Life Lessons at the Sith Academy, Part XI.V
by Siubhan
siubhan@siubhan.com
[Read Siubhan's author bio]

Maul stood facing his apartment door, waiting. He hadn't seen Sidious in nearly five days, and he had the feeling that any moment now, he was due for a visit. Any moment now...

Now.

He ripped the door open and bellowed, "What?!?!?"

A startled Obi-Wan dropped the bouquet of roses and jumped back with a shriek.

"Thought you were someone else," Maul mumbled as he slammed the door in the padawan's face.

A timid knock issued from the hallway. Maul, realizing it was Friday night, grudgingly opened the door. Obi-Wan peered in and meekly asked, "Can I come in?"

"I'm sober."

"Oh. Want to come to my place? I can make strawberry margaritas."

"I take mine plain."

"I can do that too."

"Fine."

The two men silently walked to Kenobi's apartment, where said padawan began tossing ingredients in a blender. A few moments later, he walked into the living room with a tray containing two margaritas and several tequila shots. They each downed a shot, slurped down half a margarita, downed another shot, finished the margaritas, and launched themselves at each other.

After several seconds of really soulful groping, Obi-Wan rolled out from under Maul's body with a sigh and said, "You know, this is getting repetitive."

A lust-addled Maul growled, "Shut up and fuck me," making a lunge for the suddenly uncooperative padawan.

Obi-Wan neatly sidestepped him, utilizing his years of practice at escaping lusty gropes from all types of horny creatures, and said, "Look, all I want to do is try something new."

Maul rubbed his hands over his face and said, "Fine, I'll go get a spatula. Don't move."

"That's not quite what I had in mind, Maul."

"All right. I think I have some nerfburgers in my freezer..."

"No, I think it's against the Jedi code to wear meat," Obi-Wan noted. "Why don't you let me tell you my idea?"

"It had better involve sex, otherwise I'm going to poke your hamsters' eyes out with this," Maul growled, gesturing at his fully extended Sith saber.

"Oh, it does. I just thought...well, since Master Qui-Gon is in prison...

"Rehab."

"Whatever. Since he's away...he and I really liked to role play."

"Role play," Maul said flatly.

"Yes, role play."

"Are we talking Dungeons and Dewbacks or are you seriously suggesting..."

"Yes, I'm seriously suggesting. Don't knock it until you've tried it, Maul. Besides," he continued with a saucy gleam in his eye, "you're only getting some if you play along."

With a snarl of concession (never defeat), Maul said, "Fine, I will attempt to play your Jedi games, but I will not wear women's clothing."

"Oh, I'd never dream of that. You don't have the legs for it," Obi-Wan gushed. "This is going to be so much fun."

"It had better be."

Obi-Wan grabbed Maul by the wrist and dragged him to the bedroom. "So what were you going to do with that spatula?"

"You'll never know now."

***

"No."

"What do you mean, no?"

"I mean no."

By Maya the Mad Mambolica. Click to see larger image.

Obi-Wan pouted and put his hands on his plaid-skirt encased hips, the very picture of Catholic schoolgirl petulance. "I don't see what the problem is."

Maul held the nun's habit at arm's length. "I'm not wearing this."

"Not even if it means spanking my bare ass with a ruler?"

"It's women's clothing."

"Only technically. Look, I'm not wearing underwear and I've got shiny patent leather shoes on."

Maul looked down at the enticing reflection, briefly considered it, then shook his head. "No."

"Give me one good reason why."

"I'm Jewish."

"Oh. I'm sorry. I guess that was insensitive of me. Okay, I have another idea."

***

By Ash [no valid email address]. Click to see larger image.

"No."

"Now what?"

"I'm not going to play some bloated, over-emoting egomaniac in a bad rug."

"We don't need to do movie Kirk. You could play Classic Kirk."

"Why can't I be Spock?"

"The ears don't match your skin."

"Dammit!"

***

"No."

"At least try."

Maul sighed, straightened his jacket, and strode firmly across the room. "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn...no, this isn't working."

"Why not?"

"Your freaking hoopskirt is too wide. I can't even reach you."

Obi-Wan sighed and tried to rearrange his green curtain dress. "I don't understand. Qui-Gon can reach me just fine."

"Qui-Gon is an overgrown hippie with freakishly long arms. I am a compact creature of rage, hatred, and right now, sexual frustration," Maul countered.

"Oh, okay."

***

"No."

"But it's just a trenchcoat and a hat!" Obi-Wan cried in frustration. "Besides, I thought you liked Casablanca!"

"I do. It's just..."

"What?"

"Well, that scene has special meaning for me and your sister."

"That's not how she tells it," Obi-Wan countered saucily.

"I am so out of here," Maul growled, turning and heading for the door.

"Wait! I'll think of something else."

***

"No."

"By the Force, now what?"

"Swan Lake?"

Obi-Wan fluffed the skirt of his white swan ballerina outfit and asked, "What is it? The tights? The dance belt? The watermelon?"

"The watermelon I can handle. It's just..."

"What?"

"Sidi...my Mas...your father made me do this once before."

"He made you do Swan Lake with a watermelon?"

"No, with a bag of kumquats during an Ewok warrior rites ceremony."

"My father made you do that? Why would he do that to his ward?"

"You don't want to know. Think of something else."

***

By Ash [no valid email address]. Click to see larger image.

"This is more like it," Maul grinned as he finished knotting the last tie on the back of his hospital gown and settled back on the bed. "Oh nurse!"

Nurse Kenobi tottered into the room, dressed to the nines in a short, see-through nurse's dress with white garters and stockings peeking out from under the hem. The outfit was topped with a little nurse's cap and bottomed with white six inch heels. "I'm here Mister Maul."

"I do believe it's time for my sponge bath."

"It sure is, right after your enema!" Nurse Kenobi chirped, whipping an enema bag from behind her back.

Maul bolted from the bed. "No."

"But Maul..."

"No."

***

"This has been a frustrating evening," Obi-Wan pouted as he sat on the edge of the bed. "You suck at role playing."

"And you suck at putting out, which is an unwelcome change," Maul grumbled back. Suddenly, his yellow eyes lit up. "I know a game we can play."

"What?"

"You can be the inexperienced padawan..."

"...I'm already a freaking padawan!"

"...and I'll be the Sith Master."

Obi-Wan's eyes lit up briefly, then dampened down again. "Poodoo, that won't work. The Sith haven't existed for a thousand years."

"But this is role playing Obi-Wan," Maul countered. "It's just pretend. Maybe the Sith aren't extinct after all, but have been in hiding all this time."

A naughty grin crossed Obi-Wan's face. "That might be fun, actually."

"Put your robes on and I'll go grab my Sith costume so I can reveal myself to you," Maul said, running for the apartment door. He returned mere moments later, wearing his winter weight outer robe with nothing underneath. Standing outside Obi-Wan's door, he called, "Ready?"

"Ready!"

Maul rounded the corner, using his most menacing Stare. Obi-Wan lay trembling on the bed, the very picture of Jedi innocence, as the tip of his braid started to smolder. "At last I shall reveal myself to the Jedi," Maul growled, ripping open his robes and exposing his magnificent naked erect self.

"Oh my!" Obi-Wan gasped.

"At last I shall have revenge!"

END

(8/11/99)

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