Sith Academy Tarot Cards
by Auntie Krizu
Posted 9/23/99

Underlined names have links to artwork.

0. The Twit (The Fool)= Obi-Wan dancing on a thin ramp, eyes closed, stupid smile on his face, humming a Kessel Spice Girls tune while Maul cuts the waistband of his pants with the tip of his lightsaber, revealing Obi-Wan's cute little butt.

1. The Whammier (The Magician) = My Apprentice waving her paw at Maul, who, stupefied, eyes glazed, holds a can of tuna in his hand. (Art by Angela [no valid email address]).

2. The High Priestess = Mary Sue triumphant on stage at her strip club, clad in a metal bikini, various lifeforms salivating and waving credits at her. The curtain behind her back symbolizes the Mystery of the Lust Whammy. (Art by Angela [no valid email address]).

3. The Empress = Dartha Stewart smiling evilly, filming an infomercial, surrounded by the massive arsenal of her products denoting her wealthy status. She is wearing a "Sith Fucker"-t-shirt.

4. The Emperor = Palpatine, radiant in full Senatorial regalia, hordes of voters shouting "A vote for Palpatine is a vote for order!" and two beefy bodyguards casting lustful looks at him. A pink stiletto heel is peeking from underneath his robe.

5. The High Priest = Yoda laced up in a corset and covered with makeup, standing on the counter at Divine Oscillations. In his hands he is holding a huge red-and-black dildo, symbolizing ultimate sexual ecstasy.

6. The Lovers = Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan entwined in a sex position so complex you thought it was impossible for humans to maintain. The headboard is banging against the wall, chipping bits of plaster off. A faint growl of "oh no, not AGAIN!" can be heard from the neighboring apartment.

7. The Chariot = Kenobi and Maul speeding away in Mace's hovercar from "Kenobispotting".

8. Strength = Maul wielding his lightsaber triumphantly, thinking "I AM HOT SHIT!" with the smoking ruins of the Jedi Temple in the background. At his feet, pizzabox civilizations shriek in horror.

9. The Hermit= Mace Windu, sullen in complexion, with his hood lowered over his face, is holding a Maglite in his hand, guiding bikers under Yoda's skirts.

10. The Wheel Of Fortune= Fluffi-Wan running on his exercise wheel while My Apprentice watches him intently, trying to make him fall.

11. Justice = Qui-Gon in court, hanging his head down in shame. A loud "NNNNNoooooOOOOOooooo!!!!!!!!!!" escapes Obi-Wan's quivering lips. Maul grins evilly.

12. The Hanged Snail = The golden Jabba The Hutt figure hanging from the ceiling at the Witnesses' chapel, sticky green ooze dripping from his mouth.

13. Death = Darth Mr. Fluffy. (Art by Salana Mniall)

14. Temperance = the bartender at The Gray Side pouring a huge Hamster Death Gulp for a very thirsty-looking Maul while Obi-Wan, dressed in tight PVC pants only, is getting ready for yet another karaoke number, winking and smiling at our hero.

15. The Devil = Darth Sidious looking very Sithly and evil, his flowing robes casting shadows of dark nastiness over a chained Maul at his feet. Sparks of purple lightning dance on his manicured fingertips, and behind him, the faint images of his Spawn can be seen smiling at Maul's misery. (Art by Larkzen).

16. The Tower = The boys' 42-story apartment building is struck by lightning. Obi-Wan's balcony falls off, leaving him and Qui-Gon levitating naked in the air, embarrassed. A distant Sithly laughter can be heard floating in the air.

17. The Star = Cynthia, naked, pouring strong alcohol into Maul and Mace's mouths, hoping to get lucky. The strobe light flashing from the bedroom is meant to guide them.

18. The Moon = On a Friday night outside The Gray Side, the full moon is casting its light over two apprentices, one carrying the other on his shoulder. They both emit drunken Wookiee-like howls as they stagger towards Maul's place.

19. The Suns = The twin suns of Tatooine shine upon a young Maul, symbolizing new potential. He grins wickedly and puffs his chest. Even the silly little hovermoped he's riding can't spoil his mood.

20. Judgement = The Sith Handbook hangs over Maul's head and flips its pages angrily at him, for it doesn't bear the sight of Maul moaning in pleasure (how un-Sithly!) when Ben-Wa does what he does best. Maul gives it the finger.

21. The World = The planet Coruscant at sunset. A giant female shadow looms over the world and looks upon what she has created. And boy, it is good... (Art by The Little Inferno).

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