Sith were not cute. "We shall return home."
The next morning, Maul dramatically entered Obi-Wan's apartment as Sidious had so many times before, but the effort was wasted since Obi-Wan hadn't even noticed his Master come in. His eyes were glued to his holoTV. He was dressed in his underwear and Sith Lords Kick Ass t-shirt, sitting amidst the cluttered mess his living room had become overnight, playing Jedi Temple Raider IX on what appeared to be Maul's PlayStation. His hamster HabiTrail was nowhere to be seen--either lost amidst the mess or tossed out for some Jedi kid to find--and My (His) Apprentice's food bowl and kitty bed had taken up residence.
Maul grimaced. Here it was time to start another day of Sith training and Obi-Wan was playing some mind-numbing video game. He sent a small wave of Force at the PlayStation, turning it off.
"NOOOOOO!!" Obi-Wan yelled. "I almost had a new high score!"
Maul sniffed the once-spotless room. "What could you have possibly done during the night to make the place smell like this?" He kicked a half-sentient pizza box out of his way.
"Nothing. Just lived in it."
"We must continue your training."
Obi-Wan glared. "What are we doing today, Master Maul?"
Maul grinned. He liked the sound of that. "We aren't doing anything. You are going to go to the mall--" he liked the name of that place "--to do some shopping for me."
Obi-Wan paled. "You don't mean that place where all of Coruscant's junior-high kids go to wander around aimlessly?"
"The very place. I wouldn't be surprised if your anger and hatred were honed enough to strike me down by the time you returned."
Obi-Wan smiled in a familiar way. "I'll strike you down all right," he said again. Maul almost grinned. He remembered what had happened the last time he had made that innuendo-laced threat.
After his apprentice had stalked off with shopping list in hand, Maul reached over and turned the PlayStation back on.
That night, Obi-Wan stormed in, tossed several shopping bags onto Maul's lap, unhooked his new lightsaber from his jeans' loop, and headed back out again.
"Where are you going?" Maul asked.
"After a day at the mall, my anger is enough to make me explode. I do not wish to strike you down yet--" he grinned at Maul with an evil leer "--so I'll go vent my rage on the Jedi."
"Excellent," Maul hissed. He snatched up his own lightsaber and started after Obi-Wan. This he had to see.
As he chased down the hall after his madly-running apprentice, someone bounded in Maul's way, and they slammed into one another, knocking him down. Maul gritted his teeth in fury, preparing to vent his wrath.
"Maul! Where are you dashing off to at this time of night?"
Maul froze in horror. He knew that voice. He slowly looked up to see a familiar face glaring down at him.
"B-buh-but I thought you were--"
"Were what?" Sidious asked. "Still on Coruscant? Didn't you get my note saying I'd be in Naboo for several days?"
"No . . ." Maul muttered. "But I--you--"
"I sent you that hologram message, since the phones weren't working. But when you threw your lightsaber at it, it must have short-circuited. I couldn't reach you after that."
Hologram? That had been a hologram? Maul groaned. Damn it! And I was so hung over I couldn't tell the difference in the Force between person and projection!!
So much for his days of glory. There could be only two, so that meant he either had to kill his Master now, or Obi-Wan had to go back to being a Jedi. That would have to do for now, but first, Maul did not want to miss this. He strolled over to where a furious Obi-Wan was waiting impatiently for the elevator door to open.
He sighed, realizing that if he let him kill a bunch of Jedi, they'd never take him back. And they'd either kill him or banish him, or something. Then where would Darth Maul be when the time came for him to need an apprentice again?
He grumbled, supposing that the Jedi-killing could wait for another day. "I guess my master isn't as dead as I thought," Maul muttered. "There can only be two, so you're gonna have to be a Jedi again."
"What?" Obi-Wan complained. "You've got to be kidding me!"
"Only until the time comes when I really strike my master down. Then you can be a Sith again."
"Great," Obi-Wan muttered. "Stupid Light-Siders. Well, I guess I'll have to go buy Qui-Gon an apology gift so he'll take me back as his Padawan."
Maul grumbled an agreement. "And I'll have to go plot ways to annoy the crap out of you, since you're a Jedi again."
"Qui-Gon is probably asleep, now. Well, unless he's visiting Mace Windu. He can wait until tomorrow. Your place or mine?"
"Mine. Yours is so messy we wouldn't be able to find the bed."
"Fine. Come along, Dark-Side freak."
"Yeah, whatever, Light-Side twit."
They strolled past a confused Sidious to Maul's room and slammed the door shut.
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