The Maul Trap
by Joan the English Chick
[Read Joan's author bio]
Disclaimer: the characters and situations of the Star Wars universe are property of George Lucas, and are used without permission. The characters and situations of the Sith Academy are property of Siubhan and the various authors, and are used with glee. Feedback is the chocolate of the soul, without which the artist's spirit cannot endure, and will be welcomed at email@example.com.
Darth Maul had almost finished killing the Jedi Master and made it to the secret passageway when the door opened and his own Master strode in. "Pack your bags, Maul," he instructed imperiously. "My space cruiser is waiting."
Seething, Maul paused his video game. I won't like it, he thought as he asked aloud, "Where are we going, master?"
"Bandomeer," Sidious smirked. "To visit my dear wayward offspring. The poor child is doubtless in need of some guidance." Maul wasn't sure what he meant by that, but he was sure he didn't want to know.
"But master, Ben-Wa hates me," he groused. "Surely you don't need me on this trip. I'm not even part of the family ... technically."
"Nevertheless you're coming along, Maul," Sidious replied in a tone of finality. "For one thing, this trip will be an excellent campaigning opportunity. All those fresh young ... ahem ... minds. Oh yes, and I understand the training exercises the Agricorps puts them through are wonderful for the glutes." He leered most disgustingly. Maul swallowed and tried to hold onto his most recent slice of pizza.
"Very well, master," he sighed. "The trip to Bandomeer takes ten hours. May I at least bring my PlayStation?"
"Mmm... no," Sidious declared, pretending to think carefully about it for all of five seconds. "I believe the long trip will be most beneficial for your rage, which, I must say, has been sadly lacking of late, Maul."
"My rage is nearly complete!" Maul shouted, leaping up off the sofa to defend himself. Unfortunately, his foot got caught in an empty Ben & Jerry's carton, tripping him up, and somewhat diluting his forward momentum, not to mention his dignity. Sidious merely chuckled and strolled to the door.
"Pack your things and meet me at the loading bay in an hour," he ordered as he departed.
Grumbling, Maul went into the bedroom to throw a few extra Sith Lords Kick Ass t-shirts into his duffel bag, along with some other odds and ends. Then he went back into the living room and moved aside the 2x4 that blocked the latest hole in the wall. Poking his head through the hole, he confronted his annoying yet somehow irresistible neighbor, who was currently engaged in darning a pair of Qui-Gon's pink tights.
"Oh, howdy, neighbor," Obi-Wan chirped, not seeming at all alarmed by the sight of Maul's head popping through his wall. "Wanna fuck?"
"No," Maul lied. "I can't," he added somewhat more truthfully. "I must accompany my master to Bandomeer to visit your sorry excuse for a brother."
"Really?" Obi-Wan looked up eagerly. "Will you tell him I said hi? And, um, that there are no hard feelings or anything?"
"He tried to kill you!"
"Oh, he didn't really mean it," the padawan demurred. "He's just misunderstood. Always has been," he added fondly. Maul rolled his eyes.
"Whatever. Anyway, you will feed my cat while I'm gone."
"Well, sure!" Obi-Wan beamed as My Apprentice, sensitive ears burning, appeared and jumped through the hole to rub against his ankles and purr. "I'd wuv to take care of this sweet widdle woogums!"
"Good." Maul withdrew his head quickly before the sight of his apprentice behaving so disgracefully made him ill. Besides, he hated long goodbyes. He hoisted his duffel bag over his shoulder and headed for the elevator.
Ten hours alone with Sidious in the space cruiser could have been a lot worse. Fortunately for Maul, it was a large luxury cruiser, and also fortunately, they encountered a previously unknown asteroid belt, which required some fancy manual piloting. Maul chortled as he strafed the sleek craft between huge chunks of rock. This was almost as cool as Jedi Tomb Raider CDVII!
"Well done, my young apprentice," Sidious complimented when they were safely clear of the asteroids and the autopilot had taken over again. "Now, we - what was that?"
Maul was on his feet, in battle stance, glaring around. He too had heard the noise. It sounded like "thump." He and Sidious stood in silence for a moment, but the noise did not recur.
"It sounded like the hyperdrive," Sidious opined. "Maul, check it out. I'll be in my quarters taking a bubble bath."
Scowling, Maul hauled out the toolkit, knelt on the floor, and pried open the hatch. A service droid hovered behind him as he lowered himself into the bowels of the ship to investigate.
"Give me a wrench," he ordered, reaching behind him. He looked at the tool in his hand. "That's not it! Bring me the hydrospanner!" The droid handed him another tool. Maul shook his head; you couldn't even get competent droids these days.
After a few more minutes of tinkering, he decided nothing was wrong. The noise must have just been a fluke. Maybe one of Sidious's many suitcases had fallen over or something. He hoisted himself up out of the floor and began to reattach the panel.
Maul paused for a moment, sensing something strange. A disturbance in the Force, perhaps. He lifted his head and let his eyes unfocus, trying to identify its source.
Distantly, from his master's quarters, he heard the sound of running water and a creaky old voice singing "I Feel Pretty." Oh. That must have been it. Grimacing, Maul put away the tools and went to his quarters to drown out his master's voice by blasting some Iggy Pop.
Bandomeer was mind-numbingly dull. Miles and miles of vegetation, as far as the eye could see, and row upon row of bored, sullen Jedi wannabes. Also, seeing the miscreant Ben-Wa did little for Maul's demeanor. The haircut that the Agricorps insisted their workers wear was a little too similar to Obi-Wan's padawan 'do for Maul's taste. Fortunately, Sidious wanted to spend some quality time with his prodigal--Maul tried not to think too hard about what that might mean--so Maul was left alone for a day or two.
After handling some hatred-honing menial campaign tasks for his master, Maul wandered around the space cruiser for a while. The thought of Sidious and Ben-Wa spending quality time weighed on his mind, and it was starting to piss him off. He decided he needed a drink, only to discover that Sidious had locked the liquor cabinet using his special lock-code, which was virtually unbreakable. Maul gave a yell of frustration, ignited his lightsaber, and hacked the wall to pieces on either side of the liquor cabinet until he was able to free a bottle of tequila.
An hour or two later, he was slumped on a sofa in the lounge, dully staring at the vidscreen while it played a rerun of Gungan City 90210, when a cleaning droid entered and informed him that he would need to evacuate immediately.
"What?!" Maul thundered, but the droid was unmoved. There was a hull breach, it explained, mysteriously centered around the Senator's private liquor cabinet, and the cabin would need to be depressurized.
Seething some more, Maul slammed back the last of the tequila, shrugged into his robe, and went onto the planet.
It was well past dinnertime, and the barracks area was mostly deserted. Maul made his way toward the mess hall. Maybe they had some Doritos, or at least the ingredients for him to whip up a quick batch of crepes suzette. He staggered briefly. Whoa! That tree hadn't been there a minute ago!
Instead of junk food, in the kitchen he found that twerp Ben-Wa standing in the light of the open refrigerator, drinking milk from the carton. The reprobate jumped when he heard the door bang open, but his expression quickly changed from guilty to suggestive when he spotted Maul.
"Well, well, hi there, tall, dark, and horny," he leered. Maul shuddered. "At loose ends?" Ben-Wa added cattily.
"Mm," Maul grunted noncommittally, trying to move past the twerp. Ben-Wa blocked his way.
"Bet I could tighten you right up," he purred, his leer leaving little to the imagination. His hands left even less, snaking across Maul's chest and downward.
Maul started to push him away, but then his own body betrayed him. It had to be the hair, he told himself as stealthy fingers unzipped his jeans. Yes, that must be it. It made Ben-Wa look almost exactly like Obi-Wan, and that was what turned Maul on. It had to be. Not that he cared about Obi-Wan, or anything, of course. It was just that, well, Obi-Wan was a better lay. Yeah. That was it.
Of course, one part of his brain pointed out as Ben-Wa sank to his knees in front of Maul, he had only given Ben-Wa one chance. Obi-Wan had had several. Was that fair? Shouldn't he at least give the other twit another chance? Judging from what he was doing right now with his tongue, he must have been doing some practicing since the last time. Besides, between one SidiSpawn and the next, what's the difference, right? Another small part of his brain, which had a definite death wish, laughed derisively and said a few unSithly things about Maul's feelings for Obi-Wan. The rest of his brain promptly beat that part into submission.
A few minutes later, a somewhat woozy Maul stepped out of the mess hall and looked muzzily around for the spaceship. Whoa, that tequila was some strong stuff. Or maybe it was just the sex.
Starting down the path, already beginning to feel the twinges of guilt, Maul was hardly prepared to see his master strolling toward him. He was even less prepared to see, in the fading evening light, that his master had one arm hanging around the waist of...his son? Maul's brow furrowed. He turned and looked at the door he had just exited. Then looked back over at Sidious and … wait a minute...
"Ah, Maul," Sidious beamed, steering his son toward his apprentice. "Look who's here! Obi-Wan!"
"Uh," was as coherent as Maul could manage. The twit padawan was beaming cheerfully at him.
"Hiya, neighbor!" Obi-Wan beamed. "Don't worry about your widdle kitty. Qui-Gon will take good care of her."
"He heard we were coming here and stowed away," Sidious said, beaming like a proud papa. "He just had to see his baby brother. Isn't that sweet?" He narrowed his eyes at Maul. "By the way, have you seen Ben-Wa around?"
"Um, yeah," Maul said, gesturing toward the mess hall. Obi-Wan perked up.
"Thanks, neighbor!" he chirped, dashing for the door. Sidious smiled fondly at him, especially his perky little butt. Maul averted his eyes.
As soon as the door closed behind Obi-Wan, Sidious turned a glare on Maul. "What on Hoth have you been up to, my apprentice? You act like a boy who's just had his first beer."
"Uh, nothing, master," Maul managed. "Just, uh, scouting the enemy territory."
"Uh-huh." Sidious looked like he believed that about as much as he'd believe Yoda singing "Like a Virgin." "Well, the obvious implications seem to have escaped you, Maul."
"What implications?" Maul asked, trying to get his brain into gear. He seemed to have misplaced the clutch.
Sidious's evil grin widened. "Clearly, since Obi-Wan got here on our ship, he will have to return on our ship. The whole ten hours of it. Just you, me, and your boyfriend." He leered. "And as you know, there isn't a spare bedroom."
"He's not my boyfriend," Maul mumbled listlessly. Great. Ten hours in a small confined space--well, okay, a spacious, luxuriously appointed space--with his master and the annoying yet luscious twit. And of course Sidious would find out about the liquor cabinet, and Obi-Wan would find out (Maul wasn't sure how, but he would definitely find out; somehow he always did) about Maul screwing Ben-Wa--not that Maul cared or anything, of course, but it could make for an ugly scene, and he didn't even have Darth Lara to help him ignore it. He groaned inwardly.
"If you will excuse me, my master, I have some disgust and self-loathing to wallow in," he muttered. Sidious, who had spotted a group of Agricorps workers coming out of the local canteen, nodded distractedly and made patting gestures in the vicinity of Maul's arm.
"Yes, yes. Run along, Maul."
The trip home was, as Maul had feared, destined to be excruciating. About an hour into it, Obi-Wan wandered into the lounge area, where Maul was sitting feeling sorry for himself and wondering vaguely if vomiting would make him feel better about having screwed Ben-Wa. Somehow he suspected it wouldn't. Also, quite unfairly, his hangover was already getting underway.
"How's it going, neighbor?" Obi-Wan asked, seeming subdued. Maul grunted.
"No can do. There's not much of anywhere to go," Obi-Wan pointed out. Maul sighed. Obi-Wan plopped down on the sofa next to him and put a hand on his thigh. Maul gave him a black look.
"What?" Obi-Wan removed his hand, pouting. "I thought you might be happy to see me."
"No," Maul said meanly. Obi-Wan pouted more. Maul braced himself for the trembling lower lip, but oddly enough it didn't come. This distracted him from his wallowing for a moment. He focused again on Obi-Wan.
"What do you want, anyway?" Maul grumbled, knowing he would regret it. Obi-Wan perked right up.
"Well, you know," he said, acting coy, not meeting Maul's eyes. "I mean, it's a long flight, and Dad's holed up in his room, and I just thought, you know..." He trailed off, but his hand was still on Maul's thigh, and moving higher.
Maul groaned and reached for him, pulling the padawan's strong body against his. Their breathing rasped in his ears as he twisted his legs around Obi-Wan's. The twit lifted his head and pressed his lips to Maul's, murmuring softly. It sounded something like, "The curve of your lips rewrites history." Maul furrowed his brow in confusion. What the hell did that mean?
Obi-Wan slid to the floor, his fingers deftly working at Maul's zipper. Maul had a brief, sickening moment of déjà vu. He tried to shake it off, staring down at the twit, trying to connect the dots, to figure out what the logical part of his brain was trying to tell him while the rest of it was busy whimpering with pleasure.
But then the young man at his feet began to work, and suddenly all the alcohol seemed to leave Maul's system in a rush, leaving him horribly clear-headed. He jumped to his feet, knocking the other man backward, and stabbed at the intercom.
"Master!" Maul yelled. "Turn the ship around!"
"What on Hoth are you ranting about, Maul?" Sidious demanded, entering the lounge from the hallway. Maul ruthlessly suppressed the part of his brain that wanted to know how long Sidious had been out there. He quickly reached down and zipped his jeans back up.
"Master," Maul said, grabbing an arm and hauling the twit to his feet, "this is Ben-Wa."
"What?!" Sidious exclaimed, striding forward to seize his son's chin in his hand. He stared into the young man's eyes for a moment, until Ben-Wa began to twitch and squirm. Sidious released him.
"My boy, you're going to be in a Sarlacc-pit of trouble," he sighed, shaking his head. He turned to Maul. "How did you know?"
Maul averted his eyes. "Um, just sensed a disturbance in the Force, master," he lied. Sidious smirked.
"Uh huh. Well, I'm going to reprogram the autopilot. We're going back to Bandomeer. You two come with me, I'm not letting you out of my sight."
It was a very long hour and a half.
When they landed on Bandomeer for the second time, the AgriCorps officials were waiting, having been notified by Sidious. They seized Ben-Wa by the arms and hauled him off, past Obi-Wan, who stood there looking sheepish. "Sorry," he said sadly to his brother as they passed. Ben-Wa merely sneered.
"Good heavens, Obi-Wan, what were you thinking?" Sidious demanded as he led his other son on board.
"I'm sorry, Dad," Obi-Wan apologized, not looking at Maul. "Ben-Wa was just so unhappy here. I felt so sorry for him. And I really do love plants! He convinced me it would be great to switch places. I guess I shouldn't have listened to him."
"Oh, well, no harm done," Sidious shrugged. "The boy will have to stay an extra couple of weeks for this infraction, but I'm sure it'll do him good. Now, if you two need me, I'll be in the mud bath." He paused to give them a quick leer before heading off.
"I suppose you're mad at me too," Obi-Wan sighed, plopping down on the sofa. Maul carefully took a chair several feet away.
"I can't believe you'd leave that twerp in charge of your hamsters," he said nastily. Obi-Wan blanched.
"I never thought of that! Poor Fluffi-Wan! Poor Cuddles! They never would have forgiven me for abandoning them."
"Mm," Maul grunted. Obi-Wan shot him a slow, shy look.
"What?" Maul demanded.
Maul sighed and rolled his eyes. "Come on, spit it out."
"Well, I have something to show you," Obi-Wan said coyly. Maul wasn't sure his body could take another go-round.
"I've seen it," he pointed out. Obi-Wan giggled cutely. Not, of course, that Sith care about cute.
"No, silly. This." He got up and moved over to where Maul was sitting. Obi-Wan pulled his tunic down low on his back and showed Maul a red, bruised mark on the back of his neck. A bite mark, Maul realized. In fact, it was the mark of his own teeth. He gaped in amazement at Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan grinned, half pleased, half embarrassed. "I love it when you're all brutal like that, Maulie."
"Don't call me that," Maul said distractedly, still trying to assimilate. "That was you?" He couldn't believe how relieved he felt. Not that he cared about Obi-Wan's feelings or anything, of course. It was just that, well, clearly Obi-Wan was the better lay. And a Sith wouldn't settle for second best. Clearly.
"Maybe a repeat performance would prove it to you," Obi-Wan offered, looking coy again. Maul wondered once again whether he could take it.
Oh, what the hell? He was a Sith, by the ninth circle of Hell! A Sith never turns down good nookie!
It was a good thing he hadn't brought the Handbook along, Maul told himself as he tossed Obi-Wan over his shoulder and headed for his quarters.
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