Sith Academy: Darth Maul Vs. Wal-Mart
by Jaden Knight
jaden@multiboard.com

Darth Maul stood before the magazine rack in the corner convenience store, leafing through the latest copy of Gamers Galaxy.

"Hey," called the greasy little humanoid behind the counter. "This ain't a library. If y'ain't gonna buy it, don't read it."

Maul fixed the little man with a stare that would curl paint off the walls, and in fact, a few small insects that had been buzzing about the man flew for cover. The proprietor gulped audibly, and wisely shut up.

Returning to his magazine, Maul noted with glee that the new Jedi Roadkill III was due out today. He was interrupted from his inner gloating, by an annoying little voice that piped, "Hi! You got the last issue of Gamers Galaxy, it looks like. Mind if I took a really quick look though it?"

Maul lowered the magazine, and gazed into the grinning face of that little pest, Obi-Wan. He shuddered slightly, not a sight he wanted to see this early in the morning. "No, you may not, Jedi brat!" he glowered, holding the magazine up out of Obi-Wan's reach, just in case.

Obi-Wan's face fell, his lower lip jutting out in a pout. "I'd give it right back," he whined. "I just want to see if Jedi Warriors Two: The Light Within is due out yet."

Maul felt a rage building within him, and he could hear his Master's voice hissing, 'That's it! Use your anger. Strike out at the sniveling Jedi!' Rolling up the magazine, he brought it down sharply upside Obi-Wan's head. "What part of 'no' didn't you understand? Besides, all that's out is Jedi Roadkill III."

Obi-Wan stumbled to the side, and rubbed at the side of his head. "Ow! You just had to say that," he complained. "Jedi Roadkill III, huh? I heard they had a special order in at Wal-Mart, and they we're going be on sale this morning for an hour only."

"What?!" Maul bellowed, sending at dog outside the open door running, and the man behind the counter ducking down in fear. He dropped the magazine, reached out, and seized the Padawan by his shirt, dangling him off the ground. "And when does this sale start?"

Obi-Wan squeaked in surprise as he was hoisted off his feet, hands clutching at Maul's forearms. "At nine sharp," he stammered out. "Do you still want that magazine?"

Lips curling in scorn, Maul tossed the whiny brat aside, and strode for the door. "Take it. I have no further need of it."

Behind him he heard that hateful voice squeal, "Great! Thanks!"

***

Returning home, Maul changed into his, 'Sith Lords Kick Ass' t-shirt, and a clean pair of jeans. After all, one never knows when a cute checkout girl will be encountered. Leaving the apartment, he ran into his Master on the landing. After picking himself up off the ground, Sidious inquired, "Where are you off to in such a rush, my young Apprentice?"

"Wal-Mart, Master," Maul replied, tucking in his t-shirt.

Brows arching, Sidious said gravely, "Do you really think you are ready for Wal-Mart? It is a place that will build your hatred to a boiling point."

Puffing out his chest, so the logo was all the more prominent, Maul sneered confidently, "I can handle anything, my Master."

"Anything, hmm. Well, we shall see about that, Apprentice." Sidious produced a piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to Maul. "At least you'll save me a trip. Be sure to bring back everything on the list."

"Yes, my Master." Maul glanced at the list, and blanched. Where did one find zebra striped briefs?

***

Upon entering the store, Maul was greeted brightly by an elderly woman who was handing out shopping carts. "Good morning, Sir! Welcome to Wal-Mart, I hope you enjoy your shopping experience."

Maul scowled at her darkly enough to turn her hair blue, if it weren't already, snatched the cart from her grasp, and stalked off deeper into the store. From behind him came a tisk and an annoyed voice commenting, "Kids today, they have no respect. Well, most of them. Good Morning, Obi-Wan, dear!"

Maul walked faster.

***

Maul held up two boxes in his hands, looking from one, which was dark red, to the other, which was a bright blue. They look identical, other then the colour of the packaging. Why? He read both boxes carefully. Same contents, down to the letter. So why are they different?? As he pondered this weighty question, frustration growing, a cart connected sharply with heels. Dropping the boxes, he spun in a rage, ready to cut whom ever had run into him down, only to find Obi-Wan blinking at him innocently.

"Gee, I'm really sorry. I guess I was daydreaming, and wasn't looking where I was going. Are your heels okay?"

Maul felt the Darkness welling in him. He had to do something. He'd bring this whole store crashing down on the Jedi twit's head. No, wait, then he'd be crushed too. He lifted a hand, and pointed it towards Obi-Wan.

"Look! Isn't that George Lucas?"

Obi-Wan whirled about, peering though the crowd of people. "What? Where? I don't see him!"

While the Jedi's back was turned, Maul melted his shopping cart into slag, and retrieved the boxes from the floor. Opting for the red box of jellybeans, as it looked more Sithly, he tossed it into his own cart, and pushed it off down the aisle. Behind him, he heard a groan of despair.

"What happened? Oh no, that was the only bottle of the massage oil Master Qui-Gon likes!"

"That's spontaneous combustion for you," Maul chuckled, as he turned the corner.

***

Finally! He'd located the entertainment department. He was searching the shelves, when a voice at his elbow questioned, "Can I help you with anything, Sir?"

Maul eyed the blue-vested employee, then nodded. "Yes. You will find me a copy of Jedi Roadkill III. Now!"

The boy gulped hard, and nodded scurrying to the shelves, and pointing to the game. "Right here, Sir," he squeaked.

Maul stalked over, and picked up a copy, nodding in dismissal. As he was admiring the lurid, gory cover in glee, a hand shot out beside him, and snatched a game from the display. A voice that made him cringe cried out, "Wow! The Legends of Yoda XII! And it's the last one, too! Wow, what luck!"

Maul cast Obi-Wan the darkest, most intent scowl he could muster, but it seemed to have no effect, the brat continuing to effuse about the ridiculous game. This one must be stronger in the ways of the Force then he had thought. Either that, or to stupid to notice he was being glared at.

Wheeling his cart away, Maul stalked off to seek the next item on his Master's list. Oreo cookies.

***

As he searched the shelves in the grocery department, a blue-vested employee popped up at his side, and chirped, "Can I help you with anything, Sir?" Maul winced. Her voice was nasal enough to send a country singer for cover.

"No," he snapped. "I can find it on my own." The girl shrugged at him, then wandered off down the aisle. Turning back to the shelves, Maul spotted the bag of cookies he wanted on the top shelf. With a scowl, he planted a foot on a lower shelf, and reached up for the bag. A moment later, he was flat on his back in the aisle, packages of cookies scattered all about him.

With a groan, he got to his feet, snatched up the Oreos, and hurried away as the blue-vests appeared to investigate the noise.

***

In yet another aisle, Maul pawed though a rack of robes. "White, white, white.... where the hell are the black robes?"

"Can I help you with anything, Sir?" came that nasal voice again from his elbow.

Turning to glower at the girl, he glanced at her name tag. "Look... Dolly. I don't want your help. I don't need your help. I'm a Sith! I can do my own shopping!" His voice rose to a bellow on the last sentence.

The girl backed away from him, eyes wide. "Okay. Jeeze, don't be so touchy. Black robes are on in the next aisle." Dolly fled as Maul's lightsaber flashed to life, cutting the rack beside her in half.

"Humph," he muttered, and set off to the next aisle to get a black robe.

***

I've got to get out of this place, Maul thought frantically, peeking around a corner to make sure Dolly wasn't there, before pushing his cart onward. That girl turns up everywhere. I've got everything on the list, now if I can just find the checkout...

"If you're ready to check out, lane four, ahead and to your right is free," came that familiar voice, clawing its way up his back.

With a bellow of inarticulate rage, Maul turned on the hated, helpful girl, lightsaber swinging in a high arc over his head. She let out a screech akin to nails on a blackboard, and fled down the aisle, Maul in pursuit, flailing saber sending things flying in all directions.

***

Standing in the line at the checkout, Maul felt much better for vanquishing Dolly, having left the girl curled up sobbing in a corner, and swearing never to help anyone every again. Yet another convert to the Dark Side. You just needed to find the right button to push.

As the girl rang up his purchases, he fished a credit card out of the pocket of his jeans, and passed it to the cashier. She swiped it, waited while his receipt was printed out, then held both out to him. "Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart, Mr. Jinn. Have a nice day!"

As he left the store, Maul spotted Obi-Wan gazing fixedly at the bus schedule, oblivious to everything around him. Maul grinned wickedly, then plucked The Legends of Yoda XII from the Jedi's robe pocket and handed it to a little boy who was standing at the bus stop with his mother. "Here, kid. Enjoy."

Walking away, he began to whistle as whining voices floated behind him.

"That's my game! Give it back!"

No!! It's miiiinnne! You can't have it! Big meany!"

"How dare you take a toy from a child? You bully!"

*WAP*

"Oww! What've you got in that purse, Lady? Rocks?"

*WHUMP*

END

(6/7/99)

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