Sith Academy: Darth Maul tries Programming
by Tzigana
tzigana42@yahoo.com
[Read Tzigana's author bio]

Disclaimer: George owns the characters, I just borrowed them to play with.

"MAUL!"

Darth Maul, Sith Apprentice, almost fell out of the tree when his Master's voice blasted into his mind. He did drop the macrobinoculars, which hit several rocks as they tumbled down the hill towards the Jedi Academy's Girls Dormitory.

"What are you doing?" Sidious demanded.

"Um, reconaissance practice?" Maul thought back.

"Likely story. Return to your quarters immediately. I think you need a new task to help you focus on your training."

Maul levitated down from the tree with a sigh. This didn't sound good.

A few minutes later, Maul stalked toward his apartment. His mood darkened further when he caught site of his neighbor, Obi-Wan Kenobi, on his knees planting flowers in the common ground. Qui-Gon Jinn, the twit's Jedi Master, was lounging in a lawn chair, sipping some foo-foo drink with a paper umbrella.

"Hi neighbor!" Obi-Wan chirped. "How do you like the new flowers?"

"Very nice," Maul snarled. He made sure to stomp on a few of them as he crossed the lawn.

"Heyyy!" Obi-Wan's voice trailed behind him.

Inside his apartment, his Master was levitating above the stained couch, stroking a small, striped cat in his lap.

"Nice landscaping, my young apprentice," he said approvingly, then frowned. "Your quarters are filthy, as usual. However, I did find some room on that table for your new computer. I have decided that you shall program the new email system for the Jedi Academy. You will complete this task by next Thursday, when the Council meets to discuss software purchases. Your software shall be chosen, I have forseen it. Oh, and wash your robes."

Maul stomped out of the way, as his Master made for the door. "How will this help in my training?" he asked.

Sidious cackled as he passed through the doorway. "Obviously you've never programmed before. Remember, focus your hate and let your anger flow!"

Maul went over to inspect the new computer. His apprentice was curled up on the desk chair. "Get down!" Maul ordered. His apprentice opened one eye. "Right now!" Maul emphasized. His apprentice just stared and twitched her tail. Maul immediately rolled the desk chair into the kitchen and poured a bowl of cream. His apprentice streched lazily before jumping down and inspecting the bowl, allowing Maul to retrieve his chair. He sat down at the computer and logged on.

Three days later, Darth Maul was swearing at the computer when it once again switched the color scheme from red and black to pink and mauve. "No! That's not what I asked you to do!" he screamed. He had already replaced the monitor, after splitting it in two with his lightsaber, and the motherboard, after he had used the Force to crumple it into a ball inside the CPU. His Master was not going to be pleased when he saw the bill from CompCoruscant. His rage had also blistered the paint off the walls in several places. Suddenly his tirade was interrupted by loud thumping noises from outside.

Desperate for a distraction, Maul stalked to the window. The sissy Padawan from next door was now chopping wood out back, while his Master used the Force to mix a pitcher of margaritas.

"Master Qui-Gon, are you sure you don't need exercise too?" Obi-Wan whined.

"It is not wise to question your Master, my sweaty young Padawan. I will have to punish you later." Qui-Gon replied, sipping his margarita.

"Oh, yes Master!" Obi-Wan replied, with a sudden light in his eyes.

Maul seethed as he headed back to his computer with fresh determination. Those simpering Jedi deserved every bit of the hell he was going to code for them.

By Wednesday night, Darth Maul had completed his email system. Direct Access, Ready Knowledge - System Integrated Data and Email would come with several 'undocumented features.' A random number generator would choose email to drop in transit. A filtering system would look for selected words and forward the mail to Maul's inbox. Email between students would occasionally be misdirected to Yoda's mail box, while email between the Council members would sometimes be broadcast to all Jedi students. Maul was chuckling to himself as he coded the error messages, in an obscure dialect of Huttese of course. The same random number generator would assign the error code. His Master would be pleased by the havok this would cause the Jedi. He had even set up a special routine for Sidious. Any email with the word 'Sith' in the text would be blind copied to his Master's account.

It was only a week later that Maul's system notified him that a particular userid had just logged in for the first time. He opened the balcony door to listen.

"Hmm, I wonder what this button marked with a disk does?" he heard Obi-Wan muse. " 'Reformat Hard Drive: Yes/Sure/OK?' ?!? No! I don't want to do that! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Darth Maul smiled and went back to his computer. This software business defintely had promise!

END

(6/18/99)

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