Darth Maul's Breakfast of Champions
By Maya, the Mad Mambolica
rushmambo@hotmail.com
[Read Maya's author bio]

Disclaimer: George (The MAN) Lucas owns the boys. Someone else owns the cereal (Kelloggs, maybe?) and the rights to the commercials on which this is based. I cannot believe I've actually written this. It's an all-time low.

Darth Maul awoke to feel his toes being gnawed through his sheets. A quick punt with his foot and My Aprrentice rolled off the bed, only to jump back up landing squarely on his chest. Maul eyed the clock. Why was it that cats needed to be fed at six in the morning? I will kill her. But first I will go back to sleep. Images of tuna flooded Maul's thoughts. Breakfast, oh ya. Good idea.

Maul sat up and stretched, nearly falling unconcious at the reek of his armpits. Breakfast, then shower. My Apprentice opened her mouth and crinckled her nose as she caught a whiff of her master.

With a grunt, Maul dropped his feet to the floor, flinching only slightly as a venerable piece of deluxe pizza died with a pitiful scream under the crushing foot. Shower immediately after eating. My Apprentice nosed the demised slice cautiously before preceding Maul into the kitchen.

After opening a can of tuna for the cat, Maul grabbed a bowl from his dish drainer. He'd never bothered to put the clean dishes away considering he'd just have to get them out again. At least it was clean. He wasn't so lucky with finding a spoon. Yanking open a drawer, the Sith found a plastic knife and spork set in a sealed bag. He threw open the cereal cabinet as he ripped into the bag with his teeth.

Cutlery dangling from his mouth, Maul stared in horror at his empty cupboard. "NoooooOOOooO!" Maybe I put the box in a different cabinet. Maul threw open each little door in turn seeking his most favorite cereal in all the world.

"I gotta have my Pops!"

Kill. All must die. Maul was not a pleasant sort at the best of times, but being woken up at the butt-crack of dawn made for one very testy young Sith. If he could only think clearly this early, it would be the perfect time to strike down his master. However, the only thing that mattered now was filling his empty stomach. Must have my Pops.

Dressed in only his grimy happy-face boxers, the only ones that had still been clean two days earlier, Maul kicked open his door in a most Sithly manner and -

- reeled backward landing in a most UN-Sithly sprawl upon the floor, cracking his horned head on the coffee-table. What the? As his vision cleared it seemed he'd missed the door entirely.

Grumbling, Maul examined the hole he'd put into the wall. Nope, the butt-crack of dawn would definitely not make a good time to destroy his master. My Apprentice was pretending not to have noticed by vigorously licking a paw.

Maul stalked into the hallway and hurled open his twit neighbor's door. Obi-Wan was sitting in his cream colored breakfast nook working at the Coruscant Times Sunday crossword, wearing only a short, fluffy dressing gown. He looked up, blue eyes showing a hint of surprise at seeing his neighbour this early without having spent the previous evening together.

"Must. Food. NOW." Maul trudged into the Padawan's shiny clean kitchen and threw open a cabinet.

"What?" replied the Jedi.

Maul yanked one cabinet open after another looking for the cereal he knew the Padawan would have. Afterall, they had breakfasted together more than once. "Food. Eating. Hungry - AH HA!" The Sith triumphantly waved the box of Corn Pops in the air.

"Oh, you haven't got any cereal!" exclaimed Obi-Wan as the Sith's lack of grammatical English finally came together in a cohesive thought. He abruptly closed his mouth in a look of utter disgust as Maul's odor wafted over to him. There was a thump in the Habitrail as Cuddles passed out.

Maul grabbed one of the Padawan's bowls and poured out the round puffs of cereal, filling it almost to the point of overflow. Maul nearly ripped the fridge door off its hinges as he looked for the milk.

Little shouts of fear and protest emenated from the civilization within as they looked upon the face of their would-be destroyer, the face their myths spoke of, the one who would return from the past to destroy them once again. Smelling him, they understood that it would be biological warfare. The suburb closest to him saw many inhabitants die as their throats and lungs collapsed. Maul closed the door, remembering Obi-Wan's other fridge, the one he'd had to buy after the lifeforms' arrival.

Maul smiled as he watched the milk turn a satisfying pink as it flowed over his cereal. Yes, breakfast. Oh baby, yessss. He snatched a spoon from a frighteningly well organised cutlery drawer and proceded to shovel the sweet cereal into his slavering maw.

Obi-Wan laughed, jovially saying, "Heh, you just gotta have your Pops, eh Maul?"

With a clatter, Maul launched the bowl into the sink, already finished his cereal and ready to go back to bed - the shower could wait. It couldn't really, but the Sith's olfactory sense had closed shop and headed off for a vacation.

"Well, bye, neighbor," said Obi-Wan as Maul stomped out and back to his apartment. The Jedi retrieved a clean bowl from his cupboard and upended the box of Corn Pops.

Three puffs fell out. Obi-Wan shook the box. Two more dropped into the bowl. With rising anguish Obi-Wan shook the box again. Two more landed, followed by a heap of dust.

"NOOOOOooooooOOOOOOoooooooooooo."

Maul grinned evilly as he slid back into his bed, stomach satisfied, My Apprentice locked out of his room. I just gotta have my Pops.

END

(7/22/99)

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