Darth Maul Gets A Roommate
Darth Maul, Sith Lord, opened his eyes slowly and stared at the ceiling above his bed. Light slithered into his bedroom via the gaps in the black curtains, illuminated dark corners and moldy clothing, then decided to slither someplace healthier and more hospitable.
Maul groaned and wiped the crusty goo from the corners of his eyes. He arose from his bed, peeling the grimy black sheet from his boxer-clad body. He scratched his ripped abs and yawned as he walked to the kitchen.
"Coffee," he croaked and stumbled over a pizza box civilization. He caught his balance in the kitchen, one foot landing squarely on a turd kicked from My Apprentice's litterbox, which had hardened into a gravel-covered rock.
Growling, he picked up the turd and flung it at My Apprentice, who had stopped mid-buttlick to see what the fuss was about. She ran before the turd could hit her, and it landed in a pizza box colony instead. The inhabitants had yet to invent fire, thus they believed the projectile to be a gift from the Mighty Horned God. The spot where the turd landed became the center of the motherland, and was said to be a source of great power and luck. They often invoked its power to ward off The Fluffy Paws of Death.
Maul had unloaded his first frustration of the day, and so went in search of coffee in his cabinets. To his dismay, there was none to be found. He had forgotten to re-stock his coffee supply the last time he had visited the grocery store. Before he could unleash another anguished howl, there was a knock at the door.
"You had better be a coffee delivery boy," Maul muttered and opened the door. There Obi-Wan Kenobi stood in a pair of gray sweatpants and a black Siouxsie and the Banshees tour shirt, sipping from a mug sporting white foam and the distinct scent of strong coffee. Obi-Wan lowered the mug when he saw his neighbor and smiled. Maul's brain scattered in several different directions, caught between the lust it felt for the coffee in the mug, and the lust for Kenobi's froth-coated mouth.
Maul whimpered in a most un-Sithly fashion.
"Good morning," Obi-Wan greeted, sweeping his eyes greedily over his half-naked neighbor and licking the froth from his upper lip. "Mary Sue bought me an espresso machine. Wanna try some espresso?"
Maul made a short, ecstatic sound, grabbed Obi-Wan's face, and gave him a quick, hard kiss. Obi-Wan laughed.
"OK, that means yes," he said and led Maul to his apartment.
There it sat, gleaming ostentatiously on Obi-Wan's kitchen counter. Maul didn't know why Mary Sue had bought Obi-Wan such an expensive gift, and he didn't care. It was a Force Express 9000, the best home espresso machine money could buy. With proper care, the machine could make a shot of coffee at the push of one button.
Maul tried not to drool.
Obi-Wan placed a white demitasse cup under the double spout. He pushed a button, and the machine began to whir, grinding the beans it grabbed from the reservoir and tamping the grounds into its built-in filter. Then there was a cranking sound, and hot dark brown liquid spilled from the spout into the cup.
Obi-Wan gave the cup to Maul.
"Have you ever had espresso?" Obi-Wan asked when Maul sniffed the coffee. Maul shook his head.
"Careful, then," he said. "It's very strong."
Strong was an understatement. This was the pure essence of the bean as a viscous fluid exploding in his mouth then burning a murderous path down his throat. He could feel the thick liquid roil in his stomach. He gasped.
Maul understood why Mary Sue had given her brother the machine. Espresso was downright Sithly.
Suddenly, Maul and Obi-Wan heard the door to Maul's apartment banged open, and a familiar voice yelled "Maul!"
"Shit," Maul said. "It's your da. I'd better run." He chugged the rest of the syrupy coffee and bolted for his apartment.
Sidious, in cream-colored velvet robes with black satin trim, was crouching over My Apprentice's bowl and shoveling a freshly-opened can of tuna into it.
"Ahh, there you are, Maul," Sidious said, his voice like velvet rubbed the wrong way. "Tainting my son again?"
"Obi-Wan has introduced me to the ways of espresso, my master," Maul replied. "It is a beverage befitting a Sith."
"And a Jedi introduced you to this wonder," Sidious observed. "Marvelous. Maul, I have a new trial for you."
"Trial?" Maul asked. "Not a 'task'?"
"Oh no. This is more...prolonged," Sidious replied, smirking in a noxious fashion.
"What is your bidding, my master," Maul said, trying to fight back the urge to kick the crap out of the queenie bastard.
"Maul," Sidious announced imperiously. "You shall get a roommate."
Maul's jaw dropped.
"Dartha Stewart's nephew is a student at the Jedi Academy. His parents just moved to Tatooine to become moisture farmers, and the boy is in need of a home. So...I get half of the rent for this apartment back in my monthly budget, and you get a constant companion to hone your rage."
Maul stood in his second bedroom staring at the TV Guide in his hands. It was a special edition on the Kessel Spice Girls premiere on a cable video station. How the hell it had made its way past his front door without being incinerated immediately was beyond his reasoning. Using the Force, he shredded it and set it aside to use as kitty pan liner later.
That done, he stared at the rest of the flotsam and jetsam splashed across the bedroom floor. He had randomly tossed items into the room for later deliberation since he had moved in. However, he had never stuck his nose into the second bedroom other than to toss randomness to the squalid floor since he had moved in.
It was quite a mess.
He fetched a large black garbage bag from the kitchen, and then set to picking up the larger items from the floor. He tossed in one piece that bore a striking resemblance to an Ewok pelt, but he didn't want to spend too much time wondering about it and moved on to the next piece of garbage.
As he worked, he thought about Sidious's command. Maul knew the roommate was a result of Dartha's amazing ability to whammy Palpatine. One day he would face Dartha and demand she tell him how she was able to subjugate Sidious's will so completely.
Maul picked up a large piece of aluminum siding, only to have a large slimy something jump up at him, aiming for his jugular. It caught him entirely by surprise, and thus it was able to knock him down. Maul screamed, kicked the thing squarely in what he thought was its chest, slamming it into the opposite wall.
Maul ran into the living room, using the Force to summon his lightsaber. He activated one side and waited. A dark green and yellow mass flolloped out into the living room, bounding with increasingly greater strength. Maul snarled and cut it neatly in two with his lightsaber. The glob of goo let out a scream that sounded like 20 Gungans suddenly saying "ooooh!" Unfortunately for Maul, the stench of the thing's insides was worse than the sound it made as it died.
Maul caught his breath, deactivated his lightsaber, and switched on another lamp. He poked at the dead creature with a discarded plastic fork. He wasn't a biology student, but to his untrained eye the beast appeared to have been the child of a toenail clipping and the mess from a dirty handkerchief. Maul coughed and pondered what to do with the thing.
It was too large to flush down the toilet, and the smell of it was strong enough to surely illicit attention if he were to lug it down to the dumpsters. He thought for a moment.
Suddenly inspired, Maul grabbed an old bucket from a closet. He trotted to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. He picked up a bottle of pickles from a shelf. He tossed the pickles and poured the juice from the jar into the bucket. He diluted it with some tap water and added vinegar. Satisfied with the liquid, he shoveled the creature into the bucket, then sealed it with saran wrap. He stowed the bucket under the sink. After his roommate moved in, Maul was sure he could fetch a good price from the Jedi Academy Biology Department for the pickled oddity.
Maul returned to the second bedroom to finish his cleaning. However, he was much more careful about it, and he kept his lightsaber in the room.
When the floor was clean of larger particulates, he straightened his back and wiped the sweat from his face. He had a full bag of garbage, and a hefty unwillingness to haul it all the way down to the dumpsters on the ground floor. He pondered for a moment, then grinned evilly.
He opened his front door, poked his head into the hallway, and looked both ways. No sign of life, and no sound. He tip-toed across the way and gently set the gigantic bag of garbage in front of Cyn's doorway and bolted back into his own apartment, then quietly closed his door.
Right. The floor was still a bit dirty, so he pulled his old vacuum cleaner from his closet. The machine itself looked like it could use a dusting. Maul shrugged and figured it would do the job. He pulled the ancient behemoth into the bedroom. There My Apprentice lay on the floor. She looked up groggily from her nap at the vacuum, but only yawned. Maul had never used it before, so she had no idea what it was.
That is, until Maul turned it on.
The noise issuing from the monstrosity was shattering, and it made the floor rumble. The light on the front of the vacuum was a hypnotizing eye. It moved towards My Apprentice swiftly, growling with the might of a dragon.
My Apprentice spat and hissed and howled and ran, then buried herself under Maul's bed for the rest of the day.
A brisk knock on the door sounded promptly at 2 p.m., just as his master had foreseen. Maul took a deep breath and opened the door.
"Hiya roomie!" belted a cheerful voice from the beige-clad man at the door.
No no no no no this cannot be!
"I'm Lio," the padawan said and grabbed Maul's hand for a shake. Maul pulled his hand back and hissed.
"Oh, I like caught you in a bad mood," Lio gushed. "That's like sooo good, because then I can, like, see your bad side right off! This is, like, soooo great! We, like, won't have a honeymoon period."
Beige t-shirt, beige shorts, and--oh my Force--taupe Birkenstocks. Maul gagged.
"Lio?" Maul managed.
"Yep!" he replied. "Lio-Nardeaux Di'Capreeo, Padawan of the Jedi Academy."
"And...who is your master?"
The twit's blandly good-looking face brightened. "Adi Gallia," he replied.
Maul visibly slumped and stepped aside. Lio pranced into the apartment, making chirruping exclamations about how cute the apartment was and all it needed was a little love and cream paint and lace curtains and...
"NOOOO!" Maul yelled and grabbed the padawan by the shoulders. "If you love, paint, curtain, or in any way change this apartment, I will cut off your insipid braid and hang you by it!"
"Awwwww!" the padawan cried and stepped from Maul's grasp. "C'mon just a couple of doilies!"
Maul's eyes began to glow with pure, unadulterated rage. He growled, low in his throat, sharp ruined teeth bared for Lio to see.
"Ewwwww! Your teeth are gross! Don't you brush them?"
"No!" Maul snarled and raised his hand and Force-grabbed his lightsaber. He ignited one side and moved the glowing red blade close to Lio's braid. "Try me, twit. You'll be hanging from the steam room pipes before you could even buy a valance."
Lio made an exasperated sound in his throat, struck a pose, one hand on his hip, and rolled his eyes. "Fine, if you're, like, going to make a fuss about it. I'll just have to, like, make sure the good taste stays in my room."
"Good," Maul replied and deactivated his lightsaber. "You'll stay alive longer that way."
"Well," Lio said in lilting tones and clapped his hands. "It's time to move in. Oh boys!" he called out.
To Maul's astonishment, large men clad in leather began to haul in boxes and assorted furniture, most of which went into the extra bedroom that was now Lio's. One muscle-bound, mustachioed gentleman towered over Maul by a good six inches. He gaped.
"Aren't they, like, dreamy?" Lio gushed. Maul merely growled.
"Oh, like, no need to be jealous," Lio giggled. "We're, like, roomies now. What's mine is yours. You can borrow one anytime you like."
Maul gave each man a good scan as they moved Lio's belongings into the apartment. Even though every one of them were handsome and perfectly shaped, Maul could tell they collectively had the IQ of a Mandalorian bloodfruit.
"No thanks," he said to Lio.
"Like, wow, you must be really picky," Lio sing-songed. Then he smiled pointedly at Maul. "Or straight."
Obi-Wan chose that moment to poke his head through the door. "What the fook's going on, Maul?"
Lio's eyes sparkled with interest. "Obi-Wan Kenobi," he sang and batted his eyelashes. "Like, what are you doing here?"
"Err..." Obi-Wan replied. "I live next door. Maul?"
"Obi-Wan, you know Lio..." Maul muttered. "Lio is my new roommate."
Obi-Wan's eyes widened. "Aw shite," he said.
Lio sneezed and then sniffed. He sneezed again. He scratched his cheek in a way that reminded Obi-Wan of Fluffi-Wan scratching his cheekpockets with his back paw, and then sneezed three times in a row, violently.
"Maul," he said nasally. "Do you have a cat?"
"Yeah," Maul replied.
"Oh noooo!" Lio cried. "I'm..." achoo! "...allergic..." achoooo! "...to cats..."
Maul pulled his lips into a grimacing smile. "Get some allergy medication or find someplace else to live. My cat stays."
Lio went into a fresh fit of sneezing as a crash resounded from the hallway, then a piercing screech.
"Awwwww fuuuuuhhhcccckkk!!! Who left this here, dammit!" Maul heard Cyn shrieking in the hallway. She stomped to Maul's doorway, covered in what seemed to be confetti and other assorted items which appeared to be rotting.
"Maul, did you see anyone put a big bag of garbage in front of my apartment door?" Cyn growled.
"Why no," Maul said and did his best to look innocent, which was nearly impossible considering the tattoos and horns. "Who would do something so horrible?"
"I have no idea," Cyn replied, gave Maul a piercing glare, and stormed back to her apartment to clean up the mess.
I'm sitting here alone up in my room
And thinking about the times we've been through (oh my love)
I'm looking at a picture in my hand
Trying my best to understand
Maul paused Jedi Tomb Raider XIII. What the hell is that noise? Maul thought. He listened more closely. It was thumping from Lio's room.
Maul rose from the couch and approached the bedroom.
I really want to know what we did wrong
With a love that felt so strong
If only you were here tonight I know that we could make it right
It was pop music, that was for sure. It took a moment for Maul to place it, and at that moment of horrific realization, Lio opened his door...
I don't know how to live without your love
I was born to make you happy
'Cause you're the only one within my heart
I was born to make you happy
Always and forever you and me
It was Braht'nee Spheres, Coruscant's teen pop idol du jour. In Lio's room, lace curtains lined the windows, and the walls were plastered with Braht'nee Spheres posters. Maul gaped at how many incarnations there were of her in pink, fluffy, yet whorish glory.
"Lio," Maul began. "Aren't you gay?"
"Hmm?" Lio replied. "Oh, yes I am."
"Then what's up with the Braht'nee posters?"
"Oh those," Lio said and sneezed. "She's, like, sooo gorgeous and talented. I adore her. For me, like, to see her is to feel happy."
Two days, and he already wanted to cut Lio up and serve him up to My Apprentice (not that she was hungry--despite Lio's allergies, she had managed to whammy him into bringing her expensive, fresh fish). The day after Lio had moved in, Maul woke up to find the pizza civilizations gone from the apartment floor, but in an ungainly balancing act on the kitchen garbage can. Lio had thrown the boxes into the garbage, but had not tossed the lot into the building's dumpster.
"I cleaned them up, you toss them," had been Lio's justification.
"They were fine where they were at," Maul had retorted.
"No they weren't," Lio had replied as he had forked raw salmon into My Apprentice's bowl, stopping only to sop up his dripping nose. "This is, like, a partnership. We have to get along, and like, that means I have to be comfortable too."
Maul had retorted that roasting Lio's corpse over a spit would have made him more comfortable with the "partnership," but he had ended subduing the civilizations with his lightsaber and taking the boxes to the dumpster. To make things worse, the elevator had been broken (again), and Maul had to descend 42 flights of stairs (again). So he had gone to the Gray Side to calm himself down before having scale 42 flights of stairs (again). There he had run into Obi-Wan (again) and ended up in bed with the punked-out Padawan (again).
Maul had returned from his night of Force-driven weasel sex with Kenobi to find that Lio had sewn the rips in the sofa, vacuumed the floors, and he had been dusting with Maul's favorite Sith Lords Kick Ass t-shirt.
After Maul had chased Lio around the apartment with his lightsaber, the padawan squeaking the whole time, the following argument took place:
"That is my favorite t-shirt!"
"But I thought it was a rag. It looks like a rag."
"It was in my bedroom."
"I didn't have a rag, and I thought, like, you had one in your bedroom. It, like, looks like a rag."
"It's not a rag! It was in my laundry basket!"
"Well, like, everyone washes their rags!"
"No they don't! I don't wash my rags!"
"Well, like, you're a freak, that's why."
"And you're an anal scum-sucking toad!"
The argument had reduced to name-calling from there, ending with Lio in tears on the newly-sewn sofa, his lower lip trembling in an all-too-familiar way, and Maul stomping off to his bedroom and slamming the door.
Maul didn't know how much more he could take.
"Maul?" Lio asked, his eyes on the floor and one foot shifting nervously. "I'm...like...having a gentleman caller over tonight, and I was...uhm...like...wondering..."
"...if I could make myself scarce," he finished. He sighed, about to protest, when a thought hit him. He grinned. "Of course I'll let you have the apartment tonight. It's Friday night anyway, and that's when I go to the Gray Side for drinks. When do you need me out of here?"
Lio jumped up and down, squealing excitedly and sneezing. Then he hopped to Maul and gave him a quick hug. The Sith Lord held his bile and smiled pleasantly. "Thankyouthankyouthankyou! Raafe will be here in four hours for movie night. He said he can't wait to see my collection of Disney films!"
Maul smiled. Perfect.
The elevator was still broken, but the trips up and down the stairs would be worth it that evening. First stop, Divine Oscillations for the raunchiest lesbian pornography he could find...and if one of the stars looked like a certain teenage pop idol, so much the better. Second stop, Lio's room while the padawan primped in the bathroom...
Six hours later, a very drunk Maul and an extremely sauced Obi-Wan slammed into Kenobi's empty, and blessedly roommate-free, apartment. They were too busy ripping off each other's clothing to notice the giggling next door. But, no matter how good Obi-Wan's lips felt south of the border, there was no mistaking Lio's anguished cry minutes later.
"But, Raafe! Those are not my tapes! I swear!!! Oh, my Force, where's my Disney? Oh nooooOOOOOooooo! My dearest Braht'nee!!"
Life loves me Maul thought, and then succumbed to Obi-Wan's strong hands.
The next morning, Maul slipped back into his apartment for the extra box of Count Chocula he knew he had in his kitchen cabinet. The entry to his living room was on the way to the kitchen, and the sight Maul beheld there gave him pause.
He couldn't move. He was afraid he would wake somebody.
Bodies lay in various positions in the pre-dawn dark of the living room, but unfortunately cast enough light to show the remains of a decidedly Dionysian evening.
His roommate lay on his stomach over a pillow, a dunce cap on his head and a sign that said "Bad Padawan" in magic marker taped to his back. The only other thing he wore was a beige linen loincloth.
The other people in various scantily-clad states were Mace Windu, Qui-Gon Jinn, Yoda, and, gasp, his master.
His brain still refused to let his body move, and he had to look at the other items on the floor to keep himself from looking at their costumes. Wookiemint, chains, fuzzy handcuffs, whips, paddles, and a collection of dildos that would have put Divine Oscillations to shame.
Maul willed his mind to let him move. He knew his nightmares would be plagued by this scene. He finally moved a foot, slowly, got the other to follow, and left the apartment as quietly as he could.
After he showered himself in Obi-Wan's bathroom (scrubbing vigorously, hunched over, and crying "Must get clean...will never be clean"), he called his apartment with shaking fingers. Lio answered in a groggy voice.
"Lio," Maul said as calmly as he could manage.
"Oh hi, Maulie," Lio answered.
"Don't...call...me...that," Maul cringed. "Look, just get the people that are in the apartment OUT now."
"But Maulieeeeee..." Lio wailed.
"SHUT UP and get them out...NOW..." Maul said.
"But Maul, this is my apartment too, and these are my friends," Lio said.
"NOW or you will die, twit," Maul said and hung up.
They left eventually, but not before their ardor was stirred afresh, which Maul could hear from Obi-Wan's apartment. He grit his teeth.
Maul was too ill to plan an elaborate revenge. When he felt it was safe to enter his apartment again, he simply Force-pushed Lio into a wall and held him there while he lightsabered in half every Braht'nee Spheres CD in Lio's bedroom.
Days later, Maul was pounding on the bathroom door.
"Dammit, hurry up in there," Maul yelled. "Are you making yourself pretty for the drag queen ball or something?"
"I'll, like, be out in a minute!" Lio's muffled voice said from behind the bathroom door.
Maul sighed and sat on the couch with the latest issue of PlaySith and flipped to the centerfold of Darth Lara Croft to take his mind off his aching bladder. After what seemed to be a lifetime, the padawan left the bathroom and went to his bedroom.
My Apprentice dashed from her perch on the television to the bathroom so she could play in the bathtub. She stopped at the bathroom door, wrinkled her nose, and hid under the couch. Maul should have taken the warning to heart.
At the threshold of the bathroom, he made the mistake of taking a breath.
An hour later, he came to. Luckily for Maul, the bathroom was somewhat aired out by then. He pulled himself up into a sitting position.
"Lio!!!!" he roared.
The perky Padawan poked his head out of his bedroom. "Like, what?"
Maul lunged for him from the floor, gracefully landing on his feet as he grabbed Lio's neck tightly. Lio gasped for air, finding none.
By Ivy. Click to see larger image.
"You..." Maul said through gritted teeth, "...will not stink up the bathroom..." Lio's face turned blue, "...with your hairspray..." Maul shook him slightly to punctuate his point, "Understand?"
Lio shook his head yes as best he could through the choke hold.
"Good," Maul said and released Lio. He glared at him one more time and then went into the bathroom to finally relieve his bursting bladder. There, on the sink, was the largest can of hairspray he had ever beheld. He remembered that particular brand was well-known for using propellants which had burned a large hole in Coruscant's atmosphere. Lio must have paid quite a bit for the can.
After he washed his hands, he realized Lio had used the last of the toilet paper and hadn't replaced the empty tube with a new roll. Grumping, he fumbled under the sink for the backup roll he always stashed there. His hand knocked over something that rattled.
Frowning, Maul grabbed the rattling something and inspected it.
It was a bottle of Perkium, labeled with Lio's name.
Maul's eyes widened, and then narrowed when he smiled in a most malicious way. He knew he had leftover yellow Skittles in the kitchen somewhere...
Two days later, Maul awakened to an evil noise coming from somewhere in the apartment. He stretched, yawned, and padded out of his room. My Apprentice was standing in front of Lio's door, fur puffed in blowfish form. She looked at Maul as he concentrated on the sound.
It was definitely coming from Lio's room.
Pushing, pulling me down again
Pushing, pulling me down again
It's getting bad I can't breathe
I won't let them in
I won't let them in
Crushing, pushing me down again
Crushing, pushing me down again
I need to get away
Maul frowned. Switchblade Symphony? He giggled in a very un-Sithly fashion. The Skittles were already taking effect.
Listen now to their hurting words
They rip and they do tear
Pushing out all of my hidden things
Hold my hand and take me there
Sickened eyes seem to mesmerize
They're melting as they glow
Memorize your alibis
They're laughing in the snow
Maul opened Lio's bedroom door and just stared. His blonde hair was dyed black. Gobs of thick eyeliner and mascara ringed his eyes. A mesh t-shirt and black spandex. 20-hole Doc Martens. Silver earring in left ear connected to nosering via chain. Self-loathing and desperation coming off of him in waves.
Maul would have found him unendurably alluring had he not looked like Robert Smith after a five-day heroin bender.
"Hey Lio," Maul greeted quite cheerily. "What's with the image change?"
Lio sneered. "I must've been outta my fuckin' mind. Do you know what I had on my walls?" He grunted and held up the contraband can of hairspray. He flicked a lighter on, then depressed the hairspray trigger. A stream of fire lit across the bedroom, setting a Braht'nee Spheres poster alight.
Maul bit back a guffaw and nodded.
"I don't know what came over me, but I'm fine now," Lio said. "I think the Happy Farm gave me some bad Mood Menders or some shit." He paused to spray fire-extinguishing foam all over the charred poster. It added to the ambiance of the room.
The walls were partially scorched, and only a few tatters of the Braht'nee Spheres posters remained. The lace curtains were shredded to bits, and black paper was taped to the windows to keep light out. Lit black candles covered every available steady surface. Maul started to walk to the living room when another thought struck him and he turned back to his roommate.
"Hey, you like coffee?"
"Yeah I do."
"I'll be right back."
Maul went to the balcony, hopped over to Obi-Wan's balcony, and then Forced the sliding glass door open. He copied Obi-Wan's movements at the coffee machine, and was rewarded with a beautiful cup of thick Turkish coffee. He re-locked the door behind him, and then hopped back to his balcony. When he returned, Lio was waiting for him in the living room.
"Here, try this."
"Mmm...damn good," Lio said after he bolted back the coffee. He sat down on the couch, head back, listening to the music wail.
People climbing up the walls
Breaking all of my wretched dolls
Fingernails they scratch outside
In the attic is where I'll hide
People climbing up the walls
Breaking all of my wretched dolls
Fingernails they scratch outside
In the attic is where I'll hide
I won't let them in
"Oh yeah," he said. His head suddenly snapped up, pupils dilating in a disturbing fashion. Quicker than a flash, he was up from the couch and in his room, furiously throwing various things into a black leather backpack. However, Maul was able to catch the glimmer from a can of spraypaint and a small box of razors. Lio then pulled open a drawer and flung pink meshy clothing around, digging towards the bottom. Finally, he unearthed something black. Lio smiled, the dark purple lipstick a clown's gash on his pale skin. He put the black cloth over his hand, and Maul saw it was a glove, with razorblades sewn into the tips of the fingers.
"Dangerous nails for a dangerous mood, don't you think, Maul?"
"Very good, Lio," Maul replied. "Did you make that?"
"Yeah," Lio laughed nervously. "I'm a regular Dartha Stewart."
Maul bit back another laugh as an image of Dartha Stewart as a self-loathing goth came to his mind.
"Oh, look at the time," Lio said, twitching and eyeing his bedside clock. "I'm going to be late for class."
"You're going looking like that? You'll get hauled back to Happy Farms for sure."
"I'll be fucked if I care. Adi can kiss my ass," he said with a sneer and got up from the floor. As he walked out of his bedroom, his hand smashed down, nails first, into the bedside clock. It sizzled and sparked, a ruin of plastic. He then left, tattered black leather backpack slung over one arm. Maul noticed with a great deal of satisfaction that the frightening Padawan was shaking.
Maul laughed heartily when he was sure Lio was out of earshot. Lio off of his happy pills was a dangerous thing. Lio off happy pills and hopped up on espresso was a walk on the Dark Side.
Four hours later, a very angry Adi Gallia and a slew of Jedi apprentices descended upon Maul's apartment to collect Lio's things.
"It's really too bad he had to go back to Happy Farms," Maul said to Adi. "Won't he be back?"
"No," Adi replied. "He'll be going to Tatooine after he is released."
"Ah," Maul said and decided to not seek out details. He didn't care whether Lio was sent to Agricorps or to a moisture farm as slave labor, as long as he wasn't sent back to Maul's apartment. The twit was out of his life, and thus Maul was satisfied.
A Jedi apprentice approached Adi with the bottle of Perkium. Adi opened the bottle and sniffed.
"I think that's why Lio freaked out," the apprentice noted. Adi nodded and pocketed the Skittle-filled bottle.
"Then Lio doesn't have to go to Tatooine?" Maul nudged further.
"Yes he does," Adi said. "He invoked the Dark Side today. He is not allowed back on Coruscant."
Maul repressed the urge to let out a low whistle. The coffee had worked quite well. I am hot shit Maul thought as the phone rang.
"Maul," said his master in a silken tone. "I just received news of Lio's recent...unfortunate behavior."
"Yes, my ma..." Maul said and looked at Adi. "My guardian. Master Gallia is here with a few students."
"I trust you had something to do with this."
"Yes," Maul said and snuck another look at Adi. She was staring at Maul pointedly. "I wish he were back. I miss him so already."
"I thought so," Palpatine chuckled. "Too bad he's being shipped off permanently. The Jedi Academy will be spending quite a few credits on repairing the meditation gardens. They are completely destroyed. Maul, my sources tell me he actually was able to summon up purple lightening. Ten padawans and three Jedi knights were fried. Good work, my apprentice."
"Thank you," Maul said. Purple lightening? Once he slew his master, he knew he would have to travel to Tatooine and make Lio his apprentice.
Dammit, Adi was still looking at him with that suspicious gleam. "Some ice cream would help the pain of losing such a good roommate."
"Don't push it," Palpatine chortled. "Or I will find you a replacement roommate." He then hung up. Maul pushed back a growl and managed to set the phone down without smashing it.
The apprentices were finished gathering Lio's things and were filing out of the apartment. Adi shot Maul on last glance, and then headed out.
He was alone, the apartment was livable, and life was once again good. Maul sighed and sat on the mended couch. A knock on the door drew him out of his blissful reverie.
When he answered the door, he was greeted by a smiling Obi-Wan with a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream, a pair of Hello Kitty nipple clamps, and a latex bridle.
"I heard about your roommate," Obi-Wan said. "Wanna fuck?"
Maul replied with a growl and dragged Kenobi into the apartment.
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