Life Lessons at the Sith Academy, Part V
[Read Siubhan's author bio]
Disclaimer: Lucasfilms owns the Sith and the Jedi, and E! owns Fashion Emergency and their staff. What's been done to them is copyright 1999 by Siubhan. This can be archived to the Master and Apprentice site and the Darth Maul Estrogen Brigade, but nowhere else.
If you've never seen Fashion Emergency on E!, do yourself a favor and catch an episode. Emme, the host, is a famous plus-sized model who is just a little too perky for words. Brenda is a drag queen in a woman's body, and Leon is just a queen. The way the show works is that someone writes in with a fashion emergency, and they take them out, do terrible things to their hair, put them in an outfit that may or may not be tasteful, and then film the results.
Emme: Welcome to Fashion Emergency. I'm your host, Emme. Today we're going to do a makeover on a young Sith whose Academy prom is coming up, plus we'll spruce up his blind date!
Sidious: [In his foppish Palpatine outfit] My young apprentice is truly a fashion emergency. The Sith Academy prom is coming up, and I'd really like him to look elegant for it. The only clothes he owns are Sith robes, a pair of jeans which I believe he recently made into shorts, and a ratty t-shirt.
Leon: Sounds like a real challenge! Let's meet him, shall we?
[They enter Darth Maul's apartment and see him sitting on the sofa playing Jedi Roadkill III in his Sith Lords Kick Ass t-shirt and a pair of ratty black cutoffs. The cat is perched on top of the television swatting vigorously at the creatures on the screen.]
Maul: Yes, yes, my apprentice. Strike out at them with all your anger!
Sidious: Maul, this is Leon. He's going to do your makeover for the prom.
Maul: [grumbling] I fail to see why I require a makeover. My best robes should be sufficient. Besides, I'm the only student, so why we require a prom is beyond me.
Leon: Honey, look at you! You've got such a lovely body, you shouldn't cover it up with robes! Come on, let's work some makeover magic on you.
Maul: [Snarls] Must I?
Sidious: Yes, I'm afraid you must. When was the last time you got a facial?
Leon: Never? Oh my god! No wonder you have such a mottled complexion!
Maul: It's a tattoo.
Leon: Really? Ooh, I love tattoos! How far down do they go?
Emme: While they drag the young Sith to the salon, let's check in with his date!
Obi-Wan: Hi, my name is Obi-Wan, and my Master has set me up on a blind date. I'm here for a makeover so I can do my Master proud, and so I can make it past first base with my date!
Qui-Gon: He's such a good Padawan.
Brenda: He certainly is! Now, let's take you to the hairdresser and do something about that 80's retro hairdo.
Emme: Let's see how Maul is doing, shall we?
Leon: Maul, meet Raoul. He'll be taking care of you today.
Raoul: Good to meet you, Maul.
Sidious: I wonder, could I possibly get spruced up while I'm here?
Leon: But of course! Mario, could you take care of this nice gentleman?
Raoul: Maul, you have a really unique look, but I think it could stand a little tweaking, no? Let's just lighten up your natural color a little bit.
Sidious: Do you think you could polish those horns of his while you're at it? Maybe add a little shine to them?
Raoul: Certainly. If you'd just come with me, Maul.
Mario: So Mister Sidious, what will it be?
Sidious: Oh, the works! Do you do pedicures?
Emme: Now back to that precocious Padawan!
Brenda: Obi-Wan, meet Alexi. He'll be your stylist today.
Alexi: Eek! How retro! That braid has to go.
Obi-Wan: It's my Padawan braid! I can't cut it off until I become a Jedi Knight.
Qui-Gon: [waving hand in front of Alexi's face] The 80's are coming back into style.
Alexi: You know, I think the 80's will be coming back into style soon.
Qui-Gon: [waving hand] Young Obi-Wan is quite a trendsetter.
Alexi: You are so ahead of your time, girlfriend!
Qui-Gon: [waving hand] Perhaps if you put nice highlights in it, it would look even more lovely.
Alexi: Let's get you some highlights and a manicure, darling.
Emme: I think our young Sith is ready to see his new look.
Sidious: [sitting under a hair dryer with perm curlers in his hair getting his toenails painted petal pink by Mario] Leon, have you tried these chocolates? They're divine.
Leon: Ooh, cherry cordials!
Raoul: [Peeling the last piece of tin foil off Maul's face] Now, we've just lightened you up a little bit. I think this brings out your eyes very nicely.
[Raoul turns Maul's chair around and gives him his first glimpse in the mirror. His tattoos are now pink and gray. Maul's eyes go wide as saucers.]
Maul: [brandishing lightsaber] YEEAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Sidious: Very good! Strike him down with all your anger! Let the hate flow through you!
Raoul: Eeeeek! [He is promptly chopped into little tiny pieces]
Mario: He was a bitch anyway.
Maul: [growls and looks in the mirror] His death was too swift. Sith do not do pastels.
Sidious: [Admiring toenails] Speak for yourself. Your horns do look lovely, though.
Maul: Yes, he did do a good job on them.
Mario: You want to use a tanning bed, honey? It'll bring your color right back.
Maul: Show the way.
Emme: After this commercial break, we'll show the chaos that ensued when Leon brought Maul to Mister Tux.
Commercial: Next, on Mysteries and Scandals, the true reason why Jar Jar Binks was banished from Otoh Gunga. Clumsy my ass...or should I say, Boss Nass's ass?
Emme: Welcome back! Well, it took a while to get Maul out of the salon...
[Cut to scene of all the salon employees ogling Maul's naked form on the tanning bed.]
Sidious: [flinging them aside with the Force] Out of my way! Maul, put some pants on!
[Leon strides to the front of the crowd, gets a good look at Maul, and faints dead away with a huge smile on his face.]
Emme: ...but eventually they revived Leon, got Maul back in his clothes, and brought him to Mister Tux.
Leon: So, Maul, when we spoke earlier, you said you just wanted something simple and black.
Leon: And that spandex was out.
Maul: That too is correct.
Leon: Pity...[starts fanning himself]
Sidious: So, let's see the selection you've assembled for my young apprentice.
Leon: Here's a traditional tuxedo that we'll have you try on for starters. It'll be our baseline. [Maul takes it and stalks into the dressing room] Are you sure we can't get him in spandex?
Sidious: Believe me, I've tried.
Maul: [stalking out in tux] I hate it. Bow ties are a Jedi abomination.
Leon: You know [pawing Maul copiously as he speaks], the traditional tux is normally a good look on just about any man, but on you, it just doesn't work. It covers up the lines of your delicious body, and the white shirt really doesn't do justice to your unique tattoos.
Maul: You knew this before you asked me to put this on, didn't you? [Reaches for lightsaber]
Sidious: Put that away, Maul. He's simply doing his job.
Maul: Does his job involve groping me?
Sidious: You know, Leon, you may want to tone that down a bit. My apprentice is rather high strung.
Leon: [Sighs] All right. Here's another tux, Maul. This one is a bit funkier. It's a Versace. The blazer is very long in the back, much like your beloved robes, and there's no bow tie or white shirt anywhere to be seen. [Maul grabs it and stalks back to the dressing room]
Sidious: Ooh, I'm quite fond of Versace. I'm thinking of commissioning him to make my Imperial robes of state once I take over the Senate.
Leon: That sounds delish!
Sidious: Perhaps I could be your next fashion emergency once that happens. It would make for a very high profile show.
Leon: I'll talk to my producers. Still, darling, you are certainly the antithesis of a fashion emergency! If you don't manage to take over the Senate, would you like a job on this show?
Sidious: Oh, I will be Supreme Chancellor...but I'll keep it in mind if galactic domination is more dull than it sounds.
Maul: [Walking out of dressing room looking very dapper] This works nicely. [He whips out his lightsaber and does a few practice moves] I like how the jacket flows as I slice down my enemies.
Leon: The black on black look works very well on you, Maul. And the cut of the blazer shows off the lovely shape of your well-muscled torso...
Sidious: Leon, perhaps if you didn't actually drool on the jacket.
Leon: [Clearing throat] Excuse me. So, are you happy with this or do you want to try on another one?
Maul: This will do. I tire of posing for you.
Sidious: What about accessories?
Maul: I have my lightsaber. That should be accessory enough.
Sidious: What about a nice pair of black gloves and some dress shoes?
Maul: Dress shoes, my Master?
Sidious: You can't seriously expect to wear those boots to the prom.
Maul: But I can't dance in new shoes.
Leon: Perhaps something in glove leather?
Sidious: Come, Maul. We'll simply try on one pair of shoes and then we're off.
Emme: After picking out a nice pair of shoes, Maul and company prepared to head off to the prom. Unfortunately, as they were on their way out, someone tried spraying Maul with Polo for Men. You can see the result for yourself.
[Shot of Mister Tux blowing up]
Emme: Luckily, our little group escaped unharmed, which cannot be said for the staff of Mister Tux, I've been told. We're running out of time, so we'll have Brenda do a quick recap of her afternoon with Obi-Wan.
Brenda: He's a little twit with no fashion sense! I refuse to take responsibility for the outfit he picked! Pink taffeta? With his complexion? What was that boy thinking? And his Jedi Master was no help either...
Emme: [cutting her off] Thanks, Brenda! Now let's see what happened at the prom!
[Scene of large gym with black streamers and balloons haphazardly strewn about. A droid DJ is playing Alice Cooper's "School's Out," and Palpatine and Leon are slow-dancing cheek to cheek in the middle of the dance floor. Qui-Gon is in the corner eyeing the bubbling, steaming punch suspiciously, and Brenda is desperately trying to drag him onto the dance floor.]
Maul: [Walking in holding a corsage of stinging nettles] This is ridiculous.
Leon: [Yelling] You look fabulous, Maul! Knock her dead!
Sidious: You do realize he'll take that literally.
Qui-Gon: Ah, Obi-Wan! You've made it!
Obi-Wan: [Walking in in a empress-waisted, floor-length, pink taffeta gown with matching pumps and a tiara] Are you my date?
Maul: [Whipping out lightsaber] YEEAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! Die Jedi scum!!!!!!
Obi-Wan: SHRIEK!!!! [Dives into Qui-Gon's arms] Save me, Master!
Leon: I guess you're right.
Emme: That's all the time we have on Fashion Emergency. Tune in next time as we give a bikini wax to a Wookie!
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