Sex, Lies, and Qui-Gon's Alderaanian Express Card
by Katherine the Art Chick
artchick@geocities.com

With a special thank you to Darth J. Landry, Siubhan, and Brian, for betaing the interminable drafts of the story, and with a special apology for taking Kermit's name in vain. All those Star Wars people belong to George Lucas.

"And now," the perky announcer's voice chirped over the loudspeakers, loudly enough for Maul to hear over the grinding of his teeth, "the Coruscant Ice Capades is proud to present Andrew Lloyd Weber's 'Cats' on ice!"

Sadistic prick! Maul groused internally.

"Check out the thighs and the glutes on that one!" Sidious said, all but slobbering. Maul hated when Sidious slobbered, which, come to think of it, was most of the time--it invoked that parental sex squick response.

"Yes, master," Maul groaned, wondering if the concession stand sold Hamster Death Gulps.

Sidious scowled and wondered how to further hone Maul's rage without wasting precious drool time. "Maul!" Darth Sidious ordered. "I must have expensive memorabilia! Buy me the T-shirt, in black. And a shot glass. Put it on your credit card." Maul growled. Sidious only smirked and looked around the empty senate box. Yes, Sidious reflected, Maul needs to learn the lessons in rage and hatred that only a credit card can bring. Perhaps later he would have false information implanted into Maul's credit report. Yes. Even if the information was patently false, like defaulted student loans for the Jedi Temple or the repossession of a car Maul had never owned, the information could plague his record for years. What with the collection agencies calling, Maul's rage should be nicely honed in no time!

Grumbling, Maul stomped down to the souvenir stand. He slammed that aging hippy Qui-Gon's Alderaanian Express Platinum Card down on the counter and demanded a black shirt and a shot glass with the patented glare. The Toydarian at the counter ran the card through, then gave Maul a cryptic look and disappeared in the back.

***

Life HATES me, Maul thought, as his attorney, Yoda, prattled on. At least Yoda had brought him a burger and a 7 UP. In fact, that was the only reason Maul hadn't demanded another attorney. He wondered idly if slaying his attorney inside a jail would be bad for his chances of avoiding prison.

"Found with credit card you were! Plea bargain you should! Perhaps lucky you will get, cute the judge will think you, bargain you can strike, hmmm?" The horrid little troll cackled obscenely and jabbed Maul in the ribs.

"Moonlighting again?" Maul grumbled snarkily.

"Pays like shit, the temple does! Afford fine underthings I cannot!"

"TMI!!!!" Maul groaned, suddenly no longer hungry. And the nasty little muppet had brought lunch, not Pepto-Bismol. He wondered if projectile vomit would appropriately express his distaste.

"When 800 years old YOU reach, look as good in a garter belt and push-up bra you will not!"

Maul wondered if it was possible for one to pluck out one's mind's eye. Then he wondered if killing the muppet would be worth life in prison. Then he thought of life in prison with no hot, sweaty, force-driven Obi-Wan nookie and decided it would be better to kill the little gnome when there were no witnesses and a better escape route.

Qui-Gon and Mace Windu arrived, looking menacing... for Jedi.

"Hey, keep on chillin'..." Mace Windu said. "You mind if I eat some of your tasty burger?"

"Fuck off," Maul snarled. Not that he cared. He was permanently off his lunch.

"Hey, you know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese on Nal Hutta? They call it a Royale with Cheese. Why do you think they call it that?"

Maul rolled his eyes. Stupid Jedi. Didn't he notice Maul wasn't playing along?

"Because of the metric system?" Qui-Gon suggested.

"Check out the big brain on Qui-Gon!" Master Windu said, picking up Maul's burger. "Damn right. You one smart motherfucker! ...Mmm, this is one tasty burger! Do you mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash it down with?"

"Go ahead," Maul snarled. "Make 7 UP yours." Cheerfully oblivious, Mace slurped down a large quantity of 7 UP.

"If you're hungry, we can get lunch on the way out," Qui-Gon observed. Mace waved him into silence.

"Into the acid he has gotten again!" Yoda exclaimed, bonking Mace over the head with his stick.

"The Matrix is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to keep you from the truth," Mace said. "It is a prison for your mind!"

Maul smirked. Windu had good taste in movies... for a Jedi.

Yoda bonked Mace on the head with his stick again. "Next time, the blue pill you should take!"

"Cut that out!" Qui-Gon said. "You'll give him a bruise or something!"

Oh no, Maul thought sarcastically, we can't have that! He rolled his eyes.

"Oh, Rhett!" Mace cried, grabbing Qui-Gon. "Without you, wherever will I go? Whatever will I do?"

Maul took back that thing he thought about Windu having good taste in movies.

Qui-Gon decided that his boyfriend needed a nice, soothing place to trip in peace. Jails were a bad scene. But before he took Mace home, he needed to decide what to do about that credit card. He would love nothing more dearly than seeing this tattooed miscreant with poor dental hygiene locked away from Obi-Wan for a very long time, but, on the other hand, Obi-Wan would likely sulk for years. He might even request a transfer to another master, or, worse, drop out of the program. Even Obi-Wan asking him politely to pretty please with sugar on it not press charges against his boyfriend was an intolerable notion.

"The credit card was recovered, wasn't it?" Qui-Gon asked Yoda, patting Mace on the back comfortingly.

"Have it, the police do," Yoda said reassuringly.

Well, it was only money. If it were HIS money, avoiding problems with his padawan might be worth it, but it wasn't. Well, that made it easier. Let the person responsible for the card decide. Then if Maul went to prison it wouldn't be his fault, anyway.

"As long as the card is recovered, and Elspeth--my, um, sister--isn't responsible for the charges, well, I guess I can live without lightsabering his ass. Since she's responsible for the bills, I think she should decide what do with Maul. I'll have her contact you." He tugged at Mace. "Come on, Scarlett, we'll get you some food."

"As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again!" Mace proclaimed as Qui-Gon pulled him out of the room. Maul inwardly vowed to Just Say No.

***

Qui-Gon sighed heavily and dialed the vidphone.

It rang.

And rang.

And rang.

And was finally answered by a blonde woman wrapped in a silky robe. "I hope this is important," she grumbled. "I've got the most luscious young man waiting for me in the bedroom."

"Damn, I HATE when that happens," Qui-Gon sympathized. "I'll hurry. Someone stole my... your... THE credit card."

"So?" she answered. "Lock him up! Throw away the key!"

"Well, it's slightly more complicated than that. Suffice to say that I was hoping you'd come deal with it instead of me."

Elspeth groaned. "Don't be such a flake! You can press charges against a thief! I don't care how pathetic a lifeform he is."

"It's complicated," Qui-Gon sulked stubbornly.

"So you want ME to throw him in jail."

"I want you to come speak to his attorney, Master Yoda, and to do what you think is best," Qui-Gon said piously.

"Is he cute?" Elspeth asked.

"Ew!" Qui-Gon answered.

"Not Master Yoda--I met him at La Bare all male review last time I was on Coruscant and we went trolling for eye candy together. I already KNOW he has the sex appeal of Kermit the frog. Is the THIEF cute?"

"EW!"

"Well, darling, you DID say to do what I thought was best..."

Qui-Gon ground his teeth. He had a very bad feeling about this.

"Are you sure you want me to deal with this for you?" Elspeth asked sweetly.

"I rely upon your judgement," Qui-Gon said solemnly.

Damn, Elspeth thought. It was unlike Qui-Gon to not rise to the bait. Maybe she should give this thief a piece of her mind.

***

Maul, in the prison yard, hoisted the dumbbell into a bicep curl and pondered his situation with annoyance. He was in his seventh rep when a voice called out, "You!"

Maul finished his reps, sat the dumbbell down, and looked up into a vision of loveliness. Granted, she was more of a Marilyn Monroe than a Darth Lara Croft, dressed in her demure yet tight sweater dress and pearls, and yet... Maul thought she had a great rack. Some of the other prisoners in the yard were giving her long looks themselves.

"I'm Elspeth Jinn," she said. "I believe you took my credit card. You should be ashamed of yourself, stealing from Jedi masters!" She gave his bare torso a long look and added, "Have you no shame?"

Instinctively, he waved his hand and said, "You will drop the charges against me."

She burst out laughing. "I'm Elspeth Jinn. Qui-Gon's baby sister. You're not going to whammy me."

That's what you think, Maul thought. He bet she'd never been up against a Mary Sue and Dartha style lust whammy. In fact, pondering how vexed Qui-Gon would be, perhaps making her drop the charges out of lust would be a plus. You want me, Maul sent as a whammy. You want me bad. Her eyes glazed over slightly. Score!

"I'm very angry about your stealing from my... brother," she said, obviously distracted. She didn't sound particularly angry. The whammy had almost taken complete hold.

"I don't have money," Maul said, sending an extra whammy for good measure.

"Oh, I can cover the bill," she said. "I'm more concerned about your doing it again. What kind of guarantee can you give me that you won't?"

"Why don't you drop the charges against me so we can find out?" Maul asked, sending yet another lust whammy.

"I'll drop the charges against you so we can find out," she said.

***

Three martinis and a couple of little yellow pills later, Elspeth was throwing herself at Maul shamelessly. Maul, on the other hand, was unsure that he wanted to sleep with some relative of Qui-Gon's who carried a martini shaker in her purse.

"Why don't you slip into something more comfortable?" Elspeth asked, reaching over to pull off Maul's "Sith Lords Kick Ass" t-shirt. "Like, say, nothing?"

Damn, Maul thought, she moves fast! He wondered if the Jinn family code was, "If it has a pulse, nail it!" Getting out of jail with the charges dropped was one thing, but now he had to get this Jinn bimbo off his tail. Maul would be damned if he was actually going to put out--to Qui-Gon's sister, no less--for the privilege of her dropping the charges. He'd just as soon fuck a muppet! Oh wait, he'd actually done that... but he wasn't doing this!

Besides, Obi-Wan would kill him.

"Oh, come on," Elspeth said, climbing into Maul's lap. "I want to see how far down the tattoos go." Maul growled, and Elspeth giggled in delight. Maul glared, and it just seemed to turn her on. Ew. Nightmare-like, he suddenly had a vision of him running around the bed chased by a lustful Elspeth Jinn. He idly wondered if belching loudly, or using the Force to make her think he had terrible breath and B.O. would cool her ardor. Then he remembered that Qui-Gon was doing Palpatine. Ew! Jinns probably all had low, low standards.

Elspeth grabbed her tiny little purse and started digging through it. "Ah, shit!" she said, and pulled out... her martini shaker, a Barbie dressed in faux leather leading a Ken around on a leash, a box of bonbons, a View Master, several Carole King CDs, a battery-powered vibrator, several tubes of lipstick, some "Mr. Potato Head" pieces, a lava lamp, a yo-yo, handcuffs, tampons, and... "Aha!" she cried triumphantly, pulling out an economy size box of condoms. Maul wondered if her purse was like the Doctor's TARDIS or something.

Well, he had half-planned on whammying her into thinking they had had sex, anyway. Now was as good a time as any.

***

There was a knock at the door, and Elspeth went to answer it. Oh, joy, it was Qui-Gon. Maul was thrilled that his opportunity to escape without slaying her had arrived... he would probably be a suspect. And Qui-Gon would no doubt be vexed, Maul reflected gleefully.

"Please, for the love of the Force, tell me you didn't sleep with that tattooed freak," Qui-Gon said. Maul sat back and soaked up the vexation.

"Why not?" Elspeth asked, genuinely befuddled. Then she looked contrite. "Oh, no, darling! was he yours?"

"Ew!" Qui-Gon said. "Like that would stop you!"

"It would!" Elspeth protested. "Well, unless he was really really cute and you weren't that fond of him." Maul fought back a smirk.

"No, he's involved with my padawan, and while I'd be delighted to see them break up, I'd rather it NOT be because he's now dating my mother!"

"Ixnay on the othermay!" Elspeth hissed, but it was too late.

Mother? Maul thought. Qui-Gon is sixty years old! And she's his MOTHER? "Mother?"

"I've had a little work done," Elspeth admitted with a mischievous grin. "I've considered telling people he's my father."

I should have known that rack was fake, Maul thought, bounding to the bathroom to puke. Elspeth followed him, so Qui-Gon followed her. Unfortunately, the sounds of puking didn't drown out the rest of the conversation.

"And who will you say your mother is? Mace?" Qui-Gon asked sarcastically.

"Can't we say that you thought mother was a really good drag queen?"

"M... Elspeth!" Qui-Gon whined in a deep baritone.

"Oh, come on, sweetie! Didn't I get you your own place when Mace said that if you were going to pick up boys you had to get your own pad? Didn't I buy you a car when your red VW Microbus finally died? Didn't I give you a credit card specifically so you could buy nice lingerie for your boyfriends? Didn't I bail you out of jail when you charged drugs on said credit card?"

Qui-Gon grumbled. Maul flushed the toilet and rinsed out his mouth. Blech. He still thought he tasted cooties. Maybe he should take a long shower when he got home.

"You want me to make it up to you, baby?" Elspeth asked, digging in her purse. "I've got prescription painkillers from my last surgery, and I'm willing to share!"

What a great Mommy! Maul thought. Someone call Child Protective Services!

"Martinifest!" Qui-Gon suggested cheerfully.

Maul decided this was his cue to leave these losers. If he wanted dysfunctional family bonding, he could go have another holiday meal with Sidious, Dartha, and the Sidispawn. Without a word he stood and stalked to the door.

"Oh, and I've been MEANING to give you this lava lamp!" Elspeth said as Maul slammed the door.

Great! Maul thought. He can use it as a butt plug!

***

Maul knocked on Obi-Wan's door, delighted that he had managed to escape untouched--so to speak.

The door opened. "Maul!" Obi-Wan said joyfully, throwing his arms around his boyfriend. "Where have you..." he trailed off.

*sniff*

Oh, shit.

*sniff*

Obi-Wan stiffened, pulled away, and glared. "Who is she?"

Life hates me, Maul groused to himself.

***

Maul tried to concentrate. The Jedi's anger felt SO GOOD, though. It was like a rare, exotic drug. Better than Pete's. Better than coffee. Better than sex. Well, better than most sex...

"Maul!" Obi-Wan snarled. "Pay attention!" He grabbed Maul's shoulders and shook. "Who... is... she?"

"Qui-Gon's mother."

"What?"

"I stole her credit card. Well, it was Qui-Gon's, but she pays the bill. She said she would drop the charges if I..." He trailed off.

"Oh, I'm sure it was just terrible for you," Obi-Wan said sarcastically.

"Nothing happened!" Maul shouted angrily.

"Then why do you smell like her?" Obi-Wan accused.

No wonder Sith don't do relationships.

"Fine," Maul said angrily. If Obi-Wan wanted to believe it, then fine. "I fucked her. Happy?"

Obi-Wan looked at him for a moment, and then his lower lip started to tremble. "I guess I'm just as angry with myself as I am with you," he said, with just a bit too much melodrama. Maul hadn't heard that tone since the padawan had quit taking Perkium. Suspicious, he remained silent. Obi-Wan sighed, and said, "While you were gone I fucked Qui-Gon."

"You did not," Maul answered, with flat disbelief.

"I did!" Obi-Wan insisted. He sniffled slightly for effect. "I know it can't possibly work, but sometimes... just sometimes... I miss him."

Maul didn't like the sound of this. Oh, he didn't believe for a minute that Obi-Wan had slept with Qui-Gon, but Obi-Wan almost sounded like he meant the missing part. Maul scowled. "Besides, I DID tell you his cock is huge, didn't I?" Obi-Wan continued disingenuously. "He can touch his clavicle."

"Now I know you didn't fuck him," Maul said, trying not to wince.

"Maybe I should go fuck him again right now!" Obi-Wan said.

"Maybe you should," Maul said. As if he would!

"Denial!" Obi-Wan said, and showed Maul the door on the way out.

Maul briefly considered slaying Obi-Wan, but then, whom would he screw? The things a Sith puts up with for hot sex, he grumbled internally, and went to his own apartment to get a Pete's.

***

Qui-Gon opened the door, smelling faintly of martinis, and found his apprentice on his doorstep, looking grim. "Are you... come in."

Obi-Wan came in, and Qui-Gon shut the door behind him. "Master, will you do me a favor?"

"Sure."

"Will you give me a hickey?"

Qui-Gon smirked slightly. "Is there a reason you're requesting I perform this... terrible chore?"

"I told Maul we had sex while he was in jail," Obi-Wan admitted.

"I see."

"You know why, don't you?"

"She IS my mother, and it WAS my credit card. I'm surprised he told you."

"He didn't." Obi-Wan sighed. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked. This isn't fair of me to use you like this, with our history..."

"Oh, use me," Qui-Gon said. "I live for cheap thrills."

"Master!"

"Oh, it's not that I don't miss you, but I can either sulk that you dumped me or give you a hickey. The hickey sounds like more fun. And if I get too despondent, I can drown my sorrows in a six pack of beer and a dime bag."

Obi-Wan thought about it. "I have to admit there's a certain twisted logic at work."

"Great! You want a beer? and are you sure you just need ONE hickey?"

***

Obi-Wan, sitting between Qui-Gon's legs, gingerly took a sip of beer, so as not to disturb Qui-Gon's methodical work. Qui-Gon continued his work on the back of Obi-Wan's neck. Obi-Wan put down the beer and picked up a hand mirror to study the progress.

"I don't know," Qui-Gon said. "All these hickeys above the neckline of your shirt and none below? I think it looks a little suspicious. Maybe you should take your shirt off."

"I think you're enjoying your work a little too much," Obi-Wan observed.

"Me? Not me," Qui-Gon said innocently. "Just doing you a little favor, that's all. I just want to make sure that if I go to all this trouble I do it right."

"Yeah, right," Obi-Wan said, and removed his shirt.

***

Obi-Wan admired the mass of hickeys on his torso in the hand mirror. Qui-Gon looked up from his slurping and said, "We might need to get some munchies. You're tasty, but not very filling."

"You're enjoying this WAY too much," Obi-Wan observed.

"It WAS my mother, and my credit card. And it's nice work if you can get it. Hey! Maybe you need some on your inner thighs!"

"While I appreciate your sense of realism, perhaps that wouldn't be such a good idea."

"Don't you trust me?"

"I think you're trying to seduce me."

"If I were trying to seduce you I'd use my hands," Qui-Gon said, leaning over to work on a free spot on Obi-Wan's shoulder.

***

Obi-Wan took a long drag off the bong, then picked up a piece of pizza.

"Are you sure you don't need more?" Qui-Gon asked plaintively.

"I'm sure," Obi-Wan said through a mouthful of pizza.

"Oh, well, it was fun while it lasted," Qui-Gon said, picking up the bong with a slight shrug.

"Force, you're a slut!" Obi-Wan said.

Qui-Gon giggled. "Maybe you should spend the night here, in my guest room. I could pack you into a pile of my dirty clothes so you smell like me!"

"You're an evil genius, Master."

"And yet you STILL won't let me give you hickeys on your inner thighs?"

"I SHOULD just fuck you!" Obi-Wan said with an explosive sigh.

"Fine by me," Qui-Gon said cheerfully.

"I can't. I'm in love, and we're exclusive."

"Padawan, he cheated on you. All bets are off."

"Not for me."

"If I were in love with that tattooed freak, I'd be exclusive too. With my own right hand."

"Master..." Obi-Wan started threateningly.

"I can't believe he and my mother..." Qui-Gon exploded. "Can I do anything else to make it look like we slept together? Want to borrow a bottle of my lube and smear it liberally all over yourself? I can go jack off and bring you a cup of cum..."

***

Obi-Wan stumbled blearily into the kitchen, where he was startled by a blonde. Obi-Wan really dug the whole 40s starlet thing she had going on. Maybe he could do some kind of Jessica Rabbit drag number with that kind of outfit. "I'm not bad," he could see and hear himself purring, "I'm just drawn that way."

"Coffee?" she asked, handing him a cup. "I'm Elspeth, by the way, Qui-Gon's daughter."

"Daughter?" Obi-Wan asked, wondering where he could get the sheet music to that song. "Why don't you do right... like some other men do..."

"He was really drunk, and thought Mom was just a really good drag queen..." Obi-Wan nodded absently, then, when the words sunk in, looked up, startled. Maybe that would seem more likely after he drank the coffee, but he doubted it.

"So, tell me, darling... I simply have to ask... You don't like girls, do you?"

Cognitive dissonance. Maybe coffee would help. He took a sip. "Um, no thanks, I'm gay. And Qui-Gon and I used to date, so no offense, but ew." Elspeth just shrugged cheerfully.

"Maul told him you were my mother," Qui-Gon said as he wandered into the kitchen. He yawned.

"YOU'RE Qui-Gon's mother?" Obi-Wan demanded. "You know, I thought I was mad before I saw what you look like. Now I'm reconsidering whether I need those hickeys on my inner thighs."

"I'm sorry?" Elspeth said. Qui-Gon looked over at Obi-Wan hopefully.

"Nothing, I was just expecting a cute little granny in support hose, not someone who looks like... like... well, like you." He took a big sip of coffee and scowled.

"I've had a little work done," Elspeth admitted.

"A little?" Qui-Gon giggled.

"I didn't look like this when I was your age," Elspeth confided to Obi-Wan. "I was this timid, dumpy little thing married to a boring old man. I wanted children, but I had to go to the pool boy to get them, and YOW! Once I knew what I was missing, well, suffice to say that I'm making up for my misspent youth," she said with a wink. "So, you want breakfast? You'll have to promise not to tell anyone. I DID the domestic, dutiful wife thing, and I hate it."

"I promise," Qui-Gon said. "Your secret is safe with me," Obi-Wan said.

"How about omelets and french toast?" She gave Obi-Wan a long, lingering look. "You always did have the cutest boyfriends, darling" Elspeth said to Qui-Gon, conversationally. "How'd you let this one get away?"

"He wanted to settle down and raise rugrats," Qui-Gon said with a mischievous grin.

"Oh, well, never mind then," Elspeth said. "Monogamy is an unworkable paradigm. It's certainly been the bane of my existence."

"Hear, hear!" Qui-Gon said. "Free love forever! Sex, drugs, and rock and roll!"

Obi-Wan looked back and forth from mother to son, scratched his head, and took another swig of coffee.

***

"Hi, Maul," Obi-Wan said casually, pulling off his shirt to display his hickeys.

Maul did a double-take, then tried to answer with equal casualness. "Wanna fuck?"

"Nah, I gotta take a shower. I had a rough night."

"Shower? I could join you."

Oh shit, Obi-Wan thought. I should have taken Qui-Gon up on his lube offer! "No, really, I'm feeling sated at the moment, and a little sore. Guess I'm out of practice. Give me a few hours."

"Fine," Maul snarled, and left, kicking the door off the hinges on the way out. Obi-Wan just smirked to himself on the way to the shower. Score one for the Jedi!

***

Freshly scrubbed and slightly damp, Obi-Wan knocked on Maul's door. There was no answer, so he picked the lock. He opened the door, and...

"Fuck off!" Maul snarled.

"I think this has gone far enough, don't you?" Obi-Wan asked.

"I didn't fuck her!" Maul insisted angrily. "I whammied her into thinking I did because I didn't want to go to jail."

"She's a girl," Obi-Wan said. "A cute one, for a girl."

"I'm tainted enough, with your screwing both of us before you came to your senses and dumped him!" Maul frothed.

"I believe you. I didn't sleep with Qui-Gon, either. I had Qui-Gon give me a bunch of hickeys so you'd think I did." Maul's only answer was a skeptical look. "They're only from the waist up. You can check."

Maul considered this for a moment. "You HAVE showered since," he said thoughtfully. Yes, perhaps he should examine the padawan thoroughly. From head to toe. Especially below the waist.

***

Maul looked at the cheap hinges he had bought at Home Depot and the dull screwdriver one of the pizzabox civilizations had used as a sword and scowled deeply. Carpentry was rage-honing. It was even worse when Cyn set up a folding lawn chair in her front doorway, opened a beer, and sat down to watch. "Don't you have anything better to do?" he frothed maniacally, baring stained teeth at her.

"Nope," Cyn answered cheerfully.

Bracing himself, Maul asked, "Do you have a decent screwdriver?"

"What's in it for me, tall, dark, and horny?" Cyn answered with a wink and a smirk.

"Never mind!" Maul snarled.

"Okay," she said. "But I may need refreshments. This could take awhile." She got up, and returned with a plate of freshly baked cookies. Maul gritted his teeth. But the screwdriver was so dull that it wouldn't turn the screws.

"Mmmm," Cyn moaned as she bit into a cookie.

"Argh!" Maul howled, throwing the screwdriver down the hall and impaling a Pizza the Hutt pizza before it could be delivered. The delivery boy, dressed in the standard uniform (a slave girl costume), considered complaining, but after one look at Maul instead scurried away, jingling. "I'll give you five credits if you rent me your screwdriver," Maul said to Cyn, reluctantly.

"I'll lend you the power screwdriver if you use it in the buff," Cyn counteroffered.

"I'll take off my shirt for a decent, non-powered screwdriver, and give it back to you as soon as I'm done," Maul suggested.

"Deal," Cyn said.

The things a Sith will do for hot sex, Maul groused internally as he peeled his shirt off.

***

"'Niece,' you could try," Yoda suggested. "'Sister,' heh! Older than I am, you are!"

"Watch it, shorty!" Elspeth threatened. Then she smiled sweetly and took a big slurp of vanilla milkshake.

"Safe with me your secrets are," Yoda said, kicking the park bench and nibbling on his gimer stick. "Your milkshake, share it with me, you will?"

"I offered to buy you one of your own!"

"Afraid I was that the counter boy on a date would think we were."

"As if," Elspeth sniffed. "You and that nasty gimer stick habit!"

"Hmm, if gave it up I did, think perhaps date me your son would? Hunky he is!"

"I think his social calendar is pretty full."

"Share some of that free love with me, he should!" Yoda kicked the bench again. "Share some of that milkshake with me, YOU should!"

"Not a chance, shorty!" Elspeth retorted.

In unison, their heads turned as a handsome, muscular man jogged by in his shorts and running shoes and nothing else.

"Nice, his ass is!" Yoda said.

"Mmm-hmm," Elspeth said.

***

"So, Maul?" Obi-Wan asked sleepily.

Maul grunted into the back of Obi-Wan's neck.

"You think maybe in the morning you should check me for hickeys again? You know, in case you missed one?"

Maul grunted affirmatively.

The phone rang. "Sod off!" Obi-Wan told the phone. Maul picked it up anyway.

"Mr. Maul?" a stern male voice asked. Maul grunted. "I'm Jak-Nik Olsen calling on behalf of the Jedi Temple Collection Agency. I'm sorry to say that your student loans have been classified as being in default. Our records show that you have not paid on them in a year."

"Whuh?" Maul growled sleepily. Student loans? What student loans?

"If you're simply unable to make the payment of four hundred credits a month perhaps the temple could arrange a more lenient repayment plan. How much do you think you could pay a month?"

"I don't have student loans," Maul grumbled.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Maul, but that's not what our records indicate. If you wish to dispute, you will need to contact one of the major credit agencies with proof that you've already paid this bill."

Maul was suddenly awake, feeling his rage and anger build. He KNEW, deep down, that Sidious was responsible for this. He could almost hear Sidious laughing. He slammed down the phone and resisted the impulse to yell, "NoooooOOOOOOOOOooooo!!!" Perhaps it was almost time to rise up and slay Sidious. He settled back down, buried his face in Obi-Wan's neck, and began to plot his revenge.

END

(8/22/00)

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