Life Lessons at the Sith Academy, Part VII
by Siubhan
siubhan@siubhan.com
[Read Siubhan's author bio]

"Maul, your apartment is permeated with the smell of death."

"Thank you, Master."

"That wasn't a compliment. It stinks in here!" Sidious complained.

"I don't smell anything."

"That's because you've spent so long in this sty that your sense of smell has died. What is that stench?"

Maul's cat meowed and trotted into the kitchen, stopping in front of the refrigerator.

"Ah, excellent," Sidious grinned. "You have betrayed your Master well, young Sith. Now, let's see what's in this fridge, shall we?"

Maul glared at his cat. "This insurrection will not go unpunished."

The cat, blissfully unconcerned, trotted away from the fridge and started kicking shit out of her litterbox and onto the floor.

Sidious opened the fridge and stared at the contents in horror. "Maul, when was the last time you actually looked in this refrigerator?"

"I cannot recall."

"You appear to have sprouted an entire civilization in here, and they're asking me to close the door."

Suddenly, a seven inch long, multi-limbed insectoid creature dashed out of the refrigerator and made a break for the front door. Maul's apprentice watched with rapt attention, then with a butt wiggle, launched herself at it with lightning speed. A brief but vicious battle ensued, and with a mighty yowl, the cat grabbed the creature by the back of the neck and bit down hard. It went limp, and she dropped it and proceeded to feast on its tender underbelly.

Sidious closed the refrigerator door and strode back into the living room. "Excellent, my apprentice's apprentice. Now Maul, I think it's time you eradicated the remainder of the creatures inhabiting your fridge."

"Perhaps I could simply buy a new refrigerator, my Master."

"Come now, Maul, when else will you get a chance to practice genocide?" Sidious chided.

"Excellent point, my Master."

The cat finished her meal and walked away from the remains of the creature, tail held high in the air. Sidious looked down at the husk and said, "Pity your apprentice doesn't clean up after herself. She takes after you, you know."

The cat turned, meowed, and bonked Sidious on the leg with her head.

"Well then, I suppose I'd better clean this up," Sidious suddenly noted.

Maul looked over at his cat, highly impressed that she'd managed to Mind Whammy his Master. "Make him clean the fridge while you're at it," he whispered.

His apprentice was having none of it. She trotted off to the litterbox to kick some more shit out onto the floor.

***

After his Master left, Maul approached the refrigerator and opened it to assess the extent of his problem. He blinked, then quickly closed the door and blinked again.

Impossible...

He opened the door once more and stared in in disbelief. Not only was there an entire civilization living in his refrigerator, but it was technologically advanced enough to have learned to warp space. It was now much, much larger inside his fridge than outside--large enough to support several large cities, some farmland, many little villages, a major university, some strip malls, and a red light district.

"This may take some time."

Maul grabbed his double-bladed lightsaber and his cat and stepped into the fridge to begin to wreak havoc. As the door closed behind him, screams of terror could be heard...

***

Sidious gave up on the doorbell and strode in to his apprentice's apartment. "Maul? Where could he have gotten to? He was supposed to pick up my drycleaning hours ago..." Stepping into the kitchen, he took one look at the shaking refrigerator and smiled. Ah, good. He was busy working on his new assignment. The drycleaning could wait.

The refrigerator door opened and an extremely rumpled, sweaty, and gore-encrusted Maul emerged, a satisfied smile plastered across his face. His cat trotted out at his heels, another buggy carcass dangling from her teeth.

"How goes the battle?" Sidious asked.

"Well, my Master. I've wiped out several villages and small cities, and the remainder of the creatures are busy streaming into the capital city for refuge. I shall give them a few hours of respite, then go back and assault the capital once I'm sure they're all within the city walls. My victory shall be complete!"

"Excellent, most excellent. And your apprentice?"

"She has been assisting with great glee and vigor, my Master. They are already singing frightened folk songs about the 'Fluffy Paws of Death' as they huddle around their campfires."

"Very good," Sidious cooed as he reached down to scritch the kitty between her ears. "Now Maul, you want to look and smell your best for that final assault, so go hit the showers and get into some fresh robes. I'll brush the cat."

"Thank you, my Master."

***

Maul grabbed his lightsaber and turned to his furry apprentice. With a huge grin, he said, "It is time to begin the final assault."

The cat licked her chops in eager anticipation. For once, master and apprentice were in agreement.

Maul opened the fridge door and prepared to charge, but a small group of insectoids stepped out holding a white flag. "We'd like to negotiate a settlement!" the lead bug cried.

Maul stopped and regarded the creatures warily. A settlement? But he'd been so looking forward to storming their capital. Hmmmm... Yes, this might be just as pleasing if he played it right. "Only if the settlement involves you vacating my refrigerator and returning it to its original state."

The bug ambassador turned back to its comrades and began a heated discussion. Maul noticed his cat beginning a butt-wiggle and snatched her up before she pounced. "Patience, my apprentice. This could work to our advantage."

The bug turned back to Maul and asked, "Do you have a suitable location chosen for our resettlement?"

"Yes."

"Then it's a deal!"

***

An hour later, Maul and the bugs sat at the kitchen table and signed the treaty. A small crowd of insect journalists stood to the side, filming and photographing the proceedings for their evening news. The cat sat on the floor, tail swishing, hoping Maul would change his mind and let her take down another few bugs. She hadn't had this much fun in months. Maul glared down at her and shook his head. Damn Maul for this truce!

After the customary handshake, Maul asked, "When will you be ready to move your people?"

"They're packing now and will be ready by nightfall."

"Excellent. And how long until my refrigerator is back to normal?"

"The engineers and clean up crews should be done by tomorrow morning."

"At noon, I open the door and let my cat slay anyone who's left."

The cat's ears perked up.

The insect ambassador gulped, then said, "We'll be done by then. That's a promise."

***

"Maul, what is the meaning of this?" Sidious asked incredulously as he watched a stream of insect refugees streaming from Maul's apartment. "I thought I told you to wipe them out."

"I came up with a better solution," Maul replied as he picked Obi-Wan's lock. "Here you go: your new home. Let me just open the refrigerator door for you."

"Ah yes," Sidious grinned. "A most excellent solution. I'll make a politician out of you yet!"

***

"Obi-Wan? What is that smell?" Qui-Gon griped as he stepped into his Padawan's apartment.

"Ah, Master. Well, you see...I appear to have acquired refugees."

"Refugees? From where?"

"Next door. They've taken up residence in my refrigerator. They have a resettlement treaty and everything."

Qui-Gon opened the fridge door, blinked, and closed it again. "Impressive."

"Yes, Master."

"Padawan, I foresee that we will be spending much less time in your apartment."

"But I thought you liked picking up pathetic lifeforms?"

"Obi-Wan, it is impolite to use your Master's words against him."

"I'm sorry, Master."

Next door, a small striped cat sat in front of the fridge and waited patiently for noon to strike...

END

(6/16/99)

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