Life Lessons at the Sith Academy, Part XIV
by Siubhan
siubhan@siubhan.com
[Read Siubhan's author bio]

This was seriously not funny until Rose helped me out. Thanks, Rose. Thanks also to Katherine the Art Chick for encouragement.

Darth Maul, Sith Apprentice and future Master of the Order, lay amidst the squalor of his apartment and realized that he was well and truly horny. Looking up at his Darth Lara Croft calendar, he noted to his satisfaction that it was Thursday, which meant he didn't need to screw his neighbor.

Hearing knocking from the hallway, Maul walked over to his peephole and saw Mary Sue standing outside her brother's door. Maul opened the door with a shit-eating grin and said, "He's not home until five on Thursdays. Wanna fuck?"

"Nope."

"Later?"

"Nope, not ever. I promised him he could have you to himself."

"So you lied."

"No, no I didn't."

"Why the hell did you agree to that?"

Mary Sue shrugged and said, "Because he's my brother and he asked me to. What you and I had was just sex. Face it, Maul. Good sex, but just sex."

"And that's all I have with Obi-Wan."

She winced. "I know that, and you know that, but he's holding out for more."

"And he's not going to get it," Maul said, crossing his arms defiantly. "Face it, we need to fuck to disabuse him of that crazy notion."

Cynthia popped her head out her door and timidly said, "Hey Mary Sue. Long time, no see."

Whirling on her with righteous fury in her eyes, Mary Sue hissed, "Fuck off! You got my brother sent to the Happy Farms. You're lucky I don't kill you where you stand."

Cynthia disappeared back into her apartment without a word.

Mary Sue took Maul by the arm and led him into his apartment. "We're talking in here. She'll just spy on us through her peephole if we stay in the hall."

Once they were safely inside, Maul groused, "I thought that taking Obi-Wan's pills away would make him think clearer."

"Apparently not when it comes to you," Mary Sue said as she searched for a reasonably clean place to sit. "Excuse me," she said as she displaced a napping My Apprentice from her spot on the only clean chair and resettled her on her lap. My Apprentice growled threateningly, but Mary Sue started scritching her cheeks and she was lost.

"I don't understand where your brother gets off telling you to keep your paws off of me."

"I don't get it either. When you're not fucking him, you treat him like shit."

"Hell, sometimes when I'm fucking him I treat him like shit."

"Maul!"

"What?"

"Goddammit, I wish you'd treat my brother better."

"Treat him better? Hello! I'm a Sith! Your father has spent the past two decades training me to hone my rage and hatred in the hopes that some day I'll rise up and slay him, and hopefully take out most of the Jedi in the process. What the fuck does he want from me? Valentines? Teddy bears?"

"I think he expects you to fall in love with him."

Maul rolled his eyes.

"I know, I know," Mary Sue said. "I've tried explaining that to him--without giving away the Sith part, of course--but he won't hear it. Face it, Maul, you're a nice straightforward constant in his life. You may treat him like shit, but you're consistent about it. You never pretend to be something that you're not. Qui-Gon on the other hand... Ugh! Don't even get me started. Fucker. At least Obi-Wan's sticking to his guns and not getting back together with him."

"I don't know why more Jedi padawans don't rise up and slay their masters," Maul mused. "Then again, all those years with Qui-Gon have probably turned him into some sort of involuntary masochist."

"Look, just don't do anything to hurt him right now," Mary Sue threatened. "He's still very vulnerable after getting off those drugs and then going to the Happy Farms and getting his brain zapped."

"Mary Sue, he's a Jedi. I'm a Sith. It's against the rules for me to go easy on him. Hell, it's my job to torment him!"

"Isn't it against the rules for you to fuck him too?"

"Do you have any idea how many times your father has screwed Qui-Gon?"

"TMI!" Mary Sue cried as she shuddered from head to toe. "Oh man, I really hope all his genes are recessive." She composed herself, then turned on the charm and pleaded, "Please Maul? As a favor to me? And once we disabuse him of the crazy idea that he'll ever get you to fall in love with him, we can fuck. I promise."

"Yeah, right. I've heard that before."

"Okay, let me rephrase this." Purple lightning crackled from her fingertips, and My Apprentice zipped under the sofa. "Hurt Obi-Wan, and I hurt you."

Maul grumbled his grudging agreement. Too bad the purple lightning gene wasn't recessive.

"Good boy," she said, standing up and patting him patronizingly on the head.

As she turned to leave, Maul asked, "Hey, since you're not going to fuck me, and I'm not about to fuck Obi-Wan, can you suggest a good place to go to get laid on a Thursday night?"

"I'm not the person to ask. I can go to the grocery store and get laid on a Thursday night. What's the matter? Can't poor little Maul get himself laid anymore?"

"I'm out of practice," Maul grumbled. "You and Obi-Wan spoiled me."

"Aww. How very un-Sithly of us."

"He's a Jedi. At least he has an excuse."

"Why don't you ask Sidious for recommendations? His bed's never empty."

"No way in hell."

"Afraid of what he might suggest?" she teased.

"Wouldn't you be?"

"Good point. Look, you're a big boy. You figure it out. I'm off. And remember, be good to my brother," she said, aiming a crackling finger at his family jewels.

"All right! Just get out!"

***

Maul sat on his sofa and contemplated his options. The Gray Side was open on Thursdays, but he ran the risk of Obi-Wan being there. Hmm...the last time he went out jogging, he'd gotten some interesting propositions. Maybe a quick jog through the park in his skimpiest running shorts. No, the sun was setting. All the other joggers would be home. It still might work, though, since there was that section of the park where everyone went cruising. Wait, no, that was only guys. He didn't want to have sex with a guy. Obi-Wan was an anomaly, dammit. And Ben-Wa. Actually, Ben-Wa was a mistake, not an anomaly.

He could always try The Sithly Vixen and see if he could pick up any of the dancers. They weren't too hard to whammy into ignoring the "no dating the customers" rule. But no, he didn't want to whammy his way into sex. That took all the sport out of it. There were always the leather bars, but they tended to be crowded with Jedi, and that was the last thing he wanted right now. He had one Jedi too many in his life as it was. Besides, any time he tried any of those places, he ended up running into his Master, and that was just wrong.

Maybe the gym? The local dojo? At least that way, he'd have a decent shot of finding a woman with a little attitude and a lot of stamina. Of course, no one had as much stamina as someone with Force training, which pretty much left Maul with just Mary Sue (damn), Sidious (shudder!), Dartha (shudder!), Ben-Wa (ew), and the Jedi (no way) as options. Or sex droids. Maybe his master would let him borrow Cherry and Grape for the night. It wasn't like he put them to their intended use, after all.

"No, you may not borrow Cherry and Grape."

"Gaaaah!" Maul spun around and gaped at the hologram of Sidious that had appeared in the middle of his living room. "Don't do that!"

"Why would you ever want to borrow sex droids when you can just go out and have sex with real people?"

"Because most real people conk out long before I do."

"That why you have to get them in multiples," Sidious said, rubbing his hands together in glee. "Either that or screw Jedi."

"I'm not exactly in the mood for Jedi right now."

"How about my darling daughter?"

"Obi-Wan made her promise not to."

"Ben-Wa?"

Maul shuddered. "Never. Well, never again. Never again on purpose."

"So, am I to take it that you and Obi-Wan are having troubles?"

"Er, of a sort."

"Do tell. I haven't heard any good dish all day."

"He wants a relationship."

"Sith don't do relationships."

"I know."

"He is a rather daft young man, even off his medication," Sidious mused.

"Tell me about it."

"So, what are you going to do about this?"

"Avoid him?"

"Maul, that isn't very Sithly of you. What would the Handbook say?"

The Handbook hopped over to Maul and bounced up and down until he picked it up. The pages riffled until they reached one of the earliest chapters. "Aha!" Maul cried triumphantly. "I'm right this time!"

"Impossible."

"It's right here. One of the earliest entries. 'Thou shalt avoid thy Master's comely son like the plague, as he shall maketh thy brain turn to mush and your loins like unto iron.'"

"Damn! That's one of the thrice-damned prophecies, not a plain old rule. I can't change that one. You know, you should never have had sex with him in the first place, Maul."

"Who knew he was your son? I mean, I know you scatter your seed far and wide, but I never thought you'd plant it anywhere fertile!"

"Well, there is that."

"And besides, it's your fault I slept with him in the first place!"

"It most certainly is not!"

"Don't give me that! Me and my left hand were having a perfectly happy relationship until the day you burst into my apartment and commanded me to get laid."

"Are you getting uppity, my Apprentice?"

"Damn right I'm getting uppity!!! It's all your fault I've turned into a sex-crazed freak! Gaah! I'm turning into you!"

"Well, unless you find a women's soccer team or decide to try and take on Depa Billaba or Adi Gallia, it looks like you're out of luck, my young Apprentice."

Maul turned back to the Handbook and begged, "Help me out here."

It flipped to the very first page, and Maul's eyes lit up as he read the text. Tossing the handbook onto the sofa, Maul said, "That's it. It's past five. I'm outta here."

"Maul! Get back here! Maul!" The door slammed, and My Apprentice slunk over and rubbed against the ankles of the Sidious hologram, leaving a thick coating of fur behind. "How did you do that?" Sidious gasped incredulously.

***

Obi-Wan stood and stared at the monster habitrail that dominated one wall of his living room. "What the fuck possessed me to buy hamsters?"

Cuddles shivered and ran off to tie himself a little noose.

"Cuddles, no!" Obi-Wan cried. "Just hang on!" He dashed to the bathroom, rooted around under the sink, and came out with the emergency bottle of Perkium he'd stashed back there last year. "Fucking psychotic rodent," he grumbled as he fed his depressed hamster half a pill. Cuddles promptly started dancing a happy jig. "Good thing I'm a Jedi, otherwise I'd be sorely tempted to dropkick you off the balcony. And why the fuck did I name you Fluffi-Wan? Five year olds name their hamsters 'Fluffi-Wan.' I should give Maul a medal for getting me off that shit."

Maul kicked in Obi-Wan's door and took up station in the middle of the living room. Obi-Wan turned with a sardonic grin and said, "Why lookie here. It's my neighbor, Maul. I didn't expect to see you until tomorrow night. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"I don't do flowers, or feelings, or greeting cards, or anniversaries, or presents," Maul said flatly.

Crossing the room to close his front door, Obi-Wan said, "Yeah. I've noticed. I'm observant that way."

"I don't cuddle."

"Which sucks, but I deal with it."

"I'm not a nice person."

"I've got enough nice people in my life."

"Your sister says I treat you like shit."

"Well, you do."

"It's completely beyond me why the fuck you want to have a relationship with me when you know damn well I'm never going to change."

"I don't want you to change. I like you this way."

"You're insane."

"And I've got the paperwork to prove it."

Maul squelched the protective feelings that welled up in him with that statement and drummed his fingers against his thigh. "This will never work."

"Not even willing to give it a try?"

"I'm only in it for the sex."

Obi-Wan snorted and leaned back against the door. "I've heard that one before. It's a crock of shit"

"No, I mean it. You're too damn good. No one else even comes close."

A smile slowly crept across Obi-Wan's face. "And that's why you're here. You don't want to fuck anyone but me."

Maul crossed his arms, saying nothing.

"You know, that's probably the closest I'm going to come to getting a declaration of undying love from you."

"This is not..."

"Ssssh. I'd never accuse you of that," Obi-Wan whispered, slowly closing the distance between the two of them. "So, we're exclusive."

"Yeah," Maul croaked, his mouth suddenly dry.

"That'll do for now. But eventually, I want more."

Maul reached out and placed his palm on squarely the padawan's chest, stopping him in his tracks. "Not unless one of us quits our day job."

Obi-Wan's eyes narrowed. "What exactly is it that you do for a living, anyway?"

"You don't want to know. Trust me. If you ask me again, it's over."

"All right."

"I mean it."

"I understand."

"And I'm just here for the sex. Imagine what you want, but that's all it is."

"You know," Obi-Wan said as he took one step back and kissed Maul's palm, "in some cultures, sex is sacred. Maybe it is in yours."

"I don't know anything about my culture. I don't even know what I am."

"You're mine," Obi-Wan said with a possessive gleam in his eye.

That'll do, Maul thought as they launched themselves at each other. Oh yeah. Oh baby. Oh...shit. "Ow. Careful."

"What?"

"Stones of Manhood."

"Shit, that hernia still bugging you?"

"Look, just..." Maul's voice dropped until it was barely audible. "Just go easy on me tonight, okay? And don't tell anyone I asked you to."

"Don't worry, love. Your secret's safe with me."

***

Next door, Sidious stood in the middle of his apprentice's filthy apartment, Sith Handbook in hand. "Show me what Maul read right before he left," he commanded.

It flipped to the first page, where stunningly illuminated text proclaimed, "If you find yourself mired in a moral dilemma, dive."

"Oh poodoo."

END

(9/22/99)

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