Life Lessons at the Sith Academy, Part VIII
by Siubhan,
Story idea by Rose,
[Read Siubhan's author bio]

It really helps to have seen Velvet Goldmine before reading this. It also helps to be an Iggy Pop fan. If you're neither, you may want to read a different story.

Sidious strode unannounced into Maul's apartment, as usual. "It's Saturday night!" he declared. "Why are you sitting at home and watching television?"

"Some fool is walking a tightrope between two of the tallest buildings on Coruscant. I'm hoping he'll fall."

"This is a repeat, Maul. It happened two months ago. Unfortunately, the moron survived."

Maul gnashed his teeth. "Thank you for spoiling it, my Master."

"Oh, my pleasure," Sidious replied breezily. "Now, go put on that clubbing outfit I bought you. We're going to The Gray Side of the Force."

"Is this to be another lesson in honing my hatred?"

"No, it's Karaoke Night, Maul."

"If you try and make me sing, I will rise up and slay you, my Master."

"Oh heavens, no. Sith don't do Karaoke, Maul. Surely you know that by now. No, we are going because Karaoke Night at the Gray Side is crawling with drunken Jedi masters. We're simply going so we can watch them make fools of themselves and have a good laugh."

"That does sound amusing, my Master."

"I thought you'd like the idea. Now go wiggle into those leather pants and we'll be off."


Karaoke Night was absolutely crawling with Jedi. They walked in to the club to the strains of Yaddle warbling "Smells Like Teen Spirit." The two Sith shuddered as one and headed for the bar. "This will become much more amusing once you have a few drinks in you," Sidious noted.

"I hope so," Maul seethed, tipping back a bottle of Pete's Wicked Ale as Sidious started sipping on his Sloe Comfortable Screw.

"Fear not, my apprentice, Yaddle always sings this song and then calls it quits for the night. Ah good, she's reached the end."

"A denial!" the little Yoda-esque creature cried repeatedly, then took a bow and meandered off the stage.

"Well now, let's see who's next," Sidious grinned.

"Let's all give Yaddle a big hand!" the MC cried. "And now, here's Qui-Gon Jinn singing 'I Will Survive!'"

Sidious chuckled. "Oh no he won't. I have forseen it."

Qui-Gon staggered up to the mike, clearly drunk off his gourd, wearing retro polyester Jedi leisure robes, and started singing in a very bad falsetto. "First I was afraid, I was petrified..."

Sidious and Maul howled, then Maul noted a very strange disturbance in the Force and turned to see a leather-clad Obi-Wan sitting next to him at the bar, staring wide-eyed at the stage.

Maul suddenly got an evil idea. "So, are you going to sing tonight?" he asked the twit padawan.

Obi-Wan's eyes got even wider. "Me?" he squeaked. "Oh, no. I couldn't possibly."

"Oh, I'm sure you'd do fine," Maul purred, huge grin plastered across his face.

"No, no. I don't sing in public. Why don't you?"

"I have a rotten singing voice," Maul lied. Actually, he thought he sounded pretty damn good when he sang Megadeath songs in the shower. But that was besides the point. "You, on the other hand, probably have a lovely voice."

"I couldn't..."

Maul levitated a bottle of tequila and a shot glass from behind the bar and poured Obi-Wan a drink. "Maybe this'll loosen you up."

Obi-Wan looked warily at the shot glass, then upended it.

"Another?" Maul asked.

Obi-Wan cast forlorn eyes at the stage where his master was boogying for all he was worth. "Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye? Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die?"

"I hate it when he sings about Mace Windu," he sighed, and downed the proffered shot.


Seven shots later, Obi-Wan was definitely looking much more relaxed. He looked so relaxed that Maul was afraid his plan would backfire. He'd only wanted to get him drunk enough that he'd go on stage and make a total and utter fool of himself, not get him so drunk that he'd pass out at the bar. Feeding Obi-Wan the drinks had been easy, though. Immediately after "I Will Survive," Windu had joined Qui-Gon on stage for a stormy rendition of "I Got You Babe" that had Obi-Wan all but blubbering in his drink. Qui-Gon eventually left the stage, where Windu had done a pretty damn good version of "Like a Sex Machine" that had left Maul and Sidious extremely impressed. Now Windu was up there with Yoda singing "We Are Family," only Yoda kept messing up the words.

"Family we are, yes? Sisters all I have with me!"

"Tha's it," Obi-Wan slurred. "I'm gonna do it!"

Maul's black heart overflowed with joy. Oh, the humiliation that would soon be heaped upon this miserable padawan! "Break a leg," he replied, hoping that perhaps that particular dream would come true as well.

"You're the best!" Obi-Wan gushed, giving Maul a big drunken hug before staggering off to the MC to place his request. Maul suddenly felt unclean and popped back a couple of shots of tequila in an effort to erase the memory of the physical contact.

"Thank you Yoda and Mace!" the MC enthused. "Now we have a new entry. All the way from the Jedi Academy, here's Obi-Wan Kenobi singing 'I Wanna Be Your Dog!'"

Maul's head snapped up. Obi-Wan was going to sing a Stooges song? He didn't think Obi-Wan listened to anything other than pathetic boy band drivel. Could it be that he actually had a scrap of good taste?

Obi-Wan staggered barefoot and barechested on to the stage. "Thank you," he said as he grabbed the mike off the stand. "I'm new at this, so bear with me. I wanna dedicate this to Maul, the best damn neighbor a guy could have! I love you man!" he gushed drunkenly, nearly falling over in the process.

Maul grinned. Oh, this would be precious.

The music started to blare from the speakers, and suddenly Obi-Wan's demeanor changed entirely. He grabbed the mike with two hands, leaned back, and started howling, "So messed up, I want you here, or in my room, I want you here, and now we're gonna be face to face, and I lay right down in my favorite place."

Maul's jaw hit the ground and he found himself being involuntarily drawn to the stage by the sheer animal magnetism pouring from the possessed padawan. Holy shit, the twit was good!

Obi-Wan fell to his knees, eyes flashing hungrily at the audience, pelvis brazenly thrust forward. "'Cause now I wanna be your dog. 'Cause now I wanna be your dog. 'Cause now I wanna be your dog. Well, come on." With that, he fell to his back and started writhing.

The padawan got onto his hands and knees and started crawling across the stage as he shrieked, "And now I'm ready to close my eyes. And now I'm ready to blow my mind. And now I'm ready to feel your hand. To lose my heart on the burning sand."

Maul forced himself to tear his eyes away from the spectacle and look at the rest of the patrons. Not a single mouth in the club was closed. He'd never seen so many Jedi masters drooling at one time in his life, not even that time when Mace Windu's robes blew open during his commencement speech at the Jedi Academy graduation ceremony and it turned out he'd been going regimental. If only he'd thought to bring a camera.

Maul turned back to the stage as Obi-Wan stuck his hand down the front of his leather pants and broke into the chorus of the song again. At that, something in his brain snapped...


Maul woke up with his face buried in the back of someone's neck.

Oh shit. He'd slept with Obi-Wan Kenobi again.

Right, he was not having a repeat performance of last time. Waving his hand over Obi-Wan's head, he murmured, "Don't wake up." Quickly taking advantage of the time he'd bought with his Mind Whammy, Maul slipped into his clothes and slunk back to his apartment.


A couple hours later, Maul slouched on the sofa in his ratty "Bates Motel" bathrobe. As he watched The Power Rangers while munching on a bowl of Count Chocula cereal, Maul overheard a heated argument next door.

"But Master, how could you?"

"Don't 'but Master' me, young man! What did you expect me to do when I saw you dry-humping your neighbor right up there on the stage?"

Maul closed his eyes and shuddered. Oh, the shame! And with all those witnesses... At least he'd had the good sense to go to Obi-Wan's apartment before any of their clothes came off. Wait, did he leave his shirt at the club?

"I could have accepted it if you'd slept with Mace Windu," Obi-Wan cried, "but Senator Palpatine?"

Maul spit a mouthful of Count Chocula clear across the room.

"What's wrong with the senator?"

"He's a toad!"

Maul had to agree on this one.

"Your neighbor isn't exactly hot stuff either!" Qui-Gon barked back.

Why that miserable little... Maul could feel his blood pressure start to spike.

"You're only saying that because you're jealous! Maul is a perfectly good looking man, and he has a much better butt than that ancient Palpatine!"

You tell him, Obi-Wan! Maul thought, then smacked himself in the forehead when he realized he was actually rooting for the twit.

"That's it! I'm leaving."

"Fine!" Maul heard the door slam, followed by the sound of Obi-Wan weeping his heart out to his hamster.

Turning back to his cereal, Maul shrugged. It was a small victory, but he'd take it.



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