Darth Maul Takes up Aerobics
[Read Rebve's author bio]
Disclaimer: Of course all of these splendid characters belong to George Lucas and Co. I just borrowed them for a bit because I CAN'T GET THEM OUT OF MY HEAD. Anyway, if you enjoy this, blame my sister JediDebVel, as usual, this is all her fault, and of course, Siubhan, because otherwise who would have thought up a Sith Academy?
Darth Maul, Lord of the Sith, heard his neighbor's doorbell ring and smiled. It was enough to make him put aside his game control. Plus he had to get a glass of . . . cream?
The walls of the apartment building were thin enough that he could hear every word of the conversation between the door-to-door salesmen and his twit neighbor, Obi-Wan Kenobi.
"Actually, I already have a subscription to the Force News," stammered Obi-Wan. "B..But I suppose it never hurts to have more than one, since Qui-Gon usually borrows mine before he err . . .goes home in the morning." Maul could practically hear Obi-Wan blushing.
"Thank you, most kind Jedi sir," replied the salesmen. Maul supposed from the sound of his gruff watery gurgle that he was one of those fish-faced Mon Calamari. Looking at them always made Maul feel a trifle hungry. He licked his lips in anticipation as he added his Sith cloak to his usual stay at home attire of black jeans and much the worse for wear Sith Lords Kick Ass t-shirt.
"Would the kind Jedi sir, also be interested in perhaps purchasing some candy to benefit our Force News fund drive to find homes for Jedi trainees who were not chosen as Padawan?" the salesman continued.
"Errr..... sure. I mean, Master Qui-Gon sure loves his Reeses Peanut-Butter cups and those poor Jedi children. Could have been me, you know," replied the twit sympathetically. Maul scoffed. If the Jedi brats couldn't hack it they should rise up and slay their masters so their journey to the dark side could be complete. That's what he would have done anyway.
Maul growled at the very thought of rising up and slaying his current master and called his weapon from the wall as he heard Obi-Wan and the Calamari conclude their transaction. Only a moment now.
His doorbell rang.
From ten feet inside the room, Maul raised his hood over his head and opened the door using the Force.
"Yes," he said menacingly.
The pair of Mon Calamari that stood outside the door blinked their shrimpy eyes and took one step back. "Good afternoon, sir. We are going door-to-door selling subscriptions to the Force News. Your best source for news, entertainment and sports in the Jedi Sector."
Maul took that moment to lower his hood and turn the full force of his yellow-eyed gaze at the solicitors. They blinked more slowly and took two steps back, eyeing his spikes with what looked like terror. In fact, Maul could feel the terror emanating from them. He pictured them batter-fried and licked his lips again.
"I have no need for the Force News," he replied, with a small wave of his hand.
The Calamari took another step back and bumped into the opposite wall of the hallway. One, to his credit, piped up, "Of course you have no need for the Force News, but perhaps you'd like some of the candy we're selling to benefit unplaced Jedi children?"
Their resistance to the Force was formidable. Maul ignited his light saber. Only one end. No need to get carried away.
"You would do best to leave the candy with me," Maul said. He never knew when Sidious might spring that horrible "PMS" on him again.
The Calamari looked at each other and seemed prepared to protest. Maul ignited the other half of his saber and . . . smiled.
Maul was picking up the candy and moving it into his PMS hiding place when his master, Darth Sidious glided through the door avoiding piles of laundry. "Maul, did you send those two Mon Calamari shrieking down the hall?"
"Yes, my Master," Maul said, quickly hiding the candy before his master could see.
"Good, good. I had been concerned that you were neglecting your training but now I see that you've been honing your hate in other ways besides that horrid video game."
Maul rubbed his trigger thumb. It had been getting a bit sore lately. Maybe he'd been overdoing his pursuit of a new high score on Jedi Roadkill 3.
Sidious stepped between another two piles of questionably clean or dirty laundry and used the Force to sanitize a place on the couch before sitting down. Maul noticed he carried a plastic bag with a distinctive black and white striped pattern.
"I've decided that as a part of your training you should take an exercise class. It will improve your endurance and cardiovascular abilities, as well as discipline. It begins at 8:00 a.m."
"Tae-bo?" Maul asked hopefully, wondering how he would be able to check all his favorite Internet sites and still wake up in time for this . . . class.
Sidious replied, "I had in mind Step Aerobics."
Maul looked surprised. "Aerobics is for pansies."
"Yes, your neighbor enjoys it immensely."
Maul moaned inwardly. If the twit liked it, it couldn't be any good. He'd blow those aerobics bunnies right out of the water.
"Very good, unleash your contempt for your fellow exercisers," Sidious said as he reached for the plastic bag "I took the liberty of buying you appropriate attire."
"Master, if this is another attempt to get me into spandex I may rise up and slay you sooner than you would like."
Sidious sighed and put a pair of shiny red spandex shorts back into his bag, pulling out a shoebox instead. Maul took it and opened it up. "Kobe-Wan Bryants!" he protested. "You could have at least gotten me the Darth Shaqs!"
"These were on sale. And Kobe-Wan is such a cute young thing."
A pair of black jogging shorts followed the shoes out of the bag, which Maul accepted, although he passed on the skin tight silver tank top in favor of his Sith Lords Kick Ass t-shirt. Well, he supposed it was a tank top too, now that the sleeves had finally shredded off.
The alarm rang early the next morning and Maul hit the snooze. Five more minutes. He was having a most interesting dream involving Obi-Wan and lime jello. Prickly claws began kneading his chest and his mouth was suddenly covered in something made of nylon.
He jumped immediately out of bed and into battle-stance, calling his light saber from the other room. "Meow," said My Apprentice sweetly, levitating herself from where he had flung her back down the floor. Maul realized then that what covered his face were his black running shorts.
That damnable aerobics class!
Maul arrived at Coruscant Gym feeling oddly and uncomfortably unsure of himself. He shattered the glass of the entry door. That made him feel slightly better.
The aerobics room was filling rapidly with mostly women of all shapes and sizes, all setting up plastic steps in preparation for the class. Some of them were very nice sizes, Maul noticed. Spandex did have its advantages.
Maul grabbed a step and as many risers as he could. He'd make this a bit of a challenge for himself. He seized a spot close to the center.
"Hey, I was going to set up there," whined a class participant.
"Not anymore," Maul growled in his customary fashion.
He noticed then that he'd inadvertently chosen a place next to his neighbor.
"Well, good morning, Maul. I didn't know you got up this early," Obi-Wan said chipperly. "Usually when I'm up doing my morning meditation and making breakfast for Qui-Gon I can hear you just going to bed." He was dressed entirely in neutral spandex, including a pair of khaki leg warmers.
Yes, spandex did have its advantages.
Maul growled and turned around to stretch the back of his legs. He noticed his neighbor blush scarlet and turn tail to fill his water bottle. Worked every time, Maul thought, smiling.
The Twi'lek instructor climbed up on the podium, her twin blue tentacles tied up on top of her head with a sweatband. "Are you guys ready to work?" she called clapping her hands. Obi-Wan returned to his step at Maul's side and let out a "woo woo!"
Maul cringed. This was going to be worse than he thought. He hated audience participation things. He turned to his other neighbor, a spandex-clad female of the more shapely variety. "You will meet me in the hot tub after class," he said waving his hand.
"I will meet you in the hot tub after class," she cooed back, fluttering her eyelashes.
The instructor asked, "Is this anyone's first time in a step class?"
Maul shrank back. He wasn't going to admit ignorance. To his horror his neighbor spoke up for him. "My neighbor Maul is stepping for the first time," Obi-Wan said with a smile.
Maul growled and looked over at him suspiciously. Obi-Wan continued to smile sweetly. Maul was beginning to think that Obi-Wan wasn't quite the twit Maul thought he was.
"Well, great, Maul. You just take it easy, make sure your whole foot is on the step, and if you get confused, remember to keep moving even it you just step up and down," said the instructor cheerily.
The whole class woo-woo'd. They were entirely too happy about this whole set-up.
Maul doubted he would get confused. He was a Sith Lord. Sith Lords did not get "confused."
A song with a heavy techno beat started up. Maul smiled, this wasn't sooo bad. He turned his attention back to the Twi'lek, who was asking them to do something called "grapevine."
The class began doing a dance move involving stepping to the right and behind with one foot. Obi-Wan appeared to be grooving to the music and clapping his hands a lot, punctuated with further woo-woo's. It was embarrassing, thought Maul, attempting to "grapevine" along with class. He directed a beam of the Force to disintegrate Obi-Wan's leg warmers. Obi-Wan halted mid-woo. Better, he thought, casting a brief, admiring glance on Obi-Wan's revealed physique.
Soon the class was stepping in earnest and Maul was doing his best to follow along. His ears were ringing from all the clapping and cheering that went along with this infernal pastime, and he'd noticed his master dressed as Palpatine observing them while mildly Stairmastering next to Qui-Gon. They were chatting and dabbing at each other's sweat delicately with towels. Maul felt ill, and suddenly realized he was going the opposite direction as everyone else.
Then suddenly they were all on the opposite side of the step. How had this happened? Maul could feel his anger rising.
"Here's the same move, with power!" called the instructor bounding up onto her step. Power! That was a word Maul liked. He gathered the Force around him and bounded up onto the step. Next thing he knew he had bounded several feet above the step and nearly taken out a few ceiling panels.
"Not quite that much power, Mister Maul!" said the instructor cheerfully.
Maul's anger swelled. He incinerated her step and started towards her, only to be stopped by Obi-Wan's hands on his arms. "Whoa, Maul," said the twit. "Just follow what I do."
The feeling of Obi-Wan's hands on his bare flesh sent a shiver up his spine. He saw his master giggling in his direction. He took a deep breath and returned to his step. He would not be defeated by aerobics!
The instructor called out, "Lunges! C'mon, we're almost done!"
The class woo-woo'd.
Maul found he liked lunges. He turned to face Obi-Wan, despite the fact that it was backwards from the rest of class. "A duel," he hissed at his neighbor and they began lunging in time, legs pumping down off opposite sides of the step in a race to see who could keep it up the longest.
"Uhh, Mister Maul, Honorable Obi-Wan, we're moving on from lunges now," called the instructor.
"No, we are continuing lunges," Maul said, waving at hand at the Twi'lek.
"Okay! We are continuing lunges," she called. "Woo woo!"
"Uhh.... Maul, I think you're taking this a bit far," Obi-Wan said, lunging. He was dripping with sweat, his spandex clinging to him in most seductive ways.
The class had now surrounded the two of them and was cheering.
"You will not defeat me," Maul spat at his neighbor.
Obi-Wan ripped off his sweaty spandex shirt and something snapped in Maul's brain.
He woke some hours later with his face nestled into the back of someone's neck, his Sith Lords Kick Ass tank top and nylon running shorts hanging from the light fixture.
He groaned. He'd slept with Obi-Wan again.
He glanced over Obi-Wan's shoulder to see a note from Qui-Gon propped up on the nightstand. We'll discuss your use of the dark side in aerobics class at a later date, my young Padawan. Call me at Senator Palpatine's.
Maul smiled darkly as he drifted back to sleep, curving his arm around Obi-Wan. At least the aerobics class hadn't been in vain, his training was moving along just fine.
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