Darth Maul vs. The Spice Girls
By Kaelia and Teza
gem-1@excite.com and teza@geocities.com

Disclaimer: Lucasfilms owns them, we just play with them...

Darth Maul stood with his feet planted wide apart, crouched down with his hands ready. His Apprentice stared at him with a bored expression. As Maul lunged forward to grab hold of the feline, she slid smoothly off to the side and out of his reach. His attempt to secure the feline unsuccessful, Maul flopped forward upon his face on his kitchen floor.

She lifted a paw and waved it with a quick 'meow,' and Maul suddenly had a revelation. "Of course, My Apprentice." He said, climbing to his feet. He took a can of tuna and opened it, setting it out for his apprentice. "You are hungry. You don't need a flea collar."

"Maul." Darth Sidious said sternly. Maul turned to his master; his eyes still dazed from the force of his apprentice's Mind Whammy. After focusing on his master, he was dazed again by the tight leather mini-skirt, fishnets, and spandex shirt the Sith sported. Dazed, and sickened.

"Yes, my master?" Maul inquired, staring at the collar in his hand in confusion. Why was it not on his Apprentice, where it belonged? The great mystery of the collar remained unraveled, however, as Sidious answered him.

"We are going to the Gray Side of the Force." Sidious informed him, cackling with glee as Maul paled till his tattoos almost looked pink.

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Maul cried, "Not again! Every time we go...."

Sidious just laughed. "Yes, my apprentice; you shall hone your hatred as you have never honed it before. Go put on those tight leather pants of yours and this shirt." Sidious handed over the bag, which Maul took warily.

The bag in his hand, Maul exited to his room, reappearing a few moments later dressed as his master had instructed. He wore the black leather pants that he had been spending so much time in and the shirt Sidious had brought for him. "Master," he complained, his hatred already rising. "You can't possibly be serious!" A silky white shirt wrapped around Maul's torso and down his arms, a frill of white gauze serving as a collar with a trail of lace dripping from his wrists.

"I think it looks nice." Sidious said smoothly, studying the result. "The contrast is simply...indescribable. And that frill!"

"We don't have to go the Gray Side of the Force if you insist I wear this," Maul growled, eyeing the distasteful shirt hatefully. "My hatred is already nearly complete just at the site of it."

Sidious looked up sharply, the effect ruined somewhat as he rearranged his mini-skirt. "You question my taste, Maul?" he asked sharply.

Yes.

"No, Master." Maul had little else to say, but the final blow had not yet arrived.

Clearing his throat, Sidious gestured towards the door. "Good; ah, I see you foresaw my arrival. That flea collar will make an excellent addition to your ensemble."

Maul, silenced, felt his hatred beginning to soar. Still silent, he seethed as he regarded the pink collar in his hand. "This, Master?"

"Yes, now hurry," Sidious murmured, glancing around the apartment for a clock. "We don't want to be late."

A question on his lips, Maul was silenced by a glare from his Master. Slowly, almost against his will, the collar went on.

Sidious grinned. "At least now you won't have to worry about flea bites."

Maul's Apprentice purred with glee as the pair left in a flurry of leather and spandex.

***

Upon entering the club, Maul discovered that the collar of his shirt had a thread lose. Glancing over to check that Sidious wasn't watching, he pulled on the thread, yanking it viciously. The string ripped right out, leaving the front section of the collar hanging loose. "Can't let a Sith look bad by having a loose collar," Maul muttered, cackling evilly as he dropped the loose thread and grasped the entire frilly mass in his hand. Pulling, he felt his hatred simmer at the sight of the frills. Ending up with the rather beaten-up looking collar in his hand, he dropped it and ground it with his heel.

Next to go was the lace: Maul 'accidentally' caught it on the corner of the bar, and tugged his arm sharply. With a loud rip, the lace came loose and Maul lurched forward. Turning to trail after his Master, he bumped into Mace Windu, spilling the Jedi's drink all over the neon spandex the dark-skinned Master was clad in.

"Now tryout you cannot!" cackled a small green creature clad in a violet leotard that defied the conventional color spectrum and a pink tutu that was echoed by Windu's now ruined outfit. "Embarrassed you would be if stained is your outfit."

Maul flashed a feral smile at Windu and his companion, more a baring of his teeth. Daring them to say anything--Go ahead, charge me for the price of that monstrosity--he moved after his Master.

"Come along Maul." Sidious instructed, standing a few feet away. He hadn't noticed Maul's missing collar and lace, or his interlude with the Jedi. "Let's check out the competition."

"Competition, Master?" Maul demanded, staring about incredulously. The bar was packed with people, most in costumes Maul had only seen in his worst nightmares. Signs promoting 'Girl Power!' hung all over, the occupants calling out the phrase at random intervals.

"All right ladies!" The announcer called from the stage, hair standing away from her head in a way Maul thought only Sith could achieve. Clad in an outfit even more outrageous than those of the competition, she bounced and shouted, "Line up, and we'll go through some basic moves!"

Sidious prodded Maul from behind to push him onto the floor, then took up a position somewhere behind and to Maul's left. "Where's Windu?" Maul heard Sidious ask of Yoda as he glanced around warily.

"Hi neighbor! You're trying out too?" That annoying, perky voice that emanated from Maul's right could only mean one person: His twit neighbor, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Maul felt his hand twitch instinctively toward his lightsaber, seething at the very sound of the voice.

Maul growled. "Trying out?"

By Mysterio Gal. Click to see larger image.

"Sure!" Obi-Wan agreed perkily, fluffing his hair. He had dyed it pink for the occasion, and sported white leather pants with a leopard-print tube-top. "For the Kesell Spice Girls! I think they're the best!"

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!" But it was too late. The doors to the club had shut, trapping Maul inside the den of polyester insanity. The clothes, the music, the company! Somewhere behind him, he heard Sidious's evil laugh. Sadistic bastard, Maul fumed. His hatred rose yet another notch.

"All right girls, lets start with some kicks! Kick those legs high! Girl Power!" The announcer demonstrated, flashing one of her many well-shaped legs in a way that got Darth Maul's attention--reluctantly.

All about him, Maul sensed and saw the people reacting instantly. Legs, or whatever appendage that applied, flashed into the air as they each attempted to outdo each other. Maul fought the oddly seductive command, casting about for a distraction. He found one, in the odd form of his neighbor.

His attention completely focused on the stage, Obi-Wan was kicking his legs with the best of them. Somewhere in the corner of his mind, Maul noted that he actually had rather nice legs. That thought slowly floated toward the fore of Maul's consciousness, and he sought for a release as he felt a surge of anger at it.

Quickly, an idea formed. Next round of kicks, as Obi-Wan was looking away, Maul finally joined in the others kicking.

He kicked to the left, he kicked to the front, he kicked to the back, he kicked to the right; "Oops," he stated simply as Obi-Wan tumbled to the floor. With a snicker, he added, "Sorry about that."

Perhaps this wouldn't be all bad. Then he glanced around again, the music forcing him to reconsider. Yes, it would.

"Very good girls!" The announcer called over Obi-Wan's cries for Qui-Gon's aid. "Now, we'll try some vocal warm ups! Repeat after me!" She made a quick, ululating cry.

Another idea formed in Maul's malevolent mind; Obi-Wan needed some help with those high-notes, another swift kick should do.

He turned to deliver the blow only to find his twit neighbor hadn't stopped kicking yet. It figured, he thought as he stepped towards Obi-Wan in order to be heard over the noise. The thought of embarrassing Obi-Wan with the revelation that the others had stopped in his mind, Maul tapped one talon on the Padawan's shoulder.

Obi-Wan turned, still kicking, to deliver one kick straight to Maul before he saw who was there. "Ohmygoodness!" Obi-Wan exclaimed in a rush, reaching forward to catch Maul as he doubled over. "I'msosorry! Areyouokay?"

Attempting to growl in his neighbor's direction, all Maul managed was a loud squeak along the lines of the announcer's earlier cry. Maul's hatred would rise, as soon as he was able to think of it. And so it did, the music and Obi-Wan's profuse apologies pounding into Maul's ears with a ferocity unmatched by anything but a Sith.

As soon as he was capable of coherent thought, Maul reached out for Obi-Wan, a red haze obscuring his vision. He was going to break that miserable Padawan's neck.

With a squeak, Obi-Wan fought to break free of Maul's grip. Unable to, he began kicking his legs in an attempt to escape.

I wonder if he works out, Maul thought, admiring Obi-Wan's legs with some corner of his mind. The rest of his mind quickly shut that part off and pummeled it into silence. Still, the idea lurked.

"Oh, excellent!" One of the announcer's partners cried. "Excellent addition of choreography you two! Can we have those three back there come forward and show us all their moves?" she asked, fingers flicking to point to Maul, Obi-wan and someone behind them.

A tiny green creature in a leotard and tutu scattered past him, Obi-Wan quickly falling in behind the Jedi master, whimpers for Qui-Gon silenced as he realized he was selected.

"Come on, sweetie!" The blonde called, encouraging Maul as the rest of the crowd slowly backed away from the two Jedi waiting impatiently at the front of the crowd.

"Yes, Maul, go on up," a voice breathed into Maul's ear from behind. Sidious grinned evilly. "Only then will your hatred be complete." As he spoke those words, he peeled off to join Windu at the bar.

Maul glanced around desperately, then was startled to realize the blonde was somehow applying a Sith Mind Whammy on him. Unwillingly drawn to the front, he finally realized how the group had become so popular in the first place.

"We're going to have you three sing our hit song for us, 'If You Wanna Be my Master'!" Maul shook his head and attempted to back up, but the crowd pressed eagerly around him. He pushed against the flow of people, but to no avail. His hatred was nearly complete, but the crowd would not part to let him go strike down his master.

He growled and pushed against the flow of people again, with no more success than he had the first time. His hand twitched again, eager to reach for his lightsaber and cut a path through, but was interrupted by an awful noise. He whipped around, certain someone was dying painfully and intent on enjoying it.

"If my Master wanna be you!" Yoda yodeled, but Obi-Wan was silent.

"I can't sing that to you!" Obi-Wan wailed over the crowd's rather vocal show of disapproval of Yoda's yodeling. "You're girls!"

Maul laughed evilly at Obi-Wan's dismay, the cruel cackle unfortunately falling in time with the beat.

"That's perfect!" The girl in the workout clothes exclaimed, clapping her hands and high kicking a few times.

"Everyone welcome our new Kesell Spice Girl, Darth Spice!" Maul felt the evil influence of the Sith Mind Whammy pushing him to join the flow of people singing and dancing. The music swelled about him, as Yoda, crying, was led away by a compassionate, sympathetic Sidious.

The site of his Master escaping caused a wave of red to sweep over Maul's vision; he would get his revenge, he had to have his revenge.

Obi-Wan reached for Maul's hand. "Come on! Let's dance!"

Maul felt his hatred soar, reaching completeness, and his hand was able to complete its earlier intent as his lightsaber ignited. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!" He swung out, igniting nearby outfits and sending a flurry of ruffles to the floor as the lightsaber arced over his head.

"Wonderful!" The last member of the group, clad in shiny black pseudo-leather, said poshly. "I knew you'd make a great addition. Those special effects with that shiny thing were really awesome. Now, sing with us!"

The Kessel Spice Girls surrounded him, all singing. The crowd joined, one inane verse after another, the music swelling about Maul as he howled.

Maul had reached his limit. No longer aware of what was going on, he struck out in blind rage. Vaguely, he heard Obi-Wan squealing in outrage as his favorite musical group was sliced down. When the last Kesell Spice Girl was lying on the floor in two smoldering halves, there was complete silence in the room.

"Excellent job, Maul." A familiar voice said. Maul looked up to see Darth Mary Sue standing at the front of the crowd, looking very pleased.

"Darth Mary Sue!" He cried, switching his lightsaber blades off. This was the woman truly worth his time.

"You serve your hatred well." She complimented. Maul opened his mouth to ask the impertinent question he had asked her so many times the last time they had met, but Mary Sue applied a Sith Mind Whammy to him before he could speak..

Damn. My Apprentice must have been teaching her.

"You are discouraged." She said, smiling evilly. "You need company." Turning to Obi-Wan, she applied another Sith Mind Whammy. "Take good care of your neighbor." Mary Sue had her revenge on Darth Maul for besting her, and exited from the club.

"Here, try this." Obi-Wan piped up helpfully, holding a glass out to Maul.

***

Maul awoke some time later, mind not yet fully functioning as he glanced around.

His apartment--Check.

His bed--Check.

His clothes, polyester and leather, on the floor--Check.

Someone else's polyester and leather, on the floor--Huh?

Some guy with bright pink hair, cut short and already showing sandy-blond roots, a pink ponytail and a magenta rattail--

Oh shit. He'd slept with Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Again.

For the third time.

"What the..." Maul growled as he quickly sought out his boxers and 'Sith Lords Kick Ass' shirt.

Obi-Wan sat up with a perky smile. "You almost blacked out at the club after that drink, so I led you back to your place."

Slowly the occurrences of the night before fell into place. That drink. That same strange concoction Obi-Wan had used the last time. That woman. Maul's lips pulled back in a smile of pleasure at the thought. Yes, Darth Mary Sue was definitely worth his while. And she learned quickly.

Of course, Obi-Wan read the expression wrong. "Your sure were great last night!" Obi-Wan said, playing with his pink hair in a coy fashion.

Maul couldn't take it, he threw Obi-Wan out the door... and right into Qui-Gon's arms.

"Master!" Obi-Wan simpered. "I just helped Maul here get back home last night after he--well, destroyed, the Kesell Spice Girls."

Qui-Gon quickly wrapped Obi-Wan in his arms, comforting the now crying Padawan. "Aw.. They were your favorite band, weren't they? I'm sure you are traumatized and deeply hurt, and in great need of being held gently and comforted."

Obi-Wan could only sniffle as Maul slammed the door shut.

I'm never going back there, Maul vowed.

His Apprentice snorted. Deep denial.

END

(6/22/99)

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