Maul Keeps The Peace
by joan the english chick
[Read Joan's author bio]
"Stuffed Ewoks! Geeeetcher stuffed Ewoks!" The cry made Maul's head whip around, but he shrugged in disappointment when he realized the caller was selling children's toys, not a delicious afternoon snack.
Turning away, Maul surveyed the crowd with distaste. The annual Coruscant Flea Market had begun early that morning, and a good five square miles of the planet's surface were covered with booths, tables, and people. Especially people. Beings, creatures, and entities of all types and descriptions shoved and jostled in the hot summer air, each desperate to find that one bargain that would make it all worthwhile. The vendors, of course, were equally desperate to get rid of all their goods, lest they be forced to haul everything back home and put it up for sale at 10% of its value on eBay.
Maul himself wouldn't have been here at all, except that he needed a new spatula. He got a little warm under the collar just thinking about how Obi-Wan had worn the last one out ... well, best not to think about that right now. He cleared his throat firmly and moved on, searching in vain for the spatula of his dreams.
A few stalls away, Maul caught sight of Qui-Gon Jinn and quickly turned away to avoid being spotted. But he managed to overhear the conversation as the large Jedi approached an information booth and spoke to the perky blonde sitting behind it. "Good afternoon, my child," he said serenely. "I am in need of a new bong for my deeper contemplation of the living Force."
The blonde smiled perkily and pointed (no, no, with her finger). "Kitchenware!" she explained cheerfully. The Jedi inclined his head in thanks and moved off. Maul followed, taking care to stay out of sight. The last thing he needed was for Obi-Wan's hippie master to spot him and start asking questions.
Browsing through the vast displays of cooking utensils, Maul became aware of an altercation taking place a few booths over. The participants appeared to be a reasonably normal-looking male humanoid and some sort of shrill-voiced green amphibian sitting in an anti-gravity chair.
"I don't care how rare they are, Sparky," the humanoid was saying, "they're not in the budget. We're here on business, remember?"
"Barbarian!" the green creature retorted shrilly. "Don't you know a genuine masterpiece when you see one?"
"I know a stalled pickup when I see one, and that's what Moya's gonna be if we don't get these ... dilithium crystals or whatever back to her pretty damn soon," came the retort, as the man patted a leather bag hanging over his shoulder.
As the argument continued, Maul looked down and was badly startled to discover Yoda standing beside him, watching the other two as well, with the air of a child in a candy store. Yoda glanced up and caught Maul's eye.
"Mm, a tight ass he has, yes?" the diminutive Jedi observed with a leer, nudging Maul's lower leg. Maul winced in disgust.
"I didn't notice," he lied. Yoda cackled.
"Get my hands on it, I would like to!" he chortled. "But that companion of his, an even better catch he is!"
Yeah, he would be lusting after the only other thing around that's smaller and greener than him, Maul thought to himself. And immediately thought, Ew! and started to turn away.
"Keep your slimy thoughts to yourself, you little perv," he muttered under his breath.
"Heard that I did!" Yoda returned merrily. "More respect you should show your elders, young Jedi!"
Maul seethed internally at being called a Jedi, but managed to keep it inside. The argument across the aisle was getting more interesting as the humanoid was trying to take something away from the green alien, who was holding onto it with all his might.
"Let go, Crichton! It's mine!" he squeaked. "Or I will help you not!"
"I don't want your help, Rygel, I want to get back to the ship!" the man called Crichton yelled back, still trying to wrench the knick-knack out of his companion's grasp. Just then a communicator on his lapel beeped.
"Crichton," said a voice from the small device, "what's taking so long? We need to get moving before I go stupid in this sun."
"Yeah Aeryn, we've got the-" Crichton began, but he never finished the sentence as the distraction was all Rygel needed to pull his treasured item free. Crichton stumbled backward and bumped into Maul, who instinctively started to grab him in a choke-hold, but fortunately the other man got his balance before Maul could finish the act.
"Uh, sorry," Crichton mumbled distractedly, casting around for Rygel. "Uh, which way did he go?"
"Beats me," Maul grumbled, taking a peek ... er, I mean, definitely NOT taking any peeks whatsoever at Crichton's ass from this closer vantage point.
Crichton whirled round in circles, trying to look everywhere at once. "Damn that little toad, always frelling things up," he muttered.
"I know the feeling," Maul replied as he turned to leave, sensing that the entertainment was over. Silly Maul. You'd think he would know better by now.
"Hey!" said Crichton suddenly, grabbing Maul's arm as Maul tried again to make his way out of the section. "Tell your little green guy to stay away from my, uh, my little green guy."
"My ... I do NOT have a little green guy!" Maul thundered, simultaneously looking suspiciously in the direction the other man had pointed. A few booths away he spotted Rygel and Yoda, apparently having some sort of argument. Yoda had hopped up on a table and seized Rygel by the arm, and the other green abomination was trying to shake him free.
"Crichton!" called a faint voice, and the other man yelled back, "Over here!" right in Maul's ear, making Maul wince and scowl.
"What's going on, why aren't we ready to leave?" asked the voice, which Maul recognized as the voice that had come from Crichton's communicator moments ago. Three women came running up to join the strange man. Maul's jaw dropped and his mouth went dry as, deep within his hypothalamus, some little imp turned the dial marked "testosterone" up to high. In the back of his mouth another imp turned the dial marked "drool" up as well, while a third imp in his medulla oblongata turned the "higher brain functions" dial down to super-low.
The women were variously colored, one pink, one blue, and one grey, with variously colored hair as well -- brown on the pink woman, white on the grey woman, and no hair at all on the blue. The blue one wore a long, flowing blue dress cut low in the neckline. The grey one was stuffed tightly into a shiny bodice. And the brunette wore a black tank top and -- Maul heard himself whimper softly -- black combat pants with some serious weaponry tucked into the leg holsters.
While Maul was busy sinking into lust-induced coma, the other man was attempting to explain the situation to the women. "...stubborn about some trinket he found over there," he was saying as Maul managed to tune back in. The women all looked irritated.
"Well, grab him by the mivonks if you have to, but let's get the hezmana out of here," the brunette said. "It's much too warm for my comfort on this frelling planet."
"I really find it quite lovely," the blue woman murmured drunkenly, lifting her arms toward the sky and smiling beatifically. The others rolled their eyes.
"Crichton, just grab Rygel and let's go before Aeryn melts and Zhaan starts sprouting leaves," the grey woman urged.
"Oh, shut up, Chiana," Aeryn groused, and it might have gotten ugly, but just then a cry rang out from the two green creatures a few tables down.
"Hey! What the frell do you think you're doing?" Rygel was yelling at Yoda, who had grabbed him by the lapels. The antigrav chair made unpleasant whining noises as it attempted to pull away.
"Master Yoda, what are you doing?" cried Obi-Wan, running up with his sister close behind. Maul groaned and covered his face with one hand.
"Unhand me, I say!" shouted the creature in the chair, and with Obi-Wan pulling at Yoda, the chair managed to pop free. It shot toward Maul and the others, but it was Maul who unintentionally served as the chair's brake, stopping it with his face. He fell back onto his ass as the chair whirred to a stop.
"About time, Rygel, now let's get-" Aeryn began, but suddenly Yoda reappeared, making a spectacular running leap that would surely have qualified him for the Jedi Olympics if he hadn't been permanently banned over that pole-vault incident a few years back. He landed atop the creature in the chair, and both creature and chair shrieked in protest.
"Get off! Get off!" shouted Rygel, beating at Yoda as he fiddled with the chair's controls. It began to lift higher into the air. Flailing, Rygel caught hold of Crichton and clung to him. Unfortunately, though, he had grabbed Crichton by his clothing -- more specifically, by the bag he wore over his shoulder. The straps tore free as the chair ascended into the sky and sped off, carrying with it Yoda, the protesting Rygel, and the leather bag.
"Woo hoo hoo, show you the ways of the Force I will, yes!" came Yoda's voice drifting back on the breeze, making Maul shudder as he lay on the ground trying to regain his balance.
"FRELL!" yelled Chiana at the top of her lungs. Aeryn had unholstered her sidearm and was taking aim at the retreating shape. Crichton lunged at her, grabbing her arm and turning the weapon away.
"Aeryn, no!" he exclaimed. "Rygel's got the dilithium crystals! You'll blow up the whole planet!" She gave him a blank look.
"Yeah, you know, the things that make the ship go."
"The energy propulsion matrices?" Chiana put in.
"Uh, yeah, whatever, those little crystal things. They're all in that bag he took."
"Is anyone else having deja vu?" Aeryn asked with a scowl.
Meanwhile, Obi-Wan was helping Maul up, as Mary Sue looked on with a sour expression. "Are you okay?" the Jedi asked solicitously. Maul scowled.
"That Yoda is a menace to society," he grumbled, fingering the large bump on his forehead where the antigrav chair had hit him. Obi-Wan nodded agreement.
"Yeah, but at least you can pass this off as another horn," he observed with a smirk. Maul was not amused. "What are you doing here, anyway?" Obi-Wan added curiously. Then he grinned and nudged Maul. "Looking for a new spatula?"
"No," Maul lied sulkily. "Just passing through. And I could ask you the same question."
"Oh, just a girls' day out, shopping with Mary Sue," Obi-Wan said. "She ... what's she doing?"
They both looked up to find Mary Sue whispering something in Aeryn's ear. The alien woman gave her an astonished look and backhanded her. Mary Sue went flying backward and crashed into Crichton, who caught her, blushed fiercely, and quickly pulled his hands away as if they'd been burned. Mary Sue completely ignored him, directing a murderous glare at Aeryn.
"Aeryn, what the hell did she say to you?" Crichton asked in astonishment as Obi-Wan jumped up to restrain his angry sister and Maul watched with interest. Hey, this was almost as good as pay-per-view.
"She insulted my fighting skills," Aeryn growled, never taking her eyes from Mary Sue. Obi-Wan stared.
"What? But you've never even seen her fight!" he exclaimed to Mary Sue.
"I can arrange that," Aeryn promised dangerously. "You could use a good fight."
"Try me!" Mary Sue snarled back, but Obi-Wan managed to restrain her.
"Aeryn, just let it go, okay? We gotta get Rygel back," said Crichton. Turning to Maul, he added, "I saw you talking to that little green guy. You a friend of his?"
"Perish the thought!" Maul sneered. "I was merely attempting to escape his irritating presence."
"Master Yoda's not usually that, um, unruly," Obi-Wan mused. "I mean, aggressive, yeah, but actually kidnapping someone?"
"Well, we gotta get him back, and fast," Chiana said. "Is there any-"
"Waaaaaaait, wait a minute, hold on," Crichton interrupted, staring at Obi-Wan. "Did, did you say Yoda?"
"Um ... yes?" Obi-Wan replied uncertainly, glancing at Maul, who shrugged.
"No way! That was Yoda? You're shittin' me!" Crichton looked closer at Obi-Wan. "And you must be, like, Obi-Wan, right? Damn, I heard they were makin' another one of those! You were great in 'Trainspotting' by the way, hey Aeryn, you're never gonna believe this." He looked over at the staring contest. "Aeryn?"
"Yeah yeah, Yoda from Dagobah, I heard," she replied, not taking her eyes from Mary Sue. "I say we forget about Rygel, find another propulsion matrix and get the frell off this planet."
"It took us all morning just to find those three matrices," Chiana objected. "We have to get Rygel back." She turned to Obi-Wan. "Do you have any idea where your Yoda would have taken him?"
"He is NOT my Yoda," Obi-Wan said firmly. Maul nodded approval.
"What exactly does Yoda want with Rygel anyway?" Crichton asked. Maul and Obi-Wan both found something extremely interesting to look at in the distance.
"Oh, probably the same thing Yoda always wants, a nice long roll in the hay," Mary Sue said, still locked in silent battle with Aeryn. Crichton blanched.
"What?!" he exclaimed. Obi-Wan nodded sadly. Maul just grimaced. "This is not happening," Crichton muttered to himself.
"Maul," said Obi-Wan quietly in Maul's ear, "we have to find them."
"Why? It's not our problem," Maul shrugged. "I say good riddance."
"But these people can't leave without their..." Obi-Wan paused as he remembered that Maul didn't give a crap. "Okay, look at it this way. How pissed off will Yoda be if we deprive him of a good shag?"
Maul considered this for a moment, and the corners of his mouth curved upward. "Okay, I'm in." Obi-Wan smirked triumphantly. "But we don't even know where to look."
"I have a few ideas." Obi-Wan turned to Crichton. "Don't worry, they can't have gotten far in that antigrav chair."
"Yeah, okay," Crichton agreed. "Chiana, you keep an eye on Aeryn and Zha ... where's Zhaan?"
Everyone looked around (except Mary Sue and Aeryn), but the blue woman was nowhere to be found. "Zhaan! Zhaan!" yelled Crichton, slapping his communicator repeatedly with no effect. "Dammit, she's off somewhere having a photogasm. Chiana..."
"Yeah, yeah, I'll find her," Chiana sighed. "You go find Rygel. And try to stay out of trouble."
Crichton looked injured and started to object, but Obi-Wan intercepted him.
"Come on, let's leave these bints to their catfight and go rescue your lizard," the Jedi urged.
"What did he call me?" Aeryn demanded without blinking or turning.
"Something wrong with your hearing?" Mary Sue taunted. Aeryn's expression became, if possible, even more scowling. Inside Maul's hypothalamus, the little imp reached for the testosterone dial and tried to turn it up even higher, then cursed and fumed and hopped around shaking its hand as the dial snapped clean off.
"Maul, come ON," Obi-Wan ordered, grabbing him by a belt-loop. They strode off, followed closely by Crichton.
"What are we doing here? It's not Friday. It's not even nighttime," Maul said as Obi-Wan led them up to the front door of the Grey Side.
"I know, but I have a hunch," the padawan replied. "Come on, it's around back."
"What's around back?"
"The back door," he smirked. Maul rolled his eyes and followed. Crichton tagged along behind, wide-eyed.
The back door was unlocked and let them into a dark hallway with several doors along it. Obi-Wan stopped outside one closed door. "This is it," he whispered.
"What are these, like supply closets?" Crichton whispered back. Obi-Wan nodded.
"Yeah, but they make a great place for a horny little Jedi Master to slip away to when he's too impatient to make it to the car." Maul shuddered and felt Crichton doing the same.
"Wait, you guys were kidding about that, right?" Crichton said hesitantly. "I mean, this is Yoda we're talking about."
"I think you probably know a different Yoda," Maul whispered back. "Now come on."
Maul threw himself at the door. Unfortunately for him, it wasn't locked. It flew open and he landed on his face, which made a nice change from landing on his ass. Prudently, however, he took advantage of the situation by staying there and staring at the floor so he wouldn't have to see what Yoda was up to with Rygel.
"Ooh, yes, ready for takeoff my shuttlecraft is!" he heard, and then, "Crichton! Thank the gods!" and "Master Yoda, this is the last straw."
Belatedly, Maul found himself thinking about the kinds of things that spill, and happen, on the floor of a storeroom in the back of a bar. He nearly levitated upright, and was relieved to find that everyone was fully clothed.
"...fun I wanted to have," Yoda was grumbling as Crichton reinstated Rygel in his chair.
"Yes, but kidnapping someone for sex? That's extreme even for you, Master," Obi-Wan chided. "I really think you need to get some help."
"I can't believe that's Yoda," Maul heard Crichton mumble as he made his way past, leading Rygel. "I knew my childhood was warped, but Christ!"
A few days later, Maul was sitting on his sofa, gingerly fingering the fading lump on his forehead and thinking wistfully of Zhaan, Chiana, and the radiant Aeryn Sun. It had been afternoon by the time he and Crichton and Rygel had returned to the flea market and located the others. Obi-Wan had gone off to take Yoda to a sexaholics rehab clinic. Aeryn and Mary Sue had still been locked in mortal struggle when they returned, but they had reluctantly agreed to call it a draw. "There's only room for one warrior bitch goddess on this planet, dammit," Maul had heard Mary Sue muttering to herself as she sashayed off.
"Oh, Maul, quit moping," Obi-Wan grumbled, emerging from the kitchen with two beers and snapping Maul out of his reverie. "They're gone and you didn't get to fuck any of them. Get over it."
"I don't know what you're talking about," Maul sulked, taking a swig of his Pete's. There was a knock on the door.
"Go away," Maul called.
"No, let me in you must," came a dreaded voice from the hallway. Obi-Wan's eyes widened in surprise.
"No, don't let him in!" Maul exclaimed, but it was too late. Obi-Wan had opened the door.
"Ah, thought you would be here I did, young padawan," Yoda said calmly. Maul blinked. Yoda sounded unusually subdued.
"Hello, Master Yoda," said Obi-Wan. "How are you feeling?"
"Much better, much better. Mm, yes, fully recovered I am, thanks to you," Yoda replied. "Come to thank you I have."
"Thank me? For what?" Obi-Wan asked. Maul sat up straighter on the sofa. This he had to hear.
"For saving me from myself," Yoda said primly. "Nice kitty!" he added as My Apprentice came over to sniff him incredulously. She flattened her ears against her head and fled to the safety of underneath the sofa. "Yes," Yoda went on, "set me on the road to wellness you have, young padawan. A changed Jedi I am. No longer slave to my filthy perverse desires."
"Uh ... I'm glad to hear that," Obi-Wan choked out. Maul snickered, but very softly.
"Yes, yes! Clean up the Jedi Council I will next! And then, ready to teach you the ways of the Force I will be," Yoda pronounced. "See you in class tomorrow I will." He turned to leave, paused and turned back. "Feed that kitty some tuna you must," he commanded in Maul's direction before leaving.
Obi-Wan closed the door and turned back to Maul, his mouth hanging slightly open. Maul blinked back at him in similar amazement.
"Did ... did he say clean up the Jedi Council?" Maul asked after a moment. Obi-Wan looked shell-shocked.
"I think so. I think he did," he replied. "By the Force. Master Qui-Gon is going to be PISSED!"
Email the author
Aeryn, Chiana, Crichton, Rygel, and Zhaan are property of the Jim Henson Company, Hallmark Entertainment, and the Sci-Fi Channel.
To the Chronological Story Index
To the Author Story Index
Return to the Sith Academy Homepage
Back to Siubhan's House of Horror