Transcript Begins
by Darth Wookiee
with help and editing/suggestions from Darth Ewok (
[Read Darth Wookiee's author bio]

Obviously I don't own any of these.... if I did, I'm sure I'd be too busy being rich to read this place... I'm just having a little fun. I lay the blame for this entirely on good company, a lack of caffeine, and long train journeys...

<Transcript begins>

New game? Y/N




You are Darth Maul, a Sith Lord and the apprentice of Darth Sidious, also known as Senator Palpatine. For detailed information of your background, please read the manual at

Your task:
You must hone your rage until it is complete, and you can slay your master.

For online help, type "HELP".
Type "BEGIN" to start.


The Interpreter is reverse engineered from a broken Protocol Droid we found, so it is capable of understanding fairly complex instructions. Unfortunately it also likes to be sarcastic, but you're here to hone your rage anyway. Deal with it. You can consult the Sith Handbook at any time. Do not worry if you cannot see it around - it will always be there when you don't want it.


You are in bed. Your eyes are closed. You need coffee.

> tasks

You must have caffeine soon, or you feel like you will die

> open eyes

Dazzlingly bright light blinds you. It is midday.
There is another person in bed.
You crave coffee.

> examine person

It is Obi-Wan. He smiles at you.

> examine obi-wan

<transcript edited for brevity>

It is midafternoon. You feel tired. You still crave coffee.

> examine room

You are in Obi-Wan's room. It is beige. There is a faint hint of a bad smell from the West, and the sounds of water running in the shower.
There is a bedside table.
On it are: a can of whipped cream, a roll of gaffer tape, a spatula.

> take can

It is empty. You notice that you are sticky. You crave coffee.

> take spatula

You have nowhere to put it.

> get dressed

Your clothing fights back

> beat it into submission

You manage to get dressed. Your jeans manage to bite your hand.

> stats

Rage: 60%, Hatred: 56%, Denial: 50%

Obi-Wan enters. He smiles at you. You smell coffee.

> take coffee

I see no coffee here. Obi-Wan looks like he has coffee.

> examine obi-wan

You leap onto him, sending the coffee flying.

<transcript edited for brevity>

It is late afternoon. You feel very tired. You still crave coffee.

> what the fuck?

Fuck being the operative word, yes...
Obi-Wan enters. He smiles at you. He has coffee for you.

> take coffee

Obi-Wan says "what's the magic word?"

> consult handbook "magic word"


> growl at obi-wan

Obi-Wan says "I thought you'd never ask."

<transcript edited for brevity>

It is evening. You are ready to drop. You have friction burns.
You crave coffee.

> get up

You get out of bed.
You are still dressed, because you couldn't wait, you randy little sod.
Obi-Wan enters with coffee. He smiles at you.

> aaaaargh!

You're learning. Hatred has increased by 1%

> Tell me how to get the goddamn coffee!

Temper, temper. Why not try looking at Obi-Wan? You know you want to...

> examine obi-wan

<transcript edited for brevity>

It is midnight. You are exhausted. You have friction burns, bite marks, a broken set of handcuffs and an unfamiliar ringing in your ears.
Obi-Wan enters the room. He smiles at you. He has coffee.
You crave coffee.

> do *not* examine obi-wan

Obi-Wan looks disappointed, and sighs.
You crave coffee, but you have a feeling you might feel better if you beat the shit out of something.
Kick Obi-Wan (y/n)?

> yes

You think about kicking Obi-Wan. He smiles at you. You feel guilty.
Your rage has decreased by 1%
Your denial has increased by 10%

> you git!

Look, winning's *not* going to be that easy. You haven't even been to Stavromula Beta yet.

> where?

Precisely. Now play on.

> exits

There is a door to the South and a hole into your apartment to the West.

> W

You are in your apartment. It stinks. Everything is black.
There is a small mackerel striped cat sitting amidst a layer of shed fur.
She looks hungry.

> uh-oh, I know what's gonna happen next.

True, true but play on anyway. Whatever your next move is, it makes no difference

> think about getting a dog

I hear Darth Mary Sue is looking for someone to take care of Cerberus this week.

> no!

I thought not.
The mackerel striped cat appears in front of you.
She waves a paw at you.
You feel the urge to get some tuna for the nice cat.

> resist

Too late

> tasks

Fetch tuna for My Apprentice

> life hates me

I heard that

> *sigh* fetch tuna

I see no tuna here

> examine room

You discover a small cupboard on the north side of the room

> open cupboard

A Pizza-box blocks your way. The inhabitants are revolting.

> examine pizza-box

It was a "Heartless carnivore special". The inhabitants seem to be pepperoni-based. You see them sacrificing mushrooms to a statue of a god that looks like a coffee pot. They demand a drink from you as price for safe passage.

My Apprentice approaches you and meows reproachfully, flexing her claws. From the steely glitter in her eyes, you wish you were wearing boots.

Obi-Wan climbs through the hole. He smiles at you. He has coffee.

> tell obi-wan "give them coffee"

Do you really want to talk to him again?

> YES!

As you reach for Obi-Wan, you realize that you're too tired to get it up.
You feel humiliated.
Obi-Wan leaves with the coffee. He smiles at you.
You think you hear him murmuring "I'll be waiting"
You hear the civilization demanding their tribute.


You instantly summon your light saber and activate it in one motion. After a few moments, the sacrificial altar is charred and deserted, and the only witnesses are a party of hunters descended from Ewok Crunchies.

In the bloodlust, your saber slashes have ripped open the cupboard and showered the cat with flakes of tuna. The cat looks satisfied... barely.

You have achieved your task. Big flaming hoopla.
You think you're getting any score from doing it *that* way?
No style whatsoever. I ask you...

> get off my case, you irritating excuse for a brainless steaming pile of bantha-poodoo!

"Excellent, excellent, my young apprentice. Your frustration feeds your hatred."

Sidious appears behind you, striking a dramatic pose.
*BONUS* Identify the pose and gain a respite.

> #106 ~ "I've just screwed Qui-Gon"

Correct. Oh by the way, I lied about the respite

> stats

Rage: 80%

> *growl*

Sidious drinks in your rage with a smile
You feel your Master's mind-touch

> examine sidious' mind

You are in a maze of twisted little perversions, all alike.
You feel sick.

> say "what monstrously evil task are you forcing on me this time, Master?"

Sidious smiles in a way that makes your stomach clench
"You seem to be enjoying yourself far too much of late, my slovenly apprentice. I think it is time to hone your frustration a little."

> options

You have none.

> poodoo

Purple lightening strikes your PlayStation, and it lights up with a new screen that says just "Enter password"
"Now my apprentice... you must complete this fiendish text adventure game to gain the password... "

> "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!"

Oh, and by the way, you *still* crave coffee.

<transcript ends>



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