Sith Academy: Darth Maul vs. the Dentist
by Tenshi No Korin
[Read Tenshi's author bio]
Disclamer: Really, George, if you go through all the trouble of suing us, you will have no time to make the next movie, which will give you oodles more cash than suing our sorry asses.
"Maul! what are you doing that's productive to our cause?"
The dark lord of the Sith jumped, dropping both his Playstation controller and his bowl of cereal. The latter landed on his apprentice with a marshmallow-tinged milk and sugar splat, and got Maul a hefty claw swipe across the shins. The indignant tabby began cleaning her fur methodically, eyeing Maul just coldly enough so the humanoid knew who was boss.
"Ah, Master! I was just um...having breakfast?" Maul subtly toed the save button on his console so Jedi vs. Sith Streetfighter Ultima Platinum VI would stay where he left it. Specifically, with his character whomping Mace Windu's Jedi buttocks.
Lord Sidious oozed over to the coffee table and eyed the box of cereal, picking it up between thumb and forefinger as if it were something highly unpleasant--like an action figure of Yoda. "Jedi Force Crunch?" he repeated in blatant disbelief. "I leave you alone to buy your own groceries and you buy WIMPY JEDI MARSHMELLOW CEREAL?!!"
Maul managed not to flinch too much in the face of his master's wrath. "Forgive me, my master...but I am fond of grinding little Jedi icons between my molars." He rummaged in the box and produced a green Qui-Gon Jinn shaped marshmallow, and crunched it gleefully.
"Ah." Sidious seemed relived. "I feared you might be eating it for the disgusting sugary 100% of vitamins and minerals part of a complete breakfast."
Maul looked aghast. "No, my master. It is revolting. I eat it to ah...hone my hatred."
Maul's cat eyed him from the floor, her eyes accusatory.
Liar, she thought at him, knowing he bought it for the neato lightsaber keychain that he only needed 399 more box tops to get free. He kicked her and flashed a toothy innocent snarl at his master.
"Hmm... Maul, speaking of molars... I think we should do something about those teeth of yours." Sidious folded his arms and tilted his head back in a way that was meant to look menacing, but Maul knew it was because the Sith lord was trying to see with his hood pulled practically down to his chin.
"What is wrong, my master? They aren't turning white, are they?" Maul glanced about for something reflective, and fetched up his metal bowl, peering into the milk spattered depths. From what he could tell, his teeth still looked perfectly gooey and nasty. Then again, that could be the extra cup of sugar he'd dumped in his cereal, and was sludging up the bottom of the bowl.
"No, my young and sugar-high apprentice. I feel it is time for you to visit...the dentist."
The bowl clattered to the floor (and onto the cat, who swiped Maul again but the Sith lord took no notice). Maul shut his gaping jaw with a snap. "Master.. I'm honored. I know you think me powerful in the dark side but... the DENTIST?"
"Yes, Maul...now put on something besides those Sithly boxer shorts and tend to the apprentice-given wounds on your shins. We must be off."
"I thought we were already," Maul muttered, grabbing his Sith Lords Kick Ass t-shirt and mopping up his scrapes. His favorite beloved garment was worn to almost two strings and a patch of silk-screening; but his master had pitied him (and refused to be seen in public with him while wearing the thing) and had bought him another. The new one was also black, and proudly proclaimed in jagged red letters "Sith lords kick JEDI ass." It still smelled like new t-shirt, but Maul had hung it in the living room in hopes that it would soon exude the aroma of burnt pizza and cigarette smoke. He pulled it on along with his least crunchy pair of jeans, and followed his master out of the apartment.
"Do you have an appointment?" the friendly cheerful tidily dressed desk attendant asked perkily. Maul fought his wave of nausea and passed one hand in front of her face.
"Sith do not need appointments."
"Sith do not need appointments," She echoed, still perkily.
Maul grinned in satisfaction and eyed the perkiest parts of her anatomy. "You WILL go out with me on Friday."
"I will go out with you-"
"Maul!" Sidious snapped, catching him in the act. "You are letting your baser desires take control of your actions! While this is fine and dandy, you have training duties on Friday. Release her from obligation."
Maul sighed and waved his hand in the opposite direction, dispelling the mind whammy. "yadirF no em htiw tuo og LLIW uoY!"
The assistant blinked, released. "What was that? Oh, please have a seat, sir. The doctor will see you shortly."
Maul settled sulkily into a plastic chair while his master eyed the print of two hideously sweet children crossing over a dangerously ramshackle bridge, watched over by a blue-glowing Jedi ghost. Sidious seemed to be honing his own hatred.
Bored, Maul poked at the magazines. Jedi Digest, The Gungan's Guide To Cooking Light ("Wessa makin' salads now, okieday?") and TimeSpace. Maul picked up the red-bordered copy of the latter, flipping to the entertainment section, gleefully discovering a review of Phantom Menace. The glee turned to a glower. Not only was the review tepid, but there were FOUR pics of that Obi-Wan brat and only ONE of him. Annoying little shrimp! Maul could almost hear his snooty voice right now-
"Goodness! I really never expected to find YOU here, Neighbor! How are you? Not a toothache I hope?"
Maul seethed, trying to bat away the nice cooties the cheerful padawan was shedding. "No. And I hope you had to have a root canal. Four of them."
Obi-Wan laughed cheerfully and Maul quietly shredded the armrest of the chair. Sidious leaned over to hiss "Good. .very good!" before returning to his copy of Frederick's of Coruscant. Platforms were on sale.
"Oh, that's why I like you! Your sense of humor! Jedi don't get cavities, silly!"
"What?" Maul snorted, thinking something must be cosmically unjust in the universe. "Then why are you here?"
"No, no, our alignment to good protects us from all of that." He flashed a bright white grin so dazzling that the Sith lord began fumbling in his jeans pocket for his mirrored gargoyle shades. By the time he got them comfortably settled around his horns, the Jedi brat had stopped grinning.
Unfortunately, that did not mean he'd shut his mouth.
"On my days off I come over here to soothe patients with the jitters, I just figure it's a nice thing to do!" Smile.
Wince. "Weren't you trying to sell me Jedi scout cookies the other day?" Maul snapped, really prepared to knock out a few of those shiny alabaster teeth when the perky receptionist's clone appeared in the doorway.
"We're ready for you, Mr. Maul." she twittered. Maul leered.
"Oh no you aren't..." He paused only long enough to give the Jedi padawan a good frap with his rolled up copy of TimeSpace.
Obi-Wan rubbed the back of his head, then grinned at Sidious. "That was affectionate abuse! I think he's getting to like me!"
Sidious made a noncommittal noise and double-checked the prices on fishnets.
"Now then, You just get comfy and the dentist will be right with you...are there any particular teeth that are bothering you?"
Maul bared his teeth in a Sith mating gesture. The dental assistant jumped back with a small yelp.
"My! Um... you seem to have some buildup there.. Let's ah...let's get an x-ray, hmm?" She busied herself in the cabinet nearby as Maul took stock of his surroundings. A cold, sterile room, it smelled like droids and antiseptic, and there was a poster of a cheerful white molar with a toothbrush and an apple in its gloved hands. It was tap-dancing.
Once again, Maul sought the dark side to dispel his tossing stomach.
"Now then, I want you to hold this in your mouth for me."
Maul, pleased things had advanced this far without use of a mind whammy, opened his mouth obediently.
This is just too good...
And got a hard square plastic something rammed into his mouth, and his jaw clamped down over it.
"Hold that there and don't move!" the girl chirped, and Maul growled in thwarted fury. Sith or not, the x-ray plate was digging holes in his hard palate and making his eyes water. He reached up to throttle the insolent mortal girl and found his arms pinned to the chair by a lead-lined apron that weighed slightly more than Jabba the Hutt--the puppet version.
Incapacitated without so much as a twitch, the Sith struggled to move while the girl aimed a large metal scope at the rod in his teeth, ramming it against the rubber guard enough times to shove the plastic mouth torment deeper into Maul's jaw.
"Gooood! I'll be right back."
Frustration and rage began to eat at the Sith Lord's insides, blinding him with a black fury. From somewhere he heard his master's voice crooning encouragement of his apprentice's wrath, then something about corsets on sale and the communication was broken.
Maul had just about gathered enough darkness to heave the lead apron off with the girl twitched it off him easily, stunning the Sith lord. These Dental assistants must be very powerful in the force. He must be cautious.
She removed the x-ray and folded it neatly, and retracted the vile x-ray plate from Maul's mouth. The Sith lord was so relived to have the damnable thing gone that he forgot he was planning to eviscerate her, and by the time he remembered she was gone.
* * *
"There you are, My padawoot! I've been looking all over for you!" Master Qui-Gon Jinn's shoulders took up the vast majority of the doorway, superhero style. Obi-Wan practically glowed with adoration.
"I'm sorry I'm late, Master, but my neighbor is here and I just thought I'd stick around until I made sure he was okay."
Qui-Gon patted his apprentice's shoulder (he'd only done so 64 times today, and 75 was his "we're in public and really it's platonic I swear but damn if I can't keep my hands off you" shoulder pat limit) and smiled with pride.
"That is very kind of you, Obi-Wan, to feel sympathy for your neighbor. Even if he is a biker wannabe weirdo and I don't like you hanging out with his kind."
Obi-Wan opened his mouth to respond, but an enraged cry from the back room interrupted. Sidious flipped a page and grinned to himself, content with how his apprentice's frustration was growing exponentially.
"I'd better go see if I can help," Obi-Wan decided, hitching up his robes and hurrying to assist.
Master Qui-Gon, left at loose ends until his padawan finished his mercy mission, glanced around for something to hold his interest. Flipping catalogue pages caught his eye, and he loomed surreptitiously over Sidious's shoulder.
The dark lord of the Sith was filled with evil glee. First his apprentice was writhing in pent up rage, and now biker lingerie was on clearance. And to top it off, he'd be blessed if that Jedi master wasn't reading over his black shrouded shoulder.
Sidious gave an evil chuckle. Crotchless vinyl was one of the many paths to the dark side.
* * *
"Get back," Maul snarled, brandishing the syringe he'd yanked from his own gums. "Or I'll numb something of yours!!"
"Now, dear," the hygienist cooed. "I did warn you that there would be a pinch-"
"A PINCH!" Maul roared, shaking the tiles. "Any Sith can endure a pinch! But YOU, VILE WOMAN, ENDEVORED TO RAM SIX INCHES OF NEEDLE INTO MY SINUS CAVITY!! VIA MY UPPER MANDABLES!!!"
The dentist rubbed her temples, this was no way to make a living, but she had seventy-eight payments still to make on her Mitsubishi Starfire convertible.
"May I be of assistance?" Someone inquired politely. The Dentist could have hugged Obi-Wan in relief. In fact, she did. He was just so darned cute!
Maul made strangled noises as he fought his gag reflex, trickier now that his upper lip was feeling quite peculiar.
"Now then, Maul," Obi-Wan said, in a soothing tone, his face covered with lipstick prints. "Climb down off the light fixture and let the lovely doctor here look at your teeth."
"I'll turn to the light side of the Force first!" Maul hissed, but wobbled. "I'll dress up as Yoda for Halloween! I'll use my lightsaber for a can...open..." He realized belatedly he should never have let the dental assistant hold that mask over his face for so long, but he had been getting such a nice view of her cleavage... He lost his grip on his perch, and the world went black.
He came to with a jackhammer lodged somewhere in his skull, rattling him violently. The chair was tipped back so far that all his blood had rushed to his horns, and to make it worse the first face he saw was that contemptible Jedi's--the one so well-made for the fronts of potato chip bags.
He reached up and grabbed the startled whelp by the throat, chortling in glee as he crushed the Jedi's trachea, reveling in the dying blood foaming out of his mouth-
That was the PLAN, anyway. He didn't get as far as the reaching bit before he discovered he was under restraints.
"Now Maul." Obi-Wan gave him a mock pout. "You be good and it's almost over now. It's all your own fault for not flossing."
Maul's inarticulate howl of defeat was blocked by some horrible suction device that was rammed down his throat, surely trying to vacuum his esophagus.
Sidious only barely noted that his student had learned a valued lesson today, too busy discussing the merits and flaws of flavored oils with Master Qui-Gon Jinn.
Two hours later, duly cowed by the awesome power of the dental hygiene side of the Force, Darth Maul let himself be led out of the office and settled quietly in a chair. Numb with rage and defeat and the better part of a barrel of novocaine, he duly accepted his master's reproving look.
"Have we learned something about our pride today Maul?"
"Yes, my master." Maul muttered. His lips were not functioning properly.
Very good then. What's that in your hand?"
"Toothpaste, my master." Maul clutched it desperately. It was his only prize in a day of defeat.
"There are Jedi on it." Sidious informed him. Maul looked blank.
"I endured torment for this, Master. I do not give a shit who decorates the tube. It is MINE!" The snarl he flashed was with a mouthful of perfect, even white teeth. Sidous smiled, certain his protege was as yet uninformed of his dental reformation.
"As you wish, my apprentice."
"I hope you get to feeling better!" Obi-Wan called cheerily, being led out on the arm of his master.
Maul did not even have the spirit to do more than trip him on his way out.
"Here, my young apprentice." Sidious shoved a clipboard of papers at Maul. "You must attend to these."
"What are they?" Maul flipped through the barrage of muddlesome triplicate pages, a pile of red tape fodder that made his tax forms seem like the I Am a Jedi book.
"Your insurance forms, " Sidious crooned in delight, feeding off the wellspring of rage in his apprentice as blue sparkly toothpaste exploded from the ruptured tube in Maul's fist.
"DEATH!! DEATH TO YOU ALL!!!" Maul waded into the dental office with saber blades blazing, his impressive array of canines and incisors glowing with perfect purity.
Sidious ducked under the counter to avoid the carnage, using the office phone to dial in his order to Frederick's. That Jedi had particularly recommended the blueberry forcelightning flavor of body butter, and after all, those platforms were SO on clearance...
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