Life Lessons at the Sith Academy, Part XIX
by Siubhan
siubhan@siubhan.com
[Read Siubhan's author bio]

Thanks to the Intrepid Housemate Melissa (TM) for helping me brainstorm this puppy at lunch, and to Joan who told me that I'd finished it too quickly. This is partially inspired by my going vegetarian for my 30th birthday while living with a committed carnivore (no, not Melissa--she's an omnivore).

"Pregnant you are."

"Female I'm not...I mean, Dr. Yaddle, I can't be pregnant."

"Padawan Kenobi, doubting my medical opinion you are? Pregnant you were before, and pregnant you are again."

"That wasn't me last time. It was my neighbor."

"Lie they do not, your records." Yaddle squinted up at Obi-Wan. "Remove your tattoo you did?"

"Entire species change I had...I mean...ack!" Obi-Wan wrapped his little paper robe more tightly around himself and asked, "Can I get a second opinion?"

"Put your baby up for adoption, you did? Very brave of you, young padawan."

Obi-Wan scooped up his clothes, got a firm grip on his paper robe, and crept out into the hallway. "I'll just go get that second opinion now." Looking about frantically, Obi-Wan caught the eye of Dr. Eeth Koth and begged, "Can you do my annual physical instead of Yaddle? She thinks I'm pregnant."

Dr. Koth rolled his eyes and gestured towards an empty waiting room. "She thinks everybody's pregnant. Say, didn't you have horns the last time you were here?"

"That was my neighbor," Obi-Wan sighed.

"If you'd step on the scale. Oh dear."

"What?"

"No wonder Yaddle thought you were pregnant." Dr. Koth poked at Obi-Wan's chubby belly and said, "You've put on quite a bit of weight."

"My diet and exercise haven't changed. I don't understand."

Dr. Koth scanned Obi-Wan's medical chart, then said, "Ah, you used to be on Perkium."

"Yeah."

"That stuff's more potent than speed. Now that you're off of it, your metabolism has shifted back to its original state. I see your records say you come from a teetotaling vegetarian family."

"Well, yeah."

"That clearly is the appropriate diet for you. No more alcohol, no more meat."

"WHAT?!?"

"And especially no Ewok or Guinness."

"No Guinness? Kill me now!"

"As a member of the Jedi Council, I'm making this an order. Shape up, Padawan Kenobi, or we may have to stop overlooking your stunning collection of minor criminal infractions."

Obi-Wan swallowed hard. "Yes sir."

***

"Maul!"

Maul awoke from his nap on the sofa to see his master scowling down at him. "Yes, my Master?"

"Are you aware that your cat is using your belly as a trampoline?"

Maul looked down towards his stomach and saw My Apprentice gleefully bouncing away.

"I think, my corpulent apprentice, that you really ought to go on a diet."

Maul groaned, pushed the cat off his belly, and sat up. "I'll just exercise more."

"No, a diet is clearly called for. Fear not, I've found one you'll like."

"By 'like' you mean 'hone my rage and hatred,' correct?"

"No, I mean like as in like. The point here is to hone your waistline, not hone your rage and hatred. Here." Sidious handed Maul a book. "It's called the Atkins Diet. Meat and veggies are fine, but you can't eat carbs. And for the first two weeks, no veggies."

Maul eyed the book suspiciously. "By meat, you mean low fat fish and well-trimmed chicken?"

"No! Ewok! Jawa! Pickled Gungan! Rancor bacon! Go to town, Maul! Just no carbs."

"Alcohol?"

"No beer. The hard stuff's fine. Just no carbs. And speaking of which..." Sidious glided into Maul's kitchen and pulled out several bags of cookies and two boxes of extremely sugary breakfast cereals. "These are all carbs."

Maul looked longingly at the Teddy Grahams and Count Chocula boxes. "Couldn't I start my diet tomorrow?"

Sidious downed a handful of Teddy Grahams and said, "Heavens, no. No time like the present, my boy!"

Maul groaned again and flopped back on the sofa. My Apprentice resumed her happy bouncing.

***

That evening...

*BANG BANG BANG*

"What?!?"

"It's Friday night," Maul called through the door. "Let's go to the Gray Side and get plastered."

"Fuck you!"

"I thought we'd do that after the Gray Side, but if you want to now..."

Obi-Wan opened the door wearing a ratty Misfits t-shirt and plaid shorts, and growled, "I'm on a fucking diet. I can't drink anymore."

"Yeah, you are getting a little thick around the middle," Maul commented.

"You should talk, tubby!" Obi-Wan countered, poking his finger into Maul's spare tire.

"Yeah, well, I'm on a diet too, but I can drink anything but beer on this one."

"Shit."

"Well, what are you waiting for? Get dressed!"

"No way!"

"Okay, so go like that. I don't care."

"Maul, I can't drink."

"So come to the bar with me and watch me drink."

"You're a fucking sadist, you know that?"

"Yeah."

"Have a heart, man!" Obi-Wan pleaded.

"Have a what?"

Obi-Wan sighed. "Never mind. Hang on. Let me get some jeans."

***

"Another scotch!" Maul bellowed after popping back his fourth.

Obi-Wan glared at him over the top of his Virgin Shmi.

"So, are you ever going to want to dance?" Maul challenged.

"The music sucks too bad tonight to dance to it sober," Obi-Wan groused.

"What's wrong with Limp Bizkit?"

"They're no Alien Sex Fiend."

"Whatever." Maul started nursing his new scotch, then cast an appraising eye at the dance floor. "Say, isn't that the Naboo Olympic women's soccer team?"

Obi-Wan followed Maul's gaze. "Oh shit, they're in spandex."

"Maybe they'll wanna dance," Maul leered.

Obi-Wan looked around the bar, mind racing. Okay, if calories don't count when you eat off of someone else's plate, maybe they don't count when you drink out of someone else's glass. Seeing that the guy sitting next to him had a mostly-full Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster, he waved his hand in front of his face and said, "Hey, there go the droids you're looking for!"

"Hunh?"

As the guy turned away, Obi-Wan downed his drink in one swift gulp. Feeling it swiftly take effect, he snagged Maul by the waist and dragged him to the dance floor, saying, "Forget the soccer team."

"Make me," Maul challenged.

After 30 seconds of skillful groping, the two of them made a beeline for the door, stopping in the coat room for a quickie. Finally making it out the door, they had another quickie in the alley, then a not quite as quickie in the cab, a much, much longer quickie in the elevator (involving stopping it between floors for 25 minutes), and then a very, very long quickie from midnight to five a.m. in Obi-Wan's apartment, followed by a shorter quickie from 5:01 am to 8:30 am in Maul's apartment.

***

Obi-Wan awoke to the tantalizing smell of bacon.

"Oh fuck," he grumbled, pulling the pillow over his head. Then he remembered that this was one of Maul's pillows and quickly extricated his head before the pillow tried to eat him or something. Stumbling into the kitchen in his boxers, he grunted, "I thought you were on a diet?"

Maul, wearing nothing but his "Kiss the Cook's Ass" apron, said, "I am. The Atkins diet. Nothing but meat, meat, and more meat. Want some bacon?"

"I can't eat bacon on my diet."

"Sausage? I've got some sausage I'm making next."

"No sausage."

"Ewok hash, hold the spuds?"

"No, I'm on a vegetarian diet, just like when I was growing up. Got any Pops?"

Maul growled. "I can't eat carbs on this diet."

"I have some in my apartment. I'll just go get 'em..."

"Don't you dare bring Pops into my apartment! If I can't eat them, then I don't want them in here."

"Fine!" Obi-Wan yelled. He shuffled back into the bedroom, grabbed his clothes, and said, "I'll just eat at my place."

"Fine!"

*SLAM!*

Several minutes later, each man sauntered onto his balcony, breakfast in hand. Maul glanced over at Obi-Wan's full bowl of Corn Pops and thought, I can do this. I have bacon. I don't miss Pops. Nope.

Obi-Wan cast a quick, longing glance over at Maul's greasy plate of meat, then shook his head and thought, I can live without bacon and sausage. I've got sugary cereal. I don't need meat.

In their apartments, their respective pets thought, Denial.

***

"In Advanced Ethical Paradoxes class today, talk we will about whammy abuse. Padawan Kenobi, special attention you should pay to this. Abusive with the whammy, your master is."

Obi-Wan nodded reflexively, but his mind was a million lightyears away.

"I'm Darth Maul, Esquire!"

"And I'm Obi-Wan "Ben" Kenobi!"

"And together we're Wyld Banthas!"

As he and Maul strummed wildly (and poorly) on electric guitars in his daydream, he started doodling cans of Guinness in his notebook. Flipping to a clean sheet of paper, he started drawing a full-page can of Guinness in loving detail, surrounding it with little hearts and cherubs. Smiling at his handiwork, he flipped the page once more and started composing a love poem to Guinness. Hmmm...maybe he could turn this into a song.

"Padawan Kenobi, paying attention are you?" Yaddle asked.

"Yes, Master Yaddle."

"Sum up for the class what I have said, can you?"

Obi-Wan cleared his throat, stood up, and said, "Master Qui-Gon needs professional help."

"Very good, Padawan," Yaddle said. "Difficult it must be to pay attention when pregnant you are."

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes and sat back down.

"Over half the class pregnant is this semester. Birth control you should use with more diligence! Condoms we will discuss tomorrow."

***

"Okay, off to the Sarlaac Barbecue Pit," Maul grinned as he rubbed his hands together in anticipatory glee. "I just need to head three blocks south on Palpatine Parkway, and it'll be right on the other side of..."

Maul looked dead ahead of him and gulped.

"...the bakery district."

The tantalizing smells of baked goods hit Maul like a ton of bricks, and he swallowed hard again, frantically trying to figure out if there were any way he could avoid this neighborhood. But cruelly, the bakery district formed a solid three block wide band around the entire planet of Coruscant. The only way Maul was getting to the Sarlaac Barbecue Pit without going through the bakery district was to tunnel his way there.

With steely determination in his eyes, Maul said, "I'm a Sith! Three blocks of baked goods cannot vanquish me!" and then strode boldly forward.

Less than four steps later, he had his face mashed against the glass of Dagobah Donuts. "Mmmmm....doughnuts." He shook his head. "No! I can do this! I'm a Sith, dammit!"

Thirteen steps later, Maul hopped from foot to foot outside the Krusty Loaf. "Fresh baked bread! Argh! I can do this! I'm a nasty, vengeful creature of the Dark Side! I will not be defeated by mere...do I smell croissants?"

Six steps later, Maul was gnashing his teeth outside Ze Snooty French Bakery. "Okay, I'm a Sith and I should have willpower, right? But then again, I'm a Sith, so I should break the rules. But then again, my Master's the one who commanded me not to eat carbs. But then again, eventually I'm expected to rise up and slay the old bastard, so insurrection would be traditional."

Three hours, seventy-one distractions, and thirty-nine ethical dilemmas later, Maul made it to the Sarlaac Barbecue Pit carb-free. "I'll have two racks of Baby Back Bantha Ribs, rare," he snarled as he slid in to his seat.

"That comes with a side of dirty rice and corn bread."

"AAAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"

***

"So, my Padawan, how is your diet going?" Qui-Gon asked as he chowed down on a chili dog.

"Argh! It's all your fault I'm fat!!!" Obi-Wan roared.

"Pardon me?"

"You! You and your openly meat-eating ways!"

"But Obi-Wan..."

"Don't 'but Obi-Wan' me, you...you...you omnivore!"

"I thought you'd said you'd eaten meat before you met me?"

"I'd experimented with meat, sure. You know, back-alley, black market meat. But you! You showed me that I could get it in clean, well-lit places! You made it respectable! Cosmopolitan! Normal even!"

"But..."

"AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! Get that chili dog out of my face!!!!!" Obi-Wan stormed off in a huff.

Qui-Gon sighed and polished off his lunch.

***

Maul decided that even though he'd stuffed himself sick with meat, he was going to play it safe and take a cab home. And just his luck, the elevator was broken, so he trudged up all 42 flights of stairs to his apartment, where he was greeted by the smell of doughnuts. "Hello, my apprentice!" Sidious beamed. "How goes the diet?"

"Must you bring doughnuts into my apartment?" Maul snarled.

"Oops," Sidious replied with unconvincing sincerity. "Anyhow, I was on the way to a Senate Subcommittee meeting, and I was in charge of bringing munchies, so I got a couple of boxes of Munchkins."

"A couple? I see one."

Sidious burped and a little cloud of powdered sugar floated out his nose.

"You're a wonderful example to me in my time of dietary crisis," Maul growled.

"Yes, well, I am still the Sith master. So, how's it going?"

"I just ate half a bantha."

"Excellent! Keep up the good work. Well, must dash!" Sidious scooped up the remaining box of Munchkins and glided out the door.

Maul turned and eyed the empty Munchkin box hungrily. The scent of doughnuts still lingered about it. "Powdered sugar and cardboard don't count as carbs," he grinned, and then wolfed down the box.

***

Later that evening, Maul fired up his grill and started roasting an Ewok on a spit. Obi-Wan caught the smell and started gnashing his teeth in frustration. "He's doing this to torment me. I know it!" he ranted.

Fluffi-Wan looked on calmly from his little nest of cedar shavings and sent out soothing vibes of vegetable goodness.

"Yeah, lettuce and carrots and seeds are tasty!" Obi-Wan suddenly enthused. "And they're good for you, too!"

Fluffi-Wan, content in the knowledge that his job was done, trotted over to his water bottle for a well-earned drink.

A wicked grin crossed Obi-Wan's face. "I'll show him!"

Uh oh, the hamster thought. Bad Jedi! Naughty Jedi!

But Obi-Wan was already out of range.

***

Ah, the Ewok was almost done. Maul gave it one more turn on the spit and liberally drizzled drippings over it. This diet wasn't so bad after all.

Obi-Wan opened the door to his balcony with the Force and brought out a tray laden with covered plates. "Evening, neighbor. Just thought I'd join you in some al fresco dining."

"Whatever."

"Say, that Ewok looks tasty."

"Yes it does. Too bad you can't have any."

"Too bad indeed. Ah well. Too bad you can't have these tasty sourdough rolls to sop up the drippings." Obi-Wan lifted the lid off of one of the plates, and the tantalizing odor of freshly-baked rolls drifted over to Maul, whose stomach started rumbling ominously.

Maul pulled out his carving knife and sliced off a large chunk of Ewok butt. "Rolls would only fill up space in my stomach that I could stuff with Ewok," he growled.

"Too bad," Obi-Wan said with a frown as he slowly bit into the roll. "Mmmm, this is really good."

Maul snarled and sliced into his Ewok. Lifting the glistening piece of meat up, he savored its appearance for a long moment before putting it into his mouth. Chewing with exaggerated slowness, he let loose a long string of guttural sounds of carnal happiness before exclaiming, "It just melts in your mouth."

Obi-Wan looked over at him through slitted eyelids, then uncovered a plate of spaghetti and marinara sauce. "Too bad you can't eat spaghetti, either."

"Mmmm, the skin is the tastiest part."

"I think I'll have some microwave popcorn."

"Should I eat the drumsticks now, or put them in the fridge and eat them later?"

"Maybe I'll just eat this Count Chocula for dessert."

"You fucker!!!"

"Mmmm, Count Chocola."

"Maybe I'll just wash my Ewok down with my brand new bottle of Glenfiddich!"

"Bastard!!!"

The two men fumed silently at each other for a minute.

"Right," Obi-Wan finally yelped. "I'll just go eat some peanut butter then."

"Actually, I think I might be able to eat peanut butter. It's protein."

"Oh yeah?" Obi-Wan scooped a huge dollop onto a spoon and let it fly squarely at Maul. "Enjoy!"

Maul ducked, and the peanut butter hit the Ewok with a squelch. "Fine!" he yelled. "Suck on this!" He yanked a foreleg off the Ewok and lobbed it at Obi-Wan. It landed squarely in the jar of peanut butter.

"Hey! You got Ewok in my peanut butter!"

"You got peanut butter on my Ewok!"

Both men looked at their respective peanut butter/Ewok combos and went, "Ew."

And then the food fight began in earnest.

My Apprentice watched from the safety of the apartment as food flew furiously. Spaghetti! Ewok! Count Chocula! More Ewok! Rolls! Even more Ewok! Eventually, Maul leapt onto Obi-Wan's balcony, and then she heard the unmistakable sound of noisy foreplay. Right, they were distracted. She trotted out and started nibbling on the tasty offerings covering the balcony. Yum! Marinara! Rolls! Ewok and peanut butter! As the two men stumbled into Obi-Wan's apartment, she heard Obi-Wan purr, "It doesn't count if you eat it off of someone else's plate...or someone else, right?"

Denial!

***

"Get those warm buns over here."

Rustle, thump, grope!

"Right after I eat your meat!"

Pounce, tackle, slurp!

"Hey, now that you're vegetarian, can you swallow?"

Slurp, gasp, gulp!

"Yeah, I'm vegetarian, not vegan."

Pounce, wrestle, lick!

"Good."

Thrust, groan, repeat!

***

Qui-Gon and Sidious both arrived outside their respective apprentices' doors the next morning. "Good morning, Senator Palpatine."

"Good morning, Master Qui-Gon! Checking up on your apprentice?"

"Yes, he's been on a diet and I wanted to see how he was doing. And you?"

"Oh, my ward was getting rather tubby as well, so I too have him on a diet. Well, best of luck to you, Qui-Gon."

"And you, Palpatine."

Obi-Wan poked his head blearily out his apartment door. "Can you keep it down out here?" he asked. "Some of us are trying to sleep."

"It's 8:30 in the morning, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon chided.

"Yeah, well...me and Maul just went to sleep an hour ago."

"You went to bed an hour ago?"

"No, we went to bed at dinnertime. We went to sleep an hour ago."

"Keep it down out there!" Maul growled from inside the apartment.

Palpatine barged in, headed straight for the bedroom, and ripped open the curtains. "Maul! And how are you doing this fine morning?"

Maul covered his head with a pillow as sunlight beamed right into his eyes. "Grumpy."

"And naked!"

Maul snaked one hand down and pulled the sheets up to his waist.

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan wandered in, and Qui-Gon noted, "You're looking a little thinner, my apprentice!"

"As are you, Maul," Palpatine added. "Your diets appear to be working."

"Er, yeah," Obi-Wan said. "We've been following them religiously."

"To the letter of the law," Maul added. "Now piss off and let us get back to sleep!"

"Someone's grouchy in the morning," Qui-Gon grumbled as Obi-Wan ushered him to the door.

"Don't get uppity, my apprentice," Sidious warned.

"I wouldn't dream of it."

"Pity. You know, those really were my favorite dreams when I was an apprentice. Don't go getting soft. Or should I say 'softer'?. Oh Qui-Gon! Wait up!"

Obi-Wan slammed the door, shuffled into the bedroom, closed the curtains, and slid into bed. "'To the letter of the law'?" he asked.

"Hey, you're the Jedi. If you think that eating out of someone else's plate or off of someone else's body doesn't count, then it must be okay."

"What would Yaddle say about the ethics of that, though?"

"'Pregnant you are, Padawan Kenobi.'"

Obi-Wan threw a pillow at Maul's head. "Cut it out! Damn, now I'm awake and hungry. You hungry?"

"Yeah. You want some Count Chocula?"

"Yeah. Hey, you want some bacon and Guinness?"

"Sounds good."

Shortly afterwards, the two men sat at the breakfast table with their respective meals. Obi-Wan grabbed the comics pages of the morning paper, and Maul turned straight to the obits. Laughing uproariously, they started in on their food. Obi-Wan looked at Maul's plate out of the corner of his eye, then pointed and said, "Hey! There goes Darth Lara Croft!"

"Where?"

Obi-Wan nabbed a couple of pieces of bacon and stuffed them in his mouth.

"Must have just missed her," Maul noted as he turned back to his plate. He looked appraisingly at Obi-Wan's cereal, then looked out the window and gasped, "There goes Master Yoda dressed in men's clothes!"

"Really? I suppose I should notify the press!"

Maul grabbed Obi-Wan's cereal bowl and upended half the contents into his mouth.

"Oh well. Didn't grab my camera in time," Obi-Wan sighed. He looked over at Maul's glass of Guinness. "Look at this. The newspaper says that Filene's is having a sale on black jeans."

"Let me see that."

Obi-Wan slammed back the entire contents of the glass.

Handing back the newspaper, Maul said, "Hunh, the sale ended three minutes ago." He looked back at the bowl of cereal, then over at the Habitrail. "Is it just me, or did Cuddles just embrace the Dark Side?"

"Cuddles?"

The rest of the cereal disappeared down Maul's maw. "Say, it looks like you finished your cereal," Maul commented. "Why don't you get yourself another bowl."

"You could probably use more Guinness."

"Hmm. You're right."

***

Obi-Wan shuffled blearily into his Advanced Ethical Paradoxes class with a steaming cup of coffee in his hand. After that sex-a-thon he and Maul had until the wee hours of the morning, it was a wonder he was even awake.

One of the other padawans looked at him and sing-songed, "Someone's got bed-head."

"Jealous?" Obi-Wan sassed back before slouching into his seat.

"Padawan Kenobi," Yaddle said. "Drinking caffeine you are? Bad for the baby, that is."

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes and said, "I'll get decaf tomorrow."

"Concerned I am for your baby," she continued. "Smaller it is getting. Normal that is not. A prenatal exam, you should have. Eating properly, you must not be."

"Dr. Koth put me on a very strict regimen, Master Yaddle."

"Hmph! Dr. Koth knows not his ass from his elbow! On my diet program you should be. Do better for your baby, it would. Following my diet, Padawan Jon-Tra is, and grows fast, his baby does."

Obi-Wan shot an incredulous look at Jon-Tra, who was happily noshing away on Twix. "Putting on weight, Jon-Tra?" he remarked.

Jon-Tra burped. "Doctor's orders."

Yaddle turned to the board, and used the Force to pick up the chalk and write "CONDOMS" in big letters across the blackboard. "Birth control we will discuss today. Careful attention you all should pay, especially the three of you not yet pregnant."

***

Maul snoozed happily on the sofa. After last night's fuck-fest, he had a lot of sleep to catch up on. He awoke to the annoying sensation of his cat attempting to bounce on his stomach. Peeling open one eye, he stared balefully at her. "Some of us are trying to sleep," he growled.

Some of us are trying to bounce! she snitted back. You're losing weight.

"You knew that already."

She attempted to bounce again and hissed angrily. My trampoline is gone! Bring it back!

"Go bounce off of Sidious!"

He's too flabby. Your belly was firm and bouncy! Bring it back!

"Fuck you!"

My Apprentice quickly expressed her displeasure with a lightning-quick flurry of scratches across Maul's stomach, then shot off before his swat connected.

*Knock knock*

"Fucking cat," Maul grumbled as he shuffled to the door. "What?"

"It's me," Obi-Wan sighed. "Damn, I'm tired. What happened to your stomach?"

Maul looked down at the rivulets of blood streaming down his belly and said, "My damn cat."

"She's not a very nice animal. Why do you keep her around?"

"She's evil."

"Well, yeah."

"And thus I harbor a grudging respect for her."

"Oh."

"Don't tell her, okay?"

Obi-Wan shot Maul a strange look, then said, "Of course not. Anyhow, I should probably go weigh in and take a nap."

"Oh yeah, the scale," Maul grumbled. "I should do that too."

Obi-Wan yawned again, then waved and headed to his own apartment.

Maul plodded to the bathroom and pulled out the electronic scale. "Good afternoon!" it cheerfully announced. "You haven't weighed in for two days!"

"Bite me," Maul growled.

"That is not within my operational parameters. However, if you feel it would be a valid upgrade, simply log in to the MacroStiff Web site and suggest it!"

"Just shut up and weigh me," he grumbled, stepping on the scale.

"Oof! You're certainly a big guy!"

"Enough with the color commentary! Did I lose any weight?"

"Yes, a little. You could stand to lose more, you know."

"I'm working on it."

"How tall did you say you were again?"

"5'8" in boots."

"How about barefoot?"

Maul dropped his voice to a whisper. "5'6""

"I didn't hear that. Can you speak up?"

"5'6"!" Maul yelled. "Got it?"

"Sheesh! Defensive about your height, are we shorty?"

"I could be really tall for my species, you know!"

"I've got news for you, stumpy. You're overweight for a Wookiee."

"I'm compact!!!"

"I've heard that one before."

Maul's lightsaber flew into his hand, and he ignited one end, frothing, "Time for reprogramming!!!"

"Hey! Wait!" the scale begged. "Can't we work this out somehow, man to machine?"

"Nope."

"You know, now that you mention it, you're looking rather svelte."

"Liar."

"No, really. I must have had something blocking one of my sensors."

"You said I was overweight for a Wookiee."

"Er, yes, but you see, Wookiees have hollow bones."

"Bullshit."

"They're actually much smaller than they look under all that fur."

"Sorry, I've seen a shaved Wookiee."

"You have? My condolences. Anyhow, where was I?"

"Pleading for your miserable electronic life?"

"Oh yeah."

Suddenly, Maul heard a primal scream of rage from next door. He turned his head just in time to see Obi-Wan's scale go sailing off the balcony. Hmm, that was rather Sithly, Maul thought. Turning back to the scale, he threatened, "I'll deal with you later," and headed for Obi-Wan's balcony.

As Maul walked in to the apartment, a maniacal-looking Obi-Wan screamed, "That fucking MacroStiff scale insulted me! It...it called me names! It said..."

"...that you were fat for a Wookiee?"

"No, that I was on par with a slender Hutt! It compared me to a Hutt!!!"

Maul closed his eyes and soaked up the delicious waves of Dark Side aggression pouring off his neighbor.

"You're laughing at me!" Obi-Wan gibbered.

Maul opened his eyes and shot Obi-Wan a leer. "Wanna fuck?"

"What? After all that? And I didn't even tell you what that fucker said about my parentage!"

"Fucking burns calories, especially the way we do it," Maul said, adding a gentle lust whammy in for good measure.

"Oh! Okay."

***

Mary Sue stopped outside her brother's apartment with a wry grin and listened to the rhythmic thumping and breathtaking moans and groans issuing through the paper-thin walls. How the hell do the neighbors put up with the two of them? she wondered. Then again, Cyn's probably recording it so she can listen to it later. Looking down at her watch, she noted that she was exactly on time, and loudly knocked on Obi-Wan's door, propelling the sound into the apartment with the Force.

Pressing her ear against the door, she heard the thumping stop, followed by, "Oh shit, what time is it?"

"Time to fuck some more. Get back here."

"Shit! It's six!"

"So we've only been fucking for five hours. I'm up for more."

"No, I have a date with Mary Sue. She's taking me out for Alderaanean vegan food."

"Have it delivered."

"No, I need to...ooh! Wait! No. She's right out...oh yeah...wait! Argh! Stop it!" There was muffled thumping, then Obi-Wan appeared at the door wearing a sheet around his waist. "Sorry sis, lost track of the time."

"No problem," she grinned. "I remember what he's like in bed."

Maul appeared behind Obi-Wan, spatula in hand, and said, "Hey, we've got a complaint about your stupid MacroStiff scales."

Mary Sue looked at the spatula, then at the two of them, and asked, "What's the spatula for?"

Obi-Wan blushed from the roots of his hair to the sheet around his waist and said, "Later. Look, your scales have major issues."

"Let me see yours."

"I tossed it out the window."

Maul barged past them and said, "We'll use mine. I haven't slain it yet." The three of them marched into Maul's apartment, and he gestured contemptuously at the unit. "There," he spat. "It mocks me. I must have revenge."

Mary Sue delicately stepped on the scale, and it chirped, "Good evening, Ms. Stewart. You're looking quite svelte today! Are those new shoes?"

"Why yes they are. Thanks for noticing!" She stepped off and said, "I see no problem. Come on, Obi-Wan. Let's get you dressed and go out. You'll love their gluten Ewok!"

"Does it really taste like Ewok?"

"Well, no."

"Oh." The sibs disappeared into Obi-Wan's apartment.

Maul turned back to the scale and stepped on it.

"Oof!" it groaned. "Geez, tubby, would it hurt you to clean your toenails every once and a while?"

***

Maul and My Apprentice hung out together on the balcony eating tuna right from the can, waiting for Obi-Wan to get home. "Scotch?" Maul offered.

My Apprentice sniffed at the bottle, then blinked furiously as the alcohol fumes stung her little yellow eyes. No thanks. Got any catnip?

"In the cupboard. Help yourself."

Why are you eating tuna?

"I'm waiting for meat.com to drop off my shipment."

Meat.com?

"Yeah, I've eaten just about every type of meat available on Coruscant, and it's getting boring. I ordered some Whomp Rat steaks, Wampa haggis, Jawa jerky, and beefalo."

Never heard of beefalo.

Maul took a swig of scotch and reached for another can of tuna. "Yeah, well, it had better be good or there'll be hell to pay."

Whose credit card did you use this time?

"Some dude named Organa. I figure I'll use Valorum's when I order something off of the endangered list, just for kicks."

Your boyfriend's home.

"He's not..."

"Hey, Maul," Obi-Wan sighed as he stepped onto his balcony.

"How was your 'Ewok'?"

"Terrible. Oh man, this diet is killing me. But I don't care what that fucking scale says, I'm losing weight. Even Yaddle thinks so. So, kill your scale yet?"

"No, I'm still torturing it." Maul took his lighter and applied the flame to some battered electronics dangling from his balcony.

"Pleeeeeeeease, stop!" it whined.

"Maul, is it ethical to torture semi-sentient machines?" Obi-Wan asked nervously.

"It's MacroStiff!"

"Right, never mind. So..." He whipped a spatula out from behind his back. "Where were we?"

Maul growled hungrily and leapt over onto Obi-Wan's balcony, but Obi-Wan took one whiff of his breath and backed away. "Ew! Tuna and scotch? Go brush your teeth!"

"Don't you want some vicarious meat?" Maul purred.

"Tuna? Yuck!" Obi-Wan Force-shoved him back to his own balcony. "Don't come back until you've brushed and gargled!"

Muttering dark curses under his breath, Maul stalked to his bathroom, dug under the sink, and pulled out his emergency dental hygiene kit. Baking soda toothpaste - check. Brand new R2D2 toothbrush - check. Industrial strength Listerene - check.

Ten minutes of vigorous effort later, Maul stood outside Obi-Wan's door and knocked. Obi-Wan poked his head out, sniffed, and said, "Ew. I can still smell it."

"It's tuna! It doesn't just magically disappear, you know."

"Maybe tomorrow. I really should get some sleep. Night!"

Maul stood and stared incredulously at the door. "WHAT?!?!?!? You're just going to leave me standing out here in the hallway all hot and bothered?!? You...you...you...SITH!"

Cyn poked her head out her door and said, "Takes one to know one. Wanna fuck?"

"ARGH!" Maul roared, storming back into his apartment. "Right, I'm not letting this anger go to waste." He grabbed the whining remnants of the scale and his lightsaber and headed for the roof for a combination workout and torture session that would have done Sidious proud, had he been paying attention. But alas, Cats was in town that night.

Meanwhile, Obi-Wan paced back and forth in his apartment, wrestling with his own libido. Spatula in hand, he turned to Fluffi-Wan and said, "Is it so wrong to be turned off by tuna breath?"

Fluffi-Wan sent out little stressed-out vibes. Tuna breath held very unpleasant associations for the little rodent. Gaping mouth. Sharp claws. Bad.

"Gaping mouth, sharp claws...damn, I'm really horny now!" Obi-Wan yelled in frustration.

Oh shit, Fluffi-Wan thought. Soothing vegetable vibes. Veggies good.

"Maybe I have a nice big cucumber in the fridge..."

Squick! You'd better not feed that to me when you're done!

***

The tuna breath wore off three hours later...

***

"Get back here with that zucchini, Maul!"

"Make me, hummus boy!"

"Oh shit, it's ten in the morning!"

"It is? How did that happen?"

"Fuck! I have class in fifteen minutes and we never even went to sleep!"

"Call in sick."

"I can't. Yaddle's really strict about attendance. Can you help me out of this harness?"

"Yeah, if you help get all the cling wrap off of me."

***

"Late you are again, Padawan Kenobi!"

"Sorry Master Yaddle."

"Drinking coffee are you again?"

"It's a filthy habit, but with the Force to guide me, I'll surely break it."

Yaddle hopped up on her desk and stared pointedly at Obi-Wan's stomach. "Flat your stomach is. Aborted your baby, did you?"

She's mental! Obi-Wan thought. Right, let's see if I can still do this. He set his lower lip to trembling and said, "Master Yaddle, I...I...I had a miscarriage!"

"Oh! Tragic that is!" Yaddle said, wringing her hands together. "Terrible burden this must be on you, young padawan."

"I think it was the caffeine that did it!" Obi-Wan sobbed.

"Doctor Koth's diet, it was! Sure of it, I am! Home you must go, Padawan Kenobi. Rest you must get."

Obi-Wan nodded his head and headed back out, a grin splitting his face.

Yaddle turned to the class and intoned, "Lesson this should be to all of you. Better care of your babies, you should take. Jon-Tra--farthest along are you. Thorough exam we should do of you. Bloodwork, yes. Pelvic exam, yes. Very, very thorough it must be." Yaddle reached in her desk and pulled out a pair of rubber gloves.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"

Before Obi-Wan managed to escape the temple, he ran into Eeth Koth. "Your diet seems to be working."

"Yes it is, Master Koth."

"Why aren't you in class?"

"Master Yaddle let me out."

"Come with me to my office. I'd like to give you a follow-up checkup."

Obi-Wan sighed, chugged down some coffee, and followed on his heels.

***

"Well, Padawan Kenobi, you have lost weight and significantly toned your muscles," Doctor Koth noted.

"Thank you, Master Koth."

"However, your bloodwork indicates that you've been cheating significantly on the diet plan I gave you, so that's not what caused you to lose weight."

"Well, I had an exercise regimen, you see..."

"One that involves you being exhausted all the time and building up the strongest pelvic muscles I've ever seen on a padawan?"

Obi-Wan had the decency to flush at that.

"Should I even bother with the prostate exam, or would you like it too much?"

"Look, the important thing is, I lost the weight, right?"

Doctor Koth sighed and said, "Just keep it off."

"Not a problem. And the diet?"

"Forget about it."

"Yes! Sweet Guinness! Once more we can consummate our union in public!"

***

Sidious strolled into Maul's apartment unannounced. "Oh apprentice!"

Maul woke from his nap. "What? Er, Master."

"You're looking fit! Very fit!"

"You're drooling, Master."

"Yes, well, your physique is a sight for sore eyes, especially now that the cast of Cats had to leave my bedroom to go tour Kashyyyk. So, your diet appears to have worked."

"Yes, Master."

"You did cheat right, left, and center, yes Maul?"

"Of course, Master."

"Excellent. Most excellent. Also excellent are the videos I managed to snag of the little workout sessions you've been having with my son." He cackled and pulled a videotape from his robe. "They're selling like hotcakes on eBay. I do so love my probe droids, don't you?"

Maul groaned and tried to bury his head in the sofa cushions.

"Anyhow, since it worked so well for you, I may try your little regimen. I've noticed I've been carrying a teensy amount of extra weight."

Maul and My Apprentice shot Sidious simultaneous incredulous looks.

"Yes, I know, it's hard to tell," Sidious nattered. "I look so slender. But still, a little maintenance goes a long way. I was thinking of trying it with Master Qui-Gon."

"Are you trying to make me bulimic, Master?"

"Tut tut, Maul. Anyhow, I do believe I sense your neighbor returning from class. I'll just leave the two of you alone so you can work on those tasty young physiques of yours. Ta!"

Maul watched the door close behind his sadistic master and vowed, "I will have my revenge."

***

"Hello neighbor!" Palpatine beamed as he stood at Qui-Gon's front door. "You'll never guess what they're selling on eBay."

"I've heard," Qui-Gon sighed. "My poor padawan, being exploited so."

"I nabbed a copy, for research purposes, of course. Alas, the Senate can do nothing about it, as it's being distributed from one of the Outer Rim worlds."

Qui-Gon looked hungrily at the videotape in Palpatine's hands. "You don't say. You know, I probably should watch what's on it. For research purposes, of course. It will be much easier to defend my poor padawan if I know what's on the tape, even if it does involve watching that well-muscled tattooed freak of a ward of yours."

"Indeed. It's most...enlightening."

"I suppose it would be."

"And the two of them have managed to become awfully trim of late--I suspect as a direct result of the activities on this tape."

Qui-Gon looked down at his own spare tire and said, "You don't say..."

***

"Hang on, Palpy, what are they doing with that spatula?"

"I think I've figured it out, my dear Quiggy."

"No, wait, that's not quite it."

"The video's too fuzzy."

"Perhaps we shouldn't try it on the trampoline."

"They're on a trampoline."

"They're also in kilts."

"I think our Dorothy and Glinda outfits are a reasonable compromise."

"Okay, I think I've figured it out. Here goes."

Obi-Wan turned to Maul and said, "You know, they're doing it all wrong."

"I know," Maul grinned, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. "Hang on, let me get the probe droid to zoom in a little..."

"AaaaaaaIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" Qui-Gon's voice shrieked from the television.

The two apprentices laughed uproariously. "Oh man, my master is going to need medical intervention to get that handle back out!" Obi-Wan gasped.

"YOIKS!!!"

"Yes!" Maul cried. "Two for two! I don't know how your da managed to fit the blade of the spatula in there, but that's gotta hurt!"

Obi-Wan suddenly grew very serious. "Maul? Is it wrong for a Jedi to wallow in the misery of others?"

Ha! Got him! "Well, not necessarily. Think of it this way. Qui-Gon and Palpatine have caused you a fair amount of misery, yes?"

"Well, yes, that's true. But a Jedi is supposed to turn the other cheek, I think. Wait, no, that was just some kinky game Qui-Gon used to like to play in bed..."

"Isn't Yoda always nattering on about restoring balance to the Force?"

"Yeah, but he's insane."

"All Jedi masters are insane. Just think of this as your own personal way to restore balance to the Force."

"I don't know about that."

"So, you're disagreeing with a venerated Jedi master?"

"Well, when you put it that way. Hey, it's getting boring. Can we rewind to the part where Qui-Gon gets caught in the salad shooter and still keep taping, just in case they do something interesting later?"

I have you right where I want you, Jedi! "No problem, it's digital."

Next door, Fluffi-Wan mentally pleaded, No! Obi-Wan! He's seducing you to the Dark Side! Bad Jedi! Bad, bad Jedi! Cuddles, back me up here.

Cuddles, deep in a Perkium haze, looked at Fluffi-Wan and said, You're all swirly. Wanna fuck?

Noooooo!!!!!!

END

(11/11/99)

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