Life Lessons at the Sith Academy, Part XVI
by Siubhan
siubhan@siubhan.com
[Read Siubhan's author bio]

I wrote this when I had a fever. I'm sure it shows. The Underpants Gnomes and their jaunty little song (127 KB .wav file) belong to South Park. The boyz belong to Lucas. The rest belongs to me and my fevered imagination. Literally. Thanks to Joan the English Chick for help with the ending.

"Time to go to work, work all night, search for underpants, hey! We won't stop until we have underpants, yum tum yummy tum tay!"

The column of singing Underpants Gnomes made their way through the Jedi Temple and into the deepest recesses of the building, singing all the way.

"Time to go to work, work all night, search for underpants, hey! We won't stop until we have underpants, yum tum yummy tum tay!"

The little group filed in through a door that, while large to them, was really rather small.

"Time to go to work, work all night, search for underpants, hey! We won't stop until we have underpants, yum tum yummy tum tay!"

Rooting through the small chest of drawers, they pulled out a large collection of frilly pink panties, tossing aside several corsets and stuffed bras in the process. Laden down with their treasure, they made their way to the door.

"Time to go to work, work all night, search for underpants, hey! We won't stop until we have underpants, yum tum yummy tum tay!"

Yoda sat bolt upright in bed, pointing a shaky finger at the invaders. "Underpants Gnomes!" he cried. "Stealing my underwear, they are!"

But they were gone before he could sound the alarm.

***

"Tell you, I do, Underpants Gnomes my underwear have stolen!" Yoda frothed to the assembled Council the next morning.

"Yeah, right," Mace Windu snorted. "There's no such thing as Underpants Gnomes. You must'a been high or something."

"If no such thing as Underpants Gnomes there is, where then is my underwear?" Yoda asked in his patented "crazed holy sage" voice.

"Your tricks probably keep taking them as trophies when they're done banging you," Windu replied dismissively.

"Missing not is your underwear?" Yoda asked.

"I don't wear underwear," Windu smirked as he leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms behind his head.

"Perv," Yoda muttered under his breath.

***

"Time to go to work, work all night, search for underpants, hey! We won't stop until we have underpants, yum tum yummy tum tay!"

The Underpants Gnomes tromped single-file through 225 Midichlorian Terrace. Using their special Gnome senses, they proceeded directly for the bedroom, singing their jaunty little song all the while.

"Time to go to work, work all night, search for underpants, hey! We won't stop until we have underpants, yum tum yummy tum tay!"

On the bed, an oversized hippie snored away, a smoldering bong sitting on the nightstand next to him. Half of the Gnomes climbed up his dresser and opened the top drawer, and the other half waited on the floor below.

"Time to go to work, work all night, search for underpants, hey! We won't stop until we have underpants, yum tum yummy tum tay!"

The Gnomes at the top of the dresser started tossing tie-dye thongs and hemp boxer shorts with pot leaf prints to their colleagues on the floor.

"Time to go to work, work all night, search for underpants, hey! We won't stop until we have underpants, yum tum yummy tum tay!"

The happy Gnomes made their way next door to 223 Midichlorian Terrace.

"Time to go to work, work all night, search for underpants, hey! We won't stop until we have underpants, yum tum yummy tum tay!"

Winding their way through the creepy house, the Gnomes' song got progressively less jaunty as they made their way to the bedroom. Eventually, the song ground down to a halt. The Gnomes ventured into the bedroom, where a middle-aged politician lay snoozing with an entire men's volleyball team draped across him. Silently, they crept over to the underwear drawer and opened it up.

All the Gnomes turned white as sheets.

Quickly shutting the drawer, they ran as fast as their little Gnome legs could take them. Once they were safely outside, they resumed singing their little song.

"Time to go to work, work all night, search for underpants, hey! We won't stop until we have underpants, yum tum yummy tum tay!"

***

Adi Gallia crossed her arms and barked, "Dammit Qui-Gon, you're late again!" The rest of the Council grumbled their matching sentiments.

"I'm sorry," Qui-Gon murmured, turning a deep shade of red. "For some reason, I couldn't find any of my underwear this morning."

"TMI!" Adi groaned.

"Ah!" Yoda barked, jumping excitedly in his chair. "Underpants Gnomes! Your underpants they have stolen! Right I was! Owe me an apology, you do, Mace!"

"No, no," Qui-Gon said. "I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for this. I probably left them at the laundromat, or misplaced them."

"Dude, if you'd just let it hang free, you wouldn't have this problem," Mace said.

"Well, that's what I'm doing right now," Qui-Gon admitted. "It feels kind of odd, but I think I could grow to like it."

"Quit it with the TMI!" Adi yelled.

"Study we should this problem of Underpants Gnomes," Yoda insisted. "Grave danger they pose."

"Whatever," Adi said. "But if any of my underwear goes missing, I'm checking your bedroom!" she barked, stabbing her finger in Yoda's direction.

"Never again will that mistake I make," Yoda sniffed. "Too big is your underwear. Too large your butt. Fits me it does not."

"You're lucky I'm a Jedi or I'd kick your ass, you green freak!"

"Like to see you try, I would."

"I'm betting on Adi," Qui-Gon noted.

"Me too," Mace agreed.

***

"Time to go to work, work all night, search for underpants, hey! We won't stop until we have underpants, yum tum yummy tum tay!"

The troupe of Underpants Gnomes merrily marched into the student apartments and took the elevator to the 42nd floor.

"Time to go to work, work all night, search for underpants, hey! We won't stop until we have underpants, yum tum yummy tum tay!"

Heading in to one of the apartments, they started fishing lime green silk thongs out of the trashcan.

"Time to go to work, work all night, search for underpants, hey! We won't stop until we have underpants, yum tum yummy tum tay!"

Heading into the bedroom, they totally ignored the passed out padawan in the kilt. Weaving around the empty Guinness cans, they made their way to the dresser.

"Time to go to work, work all night, search for underpants, hey! We won't stop until we have underpants, yum tum yummy tum tay!"

With armloads of neon leopard-print bikini underwear, they made their way back to the door, only to be confronted by two angry hamsters. The battle was fast and furious, and much leopard-print tug-of-war was played, but eventually they made their escape with all but two pairs of underwear.

"Time to go to work, work all night, search for underpants, hey! We won't stop until we have underpants, yum tum yummy tum tay!"

The Underpants Gnomes made their way next door.

"Time to go to work, work all night, search for underpants, hey! We won't stop until we have underpants, yum tum... Oh shit!"

There stood My Apprentice, Dirk Syde, and the Heretics of Incinerata in battle formation.

***

Maul awoke to the sound of heated battle going on in his living room. Stumbling in, he surveyed the scene before him, shrugged, and went back to bed. "Goddamn Underpants Gnomes," he mumbled as he slid between the sheets and closed his eyes, secure in the knowledge that all his underwear would still be there in the morning.

***

Morning dawned, and Maul stumbled back out of his bedroom to make coffee. He crushed the carcass of an Underpants Gnome underfoot and groaned, "Can't you people clean up after yourselves?"

My Apprentice and Dirk Syde simply belched and rolled onto their backs to show off their full tummies. The Heretics of Incinerata showed off their new Underpants Gnome-bone spears.

Scooping up all the leopard-print underwear from the living room, Maul grabbed the carafe of coffee and headed next door. Kicking the door in, he strolled into the bedroom and dropped them on Obi-Wan's bed. "These were at my place," he commented dryly before chugging from the carafe.

"I was wondering what the fuck happened to my underwear! The only two pairs I could find were chewed on by my freaking hamsters!" a towel-clad Obi-Wan groaned. "I was going to be late for class." Narrowing his eyes, he asked, "Why did you have my underwear?"

"The Underpants Gnomes dropped them when my pets killed them."

"Oh come on, Maul. There's no such thing as Underpants Gnomes. Next thing you'll be telling me the Sith still exist and have been in hiding for a thousand years."

Maul shrugged and chugged down some more coffee. "I can show you the carcasses if you like."

"I'm late enough as it is," Obi-Wan grumbled as he pulled on some flaming orange leopard-print bikini underwear. "Save your fairy stories for Master Yoda."

"Whatever," Maul shrugged as he headed back to his place.

"Underpants Gnomes," Obi-Wan muttered. "That's the craziest thing I've ever heard."

***

"Late you are," Yoda chided.

"I'm sorry, Master Yoda. I had trouble finding clothes this morning."

"Visited by the Underpants Gnomes, you were?" Yoda asked, eyes lighting up.

"Er...yeah, that's it." He'd take any excuse he could get.

"Told you, I did!" Yoda crowed. "Listen to me, no one ever does!"

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan exchanged a sympathetic look. "It could be worse," Qui-Gon whispered. "Last week he thought the Sith stole his lube."

"Hard to see the Dark Side is. Harder to see when greased up with Wookieemint!"

***

Sidious invited the Corellian men's eight-man luge team into his bedroom. "Do you boys like Wookieemint?" he grinned as he held up an extra-large bottle. "I acquired it last week!"

END

(10/01/99)

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