Ask Master Yoda

As know you, bring with me my laptop on official Jedi excursions I used to do. Internet hookup, I had. Answer your questions, I did. The wisdom of an ancient Jedi master at your disposal you used to have. But dropped my laptop into the tub I did. Accident it was. No money in the Temple budget is there for a replacement. So this service I have had to discontinue.

In chronological order this page is. Read from top to bottom, you should.

Dear Master Yoda:
My padawan used to be obedient, clean, thrifty and helpful. Now he's dating this really scary-looking guy with horns and tattoos, and all of a sudden he's insubordinate, unkempt, dishonest and lazy. Plus, he keeps using up all my lube. What should I do?

Dear Mystified:
Spankings I recommend. Video you should take of your discipline. Email it to me, you shall. Review it I will and advice I will offer on your technique. Spank horn boy you should as well. Nude spankings I recommend, although restraints you may need for horn boy. Visit Divine Oscillations for supplies in advance, you should. And while there, restock your lube, you can. Sale we are having this week on Wookieemint.

Dear Master Yoda:
I thought that my Master and I had a good relationship, but lately I've noticed him checking out the other initiates when he thought I wasn't looking. Should I be worried that one of these days he'll find some new kid to take on as Padawan and toss me aside like a used tissue?
Padawan Kleenex

Dear Padawan Kleenex:
Sad is the day when a master takes on a newer, younger apprentice. But natural it is. When arrives it does that day, visit me you shall, hmm? Kilt you shall wear. Regimental. Make you feel wanted again, I shall. Feel you running through me, I will. Special garters I shall set aside for that day. Allergic are you to chocolate sauce? Wookieemint?

Dear Master Yoda:
My boyfriend is the biggest slut on Coruscant. Usually I don't mind 'cause he's pretty good at nookie what with all the practice he gets, but sometimes he's too tired from banging every pretty young guy on the planet. How can I get him to spend more energy on me short of hanging around the house wearing nothing but a rose--or should that be a roach?--between my teeth?
Horny, NOT jealous

Dear Horny:
Serious situation this is. Need retraining, your boyfriend does. Send him to me you must, at earliest opportunity. Much work this will require. In case like this, often couples therapy necessary is. When bring him in you do, come with him you should. Bring samples of items and substances you use at home, you should, also. Important, re-creating a familiar environment is. Very reasonable, my counseling fee is.

Dear MASTER Yoda:
Your so hunkie!! Do you have a brother that likes girls? I mean REALLY likes girls? And doesn't have a girl friend?
Lots of LUV,

Dear Twinkie:
Many siblings have I. When 900 or so years your species lives, much time there is for breeding! A mere 217 years old, my youngest brother is. Very handsome the ladies find him. Long and luxurious his ear hair is. His skin a vibrant green shines. But fetish for Hostess Cupcakes he has, so Twinkies fear I he will not enjoy.

Dear Master Yoda:
How can I overcome, my intense desire to date a Sith Lord? I'm a female Wookiee, I reside on Coruscant, and just a couple of weeks ago I thought I saw a Sith Lord. I deliver pizza. And in this house, I bring up the pizza to this client. He comes and opens the door, and he was carrying a book, I don't remember the title exactly but it was some kind of Sith rule book. And he did look like a Sith Lord, all tattooed in red. And behind him I did see a lightsaber on the table. At that time. I didn't think much of it. Besides he didn't even give me a tip. Most beings do, when I glare at them just a little. But he just took the pizza, and closed the door. But from that time on I have vivid erotic dreams about taking him up on the highest tree and screwing his brains out. I'm sure you'll help me to get rid of those dreams. Thanks for your advice.
Yours truly,

Dear Muchachacca:
Hard to see, the Dark Side is, young Wookiee. Think you that you can see it, hmm? Foolish you are; young, headstrong. In hiding, the Sith are. Parade around in tattoos and taffeta, it does not. Disguise itself, it does, as a rock, a tree, small children, Supreme Chancellors. Natural your urges are, but trees there are few on Coruscant. Visit you should 225 Midichlorian Terrace. Landscaped Master Qui-Gon's lawn is. Small ornamental trees he has. Sturdy enough they should be for your coupling, if small and well-built your tattooed partner is.

Dear Boss Yoda:
My have maxi-big problem! My been banished froma Gungan City for bein clumsy. Naboo no liking the Gungans, and bosses no give meesa worm welcome if my go back home. Mooy mooy, whatsa you tink I should do?

Dear Swampy:
Understand your letter, I do not. Standard you speak? Flawed your grammar is. But your problem this is not. Woefully underfunded the Federation public school system is. High standards it no longer has. In my youth, perfect Standard we were taught, not this crude grammar. If understand you correctly I do, caught you have your genitalia in either a droid or a bubblewall. Happened to me this has many times. Maxi-big my problem is too, and easily stuck it can become. If reptile like me you are, hack it off, you should. Grow back quickly, it will. If not, then in deep doo-doo you are.

Dear Master Yoda:
I've slept with all three of my Mas--er... Guardian's children. Don't get me wrong they're all quite talented in the ways of Force driven monkey love but I only meant to sleep with one of them. The way things are going I'm afraid that I'll end up with their mom next and eventually even their father no matter what the handbook says. HELP!
Terrified Family Friend

Dear Terrified Family Friend:
Know you what they say. The family that comes together, sticks together. Tee hee! Bad joke that was. Serious I should be. Notice I do that speak you of mother and father. Take heed. Bisexuality is the path to the Dark Side. Bisexuality leads to fence straddling. Fence straddling leads to wedgies. Wedgies lead to suffering. Pick you should one gender. Eliminate that will the possibility of sleeping with one of the two parents. However, Force-driven monkey love you say? If the father you do not sleep with, another note you will send me with his address. New black vinyl thong I have acquired, and looking I am for a new person to show it to.

kill, maim, destroy:
A certain ugly green troll keeps hitting on my lo--, uh, my casual sex partner. I want to kill the troll in slow and painful ways if he does not stop, yet I worry this would upset my partner. What are my alternatives?
Violently Angry

Dear Violently Angry:
Difficult your situation is. Persistent this troll seems to be. Dissuade him politely you have failed to do, but take heed! Anger is the path to the Dark Side. Reminds me this does of a promising young padawan. Skilled in the Force he is, and hot in a kilt! But dating a hunky horned freak he is as well. Lure him away from the freak, I try, but resist me, he continues to do. Persist in trying, I shall. Persistant you should be too. Small this troll is? Effective technique, the drop-kick is. Try it, you should.

Dear Master Yoda:
I have a terrible secret and I feel that if I do not share it with someone, I'm going to burst. I am a padawan at the Jedi Academy, and I have lived in the Temple for as long as I can remember. Everything was fine up until I became a padawan. That was when I first noticed that I was different from all the other students.

I'm so ashamed, this is so difficult. I, I, I don't have a crush on my Master! It's horrible! I've tried, and tried, but I just don't have any sexual desire for my Master at all. My love for my Master is purely platonic.

Master Yoda, what should I do?

Desperate Padawan

Dear Desperate Padawan,
Most unusual this is! Healthy, you are? Attractive, your Master is? If so, then perhaps a special event you need. Assign you I can to a mission, very dangerous. Bonded two can become when shared danger is. If wounded one of you should become, then caretaker the other can be. At least so it is claimed by those who write the fiction I read on the Web. Know this first-hand I do not, as dangerous missions I avoid.

If work that does not, perhaps a vergence in the Force on you centers. Identify your father, can you?

Dear Master Yoda:
I am a young padawan in desperate need of your help. When I activate my lightsaber, instead of pointing straight, it curves 1/4th of an inch to the left. Is this dangerous? I am afraid to activate it in the public, and as a result my social life has withered. I am afraid that because of this, I will never find myself a Master who would accept me. Is there something wrong with me? Do I have cancer or something? Am I the only padawan suffering from this condition?

Dear Baffled:
Different each Jedi's lightsaber is. Ask the other Jedi to show you theirs, you should! See you will that different all lightsabers are. Very large, Master Qui-Gon's lightsaber is. Extra-long is Master Windu's. To my quarters you should come tomorrow night, and show you my own lightsaber in person I will!

Dear Master Yoda:
I've been having this problem with my boyfriend. See, we work at the same place, and we've have this wonderful relationship going, but his new thing is this website, so now he's on top of the computer instead of me all the time. He's always late for dinner, and he keeps forgetting to buy Wookieemint lube. Why, just the other night he came in, never mind the McEwok burgers, and plopped down on the couch right away to work on some column. He didn't even notice when I put on his favorite drag (a charming little hot pink number, looks wonderful agaist my dark skin) and went parading across the room! The little toad. What should I do?
Frantic at the Temple

Dear Frantic,
Hmph! Ingrate your boyfriend is! Dump him you should. Why, if dressed like that my boyfriend did, drop everything I would and shimmy up him like an Ewok in heat I would! Delightful my boyfriend is. Never complains, he does, when work I long hours. Always there he is, always patient and understanding. Hmm, where went he? Just here he was a moment ago.

Dear Master Yoda,
My "master" (and I do use that term loosely) is driving me insane. He and our neighbor are CONSTANTLY having hot Force-driven sex and I can't sleep! The walls are so thin I can hear them no matter where I am! I've tried hiding in the bathroom, under the couch, even out on the balcony for Force's sake! I've tried to wreak revenge by shredding my "Master's" wardrobe, shedding all over everything, and just generally being a bitch, but nothing seems to bother him. What can I do?
Sleepless on Coruscant

P.S. And I am NOT jealous; I've been fixed.

Dear Sleepless,
Agree with your course of action I cannot! Natural, sex is, and better it is when loud and boisterous it becomes. Ruin it for your master you should not, lest frustrated he should become and to the Dark Side then turn.

Suggest I do that a secluded space you find, and your prodigious shedding ability there to work you should put. Good soundproofing a thick layer of fur can be. Borrow extra from the Wookiee padawan you can.

Master Yoda, I think I'm having visual hallucinations. Last Friday. I thought I saw Palpatine in a pink frilly dress and high heels at one of the nightclubs. Actually he looked quite cute . Should I consult a psychiatrist or is it possible that I really have seen him? And if it is true, can I possibly approach him, if I see him again? I'm Corellian and I do have what it takes to make someone happy. Over ten inches long and the diameter is also remarkable. Many have complimented on my stamina, not just on my size.

<wiping drool>
Dear Pirate,
On ship too long you have been. Get land legs help you I can. Until then, things you will see... the past, the future, bad trips long gone. Munchies you must have. Come... my home not far from Corellian landing pad. Good food, come. Show me this stamina you can. Come you will. Visions you will forget. Come.

Dear Master Yoda,
For many years I have been on an undercover mission, spying on my ancient enemies while completeing my training so I may defeat them. They are totally idiotic! I wear a t-shirt that all but declares who I am, I'm casual sex partners with one of the Pada- er, trainees, and he sees my handbook, lightsaber, and the traditional uniform of my, er, organization daily. His teacher, who hates me, thinks me nothing more than a rebel. And their most powerful leader hits on me constantly. My problem is that I often have the urge to reveal myself to them, which would undoubtably be disasterous, since my training is not complete. What can I do?

Dear Frustrated,
Important it is to complete your training. However, curious I find your need to reveal yourself. Physical training you have gone through, yes? Stripping you should consider as a profession. Reveal yourself all day you could and endanger your training, you would not. And pull in a steady income you would as well. Tell me you will which club you choose to work at. Coach your technique, I can.

Dear Master Yoda,
I am a healthy woman in my 20's. I've missed my last few periods. I know I can't be pregnant, because I haven't been with a man since... well, let me put it this way, I work for a bitchy old Hutt who doesn't keep a lot of humans around.

I am a little concerned about this because I'd like to start an exercise program to shed some of the extra pounds I've put on recently. Are missed periods a sign of serious illness? Is it okay for me to start on my mud-wrestling weight loss program?

Terrified on Tatooine

PS: Are the Jedi aware that slavery is legal on this planet? If you're not too busy, maybe you could free us? We'd really appreciate it.

Dear Terrified,
Master Yaddle have I consulted on your letter, and advises me she does that at any time one can become pregnant! Many unusual forms of pregnancy has she seen over the years. Pregnant all the time the Padawans become, so surprised you should not be if pregnant too you are.

On the other hand, good exercise mud wrestling is. Very much do I enjoy watching the Padawans wrestle in mud, when stick to their bodies their robes do. But how create you mud on Tatooine with so little water, wonder I?

Your request that inquire we should as to the slavery laws on your planet have I forwarded to the Junior Assistant Director of the Jedi Council Ancillary Subcommittee on Non-Republican Planetary Issues. Back to you we will get.

Dear Master Yoda,
I have a wonderful relationship with my Master. Last night, we had the most fantastic sex ever! It was perfect and beautiful, and we felt completely bonded to one another.

Here's my problem: Now what? I've just had the best sex I've ever had in my life! How can we ever top that? Have I reached my sexual peak already?
In Crisis

Dear In Crisis,
Most troubling your problem is. Consulted I did the Internet for advice. In reading the Master/Apprentice archive, discovered I did something interesting. Try it you should. A fight you must have. Talk to each other like rational adults, you should not. Petulant you must be, and stoic your master should be in return. From here, two options there are: split up you could, or stay together in stony silence you could. Grave danger one of you must seek out, and rescue you the other should. If feeling particularly adventurous you are, injury one of you should suffer. If close to death one of you becomes, better that is. Then when together you are again, incredible makeup sex you will have. Better it will be than last night.

Dear Master Yoda,
I know you usually get questions about sex and stuff but I figure you're the only grown-up who'll tell me the truth. Is it really illegal to sell your brother to the Hutts or is that just something your parents say to make you behave? Just wondering. Really.
Curious on Coruscant

P.S. If it's not, could you give me a vidcom number for the Hutts? Coruscant Bell doesn't have a listing.

Dear Curious,
Glad am I to see young people so curious about politics and law! Perhaps when grown you are, a career in law enforcement you will follow.

Illegal it is in the Republic, your family members to sell. Heard I have recently that on Tatooine slavery allowed is, but very far away the Outer Rim Territories are. Safe you and your brother are from such a fate, so worry about it you should not. Perhaps when older you are, visit Tatooine you can and for yourself learn more.

If a Hutt you wish to speak with, not under 'H' in the phone book should you look. Recommend 'P' I do, and for 'Pizza the Hutt' should you seek. A Hutt can you invite over to meet your brother, and a tasty pizza can you share as well. Invite me too you should, if anchovies you will be ordering.

Dear Master Yoda,
I know you don't usually involve yourself in political issues, but I have nowhere else to turn. You see, while cruising the mall looking for Galactic Sparkle Apple Strawberry lipgloss -- and staring at a few cute Twi'lek dancing girls -- I very nearly collided with a large and raucous crowd of shoppers. After avoiding a trampling by a large woman in a mumu and white Keds, I elbowed my way further into the crowd, drawn by their monotone chanting of "A vote for Palpatine is a vote for order." A middle-aged, but strangely attractive man stood triumphantly in the centre of the mass, clutching a bulging bag from Viceroy's Secret in one hand and a pink Furby in the other. All of a sudden, I found myself swept up in the mindless drone of the shoppers! I, a disciplined Padawan, was screaming "Palpatine for President!" as enthusiastically as any of the overweight humanoids in sweatpants around me.

Master Yoda, as a staunchly avowed liberal, this sudden and intense desire to vote "Imperial" disturbs me greatly. I tried drowning my troubles in four or five Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters, but I just ended up being dragged off the Grey Side's stage by security (I thought drag queens liked female strippers!). The elections are coming up fast. What can I do?
Politically Incorrect Padawan

P.S. Is bisexuality really the path to the Dark Side? Damn!!

Dear Incorrect,
A kindly and concerned civil servant Senator Palpatine is! When so many these days of the Dark Side are, good it is to know that corrupted all politicians are not. Perhaps merely disturbed by the crowd you were. Very charismatic Senator Palpatine can be! Arrange I can for a private meeting with him. When get to know him personally you do, see you will why voting for him desirable is.

Yes, sadly, to the Dark Side bisexuality leads. Transvestitism, polyamory, sadomasochism, bondage/domination, fetishism, exhibitionism, voyeurism, and karaoke all safely of the Light Side are, however, so such activities do I encourage.

Dear Master Yoda,
I am a vital and attractive woman trained in esoteric physical arts and energy manipulation. Every day I am surrounded by strong, handsome, For--... er, sensitive young men. But they already have boyfriends. How can I find companionship? Surely there is one man in the Republic who would appreciate a woman who can really handle a 'saber? The only other females around are out of the question, as one continually criticizes my rather daring millinery choices and the other is convinced that I am pregnant.
Frustrated and Forceful

Dear Frustrated,
Hard man is good to find, eh? Hee-hee. Too tight is your hat, I think. Remove that silly squid from your head, you should. Then attract more potential partners, you might! But count yourself lucky you should. Much simpler is life. Rug burns on your knees, you have not. Wookiemint stains on ceiling, you avoid also.

Do product endorsements, I normally do not. But commission I get! Divine Oscillations, visit you must. 1-800-BATTERY then call you should. Lifetime supply you get. Finally, get cat you should. Heard I have, many available for adoption at the Senate there are.

If solve your problem this does not, cute padawan you should get. Train them young, Jedi motto is. Educate padawans completely, masters must!

Dear Master Yoda,
Last year I attended a concert that changed my life. You see, during the final set of the Obi-Wan Night Stand tour I was injured. The surge of the crowd had pushed me into the stage breaking my ribs. But then before I knew what happened I got a steel-toed boot to the chin. The impact was so forceful it left tread marks on my cheek & shattered my jaw. Since that point in time I haven't been able to work or even eat solid food. I saw that the tour was underwritten by the Jedi. What is my legal recourse?
Shattered in Nar Shadaa

Dear Shattered,
Very carefully have I considered your problem. Suggest I do that the manufacturer of the steel-toed boots you should sue. Obviously a danger to others those boots are!

Dear Master Yoda,
My Master just told me that getting tattoos leads to the dark side. Unfortunately, he didn't tell me about this until after my sixth visit to Louie, aka Bubba, at Jimbo's Tattoo Parlor of Love. He hasn't seen the tattoos yet, but I'm sure we can work it out.

My question is, do nipple rings lead to the dark side?
Two Piercings Too Late

Dear Two Piercings,
Safe nipple rings are. Pierced I have all sixteen of my nipples, and firmly in the sway of the Light Side, I am. If believe me your master does not, happy to show him my piercings, I am. However, care you must take to clean your new piercings. Quick path to the Dark Side, infected nipples are.

Dear Master Yoda,
I've been "seduced" to the Darkside by a very sexy, very tattooed Sith apprentice. I've also been involved with a Jedi who is now very upset with me and refuses to return my phone calls. What do I do to let my Sith lover know I want him, but that I need to stay with my Jedi boy?
Torn Between Light And Dark

Dear Torn,
Invite all your lovers to a night at the Gray Side, you should. Drunk you should get them. When plastered you all are, care you will not about light and dark. A good time the three of you together can have!

Dear Master Yoda,
Now that I am a padawan, I have finally discovered the true meaning of life. At last, I have been able to let my hair down and understand the Force in a deeply penetrating way. But I just got word from my mom back home--she's coming to visit! Now don't get me wrong; I love my mom dearly. But how an I going to hide all the lube, panties, nail polish, and leather straps???

Dear Panicked,
Unnecessary your concerns are. Knows all about sex, your mother does. Dropped off on your mother's doorstep by a kaadu, you were not! Listen to your mother, you should. Advice on good sex toys, she may be able to give you.

Dear Master Yoda,
I have a rather serious problem. You see, about a week ago, I met this really nice being at a party. He was very charming, with an annoying yet endearing little speech impediment. I got him back to my apartment and he, I and my master made hot, sweet, monkey love all night long, every part of my body was...ahem. Excuse me. Anyhow, I was quite dismayed when I awoke the next morning to find him gone. He had left behind only a note that said he would see me again soon. I have no other clue, no name, no address, nothing besides the fact that he lives in this Force-forsaken temple. I find myself slipping closer and closer to the edge the longer I'm away from him. I must trace him, but I have no idea how. Any suggestions?

Dear "Ben,"
Write to Playbeing about your encounter, you should. Pay by the word, they do.

Advice Column Copyediting Board: Jedimom, Melissa, R'Hul, and Siubhan.
Contributors: Katherine the Art Chick, Darth J Landry, ZP Florian, Rose, RexHalV, Laura, Auntie Krizu Mad Madame Mim, Jill Frenier, Thebinks, Vyola, RavenD, BlkWidwSpdr, Kim Allen.

The Main Page I wish to return to.