Life Lessons at the Sith Academy, Part XXI
by Siubhan
siubhan@siubhan.com
[Read Siubhan's author bio]

Yes, I'm writing this specifically to put a monkey wrench in the entire Jedi Apprentice series. I really don't want characters from the books--any of the books--to end up in the Sith Academy, so I'm mucking with the most tempting target to keep him from being useful. Heh heh. Thanks to the Intrepid Housemate Melissa ^TM for help with brainstorming this puppy.

Obi-Wan, finally sated after yet another marathon lovemaking session, lay back in a happy daze, head nuzzled into the crook of Maul's neck, hoping against all hope that Maul also would be also sated enough that...

"Hey Obi-Wan."

Damn, Maul was talking. Oh well. There went that unrealistic dream. "What?"

"Do you know who your master had as a padawan before you?"

"Ben-Wa."

"And before Ben-Wa?"

"Ben-Wa was his first padawan."

"That's not what I hear."

Obi-Wan propped himself up on one elbow and asked, "Where did you hear that?"

"Last night at the Gray Side I overheard Mace Windu and Yoda talking about it at the urinals. Have you seen the size of Yoda's schlong? That thing must be retractable..."

"I don't want to hear it!"

Maul shrugged. "So, you gonna ask Qui-Gon about his first padawan?"

"I don't know."

"You're not curious?"

"Well, of course, but it would be wrong to ask. I mean, if he wanted to talk about it, he would volunteer the information without prompting and..."

Maul whapped Obi-Wan upside the head and said, "Stop talking like you're still on Perkium! After all the trouble I went through to get you off it..."

"Ow!" Rubbing his head grouchily, he said, "Fine, I'll ask him."

Maul grinned and settled down.

Oh great, he gets me all pissed off, and now he wants to cuddle!

***

"My first padawan?" Qui-Gon paled.

"Yes, I want to know about your first padawan."

So do I, Maul thought as he pressed a glass against the paper-thin wall between their apartments.

"You want to hear about Ben-Wa?"

"No, I want to hear about the padawan you had before Ben-Wa."

"Er... Wouldn't you rather just smoke some pot and watch television?"

"Come on, Master!"

"Well..."

"I'll just go ask Mace Windu, then."

"Fine! I'll tell you."

~~~~~~~~ [wavy flashback effect] ~~~~~~~~

Ki-Adi Mundi was sitting in the Jedi Council chambers with his fingers in his ears. "La la la! I can't hear you!"

Yoda whacked him in the shin with his gimer stick. "Padawan you should take! Master you will become! Chicken you are!"

"Mary had a little kaadu, little kaadu, little kaadu!"

"Pain in the ass, you are. Hmph!"

Mace Windu strolled in. "What seems to be the problem, Master Yoda?"

"Unplaced padawan we have. Strong in the Force, is he, but available masters, there are not."

"What about Ki-Adi?"

"Ring around the Council! Pockets full of tonsils!"

The two men looked at each other and shook their heads sadly.

"Well, I can't take him because I've already got a padawan," Mace said, then snapped his fingers and said, "hang on. I've got it!"

A few minutes later, Qui-Gon stood in the Council chambers. He reeked of pot, was wearing a ratty old poncho, bellbottom jeans, and a pair of Berks, and had a small flock of assorted homeless critters either following, roosting on, or flying around him in a swarm. Having only recently become a Jedi Knight, he was still growing out his padawan haircut, and was compensating with multicolored tie-dye hair extensions.

Mace turned to Yoda and said, "Give him to Qui-Gon. Qui-Gon will take anything!"

"A swarm of insects surrounds you, it does," Yoda noted.

Glassy-eyed, Qui-Gon replied, "They're a rare species of Mandalorian spiny wasps and their ecosystem was just destroyed. They needed a home. See, they've built a hive in my hair extensions."

"Crapping on your poncho, that large bird is."

"It's natural, man."

"Share with me your roach, you will."

Qui-Gon reached into a pocket and pulled out a large insect.

"Idiot you are! Pot I discuss!"

"Oh right, right," Qui-Gon muttered, handing over the ganja.

Mace Windu pointed and said, "Dude, two of the little furry things trailing behind you are eating the lizard that's clinging to your leg."

"The cycle of life man. It's beautiful!"

Yoda and Mace exchanged a wary look. "Think you that ready he is for a padawan?"

"It's better than sending the kid to the Agricorps where the bitter disappointment of not being given a Master will undoubtedly turn him to the Dark Side. Besides, if we send any more kids to the Agricorps, the pot market will be totally glutted and we'll get smaller kick-backs."

"Truth you speak. Master Qui-Gon, padawan we have for you."

"Excellent! Bring the little dude on!"

Mace handed Qui-Gon an index card and headed out to fetch the padawan. Qui-Gon wrinkled his brow and struggled with the name on the card, but to no avail. When the fresh-faced, well-scrubbed, corn-fed, eager-eyed young padawan was presented to him, Qui-Gon grinned dopily and said, "Hey, can I just call you Padawan Bob?"

~~~~~~~~~~

"You called him Bob?" Obi-Wan looked fairly aghast.

"Well, yeah. His name was pretty weird."

"What was it?"

"I never could say it. Something like Xanadu."

Obi-Wan just groaned and put his head in his hands. Next door, Maul suppressed guffaws.

"Okay, so what happened to Padawan Bob?"

~~~~~~~~~~

"Padawan, dude! Don't do it!"

"Piss off, you crazy hippie! I'm eighteen and can make my own decisions now!"

"But Bob..."

"My name's not Bob! How many times do I have to tell you that?"

"Stay with the Jedi! Don't turn!"

"I'm turning and that's final! Now get a haircut, you freak!"

"Nooooooooooo! Bob!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~

Maul listened gleefully as Qui-Gon sobbed his heart out. His first padawan had turned? Oh, this was too delicious. He'd have to go look "Bob" up and invite him over to hang out on his balcony for some rage-honing male bonding next time that ancient hippie showed up. And a barbecue.

"I'm so sorry, Master. I didn't realize your first padawan turned to the Dark Side."

"Dark Side? No, he turned to the Yuppie Side! He's an Republican investment banker with a wife and 2.3 kids!"

Maul frowned. Ah well. There went that plan. Still, he could go for a barbecue right about now.

"2.3 kids? Literally?"

"Yeah. He sends a picture every Christmas. Hang on." Qui-Gon whipped a family picture out of his wallet and handed it to Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan winced. "That .3 kid doesn't look healthy."

"Of course not, but he needed 2.3 to be totally square and normal! And...and...he's got a dog!"

"I thought you liked dogs?"

"It's a purebreed!" Qui-Gon sobbed. "It has papers and pedigree! It's not a beautiful mutt like nature intended! Forced breeding, not free love!"

"Er, there there," Obi-Wan sighed as he awkwardly patted his distraught master on the back.

"Obi-Wan, promise me you'll never turn to the Yuppie Side! Promise me you won't be seduced by luxury cars, trophy wives, retirement accounts..."

"Not a chance," Obi-Wan vowed.

Not when you can just steal them instead of working for them, Maul mentally added.

"Er, Qui-Gon, you're soaking my tunic."

"I can't help it, man! Thinking of Bob just gets me upset!"

"This explains why you used to make me dress up as a stockbroker sometimes."

"I was trying to work out my issues with Bob!"

"Oh boy. Look, why don't we smoke that pot you mentioned and I'll make nachos."

Qui-Gon immediately cheered up. "Cool."

Next door, Maul leaned back against the wall and chuckled to himself. So, neither of Qui-Gon's previous padawans have become Jedi Knights. Veeeeery interesting! I'll have to file that away for future reference.

"Hey Obi-Wan?"

"Yes Qui-Gon."

"Do you still have that stockbroker suit?"

"I gave it to charity when I got off Perkium."

"That's too bad. I'm feeling like I need to work out some issues right now."

"I think Maul has a pinstriped suit. I saw it in his closet."

Qui-Gon shuddered. "That would give me all new issues."

"Probably."

END

(1/21/00)

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