The Thirteenth Mary Sue - Canon Ending
by The Plaid Adder
plaidder@mindspring.com
[Read The Plaid Adder's author bio]

"Great steaming balls of poodoo," Maul exclaimed.

The door shut behind him.

Before Maul could open the door again to flee, the grotesquely made-up, wizened, betank-top-and-miniskirted green creature before him shrieked, "Sue Mary I am! HOT you are!"

Maul's horrified gut curled up into a tiny, compressed, shuddering ball as he contemplated Yoda's blonde wig, unconvincing cleavage and high-heeled three-toed pumps. Then he was finally able to speak.

"Excuse me," Maul said. "There is someone in 12A who desperately needs to perish in flames. I will return."

"Lie to you, the snake woman did not!" Yoda said, twirling one of his matching ponytails flirtatiously in his green fingers. "Help you I can."

Maul snorted.

"When this long a Jedi you have been, maybe meta privileges you will develop too, hmmmm?"

He cocked his green head and flashed Maul a disturbing, leering grin.

"What else are you screwing around with that we don't know about?" Maul demanded, horrified.

"If I told you, foolish I would be," Yoda said. "Mary Sues, you wish to be rid of. Help you I will."

"You will?" Maul said, fighting to keep the edge of desperation out of his voice.

"Certainly," Yoda chirped. "More for me, that leaves."

Maul's gut was trying to squish itself into a smaller, more uncomfortable space.

"On the left, a closet is. Inside it biker gear you will find. The leather choke collar with metal studs, do not forget."

Maul looked at Yoda. He thought of the Mary Sues.

Yoda was Yoda. But there was only one of him.

"If you fail to remove them completely," Maul said, "you will perish in flames."

"Yes, yes, perish in flames," Yoda chirped, happily waddling to the closet and opening the door. "Do not worry, young Sith. All the Mary Sue you need, I will be."

All right, said Maul's gut, as he picked up the sleeveless leather vest. Close your eyes and think of Obi-Wan.

END

(Want to try again? If you want Mary Sue to be a NON-CANON character, click here. If you want Mary Sue to be a SUPER-META character, click here.)

(3/2/00)

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