Life Lessons at the Sith Academy, Part VI
by Siubhan
siubhan@siubhan.com
[Read Siubhan's author bio]

You can blame Vyola and Dawn for inspiring this and the Rachels for encouraging me to post it here. I really hadn't been planning on adding it to the page because I didn't think it fit the theme well enough, but they convinced me otherwise. It's all their fault. I'm a victim.

Sidious strode into Maul's apartment and wrinkled his nose in distaste. "Maul, do you ever do anything but sit on your sofa and play video games?"

"But Master," Maul complained, "this is Sith Commander! I control massive squadrons of flying death!"

"The only thing you're killing is brain cells, Maul. When was the last time you read a book, or got laid?"

"I read books," Maul countered. "I just finished Wicked: the Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West."

"That's it. Take a shower, Maul. It's night time, and you're going out to a club and getting laid."

"But Master..."

"No buts, get in that shower, Maul."

"I thought a true Sith had no need for sex."

Sidious chuckled. "What gave you that idea? I have tons of fabulous sex! Almost every night I have several young muscular spandex-clad men in my bed..."

Maul threw up his hands in disgust, crying, "I don't want to know!"

"Anyhow, Maul, I'm not sure where you got the idea that we don't have sex. It's probably just more Jedi propaganda. Really, I'm surprised at you. Now get into the shower, young man."

Maul felt his Master reach out with the Force to pluck him up by the scruff of his neck and usher him to the bathroom. His cat looked over at him with pure glee. Turnabout's a bitch! she projected mentally, then sauntered off to take the warm spot on the sofa where Maul's butt used to be.

As he was unceremoniously dumped in the bathroom, Maul heard Sidious add, "And you're not wearing that terrible Sith Lords Kick Ass shirt either! I've brought you a new shirt to wear. I think it'll go well with those marvelously tight black jeans of yours. They are clean, aren't they? Maul! Are these your jeans sitting on top of a half-eaten pizza?"

Maul let an evil smile cross his face as he stepped into the shower. Yes, it was a hollow victory at best, as it meant he had to do laundry again, but any excuse to vex his Master would do.

***

Half an hour later, a shiny clean Maul stepped out of the bathroom with a black towel around his hips. Sidious looked and him and sighed. "Too bad you can't just go out dressed like that. Anyhow, since your jeans are an unmitigated disaster, I took the liberty of getting you a new pair of pants while you were in the shower." Sidious held out a "Wilson's Leather Goods" bag. "Try these on for size."

Maul snatched the bag out of his Master's hands, and muttering dark curses, stalked back into the bathroom. Hmmm...black leather. Not bad. Maul wiggled into the tight pants and then looked back into the bag. "Master, are you sure about this shirt?"

"Of course I am. Do you question me, my apprentice?"

Maul gulped. He knew better than to cross Sidious when he took that tone. "Of course not. It's just...small."

"Of course it's small! Maul, you've spent too many years of your life in training not to show off the results. Put on the damn shirt and get out here!"

With a shudder, Maul pulled the tight black muscle shirt over his head and stalked out to the living room, shooting a withering glare at his furry apprentice who was clearly enjoying the entire scenario.

"Oh yes, that will do the trick!" Sidious chortled in glee. "Turn around and let me get a better look at you. Oh, and tuck that shirt in, will you Maul?"

Maul obeyed, all the while entertaining fantasies of the day when he finally was able to strike his Master down and take a real apprentice, an apprentice who he could similarly torture.

"Yes, yes, let those feelings of hate flow through you," Sidious cried. "Chicks dig that dark angry stuff. You still insist on only being interested in women, right Maul?"

"That is correct, my Master."

"Pity. And you do realize that you'll never find a real woman who's built like that Darth Lara Croft you insist on drooling over, yes?"

"She is out there," Maul said with a maniacal gleam in his eye. "I will find her."

"Yes, of course, and the entire Jedi Council wears women's underwear," Sidious mocked. "Do yourself a favor, Maul. Open your horizons tonight. After all, you're just looking to get laid, not to go raiding Jedi tombs."

"If I must, my Master."

"Yes, you must. Now, here's some spending money and a couple of condoms. I want you to take a taxi to a bar called 'The Gray Side of the Force.' It's a mixed single's bar--you know, men looking for men, women looking for men, Jedi looking for Sith, Wookiees looking for Ewoks, that kind of thing. And the music is most excellent."

"Couldn't I just go to a leather bar and flog someone?" Maul begged.

"No, my apprentice. It would be too embarrassing if we both ended up in the same place. 'The Gray Side' it is. Now get out of here and get some nookie."

"Yes, my Master."

***

"The Gray Side of the Force" was a rather unassuming looking club from the outside, but Sidious was right about one thing--the music was most excellent. Maul felt his head start bobbing to the beat even before he entered the club. The formidable bouncer took one look at him and let him pass with a grin. "It's about time we had a real Sith show up," he said.

Maul could feel the malevolence flowing from the bouncer, and he found himself grinning back. "When I rise up and slay my Master, you would make an excellent apprentice."

"Thanks, but how's the benefits package? Doesn't look like you get dental."

"Well, no, but when I'm the Master, I'll be able to fix that."

"If you do, then I'm your man."

Maul nodded, then steeled himself and entered the club. Hard-edged techno blared from the impressive sound system, and the dark, cavernous space was lit by black lights and flashing red strobes. Yes, this club didn't seem all that bad. Head still bobbing to the beat, Maul stalked over to the bar and ordered a beer, brushing off three propositions in the process. It was early yet--if he was going to do this, he was going to take his time and do it right. He wasn't going to just sleep with anyone, Sidious be damned. Besides, Gunguns weren't his style--he didn't care how good they were with their tongues. Yes, it was too early to pick up anyone yet. The really interesting people probably wouldn't be here for hours.

Settling back and slurping at his Pete's Wicked Ale, Maul surveyed the crowd. Hmmm... an interesting mix, even if it was early. He spotted bounty hunters, a couple of senators, some Padawans looking to feel naughty, and if he wasn't mistaken, that was Yoda and Mace Windu sitting in the corner. At least, he thought the creature in the corset and lipstick was Yoda. Maybe the entire Jedi Council does wear women's underwear he thought with a smirk. Turning his Force-enhanced senses to their table, he heard Yoda saying, "Tired I grow of this bar. Bikers it has not."

"Tough," Windu countered. "It's my turn to pick the bar, and I wanted something with good music. You can't dance to Foghat."

"When eight hundred years old you are, dancing machine you will no longer be!"

Maul immediately tuned out. Pathetic Jedi drivel! So, Yoda couldn't dance? He'd show that little twerp a thing or two about dancing. He downed the rest of his beer, brushed off four more propositions from people he wouldn't even hire to clean his bathroom, never mind grace his bed, and hit the dance floor just as Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up" started blaring over the sound system. I am hot shit, Maul thought to himself as he leaped and bounded all over the dance floor. Members of various species and genders ground up against him suggestively, and he overheard Yoda and Windu arguing over which one of them got to proposition the young horny guy first.

A slow song came on, and brushing off two dozen propositions and a couple of very determined gropes, Maul made his way back to the bar, where a flurry of would-be suitors bought him enough alcohol to drown a Wampa. Yes, this was truly attention befitting a Sith Lord. Maybe one of them would be worthy of gracing his bed tonight. He looked at the crowd assembling around him and suppressed a shudder at their collective geekiness. Then again, maybe not. I have to be able to attract better caliber bedmates than this! he moaned inwardly. I'm a Sith! A dancing machine! Hell, I've got tattoos in places that most people don't even know exist!

"So, my young apprentice, how goes your evening?"

Maul nearly jumped out of his seat. "Master, you snuck up on me."

"Yes, I did," he grinned, tightening his grip on the two muscle-bound hunks clinging to either arm. "So, why haven't you gotten laid yet?"

Maul shrugged. "The night is young, and the pickings are slim at best."

"You did get here awfully early, you know. However, now that I've arrived, interesting people are sure to follow. I'm a babe magnet, you know."

Rolling his eyes, Maul reached for a drink with steam billowing out of it and took a swig.

Suddenly, he felt a tug on his pants leg. He and Sidious both looked down as one to see Yoda standing at his feet, preening. "Dance with me you will, big boy?"

Maul scowled and punted the little annoyance clear across the dance floor.

"Very good," Sidious sneered. "I hadn't thought you were ready to drop-kick Jedi Masters yet, but clearly I've trained you well."

A thin voice cried out from the other side of the hall, "When sober I become and not in corset I am bound, your asses I will surely kick!"

Mace Windu came up to the two men and said, "I just want to apologize for my friend's behavior. He's had a few too many Fuzzy Navels tonight and they just go straight to his head."

"Sith they are!" Yoda cried out from the other side of the club.

"Of course they are," Windu replied sarcastically. Turning back to the Sith Lords, he said, "I'll just be taking him home. Once again, I apologize."

"Oh, no harm done," Sidious replied with a gracious smile.

They both watched with satisfied grins on their faces as Windu tossed Yoda over his shoulder and carted him out of the club. As they walked out, a new wave of party-goers entered the club. "Ah, as I said, I'm a babe magnet," Sidious chortled. "Here they come!"

Trying to steer the conversation away from the rather revolting topic of his Master's sexual prowess, Maul asked, "So, my Master, how shall I hone my hatred tonight?"

"You're not here for hatred, my young apprentice," Sidious cried in exasperation. "You're here to get laid! Cut loose! Have a little fun. Right, my pretties?" he said, giving his companions a squeeze.

"You said it, big guy," one of them replied. The other one just telepathically sent a wave of dirty thoughts in Sidious's direction. Maul unfortunately was standing close enough to pick up on most of them, and he downed the rest of his steaming drink in one gulp in a desperate attempt to numb the part of his brain that had stored the filthy imagery that prominently featured his Master.

"Don't tell me you're a prude, Maul," an incredulous Sidious gasped.

"No, not a prude," Maul said. "It's just...it's just..." He downed a glowing orange drink, belched, and said, "It's kind of like how ordinary mortals don't like to think of their parents having sex."

"Oh please, Maul!" Sidious countered. "I'm far from your parent. Hell, I'm your Master and you know how kinky that sounds."

His psychic companion let loose another barrage of filthy thoughts, and Maul groaned and grabbed a pink frothy drink, downed it in one huge gulp, then coughed up the umbrella. "Can he please stop doing that?"

Sidious chuckled indulgently. "No, he cannot."

The drinks were starting to work on Maul's rather uptight brain, but he still felt compelled to ask, "You haven't told me why you want me to get laid. It doesn't seem very Sithly."

"Of course it's Sithly!" Sidious cried. "We aren't just all about hate and anger and all that nonsense. We're about giving in to your baser feelings, provided they don't impair your ability to kill Jedi when the time calls for it."

"So sloth is out?"

"Right out, my apprentice, as is excessive gluttony. Now, are you having any baser feelings yet?"

"Not really, but I've got a killer buzz going."

Sidious smiled charmingly and turned to his telepathic companion. "Do you think you could give him a gentle nudge, darling, now that some worthwhile prey has entered the club?"

The telepath grinned saucily and sent Maul a particularly filthy, Sidious-free barrage of carnality. The images were so potent that Maul actually blinked. He started casting lust-addled eyes around the room as he felt his pulse quicken. Yeah, he did have to get laid. He had to get laid something awful. It had been way too long, and just about anyone here would do the trick.

"Well now, we'll just leave you to it," Sidious grinned. "Come on boys, let's go back to my place and play 'Jedi Master and his two Paddlewans,' shall we?"

"Here, try this drink," a helpful voice said, pushing a particularly noxious-looking concoction at Maul. He downed it in one huge gulp. The last words he remembered hearing were, "It's called a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster..."

***

Maul woke up with his face buried in the back of someone's neck. How did he..? Hazy memories of picking someone up in a bar and going back to his place where they indulged in hours and hours of wild Force-driven monkey love started filtering into his brain. He picked up a guy in a bar? A guy powerful with the Force? A guy with a little braid behind his ear? A guy with a sandy buzz cut and a little Jedi ponytail? A guy who looked an awful lot like his twit neighbor...

Oh shit. He'd slept with Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Maul sat bolt upright and choked back waves of nausea as he stared down at the face of his archenemy. He'd actually slept with that horrible little Padawan!

Mind you, if his memories were at all accurate, the guy was pretty good... Argh!

Obi-Wan stretched and opened his eyes. Smiling, he said, "Good morning, neighbor."

Right. There were ways of turning this to his advantage. A true Sith could twist anything to the Dark Side, and Maul was damned if he was going to let this one pass him by. Obi-Wan must have tricked him into his bed, because there was no way he would have come here otherwise. No way in hell. Yes, revenge was clearly called for. "So, I'm kind of surprised that you were at that bar last night. I thought you and Qui-Gon were an item."

"Well, we are, but he's out of town, and we're not actually exclusive or anything."

Hmmm... Okay, so threatening to tell Qui-Gon won't help. Maybe this will do it. "You're pretty damn good in bed, you know."

Obi-Wan blushed to the roots of his hair. "I was pretty wasted last night, actually. I'm surprised you think so."

"Oh yeah, you used the Force in ways I've rarely ever seen before."

"Really?"

"I think you invoked the Dark Side at least six times last night."

Obi-Wan's blush quickly melted away and was replaced by ashen-faced horror. "I did?" he squeaked.

"I think my favorite was that double-whammy you did with asphyxiation and..." he trailed off, making evocatively obscene gestures with his hands.

Obi-Wan leapt out of bed, wrapping an afghan protectively around his naked body, and started pacing worriedly. "Qui-Gon's gonna kill me if he finds out."

"No, he'd understand," Maul replied with a smile of fake sympathy stretched across his face. "You just got caught up in the moment. Besides, it was fun, right? No harm done. You just let your passion take control of you." There, that was a flagrant violation of the Jedi code if he'd ever heard one.

"Oh, I'm really gonna get it," Obi-Wan whimpered.

Victory! Maul stood up, wrapping the sheet around his waist, and put his hands on Obi-Wan's shoulders, grinning inwardly as he felt twit's body tremble violently. "Look, if it'll make you feel any better, I won't breathe a word of this to anyone, all right?"

"You won't? Oh, that's so great of you! Thanks!" Obi-Wan gushed.

"But if you ever want to invoke the Dark Side again, you know where to find me."

The mental whimper that Obi-Wan released at that thought filled Maul's black heart with joy.

***

"So, my apprentice, I take it you eventually found someone to bed last night?"

"Yes, my Master."

"Anyone I know?"

"That twit Padawan next door. I'm not quite sure how it happened..."

"Oh please, you've had a thing for him for years."

"I have not!" Maul cried indignantly.

"Of course you have! Why else would you be so obsessed with tormenting him?" Sidious cried.

Maul silently thanked his Master for suggesting that he get a facial tattoo. It hid his embarrassed flush extremely well. The old coot's got a screw loose. Me, like Obi-Wan Kenobi? The day I develop a crush on Obi-Wan Kenobi is the day Sidious settles down with a nice woman and adopts a family of Ewoks.

Sidious let loose an evil chuckle. "Oh, that's more delicious than I imagined. And yes, my apprentice, you are in deep denial. So, is he any good?"

"He's been well trained in how to use his formidable equipment, my Master," he admitted reluctantly.

Sidious licked his lips and cast a speculative glance towards Kenobi's apartment. "You don't say?"

Hmmm...maybe if I toss my Master at him he'll shut up about my imaginary crush. "And when you get him drunk enough, he forgets the difference between the Light Side and the Dark Side."

"Is he home right now?"

"Most likely."

"Maul, I need to borrow your José Cuervo," Sidious said, levitating a bottle of tequila from Maul's kitchen table. "Right, must dash!"

Maul watched his Master tear out the door at near-lightspeed and plunked down on the sofa with a happy sigh. "It's just you and me, Darth Lara," he grinned as he used the Force to switch on the television and the Sony PlayStation.

His furry apprentice down at him from her carpeted cat tower and snorted. Serious denial!

"I heard that!"

With a smug look on her face, she settled back to her nap.

END

(6/14/99)

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