Home for the Holidays with Dartha Stewart
By Katherine the Art Chick and Darth J. Landry
artchick@geocities.com, darthjal@yahoo.com
with gratuitous sex scenes by Xochiquetzl (xochiquetzl@yahoo.com)
[Read Darth Landry's author bio] [Read Xochiquetzl's author bio]

Disclaimer: The Star Wars stuff belongs to George Lucas. Sith Academy belongs to Siubhan. Dartha belongs to Plaidder. Everything else, what's left of it, belongs to us, and if you mess with it we'll sic Darth Mary Sue on you, so nyah! © (copyright) 1999 Katherine the Art Chick, Darth J. Landry, and Xochiquetzl.

Sullenly, Dartha Stewart looked at the large pile of RSVPs on her coffee table. Everyone had declined to attend her Life Day party due to previous obligations. Maul and Sidious were travelling to Naboo to suck up to the voters, the Bens were visiting their disgustingly perky adoptive parents, and Mary Sue was going to meet her beau Bill's parents--who'd have thought he had parents? From his insipid love emails to Mary Sue, which Mary Sue had forwarded with snide comments appended, Dartha had thought he was one of those life forms you buy from a gumball machine and add water.

Dartha sighed. "I guess it's cheese curls and ice cream for Life Day Dinner," she directed her droid, who scurried away in horror. Mistress Dartha eating junk food was always a bad omen in the Stewart house.

***

Maul and Sidious stood in the lobby of the Space/Hyperspace Interstellar Traffic System, holding Maul's one small bag and Sidious's endless collection of bags and trunks, looking around them in horror at the striking Traffic Controllers. "Can't you whammy them all?" Maul asked.

"Shut up," Sidious said.

"How about just one?" Maul suggested.

"No, no, he'll never make it to the control tower alive," Sidious said. Muttering something about how when he was Emperor he would give the death penalty to any striking SHITS controllers, he stomped off to his car with Maul following.

Yes! Maul thought. A bad day in his apartment with the Playstation was better than a good day with Sidious on Naboo.

"We'll attend dear Dartha's party instead," Sidious said. "Maybe I can get a campaign contribution from Mary Sue's wealthy young friend."

Maul's major pulmonary organs sank. "Must I accompany you, my Master? This is a family holiday, and I am not a family member."

"True, but you will have a chance to observe the horror of a family gathering firsthand. The rage might do you some good," Sidious said, swerving to hit a flying squirrel. "Since we said we wouldn't attend, we'll have to bring something. And I know just the thing," he said with a malevolent smile.

***

"Oh, no! They're on strike!" Ben-Wa said.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Obi-Wan said, dropping his luggage in the lobby.

Obi-Wan and Ben-Wa looked at each other. Neither of them particularly wanted to spend the day cooped up with the other in front of Obi-Wan's television eating pizza. Not that they didn't LOVE each other, but...

Ben-Wa gave his shoulder-length hair a toss. "Maybe we should go to our birth mother's party."

"Yeah," Obi-Wan said. "Good idea. You could meet our sister. Of course, we'll have to bring something."

"Why?" Ben-Wa asked, puzzled.

"Because we told her we weren't coming and she probably didn't make enough food for us," Obi-Wan explained patiently.

"Oh." Ben-Wa thought about this for a moment. "What should we bring?"

Obi-Wan thought about it. Having no idea what the menu was, he had no idea what foods would clash with Dartha's carefully planned menu. Dessert was probably the safest bet. "Let's bring a bunch of pies," he suggested.

"Oooh, I love pie!" Ben-Wa said. "I hope they let me lick the knife after cutting the pies!" Obi-Wan gave him a dirty look. "What?"

"Don't lick the knife! We won't be at home with Mam and Da! Please, Ben-Wa, PLEASE don't embarrass me in front of Dartha Stewart! She's a very elegant woman. Please, promise me you'll be on your best behavior."

"Aren't I always?" Ben-Wa asked with a mischievous wink. Obi-Wan ground his teeth.

***

Bill and Mary Sue stood in the SHITS lobby with their luggage eying the strikers with dismay. "Oh, no! I was so looking forward to my parents meeting you, honey!"

"Oh, me too, sweetie," Mary Sue said sarcastically. She sighed, secure in the knowlege that sarcasm would sail obliviously over Bill's head and out into space, where it would probably spend Life Day with his parents in their place. Oh, well.

"I'll give a thousand credits to anyone who crosses the picket line and gets us out of here!" he announced. The strikers ignored him pointedly. "Two thousand!"

"Wanna see me naked?" Mary Sue announced. Several of the strikers dropped their signs and ran for the tower, but were set upon by the strikers who didn't like girls and bludgeoned with picket signs. She sighed. Alas, there were no more excuses. "Wanna spend Life Day with my Mom?" she asked.

"Oh, pumpkin!" Bill gushed. "I'd LOVE to meet your mother!" Mary Sue ground her teeth. "Does this mean you're... getting serious about me?"

"Yeah, right," Mary Sue muttered and stomped off towards the car.

***

Dartha sat on her bed, back propped up with pillows, watching "Family Feud" with her hair in curlers and wearing a t-shirt that read "Sith Fucker." She dipped a Price Club brand cheez curl into her container of melted Price Club ice milk and laughed at a particularly funny line. Wrapped securely in fuzzy bunny slippers, her toes wiggled in delight. Ah, screw Life Day.

The blaring sirens of her proximity alarm jolted her out of her junk-food reverie. Switching the channel on her television to the internal closed circuit, she saw Maul and Sidious waiting on her doorstep. Cursing, she raced to the bathroom, handing the junk food to a droid to properly dispose of it.

***

"Perhaps she's made other plans?" Maul ventured hopefully, as they stared for a VERY long time at Dartha's front door. Sidious just grunted.

Finally, the door opened and there was Dartha, fresh as a daisy. "I'm SO sorry," she said. "I was in the middle of a crafts project, and had to put it away. Happy Life Day! Please, come in."

"Happy Life Day, Dartha dear. We brought you a fine nerf pelt and some lovely nerf steaks!" Sidious announced proudly. "We killed it ourselves at U-Kill. Well, Maul killed the first one, but he sliced it into so many pieces that it wasn't really usable." He glared at Maul. Maul glared back.

"U-Kill is pointless," Maul observed. He preferred to hunt with his teeth and bare hands.

"I LIKE U-Kill," Sidious said, pointedly. "It's one of those places where they let you kill the meat yourself." He sighed. "I should have killed the first one myself, but I wanted to observe Maul's form." He admired Maul's butt in his tight jeans. Maul scowled.

"I'm sure the steaks are delicious." Dartha wondered if this meant she was going to have to cook them. "And I'm sure the pelt will be a lovely addition somewhere..." She led them to the kitchen, paused, and waved her hand.

"Maul, be a dear and cook the steaks for us," Sidious said.

"Oh, Maul, that would be SO lovely! having someone do the cooking for ME for a change!" Dartha beamed. Maul snarled.

"Are we the only ones here, my dear?" Sidious asked.

"Yes, the Bens were going to visit their adoptive parents and Mary Sue was going to visit Bill's parents..." Dartha's voice trailed off as they left Maul alone in the kitchen.

Bill? Mary Sue's "wealthy young friend" is BILL? VISIT BILL'S PARENTS? Maul seethed. That drunken fool? What does he have that I don't have? Angrily, he pulled out a pan and slammed it on the stove.

It had a price tag stuck in the middle of the cooking surface.

Curiously, none of the other pans looked used, either. Some of them also had telltale price tags on them. He opened a drawer. It was full of Darthaware tools and utensils still in their bubblewrap. The spice jars had never been opened. The refrigerator was empty except for a neat line of empty Darthaware containers. The only thing in the kitchen that showed signs of use was the microwave--the little numbers had worn off--and the freezer, which was full of Dartha label frozen dinners.

Maul smiled malevolently. He knew Dartha's secret.

***

"Yes, those dastardly little SHITS controllers are on strike, meaning Maul and I were unable to leave the planet..." Sidious was saying, when the proximity alarm went off again. Sidious cursed and reversed his Sith robe to reveal a conservative senatorial cape.

Dartha answered the door. "Bill! Mary Sue! I'm delighted! Come in. Happy Life Day!"

Bill was not delighted. In fact, he remembered back to a time about five years ago when he and the lovely hostess had been embroiled in a torrid affair. He'd even paid for a few of her television specials and infomercials. Nevertheless, he couldn't just turn around and leave now without admitting to the love of his life that he'd boinked her mother, so he smiled, tried not to blush, and offered Dartha some covered dishes. Dartha smiled pleasantly, and tried to remember where she had seen him before.

"Happy Life Day. Uhh... I had my chef whip up some vegetarian dishes for dinner," Bill announced.

"They'll make great side dishes," Maul snarled. He revelled in a surge of hatred for Bill.

"Hi, Maul," Mary Sue said mildly, with a twinkle of amusement in her eye. She handed Maul her covered dishes and took Bill's, saying, "I'll just take these into the kitchen."

As soon as they were alone in the kitchen, Maul snarled, "What does he have that I don't have?" He put Bill's covered dishes in the oven and set it to warm.

"Quadrillions of credits?" Mary Sue smirked, putting her covered dishes in the oven as well. Maul tried not to ogle her butt as she bent over in her tight skirt.

Yeah. Well, there was that.

"He is unworthy of you."

"Of COURSE he is!" Mary Sue giggled. "It's so cute that you're jealous."

"I'm not jealous!"

"Don't worry, Maul," she taunted. "We'll always have Coruscant."

With a snarl of rage, he launched himself at Mary Sue. She laughed. They wrestled on the floor for a few moments, and then she announced, "I'm not wearing panties under this skirt." She grinned evilly and stood, then leaned up against the counter and hiked her skirt enough for him to see her garters. "See? I hoped you'd be here."

Mary Sue looked down at him and gave him The Look. Maul felt his brain go *snap.*

She lifted her skirt a little higher, just enough so Maul could see the tiniest bit of curling hair, and smirked. "Want to see more?"

He whimpered. A very unSithly whimper, but damn she was beautiful.

Her eyes, those blue eyes so disturbingly like her brother's, changed as desire mingled with amusement. She loved torturing him. He knew it. He didn't care. "On your knees," she ordered. He hesitated. She smiled, a dangerous, wicked smile. "Give me what I want, and I'll give you what you want," she said.

He knelt in front of her. He probably scrambled up with undue haste to kneel in front of her, some part of his brain pointed out. The rest of his brain bludgeoned that snarky bit until it whimpered into submission. She smirked a little, sensing the conflict, then pulled her skirt higher. He hesitated again as the snarky bit of his brain tried to come up with some sort of objection before being pumelled into silence again. She reached out and gently pulled his head closer. "Come on," she whispered. "If you don't want to admit you want to, blame me. I made you do it."

He closed his eyes and buried his face between those incredible legs. She moaned and leaned back against the counter. She was worthy, he thought as he wrapped his hands around her butt. He wanted this. He wanted it desperately. He'd always thought Sith Lords were supposed to want to fuck women, not kneel down and please them with no thought of what they were going to get in return, but he'd been wrong because all he wanted was to hear her scream, to feel her tremble and lose control over him, and it was good. It was so fucking good. Nothing this good could be unSithly.

And then she was screaming like he'd never heard her scream, and it was almost enough to make him come himself. Almost. He looked up at her flushed face, then nibbled her thigh and waited for her to recover.

"That was nice," she said, with a sweet smile. "I think you've definitely earned a reward." He looked up at her, unwilling to move from the site of his victory, filled with a ferocious adoration. "I want you inside me."

He had had no idea he could undo his pants that quickly. She smirked at his haste. She pulled him to his feet, and closer, and wrapped a leg around his waist. He was shaking with need, which he thought was odd because a second ago he thought he would be happy to kneel on the floor for the rest of his life. Then he was inside her and he thought he might pass out until she kissed him, roughly, and then he was fucking her hard against the kitchen counter and she was loving it, and he just KNEW he was hot shit. He knew she would never want someone who wasn't. Soon he was yelling and they were both coming and he was certainly glad that kitchen was soundproofed. He leaned up against Mary Sue and nipped a piece of her soft neck and began to suck...

"Hey!" she snapped, smacking his head away. He snarled and rubbed his chin. "No hickies! No visible marks in street clothes!"

"Won't Bill see marks under street clothes when you take your clothes off?" he grumbled, knowing that Mary Sue could never enjoy that unworthy twerp.

"I'm not sleeping with Bill," she said. "I don't plan to, either."

Good, he thought. Not that he was jealous or anything.

***

"So, young man," Palpatine eyed Bill, "what are your intentions towards my daughter?" Not that he gave a shit. He just figured that making Bill nervous might get him a campaign contribution.

"I keep proposing, but she won't say yes!" Bill exclaimed petulantly.

"Yes, yes, Mary Sue is a very independent young woman..." Palpatine said soothingly, as Mary Sue herself wandered out of the kitchen looking slightly flushed, with her hair in slight disarray, and the proximity alarm went off again. Dartha answered the door.

"Ben! Ben! It's lovely to see you. Happy Life Day! Please, come in. Pies, how lovely!" Dartha exclaimed.

"Can I lick the knife?" Ben-Wa asked. Obi-Wan jabbed him in the ribs. "Happy Life Day," he added.

"You must be my other brother," Mary Sue said to Ben-Wa. "The kitchen is this way."

Ben-Wa and Obi-Wan put their pies in the refrigerator. "Come on, Ben-Wa, I'll introduce you to everyone," Mary Sue said.

Obi-Wan sighed and leaned against the counter. "Is it really evil of me to be so annoyed by my brother?" he asked Maul. "I think it's going to take a keg of Guinness to get me through his visit."

Maul shrugged noncommitally, trying to ignore the visions of what drunkenness usually did to himself and Kenobi.

"Of course," the padawan said, running a finger idly across the counter, "if you can think of an alternate way for me to work off my irritation..."

Maul caught his eye and snarled. "How am I supposed to prepare this high-cholesterol meal if you and every other asshole in the universe keeps interrupting me?"

"Oh, Maul, I know you're just playing hard to get." Obi-Wan stepped closer.

Maul grasped a large carving knife and held it in his hand as he shook with rage. It felt good. He turned to Kenobi and frothed in his general direction. Astonishingly, the twit laughed. Maul's rage increased exponentially.

"Okay, okay. I get the point!" Kenobi laughed. Maul considered plunging the knife into his back as he departed.

Sidious was right. Family dinners DID hone one's rage!

***

Maul was about to announce dinner when the proximity alarm went off again. Maul was starting to like the sound, and considered replacing his doorbell with one. He stuck his head out of the kitchen.

Oh, joy. It was Qui-Gon. Drunk Qui-Gon.

"Qui-Gon!" Obi-Wan squealed in delight, hugging him. "Happy Life Day! What are you doing here? I thought you had the Wal-Mart Life Day parade."

"Those SHITS picketers are blocking the parade route," Qui-Gon said. "I brought some processed nerf food slices and white bread! Hope you have mustard! Let's eat."

"I left him a note at my brother's place," Ben-Wa told Dartha, with an endearing grin. "I hope you don't mind." Obi-Wan sighed.

"No, no, not at all," Dartha beamed. I see they really were raised in a barn, she thought. Obi-Wan overheard her, and started to sulk. She took the sandwich meat and bread from Qui-Gon, saying, "Dinner is almost ready, but this will make a LOVELY snack later..."

***

"These nerf steaks have the consistency of foam rubber!" Qui-Gon announced. "Am I supposed to eat them or bonk someone over the head with them?"

"Nerf is supposed to have this texture," Maul snarled. "I pummeled it for ten minutes solid."

"Is somebody going to get me some mustard?" Qui Gon asked impatiently. Darth sighed and signaled to her droid, which scurried to comply.

Obi-Wan was mortified. First Ben-Wa embarrassing him in front of his idol Dartha, and then Master Qui-Gon.

"So, tell me some more about your intentions towards my daughter," Palpatine said to Bill. "I understand that you're well set up to take care of her. Have you ever considered getting more involved in politics?"

"C'mon, Dad. Can't you stop sucking up long enough to eat a meal? At least wait till dessert before you start campaigning, okay?" Mary Sue snapped.

"Mary Sue!" Dartha exclaimed in horror. "That is your father."

"It's okay. Really," Bill said, beaming at Mary Sue's adorable defense of him. He couldn't help himself, he just HAD to affectionately squeeze her knee under the table... "OW!!!!!" He pulled his hand out from under the table. He'd gotten some kind of cramp, and his hand had contracted into a fist and wouldn't relax.

"Oh, sweetie, are you okay?" Mary Sue asked with convincing fake solicitude.

"Must be carpal tunnel or something," Bill muttered.

"Would anyone like a drink?" Dartha asked.

"YES!" everyone exclaimed in unison.

"Scotch, please," Obi-Wan said.

"No, beer," Qui-Gon corrected. "Or wine. No hard liquor for you, padawan. It's bad for your training."

Maybe I could just sniff your breath, then, Obi-Wan thought, wondering if his Master had been drinking with Mace Windu. He sighed.

"I'll take my brother's drink!" Ben-Wa said, sticking his tongue out at his brother. Mysteriously, one of the rolls levitated and struck Ben-Wa squarely between the eyes. Qui-Gon looked suspiciously at Obi-Wan, who looked back with an angelic smirk.

Maul glanced at his master's face. Although he still wore Palpatine's placid smile, his eyes went dark as he soaked up the rage that rose from the other guests.

***

"You must be so proud of him," Dartha told Qui-Gon. "Mary Sue was in the Jedi Academy briefly, but she flunked out."

Mary Sue sighed and glared at her plate. Bill looked up curiously, as did Maul and Obi-Wan.

"Indeed?" Qui-Gon asked.

"It was so embarrassing... Master Yoda called her 'fractious' and 'intractable.' Of course, Mary Sue doesn't really finish anything she starts..."

That's what you think, Maul thought. Mary Sue, overhearing him, smirked slightly.

"How about my bachelor's and master's degrees, Mom?" Mary Sue asked sweetly, a hint of menace under the sugar.

"How's your dissertation coming, honey?" Dartha shot back.

"Oh, bite me," Mary Sue muttered. Dartha would have said something, but the wine tipped over onto the tablecloth at that exact moment. Dartha scrambled to clean it up.

"I don't think flunking out is that embarrassing," Ben-Wa offered. "I mean, not everyone is meant to be a Jedi. I think I was just meant to go into entertainment instead." He laughed. "I can't fight for shit."

"There's more to being a Jedi than fighting, Ben-Wa," Qui-Gon said, comfortingly. Maul considered vomiting.

"Yeah, but if no one is willing to be in the same building with you during lightsaber practice for fear of their life..." Ben-Wa laughed again. "Admit it. I sucked."

Like an Electrolux! Obi-Wan thought. Like Master Yoda after a few beers!

"If the Backdoor Bantha Boyz are any indication, you still suck," Maul said.

"Every chance I get," Ben-Wa declared cheerily, not noticing the mortified look on Dartha's face, and the confused look on Bill's face.

"You're much more in touch with the Living Force than your brother," Qui-Gon said. Ben-Wa beamed. Obi-Wan scowled and drained his wine glass. "And you were very popular with the other students." Obi-Wan sighed and poured himself another glass of wine. Everyone noticed Obi-Wan's discomfort except Qui-Gon.

"Just like at home," Obi-Wan grumbled.

"Did you say something, padawan?" Qui-Gon asked.

"Nothing, Master," Obi-Wan pouted.

"So, honey," Bill said, trying to change the subject back to his sweet little kitten Mary Sue. "You never told me you had a master's degree. What's your dissertation topic?"

"Naboo/Gungan relations in the early republican period; a cultural materialist perspective," Mary Sue answered promptly.

"Sounds interesting," Bill said. "You're having a problem with it?"

"No money," she said, giving Bill a dirty look, glaring at the jacket pocket where she knew he kept his wallet. She then glared at Dartha. "I took a year off to write it but ran out of money."

"Aw, angel, I'll give you money to live on while you write your dissertation..." Bill offered. Mary Sue scowled at the thought of being financially dependent on this fawning puppy, and of trying to get an academic job, and of living on a lecturer's wages...

"Can we talk about my fucking dissertation some other time?" she snarled.

The air was thick with rage, and Palpatine and Maul were soaking it all up. All too soon it was over, replaced with mere uncomfortable silence. "Anyone for pie?" Maul asked.

"I'll help," Ben-Wa offered, following Maul into the kitchen before he could protest.

***

"You've got a lot of animal magnetism, Maul," Ben-Wa said. "Have you considered the entertainment business?"

Maul looked over at his neighbor's twin brother. Despite their being identical twins, there was no difficulty in telling the boys apart, Maul pondered, and it wasn't just Ben-Wa's longer hair and trendier clothes. Maul shrugged.

"You should," Ben-Wa said, moving closer. "You have a lot of sex appeal. I bet you could sell lots of records. I'm guessing you're a death metal fan, right?"

"Look, if you're hitting on me, you might as well give up now," Maul said. "You're really not my type, and besides, I'm already sleeping with both your sister and your brother and that kind of creeps me out. I'd really rather not go three for three; thank you, but no thank you. Ew."

"Anything my brother can do I can do better. Except fight, of course; I'm an unmitigated disaster at that. But I have plenty of other skills that kept me in the academy years after I should have flunked out. If you don't believe me, try me." Ben-Wa dropped to his knees in front of Maul with a saucy grin.

Maul's pulse skyrocketed. He swallowed, hard, and tried to think of a good answer. Part of his brain suggested "No," but the rest of his brain pummelled it into silence.

"Worst fighter ever to win an academy tournament!" Ben-Wa said cheerfully, unbuttoning the fly of Maul's jeans. Maul realized the little twit was lust whammying him. Damn. No wonder the talentless twerp sold so many records. "But there's a different kind of lightsaber I'm quite good with..."

The buzzer on the oven went off, jolting Maul out of Ben-Wa's lust whammy. Angrily, he pulled away and removed the pies from the oven.

Don't stop now, Maul, Palpatine's voice rang in Maul's head. I was enjoying that! You were almost three for three!

You wouldn't, Maul thought. Not even YOU are that much of a perv!

Sidious's only answer was an evil chuckle. He then hit Maul with a whammy he couldn't refuse.

I, Maul thought as his brain went *snap,* am going to KILL Sidious.

***

<smut writer's note--Maul refused to be interviewed on the subject of Ben-Wa. He limited his comments to the statement that while he likes a blow job as much as the next guy, and that as blow jobs go it wasn't that bad, he really prefers to pick whom he gets blow jobs from. And that Ben-Wa is NOT his type.>

***

Ben-Wa emerged from the kitchen with two hot pies and an odd glow. Obi-Wan glared at him. Ben-Wa smirked back.

Maul remained strangely absent.

"Excuse me," Obi-Wan said. "I'll just go help Maul." He gave Ben-Wa another glare.

***

Suck it up. Be a man. Sith Lords do not cower in the kitchen, however horrifying and repulsive their masters' attentions may be. Oh yes, they do, Maul thought. He felt unclean, and wondered what he could do to wipe Sidious's whammy from his mind.

Obi-Wan stormed into the kitchen, a "die bitch die" look in his eyes. That would do it, Maul thought evilly.

"I can't believe you screwed my brother with me in the next room," Obi-Wan spat. "That prick! He's always so competitive with me."

Maul considered attempting to look contrite, but decided it was a ruse he could never pull off. He opted instead for what he hoped was compelling silence.

"I can't believe you actually screwed him with me in the next room," Obi-Wan said, giving Maul a look that was half wounded puppy and half rage.

"Maybe you should teach me a lesson," Maul said. You want me, he whammied in Obi-Wan's general direction. "Wanna fuck?"

Obi-Wan considered this. He was very angry, and his horny neighbor's attempt at a Jedi Mind Trick didn't make him any less angry. On the other hand, his anger didn't really detract from his attraction to his sexy neighbor. Weird.

"You know," Obi-Wan said, quietly, dangerously, "this sort of anger isn't any good for my training. I think I need to work it out." He circled around Maul in a stalk.

"I agree," Maul said, adopting a similarly predatorial stance. They circled around each other, looking for an opening... so to speak.

"In fact, I think I need to show you who here is boss," Obi-Wan said, narrowing his eyes.

"Absolutely," Maul said. "In fact, I'm hoping you teach me a lesson I never forget."

Maul couldn't believe it. Kenobi actually GROWLED at him. It was unbelievably hot. And then lunged at him and grabbed him and slammed him face down on the kitchen counter. Maul growled and struggled, but mainly because he knew it would inflame Obi-Wan. He wanted the padawan angry, and he wanted to lose--he wanted that rage, and he wanted a hot, rough experience to blot out the memory of being the object of Ben-Wa's boring, passionless, highly technical performance. And despite half-hearted struggling he was definitely losing--Obi-Wan was managing without much trouble to pin him down and work his pants off. He kicked and struggled, but Kenobi was bigger than him.

He felt something slick pressing up against his ass, and he wondered what the hell Obi-Wan had found to use as lube, but when he tried to turn and look the padawan slammed him angrily back down on the counter again. Good, he thought.

He was always surprised by how big the twit was. He whimpered, and found himself pressing himself up into it, his body begging for more without bothering to consult him first as the padawan buried that huge, hot cock completely inside him. "What? you like that? Maybe you should admit it for once," Kenobi taunted angrily.

"Shut up and fuck me, you padawan twit," Maul snarled. Obi-Wan responded by slamming into him viciously, over and over. Obi-Wan's hips were making a rhythmic slapping noise against his butt that was almost drowned out by Maul's ragged, raspy breathing.

"You like this," Obi-Wan hissed. "What? did you screw him just so you would piss me off enough to give you what you want?"

"Shut up and give it to me," Maul growled.

"I ought to stop," Kenobi snarled, but his hips showed no signs of slowing down. "Did you like it?"

"No." Obi-Wan was so startled that he lost his rhythm. "Don't stop," Maul said, before he could stop himself. Obi-Wan renewed his attack with increased enthusiasm, determined to give Maul the fucking of his life. Oh, yes, by the Force, give me all of it! Maul thought before coming with a noise that was somewhere between a howl and a shout, followed quickly by Kenobi.

***

Dartha, Mary Sue, and Qui-Gon sensed the hot, angry, feral lust emanating from the kitchen and squirmed uncomfortably. Palpatine stared glassy-eyed into space with a happy smirk, and Ben-Wa was eating the hot apple pie directly from the serving plate with his salad fork. Bill was oblivious.

"Do you think they need help with the... uh, serving thingies?" Bill asked.

"Oh, no, I'm sure they'll be fine," Mary Sue said soothingly. "It's a big kitchen, and sometimes it takes a minute or two to find things." Ben-Wa waited until no one was looking and leered at Qui-Gon, who quickly hid a grin.

Bill stood. "Let me just see what's taking them so long. Maybe I can help."

"NO!" five voices chorused, with accompanying whammies. Bill slumped to the floor.

"I think we overdid it," Mary Sue observed.

***

Maul felt his horns to ensure that they were still attached, then tucked in his shirt. Maybe Life Day wasn't so bad after all. He had taken most of Obi-Wan's rage, and was feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.

"I'm still mad," Obi-Wan admitted, but his eyes burned.

"You're better than he is," Maul offered.

"Oh, Maul! do you mean it?" Obi-Wan asked, completely disarmed and blushing happily.

"Absolutely," Maul said. "He's an insipid little twit. YOU are hot shit." Which is disturbing, since you're also a perky little... Kenobi grabbed Maul and gave him a kiss that went clear through him and settled in his groin, then, with a happy little smile and a bounce in his step, gathered up two pies and carried them out. Maul leered at his back, then followed him with more pies.

***

By Maya, the Mad Mambolica. Click to see larger image.

Maul and Obi-Wan put the pies on the table. "We have our choice of chocolate cream, strawberry cheesecake, coconut cream, and lemon chiffon," Obi-Wan announced. "Who wants what?"

"We started without you," Ben-Wa said, indicating the apple pie plate, which now held only a ring of crust. "In fact, I'm stuffed. You want to finish mine? You always did like my leftovers." He looked up at his brother with a truly evil smirk.

Maul felt an impressive disturbance in the Force. Obi-Wan Kenobi, his cheerful, perky little twit neighbor, was mad. Really mad. Dark Side mad.

The lemon chiffon pie levitated and struck Ben-Wa squarely in the face. "Obi-Wan!" Qui-Gon rebuked.

Bill stirred and stood up, unsteadily.

The chocolate pie levitated and hit Bill in the face, knocking him down again. "Oh, shit!" Ben-Wa said, watching the tycoon crumple to the floor a second time. "My aim hasn't gotten any better! Oh, man, I'm so sorry."

"Oh, honey, here, let me help you," Mary Sue said, dipping her napkin into her water glass and "accidentally" sending the cheesecake sailing with her elbow... directly into Qui-Gon's face. "Oh! No! I'm sorry!"

One pie left. Maul looked at his master. The senator's eyes were half closed, and he was smiling, reveling in the hate. Good.

Maul picked up the coconut cream pie and wondered if he could get away with pieing his master. He'd certainly earned it. Maul would certainly enjoy the defiance. But no. If he were going to rise up and slay his master, it would not be with pie.

Everyone looked at Maul, except for Bill, who was complaining bitterly about the indignity of it all and being comforted by Mary Sue. Maul looked at Mary Sue, then at Bill, and his expensive designer jacket, and at Palpatine, and back at Bill's jacket.

Something in his head clicked. The coconut cream pie found itself smeared all over Bill's jacket.

"I'm so sorry," Maul said, humbly, as Bill struggled to get the jacket off. "Please, let me get that dry-cleaned for you."

That was pretty much the end of Dartha's Life Day party.

***

Driving Maul back to his apartment, Sidious complained, "Well, my incompetant apprentice, Dartha's party was a disaster, thanks to you!"

"ME?" Maul protested.

"Yes, you! Off busy in the kitchen screwing my three children instead of helping me get a contribution out of that Bill fellow."

"Screwing--!!" Maul sputtered. "You're the perv who..."

"Doesn't he own a major technology corporation?" Sidious continued, waving at the traffic signals to make them change.

"MacroStiff," Maul offered.

"Whatever," Sidious snapped, and sighed. "And we walk away without a dime. I'm very disappointed."

Silently, Maul reached into Bill's jacket pocket and handed his master the quadrillionaire's wallet.

Sidious's eyes glittered in the night. "It's a shame Sith do not date Sith," Sidious said. "I could almost kiss you." He cackled evilly. "I'll let my children do that for me. You're three for three now, aren't you?" he teased.

"Don't remind me," Maul groaned.

"You don't like Ben-Wa?" Sidious cackled.

"He's a vapid ho."

"You say that like it's a bad thing! Why, if he weren't my own flesh and blood..."

"Do you want to see those nerf steaks again?" Maul rumbled threateningly.

"I also recommend Dartha highly," Sidious suggested, cheerfully ignoring Maul's nausea. Maul growled. "So, did you learn anything today, my apprentice?"

"Family gatherings are excellent for honing one's hatred. It almost makes me wish I had a family myself."

"You could go back to the Tauntauns," Sidious suggested. "But I much prefer to watch you interact with mine. Why, if I knew families were this much fun I would have paid more attention. It's like having apprentices to torture, only they aren't SUPPOSED to rise up and slay you!" He cackled.

Maul sincerely hoped his master never procreated again. Once was bad enough.

(7/19/99)

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