Darth Maul on Jerry Springer
By Katherine the Art Chick
Disclaimer: Darth Sidious, Darth Maul, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Qui-Gon Jinn belong to Lucasfilm. No copyright infringement intended. This story © (copyright) Katherine the Art Chick, 1999.
With a thank you to Laura for the story suggestion, and Brian for the suggestions.
"Thank you for joining our show. Today we're doing Sith Lords--young people who turn to evil and the Dark Side. We have Darth Ted, Darth Mary Sue, and Darth Maul here with us today to talk about why they've chosen evil in their lives!"
Darth Maul, Darth Ted, and Darth Mary Sue entered the stage area and sat down. Darth Maul wore his "Sith Lords Kick Ass" t-shirt and cut-offs. Darth Ted was a teenager in cheap fake black Sith robes. Darth Mary Sue was a young woman in a black business suit.
"Where are your robes, dude?" Darth Ted asked Darth Maul.
"My apprentice vomited a hairball on them as I was getting ready to leave."
"So," Jerry said, "Let's just go from left to right and tell us why you chose the Dark Side."
"Well, see, Sith Lords kick ass, like the man's shirt says! they also get more chicks. I'm dating Darth Mary Sue here."
"You are not, you pimply little twerp, and you'll be sorry you said that!" Mary Sue snarled maniacally. "I chose the Dark Side because I have a lot of anger, Jerry. See, people suck, work sucks... I have a master's degree in a liberal arts field and had to turn to temping. I type the correspondance of the semi-literate for $7 an hour. I think the turning point was when I went to a job interview--finally!--only to find that my references had turned against me. The rage was powerful! I felt a wave of power like I had never known! And then, of course, there was that credit report error incident. They will be destroyed! They will all perish in flames! Muahahahahahahahahahaha! I heard the building housing that credit agency burned down. Do you think that was a coincidence?"
"I studied to be a Jedi, but I realized that they were weak and that hate makes one strong. Soon I will reveal myself to the Jedi. Soon I will have my revenge."
"Aren't you revealing yourself to the Jedi now, Maul?" Jerry asked.
"Not really," Maul answered. "I mean, sure, I did agree to appear on your pathetic show but my master has forseen that I will not be believed."
"If my show is so pathetic, why bother to show up?"
"I was ordered to come. It is a pedagogical exercise designed to further hone my hatred. Or so my master says. Personally, I think he's just a sadistic prick."
"Just to digress for a moment here, Maul here says he has a master. Ted, Mary Sue, do you have masters?"
"No way man!" said Darth Ted, indignantly. "I AM a master! You should see my Jedi Roadkill III high score!" Maul rolled his eyes.
"How about you, Mary Sue?"
"No, I have not been approached by a master yet. But I think that when the time is right he will reveal himself to me. In the meantime, I'm trying to hone my hatred on my own."
"I'll take you on, baby," Ted leered. Mary Sue stood up and kicked him repeatedly in the chin before spinning and kicking again, knocking Ted's chair over. The audience cheered.
"There is much anger in you," Maul told Mary Sue. "Should anything happen to me, I think my master would be wise to choose you."
"Why can't he take her on now, Maul?" Jerry asked.
"There are always two, no more, no less. A master and an apprentice."
"I thought you said you had an apprentice yourself."
"Yes, I was instructed to train a pet in the Dark Side."
"A pet? Oh, come on."
"Ow! That hurt!" Ted whined as he righted his chair. He wiped his bloody chin and nose on his sleeve.
"Anyway, our instant ratings feedback is not showing a high enough audience percentage at home. Do any of you have some interesting sexual habits you would like to share?"
"No," said Maul and Mary Sue, in unison.
"I like chicks with big hooters!" Ted said.
"Can I kill him? Please?" Mary Sue said.
"Okay, maybe not. Why don't the three of you tell us about your childhoods, hopefully to instruct us in how to prevent others from joining the dark side?"
"I was the middle kid. No one paid attention to me. They're sorry now!"
"I have a better idea. Why don't I kick Ted's ass for the viewers at home?" Mary Sue asked.
"Are you a lesbian?" Ted asked Mary Sue. "If so, can I watch?" Mary Sue smacked him upset the head. "Ow!"
"Bah, this imposter offends me!" Maul spat.
"Look, I don't think ANY of you are Sithlords!" Jerry burst out. "I think you all need therapy!" The audience burst into applause. "I mean what kind of sicko runs around pretending to be evil? Questions from the audience. You, ma'am?"
"Yes. I think you're all just alienated kids who need to open yourselves to love. Would you like a hug?" Maul rolled his eyes. Mary Sue made a "gag me" gesture. Ted leered.
"Um, okay, maybe not," Jerry said. "Next question. Sir?"
"Yeah, I was just wondering if any of you were beaten as children?"
"I was!" Ted said. Maul rolled his eyes. Mary Sue made a "gag me" gesture.
"Maul? Mary Sue? Do you have something to share?" Jerry asked.
"Not really," Mary Sue said. "I only came on this show in hopes that my master would see me and begin my training."
"This show offends me with its triteness. I feel my hatred becoming complete."
"Mine, too. Too bad I'm not PMSing. You should see me on a progesterone high." Mary Sue cackled evilly. Maul looked impressed.
"Uh, okay. You ma'am, what would you like to ask our guests?"
"Um, yeah, I just wanted to say that I don't think anyone up there is truly evil. I think that Ted is a disgusting horny teenager, Mary Sue is a bitter bitch, and that Maul is just obnoxious. I think you should all get a grip!" There was wild cheering. Maul rolled his eyes. Mary Sue made a "gag me" gesture.
"So," Jerry asked. "Academically speaking, if you were going to tell us how to prevent more young people from turning to the dark side, how would you go about that?"
"I'd have more chicks date me. Then I would have less anger, rage and alienation," Ted said. "Or at least, I would have something to do that wasn't evil." Mary Sue and Maul rolled their eyes.
"Well, I think we need to completely rehaul society and end all oppression against women, minorities, and provide jobs for people with liberal arts degrees! I also think we should make the workplace more humane and less degrading, and improve the fair credit reporting laws. Oh, and my coworker Margie, who tells me I stink because the air conditioning is out in my hovercar? she has to die. Slowly, and painfully." Mary Sue snarled.
"You don't stink," Maul and Ted agreed in unison.
"I think it's Margie who stinks, and she's in denial. But she's my boss."
"Strike out at her in your anger! Use your hatred and cut her down!" Maul snarled. The audience applauded. Mary Sue smiled, a quiet, evil smile that made Maul's heart proud.
"And you, Maul?"
"I WANT people to turn to the dark side, you pathetic fool!"
"Okayyyy. Um, you, sir, the padawan." Springer pointed the microphone at Obi-Wan.
"Um, yes, this comment is for Mary Sue. I'm really sorry to hear that your job doesn't pay well. Mine doesn't either, so I moonlight. Have you considered stripping? It's really fun and easy, and pays well!"
"Excuse me," Springer said. "You strip?"
"Can you show us?"
"Only if Mary Sue will dance with me!" Obi-Wan pulled his boom box out from under Qui-Gon's seat and bounded up to the stage. Mary Sue smirked, and ogled Obi-Wan's butt as he bent over to turn on the boom box. "It's your thing," started playing, and Obi-Wan and Mary Sue started dirty dancing, with Obi-Wan definitely dancing the dirtier of the two. Mary Sue seductively removed her suit jacket. Obi-Wan humped her leg. The audience slobbered.
"Well! That solved our little ratings problem!" Jerry exulted. "Thank you, young padawan."
"My pleasure!" Obi-Wan answered.
"He's my neighbor," Maul announced. "For a good time, call Obi-Wan Kenobi at Coruscant 8-9149-79."
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" said Obi-Wan, running back to his seat to be gently held and comforted by his master, Qui-Gon.
"Well, Mary Sue, what do you think? You seemed to enjoy that..." Jerry said.
"True. That was fun. He's pretty. But I think professional stripping might be a bad idea. I was a massage therapist for awhile, and it was disgusting--all these horny losers asking what parts of the male body I worked on." She shuddered and made a face of disgust. "But perhaps I should consider honing my hatred of horny losers further."
"What parts of the male body DO you work on, baby?" Ted asked.
"Excuse me," Mary Sue asked Maul, pointing at his lightsaber. "Is this yours?" He nodded. "Do you mind?"
"Not at all."
Mary Sue lit the lightsaber and cut Ted into at least five pieces. The audience cheered and clapped.
"Thank you," she said, handing back the lightsaber.
"I found it quite cathartic as well," Maul answered. Jerry missed the entire exchange, being deep in conversation with Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon tapped his shoulder and pointed at the camera. Jerry jumped up to do his closing monologue.
"Well, now it's time for Springer's final thoughts. You know, I think this is a very sad and telling comment on society. Children who think they're Sithlords, and turn to evil. No wonder there is so much violence in the schools!" His eyes glazed over. "That's why you should vote for Palpatine," he droned tonelessly. "A vote for Palpatine is a vote for order." He shook his head and looked around, dazed. "Well, in the meantime, take care and keep the faith; that's all for today's show. Tomorrow, it's Jedi Moonlighting, including our young padawan stripper! so don't forget to tune in!"
As he located his apartment key on the ring, Maul regretted that he had not obtained Mary Sue's phone number. They could band together and strike down Sidious, and he could train her. Or they could just date. She was his kind of girl! He heard Kenobi's phone ringing off the hook and smirked as he opened the door.
Mary Sue was kneeling on his living room floor in front of his cat, who sat on top of the coffee table. "What is your bidding, my master?" The cat meowed. "Sorry. My mistress."
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