Life Lessons at the Sith Academy, Part XV
by Siubhan
siubhan@siubhan.com
[Read Siubhan's author bio]

"Get the lube," Obi-Wan panted breathlessly as he hooked his ankles over the backboard.

*Rustle rustle* "Shit."

"What?"

"It's empty."

"There's more in the bathroom."

"Be right back." Maul dropped the bag of kumquats and made a mad dash for the bathroom. As he rooted around, he heard the distinct sound of a pogo stick coming from the bedroom.

"I can't find it!"

"Under the sink!"

Maul nearly ripped the cabinet doors off in his haste. As he frantically tossed the contents of the storage area all over the bathroom, he stopped as he ran across a bottle of Perkium. "Yum! Skittles!" he said, unscrewing the top and chomping down a fistful. Screwing up his face at the bitter taste, he spat, "Gaaah! I guess Skittles eventually go bad."

Obi-Wan rollerbladed by nude, asking, "Did you find it?"

"Hmm?" Maul's eyes were vaguely glazed over.

"Shit!" Obi-Wan yelled, grabbing the bottle from his hands. "What are you doing?"

"Skittles," Maul grinned.

"Not Skittles! Perkium!"

"No no, remember? I replaced them with Skittles."

"I threw those out! This is real Perkium! I feed it to my fucking hamster!" Grabbing Maul by the shoulders, Obi-Wan yelled, "How many did you take?!?"

"A handful."

"Goddammit! How could you be so stupid?"

Maul's lower lip started quivering dangerously. "Are you mad at me?"

"Oh shit."

Maul looked back under the sink, grabbed the lube, then climbed into Obi-Wan's lap like a sex-crazed monkey. "I know a way to make you not be mad," he purred breathlessly.

Obi-Wan started to debate the ethics of this in his head, but then Maul squirmed rather deliciously, and he decided he might as well enjoy it while it lasted.

***

"No! Don't go!"

"We've been snuggling for seven hours, Maul."

"I like snuggling. I also like jellybeans."

"That's nice.

"I thought you liked snuggling?"

"I do, but I need to pee!"

"Can't you hold it?"

"No!"

"Okay, I'll come with you."

"No. Augh! Not the lower lip!" Obi-Wan cried, desperately trying to stop Maul from breaking out into tears again. Every time he did, Obi-Wan caved, and then they had sex. Mind you, the sex was pretty damn excellent. Maul on Perkium was surprisingly uninhibited, generous, and inventive. He'd never thought to use a spatula like that before, never mind that trick he had with his horns, a pennywhistle, and a full jar of hamburger pickles. But they'd run out of things to use for lube, and Obi-Wan was really starting to chafe. Besides, when they weren't fucking, Maul was pretty damned obnoxious.

"Are you mad at me?" Maul sniffled.

"I'm not mad. Really. I just really, desperately, painfully need to pee. I'll be back. I swear."

Breaking into a huge grin, Maul said, "I'll be waiting for you!"

Under his breath, Obi-Wan grumbled, "Lucky me." He surreptitiously snagged his cellular phone on the way, and after emptying his bladder and applying salve to all his achy bits, he sat on the toilet and called his sister's direct line.

"Obi-Wan! I didn't think I'd be hearing from you so soon."

"Sorry about dinner last night," he said under his breath. "I need a favor."

"Speak up. I can't hear you."

"I can't."

"Oh shit. Are you in trouble with the Jedi Council again? You've got to stop stealing Mace Windu's stuff!"

"No, it's not me. It's Maul."

"Maul? Hell, let Palpatine take care of it."

"I can't. He'll kill me."

"What happened?"

"Maul took a fistful of Perkium because he thought it was Skittles."

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH PERKIUM?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

Obi-Wan put the receiver to his non-ringing ear and said, "Calm down. It's for Cuddles."

"Don't lie to me!"

"I'm not! I swear! Look, he's driving me ape shit. He's a total twit!"

"Sound familiar?"

"Har dee har har. Look, I need a major favor."

"Oh Obi!" Maul sing-songed from the bedroom. "I found your Courtney Love drag and I'm wearing it right now!"

Obi-Wan sighed. "And I need it quick."

***

Mary Sue strode into Obi-Wan's apartment with a flock of doctors behind her. "Where is he?"

"In the bathroom," Obi-Wan said. "Brushing his teeth."

"You're kidding!"

"He's been in there for an hour. He took one look at himself in the mirror and nearly burst into tears. Hey Maul! Mary Sue's here!"

"I can't come out looking like this!" he sobbed.

"I've brought some nice doctors to help you!" Mary Sue cooed.

"Any of them a dentist?"

"Yes," she lied.

Maul meekly peeked his head out from the bathroom. "Okay. Nobody look at my teeth. They're horrible."

"I don't care about your teeth, Maul," Obi-Wan said, under his breath adding, "If I did, I wouldn't have dated you in the first place."

Walking out in a beige "Property of the Jedi Academy Phys Ed Department" shirt with matching shorts, Maul said, "Gee, hi Mary Sue. Ooh! Look! My tattoos are dancing!"

"I thought you burned all your beige stuff?" Mary Sue asked.

"So did I, but apparently I missed those two pieces," he shrugged. "They were wedged in the back of my closet, but somehow he knew exactly where they were."

Maul continued to stare in rapt fascination at his arms, so Obi-Wan led him over to the sofa. "Sit down, Maul."

"Call me Maulie," he grinned.

"I'll do no such thing. Hey, your teeth look really good."

"Shucks, you're just saying that."

"No, I mean it. There's no black streaks anywhere."

"You're so good to me," Maul beamed, climbing into Obi-Wan's lap and shifting his hips just so.

Obi-Wan groaned painfully. "Dammit, Maul. I think you sprained it."

"I'll kiss it and make it better," he replied breathlessly.

Mary Sue rolled her eyes and said, "Get a blood sample, boys."

A couple of doctors stepped forward, got a sample from the sex-crazed Sith's arm, and took it over to the mini-lab the others were setting up in the dining room.

"What was that for?" Maul asked.

"No one's ever tested Perkium on your species," Mary Sue said. "If you were human, you would have either ODed or dried out by now. But since you're not..."

One of the scientists looked up from her medical equipment and said, "Oh dear."

"Spit it out!" Mary Sue barked. "I pay you for results, not dramatic pauses."

"Well, judging by the amount of Perkium currently in his system, and how long it's been since he actually took it, and how much you said he took, it appears that his system is metabolizing it very very slowly."

"How long until he's back to normal?" Obi-Wan asked as Maul continued wiggling in his lap.

"Three days. Maybe four."

"Three or four days?!?"

"And it appears to have psychotropic properties for...whatever he is."

"Ooh, Cuddles looks all swirly! Isn't he swirly?" Maul gushed as he jumped off Obi-Wan's lap and pressed his face up against the side of the habitrail.

"Can you do anything to counteract it?" Mary Sue asked.

"We'll see. It might take time."

"Okay, pack it up and we'll head back to the lab," Mary Sue sighed. "Good luck with him, Obi-Wan."

"Wait, you're leaving?" he cried as he leapt up and grabbed her arm. "You can't leave me alone with him!"

"I can't think of a better person to babysit him," she grinned.

"Yeah, but he's..."

"A twit. I know."

"He's driving me bonkers!"

"He's acting just like you used to."

"I know! How the fuck did he stand to be around me?"

Maul rushed Obi-Wan from behind and started groping him skillfully. "Obi baby, up for another round?"

"I think you have your answer," Mary Sue noted with a grin as she saw Obi-Wan's pupils dilate sharply.

Gulping hard, Obi-Wan asked, "Um, could you get me a few gallons of lube before you go home? I probably shouldn't leave him alone in this condition."

"No problem."

***

*sproing* *sproing* *sproing*

Obi-Wan slowly swam back to consciousness, wondering why he was sticking to the sheets.

*sproing* *sproing* *sproing*

Oh yeah. Hummus. Maul had gotten the munchies and insisted he eat it off of Obi-Wan's naked body.

*sproing* *sproing* *sproing*

Obi-Wan idly wondered if he still had peas in his bellybutton.

*sproing* *sproing* *sproing*

Wait a minute.

*sproing* *sproing* *THWACK* "Ow!"

Obi-Wan peeled his eyelids open and saw Maul dangling from the ceiling by his horns. "Didn't mean to wake you," he grinned sheepishly.

"Do I want to know?"

"Well, I was just using your pogo stick and I think I jumped too high and now I'm stuck."

Rolling his eyes, Obi-Wan crawled out of bed, grabbed Maul by the waist, and yanked him loose.

"Thanks a million!" Maul gushed, then started singing "Puff the Magic Dragon."

"I thought you hated that song?"

"Ooh! Little fairy Ewoks!" Maul cooed, staring off into space.

"Look, I'm going to take a shower. Don't you go anywhere."

"Too bad you're a Jedi and I'm a Sith."

"There's no such thing as Sith anymore, Maul."

"Sure there is. Your da is the Master and I'm the Apprentice. And some day, we're going to kill all the Jedi. But I won't kill you, Obi-Wan. Honest. I could never do that to you. Ooh, maybe when I kill your father, you can be my Apprentice!"

"You're hallucinating, Maul."

"No! Really! We've been hiding from you for a thousand years." Maul's eyes suddenly got wide as saucers. "Ooh, I wasn't supposed to tell you that."

"Don't worry. I won't tell anyone. Now don't go anywhere. I'll be in the shower."

***

It couldn't be.

Obi-Wan shut off the shower and listened.

Oh shit. It is.

Wrapping a towel around his waist, he padded out into the living room where Maul and Cuddles were dancing to "Ice, Ice Baby." "Where the fuck did you get that song?"

"I downloaded an mp3 from the Internet. I'm pretty fly for an alien guy!"

Obi-Wan hung his head in total, utter disgrace. "Please tell me I was never this bad."

"Remember when we went to the Backdoor Bantha Boyz concert together?"

"Oh shit. I was this bad."

"We should call Ben-Wa. He's so much fun!"

"Don't you fucking dare!"

The lip started quivering again.

"Oh shit."

Obi-Wan was saved by a knock at the door. Looking out the peephole, he saw the kindly, if currently scowling visage of his birth father. Opening the door, he said, "Come on in, da."

Palpatine walked in with a wary My Apprentice at his heels. "I sensed that something was wrong with my ward." He looked over at Maul, who was still grooving to Vanilla Ice. "I see I was right."

"Hey Sid!" Maul grinned.

"If you'd be so kind as to explain what's going on," Palpatine said, fake smile threatening to crack, along with a couple of his molars.

"Well, this is kind of embarrassing, but um..."

"Don't be afraid. Just tell your father what's wrong."

"He took some of my old Perkium by mistake."

"How much?"

"A handful. Mary Sue's got her doctors working on a way to counteract it"

"Can we go to the zoo?" Maul gushed. "I like the zoo. When I was a little kid, Sid let me go there after it closed and taunt the Wampas. And then he tossed me naked in the sewers so I could hunt Whomp Rats with nothing but my bare hands and my teeth. But then I accidentally climbed up from the sewers into the cage of this endangered breeding pair of Alderaan twig sparrows and I was soooooo hungry that I ate them and I think they were the last pair in captivity and then they went extinct the next year." Tears pooled in his eyes. "That's so sad!"

Obi-Wan laughed nervously and said, "He's been babbling all sorts of shit. The docs say he's hallucinating. I mean, he tried to tell me that he was a Sith apprentice and you were his master. Weird, huh?"

Palpatine flashed furious eyes at his apprentice, who, totally oblivious, started playing dress-up with Cuddles. Turning back to Obi-Wan, he cast an appreciative glance at his towel-clad form and said, "I shall go confer with Mary Sue and see if there's anything I can do to expedite her search for an antidote. In the meantime, if you could continue looking after my ward?"

"Um, yeah," Obi-Wan said, shifting nervously under his father's wanton gaze. Gack, I fucked anything that walked when I was on that shit! "You sure you don't want to take him?"

Palpatine turned to Maul, who was standing in front of the closet opening and closing the door, cooing, "Lookit the pretty trails!" and suppressed his reflexive purple lightning bolts. If he spent any more time around a happy Maul, he was going to have to reveal himself to the Jedi sooner than planned. "No, son. I think a Jedi is clearly called for in this case. You're such a compassionate and self-sacrificing lot." Mentally, he projected, I'll deal with you later! at his stoned ward.

"Love you, da!" Maul grinned.

Palpatine shuddered visibly, and turned on his heel to leave. Reaching the door, he made a half-turn back (Dramatic Pose #53) and said, "Oh, and don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He's clearly babbling nonsense."

"I noticed," Obi-Wan said, desperately trying to figure out if there were any way to cover more of himself with the towel.

Palpatine breezed out the door, and My Apprentice trotted over to Maul's ankles, glaring up at him furiously. I don't know you.

Maul sunk to the ground and pulled her into his lap. "Who's a cutie-wootie fuzzy-wuzzy?" he asked as he scritched her belly.

Okay, I'll pretend to know you, she drooled.

***

"Obi-Wan, what are you doing?"

"Meditating."

"By hanging off the balcony by your knees?"

"Helps me clear my head. I thought you were in bed, Maul."

"I was. When I woke up, you weren't there, and then I started to think that maybe you didn't love me anymore so I started looking for you but then Cuddles needed some quality time so I fed him some hamster treats and scritched him on his fuzzy wuzzy little head until Fluffi-Wan came over and bit me." Maul pouted and held out his finger. "See?"

Obi-Wan hoisted himself back up onto the balcony and took a look at the outstretched finger. "You know, this is how I first got you into bed sober," he leered.

Maul's grin turned impish. "It just might work again."

Obi-Wan snagged him by the wrist and said, "Hang on, I have an idea." Dragging Maul back to the bedroom, he warded off several determined and skillful gropes until he managed to pop the right CD into the stereo. Iggy Pop blared from the speakers.

Maul growled.

"This is more like it," Obi-Wan grinned.

***

"I found the antidote!" Mary Sue cried as she burst into her brother's apartment.

"Hungh?" Obi-Wan said as he swam back towards consciousness

"Get out of bed, Obi-Wan. We've got the antidote. Where's Maul?"

Suddenly, Obi-Wan was way more awake. Sitting bolt upright, he gasped, "He's not out there?"

"You lost him?!?"

"Oh shit. Palpatine's gonna kill me."

"How could you let him out?" Mary Sue screamed.

"I didn't mean to! I mean, after I started playing Iggy Pop and Ministry, he started getting back to his old self. And then when I started pouring hamster death gulps down his gullet, he was finally fun to hang around with."

"Yeah, I'll bet you were 'hanging around'," Mary Sue said, carving little quotation marks in the air with her fingers.

Obi-Wan turned a little red around the edges. "Well, technically yes. Did he ever show you that trick of his with the trapeze, a cable remote, and a bunch of overripe bananas?"

"No."

"Pity."

"Look, this is getting us nowhere. There's a Perkium and hamster death gulp crazed Maul running around out there, and this is an election year, so if we don't find him fast, Palpatine's killing the lot of us."

"Shit."

"Okay, when you were on Perkium and drunk on the third Friday of the month, where would you go?"

***

Mary Sue and Obi-Wan stood outside the Gray Side of the Force. "Karaoke Night!" the sign exclaimed.

"I have a bad feeling about this," they said in unison.

Stepping into the club, they stared in slack-jawed horror at the stage, where Maul was gyrating in nothing more than his skin-tight black leather pants singing:

"I don't want anybody else! When I think about you I touch myself!"

Palpatine appeared at their side, commenting, "I find it rather fetching that he's actually touching himself as he sings."

"Oh shit, da," Obi-Wan babbled. "You know, I didn't mean to let him out of my sight, but I fell asleep..."

"That's quite all right," he replied with a dismissive wave of his hand. "I suspected he might try to slip out, so I had an Imperial...I mean, Republican guard watching him at all times."

"Well, I have the antidote," Mary Sue said, patting her purse.

Palpatine smiled and said, "We'll just let him finish this last song and then you can give it to him."

"Everyone give it up for Maul!" the MC cried. "But wait, now that a certain someone has walked in, I think he has one more song to sing."

Maul scanned the crowd until he located Obi-Wan and broke out into a brilliant smile. A sparse drumbeat started playing through the speakers, and Maul grabbed the mike in both hands and hungrily growled,

"Why don't we do it in the road?"

Obi-Wan's jaw dropped.

"Why don't we do it in the road?"

He felt himself being drawn toward the stage.

"Why don't we do it in the road?"

Drool pooled up on his lower lip.

"Why don't we do it in the road?"

And spilled over onto his Doc Martens.

"No one will be watching us, why don't we do it in the road?"

Mary Sue crept up behind him and asked, "How long do you want me to wait before dosing him?"

"Gimme half an hour. Maybe forty-five minutes."

"No prob, bro."

***

Settling an ice pack between his horns, Maul growled, "Why the fuck did you let me sing karaoke?"

"You have a lovely voice, Maul," Palpatine beamed. Mentally, he added, Besides, you were so very tasty in that leather.

Maul groaned and chugged back a full bottle of Pepto-Bismol. As soon as my head stops pounding, I'm striking you down you old bastard.

So you keep threatening. Tease.

Obi-Wan came in carrying a bowl of chicken noodle soup. "I'm so sorry about that, Maul. If I'd had any idea..."

Maul waved his hand threateningly. "We're not talking about it."

Palpatine put a finger to his lips and mused, "What I find odd, my ward, is why Obi-Wan didn't give you the antidote right away."

Maul turned his bleary glare to Obi-Wan and growled.

"Oh, come on Maul! Could you blame me? If I'd given it to you right away, we never would have gotten to do that thing with the blender, a pack of Marlboros, and my shoelaces."

"You forgot the Slinky."

"Oh yeah," Obi-Wan said with a nostalgic grin. "Can you blame me?"

Maul grumbled his grudging acquiescence.

Palpatine stood up and said, "Well, you're in good hands, Maul. I'll just be on my way."

"Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out," Maul growled.

Palpatine pursed his lips, suppressing the purple lightning bolts that his apprentice so richly deserved, and left. I'll deal with you later.

Whatever.

Obi-Wan sighed and sat down next to Maul. "How the fuck did you stand me on that shit?"

"You've always been hot in the sack," he shrugged. "I'm shallow that way."

"Well, you've always been good in bed, but you were amazingly inventive when you were on Perkium."

"You were a hell of a lot more inventive when you were on it too."

A wicked grin crept across Obi-Wan's face. "You know, I think I feel a flashback coming on."

"Really?" Maul said, a tiny grin cracking his pissed-off facade.

"Yeah. You know, I think I still have that Catwoman outfit."

Maul's grin widened. "You know, I may feel a flashback coming on too."

"Really?"

"I'll be right back. I have to go to my apartment and get a bucket of cole slaw and a roll of duct tape."

"Don't be long!"

END

(9/27/99)

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