Sith Academy: At the Movies
by Bridget the Khaki Ninja
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Darth Maul was at the computer arguing in a chat room about Ross and Rachel.

"Bloody fools! Do they know anything!" he growled at the deaf monitor.

Darth Sidious came silently in from behind him.

"My apprentice, you have been inside far too long tapping at that infernal machine."

"But master... AOL is helping me to hone my hatred skills. Already I have gotten five people TOSed, sent out chain mail, and have been hindered by constant updates."

"Yes, Lord Maul, but you forget there is a world outside. It is Saturday and you should not be inside. I have a task for you to do."

"Yes, my master?"

"I wish for you to go see a movie with me, the matinee. This should help you learn while also keeping up with contemporary entertainment. The move starts in an hour. We should get going."

***

The sun was blistering hot and Maul had driven the entire way there with a busted air-conditioner. The drive alone had left him infuriated with bad traffic and the humidity had left him soaked in sweat. He kept glancing over to Sidious who was still in his thick black robes. How the hell was he managing to keep so damn cool?

He was cut off while trying to park. His drink spilled out of the cup holder right onto Sidious.

"Damn, I spilled my Big Gulp," Sidious complained. "No matter. We can get another drink inside."

"But the theater prices are outrageous!"

"It is of no concern. You will find a way, my young apprentice, but be sure they do not trick you. The theater management is familiar with our ways and will try to swindle you with a 'combo' of some kind. Do not be fooled my apprentice. Stick with what you will finish."

"Yes, my master." He glowered after he got out after parking his vehicle--there was a damned line straight around the side of the building.

"We may not be able to get in, my master," Maul complained.

"Do not worry, my apprentice. If there are no tickets left we still have options. We can trick the ticket seller into letting us in or we can sneak in through the side entrance."

"We are Sith... we do not sneak," Maul stated.

"This is true, but not in the case of preview showings, especially for Austin Powers movies. There is much to be learned."

"Yes, my master. Already I can feel the hate swelling."

"No, my apprentice. Dr. Evil is a cunning man. Sharks with laser beams attached to their heads? I never would have thought of that!"

Maul stood in the back of the line, sweating right through his "Sith Lords Kick Ass" tee shirt. He could feel the rage rising within him. Sidious stood with him, unreadable behind his dark hood.

Two teenage boys walked directly in line in front of him, cutting in line where a friend was waiting.

Maul strode up to the boys.

"Get to the end of the line," Maul growled.

"Make me," a whiny one said.

"If you insist."

He picked the boy by the neck and hurled him over his shoulder, landing the teenager right into a dumpster. The other two looked right at Maul and ran to the end of the line.

He immediately took their place in line. A woman glared right at him and looked about ready to give him a piece of her mind. Maul sent her a scathing gaze and she wisely decided to keep her silence.

"Very good, my apprentice," Sidious praised. "You have established that you are the superior of the line. No others will question your authority."

The reached the front of the line.

"We're sold out, sorry," the ticket seller said.

"You have room for two more," Maul said, using the Sith Mind Whammy.

"No, we don't," the seller said firmly.

"I think you do," Maul said, trying much harder this time.

"I think we have room for two more," the seller said. "And please take these gift certificates, good for three more shows."

Maul grinned triumphantly and walked inside.

***

At last Maul made it into the theater. And there waiting for him was yet another long line at the refreshment stand. When he got there, he recognized the kid at the counter as being Dan the punk from Blockbuster. Dan froze in horror as he recognized the red and black face.

"Welcome to the Multiplex. What can I... g-get for you?" Dan stuttered.

"A large popcorn and a Jabba sized Pepsi."

"Can I interest you in a combo for one more dollar?"

"No."

"But for another dollar you can get a larger.."

Maul held his hand at his lightsaber, sending the pimply boy into a panic. Dan rushed as quickly as he could to get the order.

Obi-Wan walked up to the counter.

"Excuse me," Obi-Wan whined. "But my master specifically requested Diet Pepsi. This is regular."

"I'm sorry, sir," Dan apologized. He then forgot about Maul and went to get Obi-Wan another drink.

Maul grew impatient, the dark side rising within him.

"My order," he growled.

"I'm sorry, sir," Dan said. "It will just be a moment."

"I'm sorry too," Obi-Wan chirped. Maul rolled his eyes.

Just then, Obi-Wan leaned too far against the counter and hit the returned Pepsi, knocking it over onto Maul. Before Obi-Wan had the chance to whine another apology, Maul had his lightsaber out and activated. Obi-Wan looked about ready to drop a load in his pants, but had his own saber out and ready.

Maul tabbed his saber's blade against Obi-Wan's lightly, then pushed against it hard, knocking Obi-Wan back behind him.

"The circle is now complete," Maul said. "When we first got here, I was behind, and you were the customer. Now I am the first!"

"Only the first in rudeness," Obi-Wan said brightly. He slashed to the left with his blade. Maul flipped him over onto Dan over the counter. He then used the dark side to over heat the popcorn causing the machine to explode. Dan and Obi-Wan were both buried in a pile of white, butterless kernels.

He walked into the theater with a broad grin on his face.

"That was good, my apprentice," Sidious said. "Not only did you smack the Jedi down, you got us free popcorn. A pity it was not salted."

Maul held up the salt dispenser he had swiped from the counter.

"You have been trained well, my apprentice."

Finally they took their seats.

***

The opening credits had just begun when small children began crying and talking loudly. Annoyed, Maul turned around.

"Silence!" he hissed.

The children immediately fell silent and ran back to their seats. But it wasn't over. A couple in front of him were also talking.

"Be quiet," Maul glowered.

The man turned around. "Shut up, ya jerk."

Enraged, Maul walked up to the man with his Jabba-sized Pepsi and bluntly poured it down his opponent's pants. The other man flushed red and ran from the theater with his girlfriend quickly following, trying to cover up the large wet stain in vain.

Maul went back to his seat and retrieved his refreshments. Seeing a better seat, he walked closer to the front and planted himself right in front of the still slightly popcorn covered Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Obi-Wan turned to his companion.

"Master," he said. "I can not see and there are no more available seats in the theater to move to," Obi-Wan said.

"My young padawan, you will have to move your head to the side then. You can not ask this man to leave if as you said, there are no more seats," Qui-Gon said, happy that he was the tallest person there and didn't have this problem.

Right after he said that, the hooded man in front of him appeared to have grown some and was now blocking his view. Qui-Gon lifted his head up some trying to see over, but nothing would work. He frowned his disapproval, but said nothing. Jedi were not rude.

Obi-Wan moved his head to the side, only to have that pointy head move in unison, blocking his view completely every time. If he didn't know better, the man in front of him was laughing quietly.

Maul sat back and propped up his feet on the seat in front of him. He looked next to him to Sidious, who was kneeling on a booster seat he had swiped from Denny's the day before. His master would lean up higher and move from side to side, using the Force to detect which way the Jedi master would try to move. They both smiled.

Maul lit up a cigarette half way through the movie. Almost five seconds after, an usher came running up in their direction. Maul immediately flicked the cigarette over his shoulder making it land perfectly in Obi-Wan's hand.

"Sir, you can't smoke in here. I'll have to ask you to leave."

"But I wasn't..."

The usher grabbed the young Jedi by the shoulder and dragged him out of the theater.

Maul allowed himself a smile of satisfaction.

"You have done well, my apprentice," Sidious said. "I only hope you do this well when the time comes for you to purchase a new automobile."

"I will not fail you, my master."

END

(6/8/99)