Apologies to Dr. Seuss
by Ishyko (firstname.lastname@example.org)
and Vyola (email@example.com)
Forty-two floors up the Coruscant Tower
Maul stood on his balcony, eyes all a'glower.
The incessant squeaking and moans coming through
Had him gnashing his teeth, thinking bantha poodoo.
'Drunk I must be,' thought the Sith lord, still sober.
'I'll drink and I'll drink until their fest is over.'
He tipped back the bottle, drank deep and then spit.
"Fuck! It's his Guinness, not Pete's--this is shit!"
"I'll not stand here and listen to padawans prattle
In love chains where spankings induce such a rattle.
So what if he's faking the pleasure he gets?
At least that's what he told me when last we had met."
My Apprentice meowed, and then sneered, and thought,'Jealous?
For I've got a bet going here with the fellas
Who live at the Senate and manage to sway
Senators into voting the Palpatine Way.'
'Well, fuck you,' thought Maul. 'Yes. Fuck you and your kittens.
If I had my way you'd be turned into mittens.
I don't need your comments about my amours.'
And he spun on his heel and then stalked back indoors.
Maul flipped on some music which blasted the speakers
Yet failed to drown out their cries, making him bleaker.
He moved to the kitchen and poured out some shots
Of tequila, and slammed them, and thought up a plot
To get rid of that Qui-Gon, that hippie, that freak.
That would leave Obi-Wan at Maul's mercy, all weak.
His yellow-red eyes began burning with hope.
My Apprentice just laughed and said, "Have some more rope
"To go hang yourself with, you pathetic Sith Lord
Although watching you suffer keeps me far from bored.
Why not take up your saber and cleave him in two
Because that's what a real evil dark lord would do.
"It's obvious that you are still deep in denial
For you choose to stay here, mope and brood, all the while
Your neighbor indulges in one more escapade.
So go, I say go, yes, go out and get laid!"
Maul glared, and then stopped, and regarded his cat
"Despite your sarcasm there's some truth in that.
There's a planet out there filled with potential lays.
I'll score me a dozen to do in a day!"
He donned his dark leather and pulled up the cowl
As the cries of a climax next door made him scowl.
He fled his apartment as if chased by a wookie
Repelled by the sounds of hot padawan nookie.
'He'll be back,' the cat thought. 'For he can't stay away.
Maul's addicted to love. Love the Obi-Wan way.
That boy's in denial, so far and so deep.'
Then she yawned, and she sighed, and she curled up to sleep.
He roamed the dark streets and he searched high and low
Wondering where, by the Force, does a horny Sith go
When in need of distraction, revenge, and cheap sex
Without Force-driven lust romps and special effects.
So he walked and he walked and soon found himself glaring
At the Gray Side's front door, his demeanor just daring
The beings within to take note and to comment
On Maul's Obi-less state -- he'd tell them "get bent!"
The bartender smiled, waved, and said without spite
'Hey Maul where's--' 'He's not my--' '--your boyfriend, yeah right,"
Said the bartender rolling his eyes as he reached
And plunked down a Pete's Ale, this one flavored with peach.
Maul slammed back his beer; there was no time to talk
For the dance floor was filling with fresh meat to stalk.
He padded and prowled with a panther-like grace
Checking asses and bosoms and the occasional face.
He was groped, he was pawed, he was felt up and goosed
He was high on revenge feeling lusty and loose.
Maybe this one! No, that one! Or maybe all three!
"I'm having an orgy! Who's coming with me?"
A stampede ensued as all made for the door.
Maul'd wanted a dozen. He'd make time for more.
Out to the streets and then back to the Tower
Maul grinned a Sith grin at his sexual power.
They went up and still up forty-two flights of stairs.
A few did not make it but Maul thought, 'Who cares?
I've got more than enough fucks to last me the night.
Let that twit padawan see just now who's hot shite!'
With a murderous glance at the pink door beside him,
He smiled and then opened his door to invite them
To come in and sample the pleasures Chez Maul.
They were anxious and willing--yet stayed in the hall.
Though they whimpered and whined, though they pushed and they shoved
They could not cross the threshold for Maul's night of love.
Then they stopped, and they stared and he'd sensed they'd cooled down
Since they turned and they left, leaving Maul with a frown.
'Life hates me,' he thought and he slammed shut his door
Still frustrated and horny, his dick feeling sore.
That's when he felt yet another Force presence.
'Oh yes. Where's my cat? Where the hell's My Apprentice?
'She set me up good with her teases and taunts
And so made me revisit my usual haunts.
Mind whammying me! Yeah, she's such a sly puss.
Set me up, knocked me down, made me feel like a wuss.
'Now I'm stuck here tonight and with no one to fuck
Goddamn it to hell! I've go the Sith's own bad luck!'
He stripped to his shorts, to his 'love my lightsabers'
He'd call it a loss and seek revenge on her later.
So he'd go and he'd sleep. 'Twas the second best thing
He could do in his bed besides make the twit sing.
The lights he flipped on in his bedroom then froze
At the stunning tableau before him. His hopes rose.
For there on his bed atop the black silken sheet
Lay a nude Obi-Wan, bound spread-eagled and neat.
The Jedi leered and he smirked...and then he did favor
Maul with a wink as he murmured, "Hi, neighbor."
Maul woobled and sighed but then stiffened his spine.
"Left Qui-Gon in your bed when you snuck into mine?
Or perhaps a good whammy to make him come here,
Strip you down, tie you up," he said with a sneer.
The Jedi laughed softly with an enticing smile,
"With the Force, I did this to myself all the while
Waiting here...lying here...just thinking of you,
Your strong hands, your warm tongue and the things that we do."
The wooble grew stronger and had to compete
With the anger inside him at that twit's deceit.
"You think I'm so desperate I'd take sloppy seconds-"
"No Maul, I don't think that," he said low and beckoned
The Sith lord to come further on into the room
With his eyes and his sighs and his pale writhing form
"I can't deny Qui-Gon, my master, it's true
But I'll not have you screwing the masses when you
"Should be here and partaking of all that I give
Just to you (and to Qui-Gon), 'cause you make me live
For the moments we share so again I'm not having
You share your fine self with those morons and laughing!"
"Then 'twas you who had whammied the throng in the hall
Keeping them from exquisitely samp'ling Chez Maul!"
"Oh gee, yes, you see, that was me," Obi said
With false sorrow, "In fact I would see them all dead
"If they'd taken one step, stepped one toe into your
Own apartment!" he hissed, blazing eyes green-azure.
Maul opened his mouth to retort and then stopped
For the fire in Obi-Wan's eyes made him hot.
Maul's eyes opened wide, in surprise at the thought
That popped into his head, a thought he had not sought.
It appeared that Kenobi was suffering deep
In the throes of dark jealousy. Maul's heart gave a leap.
'I can make him as crazy as his actions made me
Since that form of revenge suits a Sith to a T.'
And as Maul came at long last to this realization
Grew a yen to inspire Obi's vocalization.
So then using the Force, Maul pulled tight on the ties.
Making Obi-Wan gasp. Making Obi-Wan sigh.
The woobles took over and Maul then attacked
The delectable feast lying prone on his back.
'Oh yes! I'm hot shit!' exclaimed Maul with a roar
Inside Obi-Wan's mind, Obi moaning, "Yes...more."
And the two then went at it with such energy
To scream and to claw in entwined synergy.
And so one wall over (not that one) at Maul's,
My Apprentice was lounging and licking her paws
In satisfaction, a right Sithly state.
For regarding Maul's pref'rence there could be no debate.
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