Sith Academy: Darth Maul, Male Dancer
[Read Tzigana's author bio]
Disclaimer: George owns the characters, I just borrowed them to play with. I promise to put them back when I'm done!
Inspired by an unknown man in black running shorts and the Insider's Guide CD-ROM, which gives us a photo of Darth Maul in full Sith costume and then offers the tantalizing option of "without robe". (Unfortunately, it's not like this story...)
Darth Maul, Sith Apprentice, didn't notice his neighbor in the hallway until he was already out of the door and it was too late to duck back inside.
"Hi there neighbor!" chirped Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Padawan and Maul's main annoyance in life. (Not to mention occasional drunken lay, but Maul's brain quickly flogged that thought into submission.)
"Hi," he answered shortly, hoping to discourage further conversation. Unfortunately, the twit seemed to be suddenly captivated by something.
Looking around, Maul realized Obi-Wan was staring at him. He had to admit, his "Sith Lords Kick Ass" T-shirt and black running shorts were probably a stunning sight for the poor Padawan. Didn't those Jedi ever wear anything that wasn't earth toned? Suddenly Maul had a wicked thought.
While Obi-Wan fumbled for his keys, Maul pushed his muscled arms against the wall and slowly stretched his calves. While Obi-Wan retrieved the keys he had dropped, Maul commented "Maybe it's too warm for this?" slowly stripped off his T-shirt, (making sure to flex his chest as he did so) and flung the shirt inside his apartment. The poor Jedi was starting to look like a Gungan in the headlights. For his finale, he turned his back on the stunned Padawan and bent over to touch his palms to the floor, arching his back and stretching his thighs.
"Eeep," remarked Obi-Wan, as he finally unlocked his door and stumbled through the doorway.
Maul laughed as he shut his own door and headed out for his run.
When he returned, his master, the evil Lord Sidious, was waiting for him.
"My my, what a sight you are!" Sidious cooed. "Why, it's almost enough to make me take up running again. I do so love a good chase!"
"Excuse me, Master," Maul snarled as he tried to get past the dirty old Sith and through the door. He almost made it, but Sidious turned the wrong way "accidentally" and managed to brush against Maul's ass. He felt his rage growing out of control, but before he could even call his weapon to his hand, Sidious was on the other side of the room, cackling hysterically.
"Oh my, the look on your face. It really is too bad one of us eventually must slay the other, you do provide amusement! Well, back to your training, Sith training that is," Sidious sighed. "I was planning to assign you another demeaning job to further hone your anger and hate, but I think we've had enough of that for today. Besides, you've given me a wonderful idea."
Maul watched his master out of the corner of his eye as he went in the kitchen. He needed a drink ... and tuna? Whatever. Between his apprentice and his master, it was a wonder he had a thought to himself!
"Darth Mary Sue mentioned to me that her strip club is having a Male Dance Revue on Saturdays, and I think that would be a perfect opportunity for you," Sidious continued. "I'll 'suggest' to the manager that he hold an Amateur Night, and you will enter. This will be your chance to sway the female Jedi over to the Dark Side."
"Um, are you sure you wish me to reveal myself in this manner?" Maul asked, trying to stall. Dancing for beautiful women and having them shove Republic credits in his shorts didn't sound like a bad thing. He would probably win the contest easily. There had to be a catch.
"Why not? You've certainly done much worse at the Gray Side of the Force," Sidious leered.
Maul's anger rose again and his lightsaber on the wall started to twitch. "I thought I told you never to speak of that again!" he growled.
"Yes, yes, that's right," Sidious soothed. "Never mind. I'll expect a full report of your exploits. Oh, and wear the leather chaps - WITHOUT jeans this time." With that parting shot, Sidious glided out of the apartment.
"Well, it's no worse than what I did to that twit in the hallway this morning," Maul mused, as his apprentice twined around his ankles and levitated the open can of tuna out of his hand. "Since it's for amateurs, I can still date the patrons, right?" Suddenly Maul was feeling pretty good about this assignment.
Saturday night at Sithly Vixens was rockin'. Maul counted at least twenty tables of horny women as he made his way backstage. He thought he even glimpsed Depa Billaba and Adi Gallia at a back table. Who would have guessed that the female Jedi Masters were just as horny as those perverted male Masters? The DJ was playing "Pretty Fly for a Jedi" while some pasty Padawan boy with four arms and six legs flailed around the stage, bumping into the poles. The women were looking frustrated. Maul drank in their emotions and looked around for the manager.
Darth Mary Sue waved him over. "I thought you weren't working tonight?" Maul asked.
"Oh believe me, I wouldn't miss this for the galaxy," she replied. "Where's your costume?"
"In the gym bag. I didn't want to start a riot as soon as I walked in," Maul smirked.
"Right," Mary Sue drawled, a hint of amusement in her eyes. "Well, the manager's over there, but I already put in a good word for you, so you're in. Give your music to the DJ and I'll show you where to change."
"Give it up for 'Panaka, the Captain of Your Heart'!!" the MC shouted, as the last competitor before Maul gathered his clothing and vacated the stage. Except for the leather hat and coat, the man hadn't impressed Maul much. He bounced on his feet, warming up for his entrance.
"Now, we have one more daring amateur for you ladies tonight. Let's welcome an extremely 'horny' guy, 'Maul, Sith Lord of Love'!!" The lights changed to red and the pounding of Metallica's "Fuel" filled the club as Maul took the stage. /"Give Me Fuel, Give Me Fire, Give Me that which I Desire!"/
The women went nuts as Maul prowled his way to the front of the stage. He could barely channel their lust and adoration as he unbuttoned his black silk shirt. With a growl he ripped the pole from its brackets and used it in place of his saber to demonstrate a few "fighting moves." By the time he started to remove the leather chaps, revealing his red and black g-string, they had rushed the stage and were waving credits madly. Maul made the rounds, making sure to have a private word with each woman as she reached to make her "donation".
"You will come to my dressing room at 10:30." "I'll come to your dressing room at 10:30." "You will meet me at 11:00 and bring your friend." "I'll meet you at 11:00 with my friend." This was almost too easy!
No one was surprised when Maul was declared the winner. The bouncer had to restrain a drunken Yaddle who kept trying to climb on stage, screaming "Feel you flowing through me I will!" Darth Mary Sue was gazing at him with new respect. Even the MC and the DJ were feeling a little dazed, and they were an asexual species! Maul was returning to his dressing room to change and wait for his new conquests when the manager stopped him.
"Hey, great job! Would you like to earn a little more money tonight? There's a party going on in the back room and they asked for you to come give them a little 'private dance'. Whaddya say?"
Maul smiled, with all the credits he'd earned tonight, he could afford a kick ass new stereo on his speeder. His master would be pleased by the extra converts, and he did need to replace his apprentice's scratching post again. Besides, he was only booked until 3:30 a.m. so far. "Why not?"
The manager led him down the hallway and opened the door. "Enjoy!" he said, with a peculiar smile. Maul wondered what the joke was as he stepped into the room. Then the lights came up.
The room was filled with Jedi Masters, leering in his direction and waving credits. Yoda was smacking his painted lips and practically bouncing off his perch on Mace Windu's shoulders. Even Qui-Gon, the twit's master, was fumbling in his belt pouch for his wallet. Seated at the back of the room was Maul's Master, dressed in his Senatorial robes and laughing his head off.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Maul shrieked as the door closed behind him.
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