Itsy, Bitsy Spider
Based on a true story.
Maul opened the front door with a snarl. "What the hell do you want?"
He took some small satisfaction in the way Obi-Wan flinched slightly from the force of his annoyance. The padawan covered the lapse by smoothing an imaginary wrinkle in his soft, plaid flannel robe. "I, um, need to ask a favor."
Obi-Wan's thick lashes fluttered over eyes gone wide and misty, the delicate, pale skin of his cheeks flushing the barest hint of rosy-pink, soft strawberry-blond hair framing his face in gentle disarray. "Please?" he breathed in a voice no louder than a whisper.
Something in Maul's chest gave a vicious tug and his groin tightened almost painfully. "I was just going to bed," he grumbled even as he stepped aside so Obi-Wan could enter the apartment.
Lucky for Maul's sanity and Obi-Wan's physical well-being, the twit got right to the point. "There's a spider in my bathroom," he said. "I need your help to get rid of it."
The unsettling feeling in Maul's chest evaporated instantly, replaced by a wave of irritation "You dare to bother me at five o'clock in the morning because of a mere bug?"
"It's a big spider," Obi-Wan said sheepishly.
"Then get a big shoe."
The twit's eyes widened again, this time in horror. "I can't do that!" he cried. "It's a life-form."
"It's an insect."
Obi-Wan sighed. "Look, under normal circumstances the thing could set up shop in a corner and stay until doomsday for all I care, but for some reason it's decided it likes the medicine cabinet and I can't get to my pills. I've tried shooing it away but it won't budge, so..."
"So you need me to kill it because you can't."
The twit had enough grace to look embarrassed. "If you can't avoid it, yes."
Maul rolled his eyes. Typical. "Fine," he growled, and stalked off to the kitchen to retrieve the can of industrial strength Raid Instant Death from the biohazard container beneath the sink.
He followed Obi-Wan next door, My Apprentice trotting casually at his heel. She had vanquished many an eight- (or six-, or twelve-) legged foe in his own home, it might be worthwhile to let her take care of this little problem for him. Of course, her usual manner of first torturing her prey by partially nipping off one leg, letting it go only to capture it again and repeat the process would undoubtedly make the tenderhearted Jedi violently ill. Which, he reflected, would be an ideal punishment for bothering a Sith with something so trivial.
"So," he sneered, "where is this great monstrosity?"
"I told you, in the bathroom," Obi-Wan said, shuddering.
Maul stomped to the bathroom and flipped the light switch. Revealed in the glare of the 100-watt bulb, was the spider.
A dull, flat black in color, it was probably eight inches across from leg-tip to leg-tip. The abdomen was oblong in shape and very nearly the length of Maul's palm. It had visible fangs and radiated a palpable "touch me and die, meat puppet" attitude.
My Apprentice took one look, laid her ears back flat and bolted. I am outta here!
Maul wished he could join her.
"Now do you understand?" asked Obi-Wan.
He nodded. "It's... big."
"Yeah. Think you can kill it?"
Maul growled. "I can kill anything."
Determined not to be intimidated by a mere insect--
--Maul advanced cautiously, can of Raid held ready. When he got within a range of about three feet from his target, he pressed down on the release and sprayed a stream of liquid death onto the foul thing, not letting up until the entire spider and much of the mirror behind it were soaked.
It didn't even twitch.
"Sometimes you have to wait a minute before the poison kicks in," Obi-Wan said helpfully.
Maul didn't take his eyes off the spider. "I thought you didn't kill."
"Hey, I wasn't always a Jedi, you know."
Actually, he hadn't known that and filed the thought away to be pondered later, after he had vanquished this enemy. The spider was moving now, and he didn't want to risk it getting away.
The movement turned out to be a false alarm. All the creature did was lift one leg up at a time and settle itself more firmly on the slick surface of the mirror.
Maul ground his teeth in irritation. According to the label on the can, the spray should have taken effect within seconds. Perhaps the dosage was not figured for a creature this size? Maul nodded to himself. That must be it, a second spray was definitely in order.
He maneuvered as close as he dared and let loose with another, longer barrage of poison. By now the small bathroom reeked of chemical toxins, the fumes strong enough to make his eyes water and give him a rather lightheaded sensation that, under different circumstances, he would have enjoyed. Even the spider seemed to get off on it, legs tapping against the mirror like a humanoid drumming fingers.
Beyond that, it didn't move.
"Shit," Maul muttered, and backed out of the bathroom.
Obi-Wan was waiting for him in the living room. "Did you get it?"
He shook his head. "The enemy is strong," he said with grudging respect. "Direct confrontation seems the only alternative. But first I need the proper weapon."
With that he turned on his heel and walked purposefully towards Obi-Wan's bedroom. Once there, he opened the closet door, dropped to his knees and began rooting through the piles of Jedi-issue sandals, sneakers and the occasional satin pump. Finally, hidden in the very back and covered by a frilly pink shawl for extra camouflage, he found what he was looking for: Kenobi's old, battered pair of Doc Marten's.
"Come to papa," he murmured lovingly.
Maul had discovered the boots while hamster-sitting for Kenobi over winter break. He had originally thought to liberate them from the padawan's overwhelmingly neutral and pastel colored wardrobe until he realized that Obi-Wan's feet were bigger than his and the they wouldn't fit. Disappointed, he'd let them be and chalked up their existence to the same, mysterious factor that gave Obi-Wan the ability to switch from vapid chatterbox to raw, animalistic sexuality in the blink of an eye.
Now, sitting on the floor with a boot in one hand, he wondered just what kind of pills Kenobi kept in that medicine cabinet. Lithium, maybe? Thorazine? Tylenol 4, with Prozac?
Later, he promised himself, and geared up for a return to battle.
Properly armed, Maul returned to the bathroom to face down his chitinous enemy once and for all.
One problem. The spider was no longer on the mirror.
Fuck, he thought, and flattened himself against the far wall.
He looked up. It wasn't on the ceiling. He looked down. It wasn't on the floor. He looked at the shower. The clear plastic curtain showed nothing amiss.
Then he heard a scrabbling sound from beside him on the door.
Whirling, he found the spider clinging to the door at exactly eye level. With a howl of rage, he hefted the boot in one hand and brought the thick, rubber sole down on the thing with as much force as he could muster.
The spider dropped to the floor and bounced.
He hit it with the boot again.
It still bounced.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT!?!?" he screamed, jammed his foot into the boot and then jumped madly up and down on the spider.
Cautiously, Maul lifted up his foot. There, on the sparkling, white tile, lay the spider in the center of a puddle of sickly yellow-green goo. One by one, its long legs curled up.
Satisfied, Maul pulled off the boot and dropped it to the floor with a thud.
The spider jumped.
"AUGH!!!" Maul yelled, and threw himself backwards.
He heard a click and a low thrum and then a blue-white blade flashed through the air just in front of his nose, neatly slicing the spider in two before it could reach its target. The two halves fell smoking to the floor and twitched. Wide-eyed, Maul turned to find Obi-Wan beside him in a defensive stance, lightsaber in hand. "It attacked you," the padawan said simply, and then extinguished the blade.
Maul sullenly followed Obi-Wan back into the living room. "If you ever want another favor like this, forget it."
Obi-Wan bowed his head solemnly. "I understand."
Kenobi's show of grateful humility mollified him somewhat. "It doesn't matter if you killed it in the end," he grumbled, "you still owe me."
"I know," Obi-Wan said, a small, mischievous smile curving his lips.
Maul knew that smile. Even as his mind protested it was late, he needed rest, heat bloomed in his chest and traveled down his spine to lodge firmly in his groin.
Obi-Wan dropped his robe.
Maul eyed the lithe, naked form before him. Who needs sleep? he thought, and went to collect his reward.
(In reality, it was a broom handle that got it in the end. And I still don't know what kind of spider it was...)
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