The Crocodile Hunter takes on Darth Maul
by o j
ojsithlord@hotmail.com

Steve and Terri are driving in the Outback when they see a dark clad humanoid figure in a bit of a predicament. Steve jumps out of his speeder with Terri in tow, hides behind a bush, looks at the camera, and speaks:

"OOOOOH, a SITH LORD! THE APEX PREDATOR ! A Very Dangerous bugger, most lethal critter in the Outback. He's entangled in the dingo fence so I've gotta help the poor bloke".

He then approaches the critter, who has horns on his head and a harlequin face. This Sith is writhing away, obviously in a great deal of pain. Steve, now standing two meters away, speaks:

"Now you folks don't try this at home as these fellas have a nasty habit of sticking you with a lightsaber when they're all riled up. Terri will bring my lightsaber just in case things get out of hand but first I'm going to try and calm him down, be at one with nature, and do a bloody good deed".

Steve, with lightsaber in hand, methodically tries to untangle the unfortunate creature. Terri chimes in:

"It is important that we get him untangled before the mid day sun gives him a heat stroke. Sith are an endangered species as you only have a master and an apprentice so it is vital to the balance of the Force that we save him."

The camera pans back to Steve:

"I'm going to stick me thumb up his ass to take his temperature. Yikes ! He didn't like that. He's got me caught in his Force choke hold, I better act quickly or I'm a goner". Steve, audibly gasping desperately for air pleads for help. "Terri, would you please be a dear..."

Terri, drenched in sweat, moves in to help Steve, brandishing saber in her trembling hands. She ignites it and with a "whoosh" a rainbow colored blade suddenly extends out, ozone crackling. Steve, his face turning purple, deprived of oxygen, his tongue projecting from his mouth, his hands clutching his throat, begins to take on a look of one who's achieved bliss...Suddenly, a rock the size of a coconut miraculously flies off the ground. Terri effortlessly parries it but wasn't prepared for an even larger stone, which catches her on the forehead. The Sith Lord, now fully extracted from the fence, unsheathes his light saber, ignites it and presses the attack. Terri parries the initial blow and lashes out at her adversary, tearing into cloth and charring skin, managing to knock him down She moves in to make the kill when Steve, now able to breath shouts out

"NOOOOOOOOO TERRRRRIII! That's an endangered species!"

The dark warrior took advantage of this opening and caught Teresa in the mouth with a side thrust kick. Somehow with newfound energy, Steve leaps to his feet and into the air after the dark clad figure, only to find he missed completely and crashes into a bush where he encounters a familiar face.

"Look folks, a brown snake! The most poisonous snake on earth...ten times more venomous than a king cobra...watch me pet it and place it in its burrow so no harm will come to it while we tame this Sith".

He then gently places the serpent into a burrow near the bush, but not before it struck him in the nose. "Yikes! I'm glad he didn't quite sink his teeth into me or I'd be goners for sure!"

Meanwhile, Terri and the Sith continue to go at it. Terri lunges forward but the Sith parries her blow, steps aside, and presses a button on the hilt of his lightsaber. A new blade extends out from the end of it. Steve, watching from the distance, looks at the camera and states with the conviction of the hyperactive:

"Oh no Terri's in Trouble! I've got to find a way to help her without harming the poor Sith... isn't he glorious ?!?"...

***

While the battle was raging, Steve found himself preoccupied once again. "Look here folks, a real treat! This here is a funnel web spider! Most venomous spider in Australia! They'll kill more people thisarvo than white pointers and crocs combined in a year!" He then proceeds to flip it onto its back.

"Look folks, it's a Sheila! WHAT A BEAUUUUTY! The neat thing about her is that she'll eat her mate if he doesn't go walkabout in time! I better move her so she doesn't get trampled and alter the balance of the Force!"

He then picks up the arachnid and places her on a brush pile. "Here you go girl. You're a gorgeous lady aren't you?"

Meanwhile, Terri managed to catch a break. Her dark adversary attempted a flying side kick, but Terri ducked and the Sith fell on his arse. Terri called on the Force . Suey scampered out of the speeder and charged the Sith Lord, baring her teeth and leaping at him, but she caught a roundhouse kick in the ribs. Suey yelped and dropped to the ground like a stone. Terri tried to move in but the Sith called on the Force. Suey, still breathing and whimpering suddenly rose from the ground and was flung by invisible energy at her master. Terri fended off the flying, furry projectile by striking it with her lightsaber, cutting it in half. Steve shouted "NOOOOO! Not Suey!" Terri looked down, stared at the dismembered dog, was suddenly filled with rage. She then charged her adversary, who somersaulted backward and assumed a defensive position. Steve exclaimed, "Terri, don't give in to hate! That leads to the Dark Side."

Terri ignored him. She swung her saber overhead, striking at the Dark Lord, but he parried her blow with one of his blades. He then whirled around and caught Terri with a spinning back kick. She crumpled to the ground then raised her head, gasping for air. She then heard the distinctive sound of a lightsaber being spun and in an instant she was decapitated. The Sith Lord stood before his slain adversary, gloating. But much to his surprise, he didn't gloat for long as Steve tackled him from behind. The force of the blow was so great he dropped his lightsaber and in an instant, he had been hog-tied.

"Now I'm going to jam me thumb up his ass again for good measure," but thinking better of it, instead shoved a lightsaber hilt into the Sith's Dark Side and left it there. "Crikey! He'll never cause an ounce more of trouble where he's going". Then, Steve's eyes begin to beam like a four-year-old on Christmas Day:

"Look at him folks! ISN'T HE MARRRRVELOUS?!? The Sith Lord, King of the Outback! Apex predator of Australia! Humbled by yours truly, Steve Irwin! Now I am a Jedi! Its too bad about Terri and Suey, but I suppose that's the way of the Force."

Steve then goes into his speeder, reaches into his cooler, grabs a can of Foster's, and chugs it. He burned Suey and Terri on funeral pyres that night; being hungry, he used one of the pyres to roast a dewback and some yams as well. The next morning he dismantled his camp and packed his speeder. With a new Darth tied up in the back, and set forth to his park...

***

Late in the evening, Steve arrived in Queensland. He first made a stop to his zoo and made the necessary arrangements for his captive. Steve then stopped before the new Darth's cage and tossed a chicken into it. The angry Sith Lord sat in the back of his new home, glowering at Steve, refusing to touch the dead bird .

"Look at him folks, a SITH LORD! Most dangerous critter in the Outback and we have the first one in captivity anywhere! ISN'T HE GLORIOUS! Right now he's in a pissy mood but once he's settled down and gotten over his capture he'll be all right."

Steve then pats a lightsaber: "At any rate, I'm glad I got this in case he gets out of line".

The Sith then pointed at some dark, compact, smelly objects and they went flying at Steve, though Steve displayed his Jedi reflexes and managed to dodge them in the nick of time.

"Crikey! I guess we'll have to move him to a totally enclosed holding pin, otherwise he'll be throwing feces at the tourists. Well, that probably won't bother the Melbournites".

END

(1/23/00)

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